Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

How beautiful it would be –   if attracting someone, one is attracted to, is as simple as attracting iron to a magnet.  Unfortunately, relationships are not always about polarity. Even reciprocated attraction remains in question – for how long?

Attractions are varied. From lasting, fiery, permanent to the kind that flames out faster than it started. Short term attraction like flaming or the kind that flames out faster than it started are easier to tame compared to the other two long term ones. Lasting relationships are the result of long lasting if not permanent attraction.

One can be physically attracted to more than one person at a given time. So being physically attracted to someone is not enough to start a relationship. One needs to feel something more at a deeper level in order to want each other. It’s the emotional attraction which leads to a relationship. A healthy relationship is a product of emotional and physical connect.

Intellectual stimulation follows the physical and emotional attraction. Here, being on the same intellectual level with one’s partner becomes paramount.

Since there can be a thin line between attraction and repulsion, understanding attraction and how it works can help develop a lasting relationship. There are many facets of attraction. Let’s start with the body language. Physical attributes of a person are always a big trigger. Body language includes posture, eye contact and the tone of one’s voice. The right posture, longer eye contact, a deeper tone and an articulate way of speaking can go a long way in generating the right desirability. Personality is defined as the dynamic characteristic integration of an individual’s mind and body. It helps to create the right chemistry.

What is chemistry? It’s a mix of teasing, sarcasm, mystery, humour and flirting. Anything which provides a stimulus that can make one feel different, through unexpected and unpredictable ways is a part of chemistry. Not everyone has that effect on the other and hence it doesn’t click with all.

Self-confidence can also be a big turn on. It automatically exudes from a person through all the communication they make. It brings amazing results. Lack of self-confidence leads to insecurity and jealousy – a total turn off.

Emotional control is one of the main anchors for a relationship. No relationship can sail through uniform emotions. They tend to ebb and flow over time.  Negative emotions if controlled and managed well can be very appealing.

Flexibility, spontaneity, other interests, hobbies and friends can also be instrumental in attracting each other. Partner who makes his or her own happiness, is loved a lot more than the one who doesn’t. This way the partners don’t feel obligated to spend time with each other if they don’t wish to, all the time.

The last rule of attraction – love yourself if you want your partner to love u and be attracted to you.

Insane levels of attraction can be dangerous for a relationship. It can override one’s logic and ignore one’s instincts. But apart from these extreme tendencies, attraction holds the key to the treasure hunt of a successful relationship. After all, ‘you don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are’……

Testing is defined as a process of measuring the validity and reliability of parameters. How does one go about testing relationships? ‘One test fits all’ unfortunately cannot be applied here. As much as one would feel the necessity to test it sooner rather than later in a relationship, it is equally important later on – once it starts getting mundane, stereotype and monotonous.

Before using steel or any other new building material for construction, it is tested for its tensile strength and only the best is used thereafter. A relationship is a lot like that. Just as the building materials are needed to be tested for their optimum stress levels, so are certain areas of relationships. This forms the basis of a strong foundation – in construction and relationships. Once the newness of a relationship wears off and the reality sets in, it brings with it its own share of stresses and pressures. Testing the strength of a relationship is always conducive for it to grow and function smoothly.

Let’s say a couple share different interests. After a point they may not remain as interested in indulging in activities they do not fancy. Doesn’t mean they are disrespecting their partner or the differences. Maintaining one’s individuality is as important as being a part of each other. So they may decide to do different things at a given time. This would not only give them their ‘me time’ but also the space to value and appreciate each other. Unless and until this wasn’t tested by indulging in different activities, the feeling of preserved individuality and renewed fondness for the partner would have remained latent.

A relationship is always about we rather than me. But treading on the same path may not be possible by both all the time. Particularly if the path is sensitive, most feel, the prudence lies in avoiding that path – which certainly is not healthy in the long run. Partners don’t have to like everything about each other. They don’t always have to be on the same page. Testing requires treading the sensitive path to see if the relationship can withstand the rough patch. Whether it can sustain this parallel walk?

Relationships are the highest indicators of happiness. The happiness it creates has a rippling effect on the other areas of our lives. Most of the people are ready to compromise their happiness and as a result lose their ability to be themselves. Testing a relationship requires being one’s self to the core. Fake or artificial behaviour to please one’s partner can have long lasting detrimental effects on the relationship. By being one’s self, I mean being a good human being. Justifying a person’s inherently aggressive, insecure, jealous or inadequate disposition doesn’t fall in ‘being one’s self’ category.

