Monthly Archives: September 2019

The latest research suggests the young adults of today are in the process of redefining a lot of things – relationships included. No pressure from the society or people around them can force them to give up on their freedom. The current generation seems to echo the need to live on their own terms. They seem to defy all the rules but their own. Marriage certainly doesn’t seem to be on their cards – may be till they have ticked all the right boxes of achievements.

Youngsters these days nurture values and opinions very different from their parents’. They also seem unperturbed when not in sync with their friends’ preferences. They are just out there to break the clutches of the conventional. The attitude that no one knows them better than themselves seems to rule the roost. Having grown up in a world very different from the one their parents grew up in is probably a major factor of mismatch, particularly in relationships and matrimony. Their idea of what a marriage brings to the table is very different from what their parents think. It’s difficult to tell what appeals them. For girls, guys well settled, tall, dark and handsome, professionals or entrepreneurs don’t seem to float their boat. Beautiful, fair, homely girls no longer attract the young guys of today. Default traditional gender roles don’t exist in their lives.

One of the reasons why parental or societal influence doesn’t work for them is the strong presence of the social media. It has become a great source of validation. The YOLO generation is not unnerved about talking to total strangers through social media. In fact, quite a few would rather find a meaningful relationship through a dating app than through family or friends – a normal narrative focussing on the ‘my vs all others’ validation. “What will people say” seems meaningless. They refuse to conform to the norms and judgements of the society.

The research further indicates that marriage doesn’t essentially seem to be mandatory for people in love, proving their priorities and happiness triggers are diverse. For them a relationship is a journey and not a destination. When they plight their troth, nothing would deter them from choosing a partner they think is right for them.

Youngsters have been forced to compromise but it seems they have come with a promise to compromise no more – a threat or a promise?

The age-old adage ‘to err is human and forgive is divine’ is not as simple (to follow) as it sounds. Especially forgiveness, for it requires a sustained effort and commitment on the part of the person from whom forgiveness is sought. It’s not easy to ask for forgiveness either.  Everybody at some point in their lives get into situations where they need to grant or ask for forgiveness.  

How should one function when in the wrong? Confession is the first step towards forgiveness. One must admit the wrong doing. This must be followed by a sincere apology. The key point here is to understand the pain of the person one is asking forgiveness from. An apology by itself is not powerful enough. One needs to empathise with emotional experience of the person after the confession. Relationship is more valuable than one’s inflated ego. One must strive to wade above the ego and try to compensate for the wrongdoing. Restating with conviction that the same would never be repeated should be emphasised. Asking explicitly for forgiveness reflects one’s genuine remorse and intent to change.

It can be equally daunting for the person to forgive. Not only can he/she not empathize with the transgressor, it’s almost impossible sometimes to feel sorry for the person who inflicted pain or harm. Journaling the positives of the relationship and of the partner involved can dilute the intensity of pain. Emotional replacement can come in handy.  Replacing some negative emotions with positive ones can facilitate the process of forgiving. One can always change the magnitude of the mistake by taking control of the situation. What’s done cannot be undone but forgiving is something which is well within the realms of one’s control. Last but not the least one can always visualize a hypothetical situation and see if one can live without the person at fault or can one accept him/her despite the fault and forgive?

Its always easy to dwell on people’s faults and hold on to grudges. But it has been proved that forgiveness reduces distress and increases life satisfaction which in turn leads to higher levels of happiness. Forgiveness is not always about others but also about self-forgiveness. Our sense of self is defined through our relationship with others. Hence the need to forgive others as well as our own self. Live to give – forgiveness for happiness.

Words have the power to heal or hurt. Hurtful words can be emotionally degenerating. The irony is when such words are uttered by people we love, it hurts us even more.

Communication through harsh words seems to be the order of the day. Rationalized thinking would try putting the love on a pedestal and consider these words as an intrinsic part of the process. However, just like an arrow that has left the bow never returns, words once uttered can never be retracted, leaving the person at the receiving end hurt and how.

Offensive words escalate into verbal abuses when couples don’t exercise enough control over their temper. While this may seem temporary and a couple may get back to being normal, it hampers the equation of the relationship. Again, yelling at one’s partner is something which takes an intense toll on the relationship. The partner who loses his/her cool usually apologizes for their unacceptable behaviour. Although a natural tendency, the damage is irreversible. Their partner is expected to take it as a momentary reaction and accept the apologies gracefully. And when a partner continues to be affected by this behaviour, they are like, “do I jump out of the window to prove I don’t do it deliberately?”  It’s a paradox to see such a partner showing remorse at the same time appearing nonchalant. It can be very difficult to survive in this kind of a relationship.

In situations like these, one needs to start zooming in on many factors that influence both the partners. Each partner needs to understand the depth of each other’s feelings. They need to show extra empathy to each other by putting themselves in each other’s shoes. “Would I like being shouted by my partner or would I be happy hearing some detestable words from my partner?”

The best possible way to refrain from getting into these kinds of situations is to think twice before speaking whenever in an argument. Instead of crying over spilled milk, one should be doubly careful about not letting the milk spill in the first place.

If you are in a relationship with your partner, you ought to make sure that you respect each other. Intimacy doesn’t grant you the liberty to hurl harsh words or use fowl language against your partner. Words can be sticky. Be a stickler in using them.

We are seldom conscious when we brush our teeth, apply a moisturiser or undertake any such mundane activity. Chores are generally performed mechanically. Apart from these nearly programmed rituals, a lot of   unconscious behaviour gets ingrained within us and forms into a pattern. While these behavioural patterns may seem helpful as they may not tax our minds, such patterns come in the way of relationships. Here are a few examples of how.

There was a husband who felt his wife wanted to be in control of everything. So, apart from going to work, he let her be in the driver’s seat about everything else. All major decisions were taken by her. Eventually, she became the man of the house and he couldn’t really connect with the woman he was married to. He wanted to leave her. Here, the wife didn’t realize her control wielding behaviour came in the way of their relationship.

I have seen another case of a woman who was married earlier and had been through a bad marriage. She would hold back her love from her husband just because she was scared it wouldn’t be reciprocated like in her first marriage. Her pattern of self-protection by withdrawing her love from her husband drove him into the arms of another woman.

A man’s depression though treated, came in the way of his marriage. His biggest fear was he wouldn’t be loved and thus longed for sympathy. The wife on the other hand was fed up with sympathy ruling the roost of their relationship and love taking a back seat. Eventually she divorced him. The man’s behaviour because of his fear became a cold, withdrawn and emotionless pattern hampering the dynamics of his relationship. With time the wife became emotionally emptied and ended up with an affair and eventually a divorce.

When people try to change themselves inherently by becoming what they are not, they set a pattern of behaviour which doesn’t sync well with their persona and creates a conflict with the unconscious. Not being what one inherently is, always comes in the way of a relationship.

Its not always easy to be aware of some self-patterns. People are limited by what they know and that keeps them away from experiencing marital harmony. The wrong patterns can be catastrophic for a couple. Treat patterns as designs. How about your relationship by design?