Monthly Archives: June 2016

The term ‘me time’ came into vogue about a decade ago. Its importance was brought to the fore by experts from the mental wellness fraternity world-wide who couldn’t stop emphasizing its benefits – to counter stress, facilitate decision making, problem solving through insightful thinking, enhance relationships and increase concentration and efficiency. Too bad, indulging in it still continues to be a challenge for most, especially those in relationships.

The most distorted thinking while in a relationship is the tendency for couples to feel compulsive about staying together continuously.  The first thing that comes to my mind is the concept of ‘merged couples’ – an expression given to couples who have lost their sense of individuality, lost the space in between and operate as one. They are like two peas in a pod, never apart. The result – over dependence, feeling of being stifled and taken for granted, decreased attraction and increased clinginess. Mark of an unhealthy relationship.

The strong need for one’s own space should never be undermined. Being in love cannot eradicate the want for one’s own time. For that matter, spending every single moment with one’s partner neither justifies nor guarantees a flawless relationship either. So, the question remains – what should be the ideal balance between ‘we time’ and ‘me time’?  While its very natural and normal for couples to spend 24/7 with each other in a new relationship, striking the right balance between the two is never easy. If 100 percent is a lot, zero is a lot less. New couples must learn to navigate their time together with some ‘me time’ and spending time with family and friends. Availability of couples to their pre-existing relationships decline. As a result, other relationships take a back seat. These are the same relationships which would provide the much required support when they go through turbulent times.

When one partner takes some time alone, the significant other may feel like they have to fight their way on to their partner’s schedule. We can attribute this to men and women being wired differently. Studies show that women are more prone to spending increased amount of time with their partner, while men are like rubber bands. Intimacy and independence go hand in hand for them. So they naturally tend to go back and forth to their original interests and hobbies from time to time.

It is impossible to fulfil each and every need of one’s partner. ‘Me time’ can beautifully substitute and complement some of these unfulfilled needs. Various aspects underlying the need for personal space range from fear of demystification, anxiety about being abandoned or left heartbroken – if remained too invested in a relationship, to compromising on activities of interest, inducing a feeling of giving up something – a feeling synonymous to giving up one’s identity. Sometimes mere suffocation creates the need to take a break. A sure shot way to breed resentment and emotional distance into one’s relationship.

Guilt deters people from not taking that crucial time for themselves. But once it is pursued and the resultant outcome effective, one realises the value of this opportunity to be an individual again. It gives a sense of privacy, independence and self-fulfilment. What better way to recharge one’s emotional batteries, which are inevitably drained at some point in a relationship?

‘Me time’ gives you the biggest platform to be yourself, so even if it’s only ‘tea time’ for starters, take that break and enjoy your cuppa…

Airport terminals normally witness two kinds of passengers. The ones who effortlessly check-in their bags and the ones who are struggling to lug their bags to check-in counters. Passengers traveling light never have to worry about their excess weight. While the latter are always hoping their excess baggage would fall within the stipulated airline limits –  inducing anxiety to dodge the extra charges.

Are you struggling to share your emotions with your partner? Are your past experiences weighing you down? Are you full of self-doubt? Are you making unfounded assumptions about your partner? If the answer to any one or all of these questions is affirmative, you too could be carrying that extra baggage with you. Memories of the past which a person carries consciously or unconsciously and which continue to control his/her present can be defined as emotional baggage. It could be anyone or anything who/which has outlived its shelf life and has turned into an unnecessary burden.

Carting too much weight from the past can be a real relationship turnoff. Our unpleasant past dictates our present. It is responsible for our actions and reactions, thoughts and choices. The previous experiences we carry don’t allow us to live our lives to the fullest. Fear of being hurt again restricts our expression. Our reactions to our past trials and tribulations are not fair on our present relationship. And it’s not always about the unpleasant experiences. Even fond memories can act as an obstacle to one’s current relationship. It becomes a benchmark and limits one’s appreciation for new one.

Particular aspects of our personality like our habits, ego, idiosyncrasies, projections, coping and defence mechanisms make us hold on to the past, forming set patterns to be repeated at every stage of a relationship cycle. Holding on to one’s ex can be something similar. How many times have we seen divorced individuals talking about their ex-spouse? Despite being in a new relationship, they can’t let go of their ex. Children in abusive families often grow up as abusive parents themselves. Painful childhood experiences are so ingrained that they are projected onto their family – knowingly or unknowingly. Studies in neuro science have established the paradoxical nature of the human brain. It is prone to affection and protection at the same time. It is constantly struggling to get close at the same time wanting to protect itself from any pain. A bitter marriage would make things difficult for a remarriage. Strong need for proximity and affection would intermittently be replaced by feelings of fear and insecurity.

Lingering issues from the past need to be addressed. The problem is not with the issues but how we deal with them. Nobody comes baggage free into a relationship. But if old problems which still weigh you down are used as learning tools, you can certainly get rid of a lot of extras. A three step approach can effectively help us de-clutter: Realisation – Acceptance – Implementation

Embracing the reality by being honest about your feelings is the first step to realization. And with realization comes the need to assess if the goal is worth the effort. It leads to acceptance which is an imperative part of the healing process. Resisting it only perpetuates it. We need to acknowledge what triggered the hurt and be ready to open ourselves up. It’s never easy to be vulnerable in a relationship. But it is the same vulnerability which forms the basis of a well-founded and healthy relationship. Communication is the key for making the much required shift. Expressing ourselves to someone who can truly listen to us, validate our feelings and experience, show compassion, support, encouragement and understanding can certainly facilitate the implementation.