Marriage is one of the longest associations one has with one’s spouse. With divorce rates going up, marriages which were supposed to be for keeps in a country like ours, have taken a back seat. Seven-year itch coming down to three years, has now dipped to three-six months. You don’t want yours to last only through some months. Test your relationship and see if it can stand the test of time and go from strength to strength.

One of the most common terms used while in a relationship is ‘opposites attract’. As much as it does initially in any relationship, it is equally a repellent later on. But then doesn’t everything attract naturally, initially – whether opposites or similarities? Love is blind is a given and it doesn’t take much to turn a blind eye to so many things, just not the differences. So why this big deal about the opposites?

What is love? It has been defined in infinite ways since time immemorial. The most logical definition according to me is basically a need being met and the feeling of completeness which follows. So when one has a need which cannot be met on one’s own and when someone comes one’s way and ends up meeting this unfulfilled need, it is the chemical reaction one associates with the feeling of falling in love. And instead of saying opposites attract it is more apt to say needs attract.

Stark opposites can create more problems than attraction. Let’s start with one’s bringing up. Different backgrounds can lead to different expectations in a relationship. And when one is not on the same page, differences always crop up. Not to talk about the cultural and other differences here.

A couple met in college, fell in love and got married. Both from very different communities and financial backgrounds. Initial euphoria and excitement didn’t take time to disappear once the differences started to appear – literal and mental.

The boy was from an extremely well off but orthodox family. The girl had a hard time adjusting to the stringent conservative lifestyle she was subjected to. Again not matching the financial background, her views on money were very different to his. She couldn’t get herself to see him splurge neither on her nor on himself. She didn’t approve of his ways of spending. And the relationship nose-dived.

Another couple, both very well qualified and professionals working together had their opposites repel them in no time. Boy belonged to an ancestral business run family for generations. Education played no role in that family. He being an only exception. The girl came from a family of professionals. Soon the dutiful daughter in law was expected to follow the footsteps of the mother in law. Her priority was supposed to be home. Soon she realized her individuality was in question. Deep differences.

Last but not the least a couple fortunately before tying the knot realized how different they were. The boy was very emotional and affectionate. He was brought up in a family who knew how to express themselves. They almost wore their hearts on their sleeves. But the girl was from a different family. Her inherent nature made her practical and rational. Initial attraction of being showered with immense affection started to get on her nerves. She couldn’t take it beyond a point. She always looked for logic in life. As a result they broke off in time.

It’s as good to know the opposites as it is to know the similarities. Opposites are not just antonyms we studied in grammar or language art but also the art to learn to get into the right relationship.

Super-fast technology is responsible for lightning speed of communication. Accurate and seamless to the core. Despite snail mails being replaced by speedy emails, people are struggling to race against time, an irony indeed! Where does the time saved from writing, sealing and posting, go? Fewer visits to the post office or to the letter drop box –and still struggling with less time than more. Courtesy smart phones, the process of emailing has become so much easier and quicker. Accessing various social media platforms again is a breeze through the very same device. Why then the dearth of some extra time? Well, football matches are definitely more generous in providing some.

Sardonically, notwithstanding the technological advancement, times are getting busier and the pace of life getting speedier. In today’s busy world it’s easy to get lost in the schedule, run to the clock, spend day after day trying to catch-up to the fast moving list of activities that need to be done just to get through the day. It’s easy to lose touch with your loved ones, with the ones that matter, trying to ensure the bills are paid on time. We all realise that this impacts relationships but not many of us do a lot to change that.

Try taking a break for a day, just switch things off, unplug that router or get away on a mini-break with your loved one and see the pleasure ripples spread for the few weeks. Breaking the mundane, doesn’t only rejuvenate the relationship, it shows you care and what’s important is just not the promotion you’ve been working so hard for. This enables your loved one to realise that he/she’s not the second best and isn’t there as a filler to your day. Your partner very much a part of your life as much as your job and friends are.

A tall order to break free? I bet not. Unless it has become an addiction and a personal hazard. Detoxing yourself from the daily rut of unnecessary communication can prove to be extremely effective in improving your personal relationships. Again selective communication instead of compulsive communication can be very helpful.

It’s like quick sand. Once you get into it, coming out is extremely chancy. One may not realize it now, but it can get from bad to worse. Initial harmless usage to obsessiveness and dependence can not only ruin you but your relationships with your loved ones too.

Research says it takes about twenty one days to form a new habit. So it simply stands to reason that people who want to develop a new habit or replace an old one must at least practice for twenty one days if they are to be successful. Please try to de addict yourself from your biggest friend turned foe – your smart phone. Apart from the physiological damage it can cause in terms of life threating radiation, infliction of mental harm is much more. Gauge your relationship now and and see the difference post your detoxification.

