27 Jul

Expect the unexpected

The nature of relationships solicits expecting the unexpected. At the onset of a relationship, when there are no expectations, the unexpected happens, leaving one pleasantly surprised. A newly courting girlfriend may not be expecting her boyfriend to go out of his way to plan a special surprise on her birthday.  She may also be surprised by a celebration to mark their first month of romance. So, when a boyfriend does something special for his girlfriend on her birthday, she would expect him to do that every year. And when it doesn’t happen, she’s disappointed and the relationship satisfaction graph takes a beating. A relationship gives rise to expectations. Once things start happening beyond the expected, expectations follow suit. The age of relationship and fulfilment of expectations are inversely proportionate. Ironical indeed!

‘No expectations, no disappointments’ goes the age-old adage. But is it really possible to keep one’s expectations under check in a relationship? Even if it’s possible, what is the point of a relationship where expectations must take a back seat? Every relationship should nurture the expectations of one’s partner as long as they are not   unreasonable, unreal and too many.

Similarly, in a marriage, initially a couple would do anything and everything for each other. Although it doesn’t continue for long, it is expected to continue. With time, the special things a couple did for each other dwindle and that couple may start feeling things have changed. Also, if one of the partners is more expressive in terms of celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, important occasions, he or she would expect to be reciprocated with the same for theirs. When their spouse fails to level scales, they end up feeling distressed. But unless it is not verbalized, the partner may not know at all.

Marriage is all about meeting each other’s needs but it’s also about meeting your own needs. Marital expectations are a part of your own needs. Communicating your expectations with your partner is essential to keep the relationship ticking. Your expectations can help you achieve the kind of relationship you want rather than compromising on your expectations and letting them slide by. Expect, provided you feel you deserve it, it’s not unreasonable and its achievable. Make your spouse understand that to take care of your expectations is expected. Someone very rightly said, “It is not love that disappoints us. Expecting it won’t is what does.” 

20 Jul

Edit your habits

As Samuel Johnson very aptly said the chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. In continuation to our last week’s column, the list of negative habits is endless. But highlighting a few more can prevent a marriage from getting damaged. A tendency in long-term marriages develops into a habit of not prioritizing intimacy – at various levels. One should change this habit at any cost to make a marriage invaluable with time. The habit to forget to be romantic after marriage can kill a relationship even before it matures.

Marriage is more about focussing on the future than the present – a habit or an outlook held by many. Couples are busy mapping out their detailed future together. While planning at a macro level is always beneficial, micro planning can take that mystery and wonder away.

To err is human but challenging to take criticism especially from one’s partner. Its crucial to form a habit to listen to one’s partner with an open mind no matter how challenging it seems. Holding unnecessary grudges can be a harmful habit. People struggle to let things go. Its important to be able to forgive and forget and not let things accumulate in the form of antipathies for long.

The habit to forget one’s ‘me time’ once hitched is destructive. Wanting to spend 24×7 with one’s partner can be intense, and one needs some time alone regularly. Having no personal hobbies is a part of this habit.

Every relationship is about ‘give and take’. But if it becomes a habit to give too much, it can be traumatic – compromising one’s needs in the process. Its never a good habit to give in to one’s partner’s wishes and needs all the time. People also have the habit to cribbing about their partner to their family and friends. Venting is a human need. But when it comes to a marriage, one should guard the privacy of that space and not let an outsider enter. The most detrimental habit these days is spending too much time on the cell phone, which always interferes with the relationship. Divided attention leads to conflicts beyond repair. The habit to check one’s partner’s phone should be also broken immediately.

To co-habit with your spouse, edit your habits.

13 Jul

Are you a creature of your habits?

It has been proved that even the smallest of bad habits can have a negative impact on one’s marriage. Let’s start with the worst habit which most couples have – the habit to change or improve one’s partner. The moment this idea germinates in the mind of a person, it puts him/her into a false superior mode and leads to unnecessary power struggle in a marriage.

 A very common habit in these technology infused times is the practice of squabbling via text messages. Prolonging a fight through text messages can spoil a relationship. Having serious conversations through the same medium can be troublesome. In tune with this habit comes the habit of posting about one’s partner on the social media – particularly venting can have an adverse impact on the relationship. A partner always wants to feel safe and attached. But this habit can take that attachment away.

