29 Jul

To marry or not to marry…

A wife to her friend, “I’m so fed up with my husband. He’s keeping an eye on me like a hawk. Acts like a detective.” A husband to his friend, “I owe my beautiful life to my dear wife.  She makes me feel so complete. I am a lucky guy.” An unmarried friend, “I am so lonely. I wish I had someone to share my joys and griefs with.” A happy bachelor, “it’s finally holiday time and I am off hiking to the mountains on my own. I am so looking forward to the trip. These are just some common dialogues shared by people with different relationship status – portraying the implications of various relationships

Delving deeper into the psyche of people not quite fascinated by the institution of marriage brings about some interesting facts.  Will start with the unmarried couples in steady relationships. These are couples who are either co-habiting with each other or are in a steady relationship while living independently. General outlook would question the functioning of these marriage simulated couples and their lack of keenness to have a stamp of legal endorsement on their relationship. The stereotypical generalization would put women in a loser’s camp, mindful of their chronological and biological age – as if a woman is born to be only a wife and mother. A generality far from the real today. Statistics say, women are equally if not more reluctant to commit. Courtesy their economic and social independence. A good bank balance from a well-paid occupation and a wonderful support system of family and friends provide support in times of distress.  They refuse to get bound in an alliance, thereby restricting their growth and movement. Similarly, for men, who may not be afraid to commit, feel the irrelevance of marital authorization for a lasting relationship. If it has to, it will – no piece of paper can be a reliable predictor of its success or failure, is the generic view. These are the people who are averse to a marriage but not to their relationship, which gives them all the benefits of matrimony without being into one.

Why do singles remain single? A matter of choice, chance, conditions or compulsions? Can be a sum of all or one. Independence, ease of no encumbrances and freedom to be, can be very appealing. What drives their system that deviates them from the usual?  A series of unpleasant past experiences, degree of parental harmony, influence of distraught couples and their woes, et.al. All these go against their grain to bear constant naggings, jealousies, possessiveness, explanations and justifications at every step.  On and off relationships are no big deal for them. There is a strong deep seated need to control or to be in control. These kind of people are certainly better off being on their own. Getting hitched would not only spell trouble for them but also for their prospective partner.

Not everyone needs to conform to the norms of the society by getting married. Perceived differences on life and marriage can act as a catalyst in the decision making.  Sources of happiness are different to different people.  Marriage is no longer a milestone of personal achievement and happiness. It yields different meaning to people. After all, happiness is relative. What is your happiness? To marry or not to marry/ single – to be or not to be??

 

 

21 Jul

Relationship Review, a new reality

The latest in the world of relationship therapy is the concept of ‘Relationship Review’. Couples, regardless of their relationship status have started seeking professional help to strengthen their relationship. It’s basically to alert couples to check if they are in trouble and need to seek help before damage has occurred. Apart from couples facing some distress between them, these are also couples who have a smooth going but aim to iron out even the smallest of differences which eventually snowball into much larger ones. Relationships and mental health are correlated. Couples have started realizing the importance of healthy relationships. Maintaining one’s mental equilibrium can be a task, given the stressful times one lives in. A meaningful relationship acts like an anchor and provides the much needed support system in trying times.

Relationship review is a lot like performance review or appraisal. It is an evaluation of one’s relationship. But unlike a work appraisal, there is no right or wrong here. The frequency of these reviews can differ from couple to couple and depend on the nature and duration of the relationship.

A relationship review would provide couples with systematic feedback about the state of their relationship. For each partner, the review would deliver a precise report of their level of satisfaction with respect to their relationship and with the specific behaviour of the other partner. For example, a wife might report high levels of satisfaction generally, but may express some dissatisfaction towards her husband’s slovenliness. Or a generally satisfied husband may indicate concern about his wife’s splurging beyond his level of comfort. These are some of the issues one would expect to see in normally content marriages/relationships and they provide maps for improvement to make the bond stronger.

 

Relationship review is based on the premise that the earlier the problem is surfaced and talked about, the greater the chances of improving it – to make it last. It includes questions as basic as time spent together, alone, with immediate family, at work, and on entertainment. Does the relationship constitute a positive and healthy environment? How is the accessibility between the couple, their responsiveness and emotional engagement with each other? Communication is another extremely important parameter in couple assessment. Emphasising the significance of communication is never enough as far as relationships go. What and how are the communicating patterns between the couple? It has been proved that negative communication is better than zero communication. “Couples have lost the art of communication. If you don’t use it, you lose it,” says a prominent psychologist.

Despite the availability of standard relationship reviews, an ideal review format should include questions based on an initial analysis of the couple. Questions relevant to a pair may not be so to another. It becomes very vital to have a customised questionnaire keeping the reviewing couple in mind.

 

Familiarity puts a relationship on auto-pilot, leading to faded attention and interest. A review will precisely help you reset the compass of your relationship. It will help couples get a reality check on their relationship, set goals and make necessary adjustments. Feeling intimate, accepted and emotionally connected is a wonderful part of a healthy relationship, and such check-ups help facilitate these qualities.

Who would have ever thought of relationships and reviews going hand in hand????

 

 

14 Jul

Same world – different tones!!!

‘The husband’s father’s wife (who is not his mother, but the father’s second or third wife) also happens to be the wife’s mother’s sister. Their children are a sum of their children as well as the children from their previous marriage/s. So apart from being the step siblings, they are also cousins.’ This is how a couple’s background/history read when presented for analysis on my last trip to London. Every time I go to the UK, my tendency to point out the differences between the country I visit and the country I live in, gets into an overdrive. The variances are aplenty and highlight the cultural, social and psychosexual differences. Deciphering such cases while trying to register these multiple relationships at various levels can certainly be taxing as opposed to the cases in our country where relationships are STILL at a much simpler level. Of course with the rising number of divorces, relationships are getting compound than they were earlier.

The afore mentioned case always makes me wonder about the nature of the problems faced by couples abroad compared to ours. Cultural differences can pronounce a problem so differently. While over there it can be anything ranging from a non-supportive spouse who is not lending a hand at home, to parenting problems, teenage pregnancies causing friction between the couple, same sex couple conflict to sexual dysfunction. Although the underlying factors affecting a relationship would more or less be the same, the kind of relationship problems we face in our culture are so very different. It is generally related to gender inequality, in-laws related issues, extra marital affairs and relationship distress due to internet addiction. It makes me marvel how similar issues faced by couples living across borders could have a different impact on the relationships purely based on cultural differences. So many things taken for granted in one culture can spell problems in another. Ironic indeed!!

With mutual consent, all it takes is eight weeks for a divorce to fall through in the U.K., justifying an increasing divorce rate. Whereas in India it can sometimes take a lifetime to come through. Seeking companionship after a certain age without a legal endorsement is common to counter loneliness. Seeing someone in one’s fifties, sixties or even the seventies is very normal.  Older people are not frowned upon by the society to fall and feel in love. I admire this openness to express one’s feelings at any stage of one’s life. To accept this kind of a reality in our country is still a distant dream. Things are changing but only in certain parts of the country. It is a paradox that the sacrifice couples make for the sake of their children by continuing in a dead or a stuck marriage in our society is something completely incomprehensible in the west. Seeking relationship support services over there is a given at the slightest indication of a relationship malfunction – simply showcasing the significance of having a healthy relationship unlike in India where it is still considered a social taboo.

I couldn’t take my eyes off two of my co therapists – both doctoral students, in their sixties and head over heels in love with each other. Love has no age, no limit and no end… The same world but different tones.