The same phone you used to connect the maximum with your beloved once upon a time is not being used to keep away from him or her. Has it served its purpose? I hope not.

Marrying a rich guy is almost every girl’s dream. Maybe a Mills & Boon dream or a Fifty Shades fantasy. And when the dream comes true, life is splendid! But the question is for how long? Does treading on this materialistic path satiate the avaricious needs? The only significant criterion here, what happens to the other essential factors critical for a marriage? Maybe money was the only rider once upon a time, but now what? Can it still work its charm on a relationship? As much as I wouldn’t want to believe in the same, there are so many couples whose relationship is based on money. Not to deny the importance and necessity here. But I have seen so many couples compromising on their marriages because of the same.  While, these are just one category of people, we have another category too.

One of my clients, a provider for his family sees his hard earned money evaporating into thin air. It’s not difficult for his extravagant wife to spend his money on things unlimited. On probing further he   says it’s the cheapest way to buy happiness for the wife and peace for himself.

How does it work? Splurges and indulgences by the wife are completely overlooked since that is what keeps her going. Instead of bearing the brunt of all her temper tantrums, insecurities and clinginess, he feels her spending keeps her maintain her sanity and in turn his. Mood transformation and elevation is immediate on engaging in shopping escapades. Money and its therapeutic uses.

While the large heartedness of this gentleman is something admirable and with all due respect to his generosity in not letting his wife think twice before involving in frequent shopping sprees, he is one of the fortunate ones to afford such luxuries on his wife. But what happens to others who can neither afford nor are generous enough to part with their earnings to let go of her idiosyncrasies? How do they procure happiness? A difficult proposition I am sure.

They may be subject to more of these taxing behaviours compared to the ones who keep buying happiness. But resorting to this practice is detrimental for any relationship. A line has to be drawn. Succumbing to unpleasant and unhealthy practices is an escapism from the real.

Sometimes the tables are turned. The woman regardless of whether she is economically independent or supporting the family or not, feels helpless and stifled to see the husband splurge money on unnecessary things, activities and vices. The wife has no say. And her feeble attempt to point out the addiction only leads to friction in a relationship.

How does one deal with this extravaganza? While my readers may feel it’s easier said than done, one should never feed such tendencies. Letting the wife or the husband spend sensibly is sensible, but letting them spend insensibly is certainly insensible.  You don’t have to be stingy in your approach. Relationship is based on something much more than monetary pleasures. If it has to sustain on a financial platform, it’s time to rethink.  Please don’t think about the ways in which money can be replaced by other factors which would make a relationship blossom. Like water finds its own level, so does a relationship, but with the right elements.

Please don’t let spending be the driving force in your relationship.

A recent debate on the importance of physical intimacy in a marriage by some experts from the fraternity had an interesting outflow of perspectives. A couple of decades ago, this topic would have been frowned upon. A given in any marriage, why the debate??? Technology infused times have imbued a lot of unthinkable dimensions to the human behaviour. The result – a paradigm shift in the overall human lifestyle, including sex.

So, when we talk about technology having leapfrogged in the last two decades, increasing and improving communication world wide – could we dream of speaking to a family or friend abroad every day? Could we think of connecting through updates and text messages all through the day that too with someone thousands of miles away? But the downside of it all is the technological invasion eroding relationships while facilitating virtual ones. What can one say about the growing expertise of keeping our loved family members at bay while striving to increase the proximity with someone far away?

One tends to really wonder at the need of having a partner to satiate one’s physical and emotional needs, thanks to the inexhaustible internet medium. Disclaimer – partner required only till the initial attraction and stimulation wear off.  Internet support services always available to fall back upon.

There are innumerable reports which throw light on the diminishing sexual interactions between couples. While technology is one main aspect we can attribute it to, what are the other reasons for this decline? An open and permissive society plays a major role. Although limited to urban areas, especially metropolitan cities, premarital sex is a definite reason. Although I am in favour of it (no compatibility issues later on creating problems in a marriage), but only up to a limit. After all you don’t want to reveal all your cards and be left with nothing for one of the most important relationships of your life. The initial aura, newness and attraction can only lead to demystification if indulged in for too long and too before.

Again, statistics say, the problem is not as prevalent in rural areas or smaller towns. Simple life certainly being the recipe for success. These are the people who are not privileged enough to enjoy glitch free internet or other technology offerings. They continue to feed their basic instincts in many normal ways than one.

Multiple partners have changed the complexities of intimacy too. Novelty and variety threaten the physical association if carried on beyond a certain period of time.  A single partner in a marriage ought to create monotony and boredom. One is not used to just one person catering to our unfulfilled needs.