 A very detrimental habit is to compare one’s partner to others. Making comparisons is a human tendency but when it becomes a habit to compare one’s partner at the drop of a hat, it ruins a relationship. To accept one’s partner as a unique individual will get rid of this habit. So, when one should refrain from making stark comparisons, one should also refrain from keeping one’s feelings bottled up. Communication is the key to any strong relationship. Feelings should always be shared – good or bad. Inability to do so have manifestations in the form of resentment, anger and frustration.

The moment one is married, the mentality to own one’s spouse sets in. It leads to a habit of not giving space. Although it could be a result of inner fears and insecurities, one should stop oneself from cultivating this habit. Not giving enough space leads to familiarity which breeds contempt and takes each other’s presence for granted. The quality of relationship is thus compromised.

Another very bad habit with many couples is to argue in public spaces. Arguing publicly creates couple shame which can be mentally wounding. As opposed to arguing in public, giving silent treatment is another bad habit to avoid. Couples who use silence frequently as a conflict mechanism have low relationship satisfaction, poor intimacy and communication.

Habits first start as cobwebs and then become cables. Stop being a creature of your habits or you will be entangled in them forever.

06 Jul

What is the cost of your relationship

Every relationship comes with a cost. Intimate included. At what cost, depends completely on the person involved. The costs can be multi-dimensional – financial, social, personal and many more. While, the first two would become an intrinsic part of any relationship, at what personal cost can one afford to remain in a relationship remains a question mark. ‘Personal’ cost entails infringement on privacy, hampering one’s hobbies and interests, likes and dislikes, resistance in nursing one’s idiosyncrasies et. al. The list is not exhaustive and there are so many more.

Most couples or individuals pay heavily by cutting off with their family, relatives and friends once involved. While at a certain juncture it could be justified – courtesy bitter experiences with the inner circle people, that apart no other situation solicits such a move. Overtly unfair on the people who were a part of their lives for all these years, only to be side lined by a new entrant in their orbit. A big personal cost.

I know a couple. Right from their courtship days the woman discouraged her man from keeping any relations with his family. The motive behind making him lose touch with his family was to break his support system – to make him so dependent on her that he would be forced to commit. Now, any sane person would not blindly tread such a path and ignore one’s family, but there are people who momentarily get so involved with their partners, that they cannot see beyond them. The irony of the entire situation was such that the woman continued to live and be a part of her family and expected him to be nice to them. But he was stopped from interacting with his. Love is blind, but the guy was super blind.

Having a partner who doesn’t want you to have anything to do with your family reflects a lot about him/her. Also, a partner who cuts off all the ties with his/her family for the sake of their partner speaks volumes about them as a person. When a person can break an eternal bond with the family, do you think that person would think twice before calling it quits with their partner? Sadly, the person who wants their partner to sever ties with his/her family is dumb to realize. Plant your seeds properly for what you sow, so you reap.

01 Jul

Do you complement your partner with compliments?

A polite expression of praise and admiration one commonly terms as ‘compliment’ seems to go out of stock once married. Before marriage there’s no dearth, in fact the stock is inexhaustible. Then why the dearth once hitched? Among many things one takes for granted in a marriage, extraction of compliments is one of them – compliments not only cease to pour, they cease to sprinkle altogether. Marriage, especially in our country seems to give the license to take each other for granted. When couples change or stop focussing on the finer nuances like showering compliments, expressing love and gratitude, they once used to, one may feel one’s partner has changed – although they inherently remain the same.

Just because one is married doesn’t mean one becomes complacent with things. A couple may stop complimenting each other, but the moment a third person showers some compliments, they feel euphoric. How ironic! Its very human to feel happy when complimented.  All relationships germinate through compliments – extra-marital included. Hence when couples having experienced it with each other, stop the practice once married, feel at the top of the world when complimented by an outsider.

Flattery and compliments are different. One might have to use both to get married but once married, meaningful compliments can make a bond rock solid. Complimenting a partner for being a great parent can be very effective. Given how challenging parenthood is these days, a good parent deserves it.  One should never refrain from complimenting one’s partner for looking good. If he/he has made a special effort for it – hitting the gym, indulging in some self-care beauty therapy or simply having a new haircut or colour, all the more. Throwing a compliment for someone who is beautifully balancing everything never hurts. Managing work, home, children, friends, family et. al. is never easy. Last but not the least, gratitude is the biggest form of compliment too. It may not seem like one until one is at the receiving end, but being paid in kind in that space, can feel blissful.

Couples underestimate the importance of compliments, but it can be an elixir for any relationship to soar. Start seeing the positive in your spouse and make sure you genuinely compliment them at least once in a day – with something you haven’t mentioned before. Compliments cost nothing so go pay a compliment now!!!