Monthly Archives: July 2018

The happiness of any home rests on discriminatory acts of blindness and deafness, with a dash of forgiveness. Not just in homes, but such selective acts help in sustaining every relationship. Principally honesty and transparency are commendable qualities but when applied to reality, the toll it takes on families and relationships can be unbearably brutal. Any relationship needs some insulation from harsh truths and less palatable reality. Solicits the need to honey coat sometimes. Disclaimer: Don’t mean to encourage unethical behaviour.

Love has a distinct tendency to own and possess. A sure shot recipe to stifle and choke a relationship. Instead of wanting to own and possess, the correct approach is to turn to things that attract and to turn away from things that repel. In a nutshell it’s all about selective energies. What you pay attention to, magnifies and what you ignore, dies its own death. Paying heed to wrong emotions, thoughts and behaviour – within yourself or in others is like festering a wound. There is a time to step forward and share, and a time to step back and guard.

The biggest myth that an ideal marriage and relationships constitute happiness and contentment, is the culprit here. Relationships are just the means to these goals. If managed well, these goals are attainable. When couples are aware of the reality of their marriage, they are happier. With acceptance of the ground reality, comes the need for consistent hard work and adjustment to keep a relationship ticking merrily. To understand that a marriage cannot be on auto mode, is very essential. Research says kindness is a crucial forecaster of long-term happiness in relationships. Focussing on your partner’s kindness can never get you wrong. Focusing on negatives can colour your vision by seeing negativity even where there isn’t any – returning to our ‘selective’ paradigm.

It’s all about selecting the right responses – by accepting something and living with it. We ‘select’ to lead a happy and satisfied life by abandoning that which is unpalatable and beyond our means, even if it seems impossible to do without. Emphasis on that which can be fixed and made the most of, while trying to arrest the growth of that which is toxic and detrimental. A successful relationship needs a rhythm that keeps the people in it together, happy and content. Select your rhythm to elect your best relationship.

According to experts, there are two types of affairs. The one in which people want to leave their primary relationship and the one in which they don’t. Experts also believe that people in the second category are at times not satisfied with themselves than with their primary relationship. Hence end up with an affair. There are innumerable reasons why people cheat in their marriage but at the end of the day, all the affairs can broadly rest on the two inferences of either wanting to leave the spouse or not.

Women are more likely to stray in order to get out of their marriage while for most men its more about nurturing the needs unmet by their marriage. It’s as if an affair makes them feel complete. Despite their marriage giving them the physical and emotional support, may be the sexual risk-taking is what drives them towards an affair. There are many people in extra marital relationships who see their partner only once in a while but when they do, it’s a total blowout. They come back happy to their marriage.

I see many clients having an affair, but they are very clear about not wanting to get out of their marriage.  As stated earlier, it has little to do with a person’s contentment from the marriage. It’s sometimes because the person is unhappy with himself/herself or is bored with oneself. Given the stressful and technology infused times of today, its very easy to communicate. Communication has led to accessibility – so getting involved is easy.

One can never get everything from one person. So, when a person is drawn to someone outside the marriage, one tries to justify the involvement by focussing on the unmet needs, desires et al. A very common psychology to defend the liaison.

Variety and novelty are the biggest attraction boosters. But these very boosters have a shelf life. The moment the novelty wears off, so does the interest in the affair. Especially if it’s the second category of affair, heartbreak from either side is certain. Both sometimes are demystified by the relationship as it fails to stimulate them as before.

If you are not happy in your marriage, walk out of it ethically. Why tread the wrong path and wrong yourself, your legal partner and your ‘partner in crime’? Anything ‘extra’ costs extra – including an ‘extra’ marital affair.

A very common problem plaguing relationships of today is one of the partners’ friendship with a friend from a different gender. Who is at fault? The husband/wife who has a friend, the spouse insecure by the friendship or the friend? Whom would you blame?

It is very natural and normal to make friends with people from the opposite sex. And trying to stop one’s partner from befriending someone just because he/she belongs to a different gender is unreasonable. One should have the right mix of friends – from the same or different gender to many. It never hurts to have many friends. The problem arises when there is this ‘one’ friend who gets all the attention. And this friend also loves to show all the intimacy in the presence of their friend’s partner. Isn’t the partner justified in feeling jealous?

If a partner shows resentment towards every single friend made by the spouse with the opposite gender, there is an underlying problem. He/she has inherent tendencies of jealousy and inadequacy. Certainly not worth encouraging. I would advise such people to refrain from giving in every time their partner smells a rat especially when there isn’t one. But, one can always tell the difference between partners who always throw a tantrum when they see their spouse interacting/communicating with a person(s) from a different sexual category and a partner who is unhappy and justifiably so, with a ‘particular’ friendship. Its is the moral duty of every husband/wife to put his/her partner at ease about the friendship. If the spouse is taken into confidence, involved in the friendship, I don’t see the problem escalating. If the spouse is made the priority and the same is conveyed to the ‘friend’, the friendship can go a long way and no partner would ever mind such a friendship.

Some people want to eat the cake and have it too. They want this super close friendship and feel justified in hiding it from their spouse just because the spouse doesn’t approve of it. Beats all logic. Why marry and befriend someone who is not your spouse at the cost of the marriage? Have friends but don’t let them monopolise you or your marriage. Setting priorities right is the key to a successful marriage. Are you using the right key for there can never be room for three? Agree with this decree?