Monthly Archives: August 2016

A girl in her mid-twenties visited me once complaining that she’s having difficulties being around with her best friend for years. She found it difficult to maintain the closeness that she shared with her friend until recently. She felt that the friend had stopped sharing her life details with her as she once used to and that was disturbing her to quite an extent. She had come to me for guidance on how to improve her relationship with her friend. Just when she felt everything was getting back to normal, something would trigger and her friend would react very sharply and get emotionally perturbed and the relationship would once again take a beating.  She’s insecure that the friend doesn’t really care for her anymore.

Human psyche doesn’t allow us to keep all our relationships at the same level of intensity they start with. Of course it is always a privilege to have a long association with a friend. But in the process, some things change and some things remain the same. So when it feels that the things are not what they used to be in any friendship, it sets off a warning bell. It’s perfectly alright to have this kind of a feeling occasionally. Everyone goes through some problems in life and it is in those moments that the friendship tends to take a back seat. But if it becomes recurrent in nature, it can be a sign of friendship incompatibility.

Longevity alone can never make a friendship work. It takes a lot of understanding, patience and tolerance to nurture a meaningful friendship. A friendship can be a great self-esteem booster when you know that you won’t be judged and taken for granted. But if a friend is making you unhappy and negatively affecting your life, escaping from it through avoidance will only make it more insurmountable.

Research shows that when times are tough, friends can play a major role in improving our wellbeing. Survival rate in terminally ill patients is four times more for those who are surrounded by true friends. Same is true for patients with cardiac history. They recover faster and better if they have good friends in their support system. Is your friend there for you when you need him/her and vice versa? Is he/she or you very demanding? If the answer to these questions is yes and no respectively, you are on the right track. The core of any relationship is to stick by each other through thick and thin – from beers to tears.

Resolving conflicts between friends in school is very simple but fixing it in adulthood can be daunting. Hence talking it over would any day be a better proposition than avoiding the situation. Explaining reasons for feeling upset can be conveyed. Instead of being confrontational, calmly listening to what the other has to say can make a lot of difference. Like in any relationship, giving space is the mantra for a lasting friendship and hence after making your point, one should wait for the friend to make the next move. Give your friend the space and time to resolve his/ her inner conflicts. If your worth and feelings are not acknowledged and validated, it’s time to move on. Not everyone you lose is a loss.

Communication has always been an ever evolving process. It has metamorphosed in last fifty years. If we look at it from a couple’s perspective, it has drastically altered from what it used to be about five decades ago. Majority of marriages, in those times, mostly arranged, hardly saw any communication between prospective brides and grooms, especially after their betrothal. Post marriage, there was some communication, generally one sided with the submissive wife perennially playing the role of a listener. It changed for the better about a couple of decades ago, when couples started opening up relatively more. Apart from telephonic conversations, love letters became popular and greeting cards came into being. Today, the scenario is completely different. The advent of the internet has led to a revolution in communication. Snail mail is replaced by emails. Internet chatting and social media have monopolised the entire communication network. Despite so many avenues being available, paradoxically, the patterns of communication have seen a decline in the number of couples connecting with each other through traditional ways. As a result, it has lost its flavour and touch – has become more synthetic than natural.

I would like to highlight the other side of communication which may go against the grain for many, but I feel negative communication is better than no communication. Astounding as it may sound, it is true! Thanks to the digital communication, genuine conversations are getting all dried up. Emotions are never reflected rightly, making it very easy for misunderstandings to creep in, taking a toll on couples and their relationships. In fact, tumultuous times are the times when communication is the most important and necessary, however daunting it may seem.

It’s natural for couples to be wary of getting embroiled in a tiff which would lead to unpleasantness and hence would choose withdrawal to confrontation. But a relationship dies an unnatural death when both partners stop or reduce communicating. Any disagreement would always mean the communication will turn negative somewhere. Wanting to resolve the differences, even at the cost of arguing merely proves, the relationship is valued. Fighting is an effort towards keeping the relationship alive. It’s a sign that it is healthy. After a conflict when both partners cool down and reflect on what transpired, they are always in a better position to dialogue with the issues which got them there in the first place. So, negative can be a positive at such times.

Expression of emotions – good or bad is a form of communication too. Again expressing oneself is not enough for a relationship to work. Expression needs a response and both can take a negative tone. A tell-tale sign of a relationship going haywire is when expression or response takes a back seat.

Communication is the essence of any relationship. Effective communication always resets a distressed relationship. Being forthright, honest and open about sharing what’s important, will help save a lot of relationships from becoming sour. Partners are no mind readers. Unless the thoughts are not put across – either positive or negative, one would never be able to gauge what’s going on in each other’s minds, affecting relationships.

Before it gets late, communicate with your mate!!!!