Physical intimacy is the foundation of any strong marriage.  Especially in a country like ours, it’s one of the main reasons for people to get married. A social obligation necessary to surpass the threshold of intimacy. The closeness it produces is incomparable. Once you realise, you won’t need to scramble through your technology devices to forge a virtual relationship. Experience it and you will be touched – well, literally and figuratively.

My article – ‘Why stop watering the plant of love’, published a fortnight ago had my inbox flooded with emails. The essence of the article was woman centric, talked about women and their viewpoint. I have a lot of requests from guys who want me to throw some light on their perspective and thereby help women gain an insight into what they actually want from a relationship. So girls, brace up! This one’s for you…

 So when guys take you out, do things for you, surprise you with a movie, a trip to the cafe, are you supposed to sit back, take it easy, enjoy the way things come to you and expect him to keep doing this month after month, year after year?

It takes two to build a bridge. Please move away from the stereotypical roles of the guy continuously giving (and later providing), while his girl remains busy expecting. Changing times need changed outlook.

While it is up to him to pamper you, you owe him the same. Well, not in terms of the same things that he does for you, but certainly the same idea – to make him feel special and wanted.

Guys like things done, to them, for them, that make them feel special too. So if your guy takes you out to a fancy restaurant maybe you should organise a night in with the boys watching that game of football that he used to watch with his friends before you were in a relationship. It reminds him of a life before you but at the same time, while he’s with you, it keeps him rooted to the new way of life and appreciate your presence in his life.

You know every time you go shopping and poor guy hangs around holding your bags, maybe you make sure that he spends a similar amount of time doing what he likes… maybe he doesn’t like shopping for bags and shoes but he might want to go out and have a game of golf with his friends… It’s not up to you to arrange one for him but to make sure that he has his time, is able to indulge in things that he used to before you got married or got into a relationship.

Not only does this give him time, gives you your ‘me time’ too. After all, no guys want their women clinging to them all the time. How about giving them a chance to admire your independence? Not hogging on all his time gives you both the much required space. The result – both of you remain stimulated, physically and mentally.

It is well known that men mature at quite a later stage than women. This time and space that they get after getting into early relationships give them enough time to grow into what they are and understand what they want from life. Playing the part of a supporting partner, when he’s still acting like a teenager, while in his mid-twenties is something you need to be prepared for. Maybe you need to park your mature thought process and give him the space he needs to be the man you want him to be.

This time I am writing about a couple whom I am not seeing. Well, actually I do see them from time to time. Weird as it may sound, they make a very interesting study.  Regulars at all social gatherings, they fall in our social circuit. While they paint a very rosy picture about themselves, the reality, I have figured is very different. They may have been successful in deceiving others or even themselves, but haven’t been able to escape my insightful eyes.  Courtesy my modest amount of experience.

This couple is married for more than a decade. They are second to none with their Public Display of Affection (PDA) for each other. The natural initial fondness of a new found relationship manifested through eyes more than through any other physical gestures is very different to deliberate manifestations. Haven’t we all gotten used to PDAs on social media? Spouses wishing each other on anniversaries or birthday greetings conveyed through an internet platform. Defies the logic of staying under the same roof. An external support sought for a task so difficult to accomplish on a one to one basis.

Coming back to this couple, they are also famous or rather infamous for their public spats. Public affection being replaced by public spar in the flash of a moment. Why the paradox? Let me start with the pointers that lead to a relationship malfunction. My first question – is public display of affection after being together for a reasonable amount of time, normal?

It has been proved that couples exhibiting their affections openly are normally the ones who are insecure about their relationships. Their display is for public consumption. Or maybe inadequacies are fed through such demonstrations. When resorted by both, it’s a huge indicator of relationship distress. With only one of the partners indulging in it, it’s more about the individual complexities.

Relationships are complex – given the dynamics of two different individuals brought together. Instead of trying to build an affectation of duality, why not accept the reality and work on the root of underlying factors causing relationship disequilibrium? Why share the illusory bond, when you can be connected steadfastly at a much higher level? My humble request to couples trapped in this deceptive association is:

• Be the best of who you really are – This can be done by being less defensive. Sometimes, perhaps because of previous bad experiences one has had, the level of anxiety one feels about a relationship gets so high that the anxiety itself starts to generate problems. It becomes a cause of trouble rather than a consequence of trouble. And it gets in the way of being or becoming who you really are.

• Learn how to add value to your partner – For a safe and secure relationship, this is very important. Your partner’s needs can be different from yours. Learning about what’s important to them can help. So, please add value and not judgement – a common mistake made by many.

