19 May

Testing relationships

Testing is defined as a process of measuring the validity and reliability of parameters. How does one go about testing relationships? ‘One test fits all’ unfortunately cannot be applied here. As much as one would feel the necessity to test it sooner rather than later in a relationship, it is equally important later on – once it starts getting mundane, stereotype and monotonous.

Before using steel or any other new building material for construction, it is tested for its tensile strength and only the best is used thereafter. A relationship is a lot like that. Just as the building materials are needed to be tested for their optimum stress levels, so are certain areas of relationships. This forms the basis of a strong foundation – in construction and relationships. Once the newness of a relationship wears off and the reality sets in, it brings with it its own share of stresses and pressures. Testing the strength of a relationship is always conducive for it to grow and function smoothly.

Let’s say a couple share different interests. After a point they may not remain as interested in indulging in activities they do not fancy. Doesn’t mean they are disrespecting their partner or the differences. Maintaining one’s individuality is as important as being a part of each other. So they may decide to do different things at a given time. This would not only give them their ‘me time’ but also the space to value and appreciate each other. Unless and until this wasn’t tested by indulging in different activities, the feeling of preserved individuality and renewed fondness for the partner would have remained latent.

A relationship is always about we rather than me. But treading on the same path may not be possible by both all the time. Particularly if the path is sensitive, most feel, the prudence lies in avoiding that path – which certainly is not healthy in the long run. Partners don’t have to like everything about each other. They don’t always have to be on the same page. Testing requires treading the sensitive path to see if the relationship can withstand the rough patch. Whether it can sustain this parallel walk?

Relationships are the highest indicators of happiness. The happiness it creates has a rippling effect on the other areas of our lives. Most of the people are ready to compromise their happiness and as a result lose their ability to be themselves. Testing a relationship requires being one’s self to the core. Fake or artificial behaviour to please one’s partner can have long lasting detrimental effects on the relationship. By being one’s self, I mean being a good human being. Justifying a person’s inherently aggressive, insecure, jealous or inadequate disposition doesn’t fall in ‘being one’s self’ category.

Marriage is one of the longest associations one has with one’s spouse. With divorce rates going up, marriages which were supposed to be for keeps in a country like ours, have taken a back seat. Seven-year itch coming down to three years, has now dipped to three-six months. You don’t want yours to last only through some months. Test your relationship and see if it can stand the test of time and go from strength to strength.

 

 

14 May

Opposites Attract

One of the most common terms used while in a relationship is ‘opposites attract’. As much as it does initially in any relationship, it is equally a repellent later on. But then doesn’t everything attract naturally, initially – whether opposites or similarities? Love is blind is a given and it doesn’t take much to turn a blind eye to so many things, just not the differences. So why this big deal about the opposites?

What is love? It has been defined in infinite ways since time immemorial. The most logical definition according to me is basically a need being met and the feeling of completeness which follows. So when one has a need which cannot be met on one’s own and when someone comes one’s way and ends up meeting this unfulfilled need, it is the chemical reaction one associates with the feeling of falling in love. And instead of saying opposites attract it is more apt to say needs attract.

Stark opposites can create more problems than attraction. Let’s start with one’s bringing up. Different backgrounds can lead to different expectations in a relationship. And when one is not on the same page, differences always crop up. Not to talk about the cultural and other differences here.

A couple met in college, fell in love and got married. Both from very different communities and financial backgrounds. Initial euphoria and excitement didn’t take time to disappear once the differences started to appear – literal and mental.

The boy was from an extremely well off but orthodox family. The girl had a hard time adjusting to the stringent conservative lifestyle she was subjected to. Again not matching the financial background, her views on money were very different to his. She couldn’t get herself to see him splurge neither on her nor on himself. She didn’t approve of his ways of spending. And the relationship nose-dived.

Another couple, both very well qualified and professionals working together had their opposites repel them in no time. Boy belonged to an ancestral business run family for generations. Education played no role in that family. He being an only exception. The girl came from a family of professionals. Soon the dutiful daughter in law was expected to follow the footsteps of the mother in law. Her priority was supposed to be home. Soon she realized her individuality was in question. Deep differences.

Last but not the least a couple fortunately before tying the knot realized how different they were. The boy was very emotional and affectionate. He was brought up in a family who knew how to express themselves. They almost wore their hearts on their sleeves. But the girl was from a different family. Her inherent nature made her practical and rational. Initial attraction of being showered with immense affection started to get on her nerves. She couldn’t take it beyond a point. She always looked for logic in life. As a result they broke off in time.

It’s as good to know the opposites as it is to know the similarities. Opposites are not just antonyms we studied in grammar or language art but also the art to learn to get into the right relationship.