Travelling with zero access baggage will certainly make your trip worthwhile. How about carrying an extra handbag though???

Every time I hear the term parasite, the therapist in me can’t help comparing it to relationships, particularly marriages. A parasite lives off a host and exploits it for important resources required for its survival and gives nothing in return. Similarly, a parasitic relationship will drain your emotional strength, composure, time and money. It’s easy to identify these kinds of relationships, but if not quickly spotted, it can spell trouble in the long run. A few pointers to watch out for in a relationship, if you haven’t so far.

Depleting energy levels – spending time with one’s partner should be about renewed and refreshed energy. If you feel drained mentally and physically by the time you have spent substantial time with your partner, your relationship is red flagged.

Unreasonable dependence – all relationships are about give and take. But if you feel that yours is lopsided with only one partner granting all the favours, it’s time to rethink.

One sided needs fullfilment – if your partner is feeding his/her needs without any regard for yours, it’s very unhealthy.

Emotional imbalance – the way a person handles his or her emotions says a lot about them. Frequent temper tantrums, uncontrolled anger, over sensitivity, mood swings are all tell-tale signs of a parasite.

Full of oneself – If you are reduced to only being a listener all the time, while majority of talking is done by your partner, you are in trouble. With hardly any words of appreciation for you, your feelings always take a backseat.

Constant need for love, approval and recognition – the scales are never even here.  They only want and need you to reiterate and profess your love for them all the time.

With these pointers, hopefully you wouldn’t fall prey to a parasite. It’s crucial to recognise them sooner rather than later.

Parasites have characteristics which are very distinct yet similar to normal people. One needs to learn the art of getting an insight into their behaviour.

First and foremost, they are very much into you and at times with some obsessive streaks. Once they receive what they want, they would temporarily withdraw. Guilt is something which they can very well play around with. They don’t hold any guilt but are adept at inciting guilt in the partner. They can be quite melodramatic and can shrug responsibilities easily. Manipulation is their second nature and play the blame game all the time. Self-pity and sympathy are two very distinctive traits in them.

Negative past experiences – unpleasant upbringing, difficult past relationships, deep-seated hurt or even a faulty reinforcement pattern from early childhood can lead to low self-esteem, immaturity and inferiority complex. These are manifested in their parasitic behaviour. It’s one kind of coping or defence mechanism to deal with these troubled experiences at the conscious and subconscious levels.

Relationships are meant to be mutual. Both the partners get into a relationship with the hope of getting love, affection, attention, companionship, financial security and stability along with social and emotional benefits. When the pairing is not mutually beneficial, with only one partner delivering, it is time to rethink about the relationship. A parasite can destroy your identity and individuality.  Timely professional intervention can certainly help mend your relationship. A stitch in time saves nine.

How beautiful it would be –   if attracting someone, one is attracted to, is as simple as attracting iron to a magnet.  Unfortunately, relationships are not always about polarity. Even reciprocated attraction remains in question – for how long?

Attractions are varied. From lasting, fiery, permanent to the kind that flames out faster than it started. Short term attraction like flaming or the kind that flames out faster than it started are easier to tame compared to the other two long term ones. Lasting relationships are the result of long lasting if not permanent attraction.

One can be physically attracted to more than one person at a given time. So being physically attracted to someone is not enough to start a relationship. One needs to feel something more at a deeper level in order to want each other. It’s the emotional attraction which leads to a relationship. A healthy relationship is a product of emotional and physical connect.

Intellectual stimulation follows the physical and emotional attraction. Here, being on the same intellectual level with one’s partner becomes paramount.

Since there can be a thin line between attraction and repulsion, understanding attraction and how it works can help develop a lasting relationship. There are many facets of attraction. Let’s start with the body language. Physical attributes of a person are always a big trigger. Body language includes posture, eye contact and the tone of one’s voice. The right posture, longer eye contact, a deeper tone and an articulate way of speaking can go a long way in generating the right desirability. Personality is defined as the dynamic characteristic integration of an individual’s mind and body. It helps to create the right chemistry.

What is chemistry? It’s a mix of teasing, sarcasm, mystery, humour and flirting. Anything which provides a stimulus that can make one feel different, through unexpected and unpredictable ways is a part of chemistry. Not everyone has that effect on the other and hence it doesn’t click with all.

Self-confidence can also be a big turn on. It automatically exudes from a person through all the communication they make. It brings amazing results. Lack of self-confidence leads to insecurity and jealousy – a total turn off.

Emotional control is one of the main anchors for a relationship. No relationship can sail through uniform emotions. They tend to ebb and flow over time.  Negative emotions if controlled and managed well can be very appealing.

Flexibility, spontaneity, other interests, hobbies and friends can also be instrumental in attracting each other. Partner who makes his or her own happiness, is loved a lot more than the one who doesn’t. This way the partners don’t feel obligated to spend time with each other if they don’t wish to, all the time.

The last rule of attraction – love yourself if you want your partner to love u and be attracted to you.

Insane levels of attraction can be dangerous for a relationship. It can override one’s logic and ignore one’s instincts. But apart from these extreme tendencies, attraction holds the key to the treasure hunt of a successful relationship. After all, ‘you don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are’……