One can never equate a façade built for public domain with a beautiful intimate space of togetherness crafted for each other.

Someone rightly said: “Relationship is an art. The dream that two people create is more difficult to master than one.”

After all you don’t only want to look beautiful together in the public domain. Creating a beautiful intimate space of togetherness is what matters.

All individuals are unique. All couples are different. All marriages are distinct! One of the daunting tasks for couples of today is their inability to communicate.  It indeed is an irony given the technology soaked times we are living in.  Communication is the key to a successful relationship, especially to long and healthy marriages.  Lack of it can be really fatal for a marriage. While there are number of facets to communication, I would like to look at apologies today.  An extremely generous form of communication initially, finds its use tapered to a minimum, with time. Courtesy our inflated egos.

I have frequently noticed that the ego game with people in similar age group, especially in a marriage is pretty strong. One may not realize, but being egoistical can affect the communication process adversely. It is subconsciously manifested in our language and behaviours with our significant other.

One simple question to a couple I was seeing had no answer to: “when was the last time they said “sorry” to each other?” Maybe the last time was when they were courting each other.  And maybe that time it was said at the drop of the hat. Why does this five character word lose its worth with time?

One partner may generally be the first to apologise. And this tendency might be taken by the other person as the fault of the person apologising, which is seldom true. Faults in a marriage are attributable to both, but the person apologising first has only mastered this art to put the differences behind and start afresh.

Why is it so taxing to say sorry? Is it because we are not ready to bare it all and appear vulnerable? It’s a battle of the heart over the head where the heart gets impervious of what it wants to say or do – hereby starting the downward spiral of open-communication, the bedrock of a relationship. It is easy to get lost in the quagmire of this resurfaced ego.

In the heat of the moment you might huff and puff, but when you do realise, even if it’s the next day or a week later, that you weren’t as innocent as you thought, it’s won’t be too late to walk up to your partner and spill your feelings and apologise . Even if your communication is non-existent, apologising can help you both open up about your dormant feelings, making each other realize, you are still the same person you fell in love with.

Go sit down with them, communicate, apologise. Maybe they will respond. May be they will not. If they don’t, ask them if it’s their ego, that’s getting in the way. If they truly love you and feel what you feel, they will hear you. They might just realise that it was never you or them that were the cause of the relationship fatigue. It was the ego that swelled up the arteries of emotion and restricted the flow of communication that has led to the laundry list of issues.

Detox your relationship, start again, apologise.

Remember when you first met her? You were enchanted by her smile and couldn’t have enough of her.

Remember when you used to look for every chance to take her out and make every evening special?

Remember when you’d try your best to make her smile, try to make her feel eternally happy?

If this sounds like a memory test, it’s time to get a reality check on your love life.

The biggest relationship fallacy – a steady gradient in the ratio of initial indulgence to zero indulgence, is committed by many.

I just met a young guy whose girlfriend had broken up with him because she no longer thought he was the guy for her. On speaking with him over a few sessions, it was apparent what had happened.

When they first started dating, he would take her out, movies, meals, brunches, cafes, you name a romantic gesture and he’d tell you a tale where he’d overdone it for her.

They were so happy together that it seemed nothing or no one could come between them. A bond so strong that couldn’t be broken in this life. A life together so interesting that they wouldn’t have thought they’d have enough of each other in a single life. It’s not what happened though. Their relationship didn’t last two years.

The reason, it seemed, was simple, they’d gotten used to each other. The meets in cafes went from once a week to once a month, romantic meals turned into takeaways and to conversations about whose turn it was to oven heat the supermarket frozen food and feed the dog.

On reading this, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened and what caused her to lose interest in the guy. A guy who used to buy roses for her now didn’t even water the house plants. Most of us would be quick to point out his shortcomings and move on.

However, it’s not as simple as this. Let me tell you more about this guy… He’s all of us!!!

Reflect back into your relationship and for almost all of us, it’ll be following the same trend – shelf life relationships lasting only for a stipulated time period.

Unlike the girl in this relationship, your girlfriend might’ve stepped up and might be cooking for you. You’re sitting there smugly thinking there’s nothing wrong with your relationship.

When was the last time you did something truly special for her? Take her out? Make her evening special? Make her feel special about herself and about being with the perfect guy? This is not a memory checker. Just think about it… and if you were to take advice off a newspaper column, make that day today.

Also, let us know how it went and how she reacted, did you get the dazzling smile you used to receive every other day when you started courting her? Did she get close to you, hold you and say thanks for making her day special?

Write to us and let us know.