Monthly Archives: February 2016

Most of our clients who come to us want to resolve their relationships. Some being referred through the system –   divorce courts, where most of them are looking for a quick formal tick in the box of going through the process.  Just what the doctor ordered, just what the law mandates. A necessary evil, a formality they need to go through to end their agony of a painful marriage.

It is for these people that I advise, there is hope.

While most of us recognize that relationships have their ups and down, the ones as long term and intense as marriage especially do. And when the path is only downhill we choose to ignore the descent. Why wait for the touchdown to ask ourselves, “Is it really over?”

Statistics show that those who marry later in their lives have longer and healthier relationships. This is especially relevant in a country where most of us marry young.

We marry even before knowing who we are as a person, trying to know what we’re looking for in a partner is a tall order at that stage.

Life evolves, in most cases, quite rapidly. Time moves fast. We change. But we don’t stop and look at the relationship issues that we may have with someone. Someone who we thought was a perfect match some seasons ago, only to realize that it’s us as much as them at fault – if not more than the mess the relationship is in. The reason we need to consciously stop and observe the changes in ourselves as a third person or recruit a friend to do so is probably because that’s what’s causing the relationship to go through a dark tunnel with no light visible at the end of it. If we’re not careful, the train picks up pace and before we know it, it’s at a cliff edge, hanging in a precarious position where most of us just want to let the seemingly extra baggage go, as painful as it might be to say goodbye to save the train of our life.

We should’ve done this sooner but at some point through this process of throwing the extra baggage out we do realize that there might be an alternative ending to this story. A story with a happy ever after. But we’re too pessimistic at this point to try and attempt a rescue attempt.

Our work, with a lot of our clients, has led us to believe that it isn’t over until it’s over and the train of marriage is long and the links holding the carriages though not weak, can be further strengthened. More so when children are involved. All it takes is some work of patience and a lot of self-belief, a bit of a faith in the institution of marriage and a lot of trust in the partner. If not easy, neither difficult.  Absolutely achievable.

‘Must have been love but it’s not over now…’

With Valentine’s Day round the corner,  last week was quite unprecedented. Contrary to my expectations of seeing couples, I ended up seeing a lot of singles ready to mingle. With differences in degrees, their issues were all centred on only one thing – what attracts a guy to a girl and vice versa?

I wish it was something as easy as: “who’s your favourite cricketer or what’s your favourite film, sport, book etc.?” I was trying to drive home the point that ‘one size fits all’ doesn’t apply here. A quality which attracts one person to another, may not work on someone else. Had that been the case, out of thousands of people we interact with, why would only one person touch the chord of our heart? But since they had taken the trouble of coming to me, that too with great anticipations, I tried to come up with some relevant answers, hoping to make some difference to them and their relationships.

First and foremost, attraction is something totally relative. And since men and women are wired differently, what attracts a woman to a man can be very different from what attracts a man to a woman. Ladies first – it is rather  difficult to pinpoint a singular aspect about men that appeals universally to all girls/women, but being a woman, the most honest answer I can come up with  is really simple. Normally a woman is attracted to a man who is attracted to her. Period. No beating around the bush here. Haven’t we heard, ‘a man chases a woman until she catches him’? Other attributes like grooming, sophistication, hygiene, looks, chiselled body and sense of humour follow suit. Loyalty again can be a game changer. Delving deeper into their psyche reveals an interesting fact. It is learnt that they are so much in love with themselves that any external force adding to their self-love and esteem certainly works. They like to be complimented – but not in humdrum ways like: “you are very pretty or stunning.” They keep hearing that all the time. Action speaks louder than words. So instead of telling her something, doing something is a better bet. Maybe like just texting her at unexpected hours or amidst one’s busy schedule to convince her she is being thought about. Small gestures go a long way in making her feel wanted, no matter what. So guys, if you play your cards well, she can be smitten and how!

The prescription is pretty different as far as men are concerned. Ladies, please get over the clichéd list of long hair and neck, beautiful eyes and face. A woman’s sex appeal scores the highest in terms of all her other attributes. And the sex appeal doesn’t always ooze from her physical beauty. Her intellectual, emotional and social bearings speak volumes. It’s reflected through her persona – proving ‘beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder’ to the core. While opposites attract, men with opposing personalities often have opposing deficiencies and strengths. Trying to meet those through their women is what strongly holds them on to them.  As much as sweetness and good nature are a big turn on, clinginess and possessive can be a big turn off. So girls, even your scales to balance it out.

Valentine’s Day is over. I hope these relationship nuggets are fine to help you wine & dine and shine like turpentine with your valentine – not just today but everyday…

A recently attended conference on same sex couples really got me reflect on their bearings. My experience of dealing with them was pretty intriguing and enlightening in Europe – South East Asia being no different. While it is still a taboo to even open up about one’s sexual preferences in our country, discussing the intricacies of relationships between the two is almost implausible.

A client I was seeing had a rift with his partner. One would easily believe that the nature of their problems would be different to heterosexual couples – interestingly they aren’t! And the list would pretty much resonate the same as heterosexual couples. Commitment phobia to differences in seeking commitments, insecurities, jealousies, inadequacies et al. top the list of common conflicts. My client had broken up with his partner and was devastated. After courting each other for a couple of years, they had drifted apart. It was a long distance relationship. Frequent meetings dwindled to a few and finally nil.

A striking difference between these couples and the rest is the high commitment levels they invest while in their relationship. One of the main dynamics contributing to this phenomenon is the limited choice they have to get involved. Compared to wider choices the heterosexual couples enjoy, finding a partner matching one’s tendencies and nature becomes a bit challenging. There is a constant anxiety of a relationship malfunction looming over an uncertain future. Resultant anxiety sometimes has a cascading effect on other aspects of their relationship.  It becomes a cause of trouble rather than a consequence of trouble, breeding insecurity extensively. With no guarantee to find someone sharing the same views, wavelength, rapport and feelings, the insecurity gives birth to fears, tensions, frustrations, pressures and anxieties. My client was no different. Fear of the unknown had catapulted him almost to the brink of a nervous breakdown.

I have realized that same sex couples require a little extra insight beyond normally required for heterosexual couples, since they have far more additional stressors ranging from personal, social to religious. Despite similar nature of problems, their conflicts have a bit more sensitivities only to be handled sensitively. Discrimination (at all levels) would play a key role in the personal challenges faced by most. Family support playing the biggest rider, considering their social dilemmas and quandaries, can certainly be a universal elixir for all – same as well as hetero.  More the positive outlook of the family, better the coping mechanism, especially in terms of openness and acceptance. Inverse support leads to couples struggling to bring their relationship out in open and inhibitions in sharing relationship problems if any. Again, religious and orthodox societies add to the unreal guilt – converting anxiety into depression and spelling more trouble for the already affected.

Why defy the natural? Please don’t succumb to ‘what you don’t see doesn’t exist’ syndrome.  Why be a cat with closed eyes only to avoid the real? Why not accept this reality sooner rather than later?  Basic instinct is distinct – differently similar!!