Monthly Archives: August 2018

One of the key factors for a successful relationship is communication. Everyone communicates. Even couples in distress. What’s important is how effectively they communicate. Effective communication can be difficult since so many go around in circles trying to get their partner to see things their way or defend themselves from their partner’s attack.

Communication by itself is something very simple and straightforward.  But the moment two people enter an intimate relationship, the dynamics of communication change. These dynamics are important to learn for a committed and passionate relationship.

Vulnerability is at its peak in an intimate relationship since each partner is striving to navigate their way through maximising their pleasure and minimising their pain. In the process many couples struggle because when one person speaks, the other person hears something completely different. For example, when a wife tries to express her feelings about something, the husband thinks its not worth brooding over and tells her so and the problem escalates. The husband has no idea why she’s feeling worse because he’s only trying to help by diluting her intense feelings so that she wouldn’t be affected by those feelings. Men also tend to give up on communication when their innocuous comments turn into volcano time and again. Generally, women feel their husbands have no time, sensitivity and empathy and hence feel ignored and thus lose connection. Men on the other hand feel that they find it extremely difficult to please an aggressive and controlling wife.

The problem is most couples don’t understand the core problem they are facing. Surface problems overshadow the core problem in the form of kids, money, in laws, health etc. When surface problems start monopolising, couples stop communicating in a way that makes them understand each other, which further creates problems. A couple starts dealing with superficial issues instead of getting to the root of the problem.

Communication is not about words but learning the core meaning behind the words. No matter what the pattern of your communication is, unless you are creating attraction energy in it, the communication is a failure. I don’t mean only physical attraction – emotional dependence, joint decisions, bringing up children in mutually acceptable ways, consulting each other, sharing the humour timing et. al. Basically something which makes your partner come to you, come back to you every day, every time.

Are you one of those who always questions your spouse’s liaison with other people, not necessarily with someone from the other gender? So many clients repeatedly complain about their partner “being nice” to other people. Being nice to someone is a basic form of kindness. Everyone should be kind. Then why this inadequacy or jealousy the moment one’s partner is a little “extra nice” with someone else? “Why do you have to be so nice to him/her?” One should always take pride in the fact that one’s spouse is a polite, courteous being. Would you want a partner who is curt, indifferent or rude?

The basic rule which rules all human beings is that when you are with someone for a limited period of time, you tend to be nice. Its only when you spend a lot of time with someone, which is usually at home, that you are your self – a melange of nice, very nice and sometimes not nice. Any individual who feels bad about one’s partner being good to someone else lacks self – confidence. It’s vital to understand that showering attention on someone has a shelf life. A few clients complain that their spouse is “nicer” to this other person or not “as nice” with them. According to me, one should never fret over such situations. When you feel your partner is being pleasantly different from what he/she usually is, you should be happy. Since that’s not what he or she is and anything which is not inherently real, never lasts.

Generally, all couples develop an organic relationship with each other over the years. Its very natural for anyone to give or enjoy some attention from someone who is not one’s partner. Doesn’t mean your relationship is endangered. Learn to accept “niceties” extended to other people. Dwelling over it can take a toll on your mental health and also on the wellbeing of your relationship. When you are comfortable with your partner’s pleasant temperament with others, it will bring you a lot of peace.

When you generally remain unaffected by your partner’s pleasant dispositions with others, the moment you feel someone is getting extra special attention, you will be in a better position to curb it. Perennial complaining can fall on deaf ears. But with your unruffled attitude you’d know there’s a time for are and a time for peace.

Are you one of those who always questions your spouse’s liaison with other people, not necessarily with someone from the other gender? So many clients repeatedly complain about their partner “being nice” to other people. Being nice to someone is a basic form of kindness. Everyone should be kind. Then why this inadequacy or jealousy the moment one’s partner is a little “extra nice” with someone else? “Why do you have to be so nice to him/her?” One should always take pride in the fact that one’s spouse is a polite, courteous being. Would you want a partner who is curt, indifferent or rude?

The basic rule which rules all human beings is that when you are with someone for a limited period of time, you tend to be nice. Its only when you spend a lot of time with someone, which is usually at home, that you are your self – a melange of nice, very nice and sometimes not nice. Any individual who feels bad about one’s partner being good to someone else lacks self – confidence. It’s vital to understand that showering attention on someone has a shelf life. A few clients complain that their spouse is “nicer” to this other person or not “as nice” with them. According to me, one should never fret over such situations. When you feel your partner is being pleasantly different from what he/she usually is, you should be happy. Since that’s not what he or she is and anything which is not inherently real, never lasts.

Generally, all couples develop an organic relationship with each other over the years. Its very natural for anyone to give or enjoy some attention from someone who is not one’s partner. Doesn’t mean your relationship is endangered. Learn to accept “niceties” extended to other people. Dwelling over it can take a toll on your mental health and also on the wellbeing of your relationship. When you are comfortable with your partner’s pleasant temperament with others, it will bring you a lot of peace.

When you generally remain unaffected by your partner’s pleasant dispositions with others, the moment you feel someone is getting extra special attention, you will be in a better position to curb it. Perennial complaining can fall on deaf ears. But with your unruffled attitude you’d know there’s a time for are and a time for peace.

One of the latest judgments from the High Court says a husband asking his wife to improve her cooking is not ill treatment. I agree. Wanting one’s wife to cook well is no offence. But there is a difference between expecting something and demanding something. A thin line of division.

Most marriages on getting a legal stamp of endorsement get infested with the bug of ownership. They feel they own each other as well as the institute of marriage they are in. It’s generally not the case till a couple is courting each other – the ownership rights are enjoyed but not violated.

When a husband expects a wife to cook well, to look after his home, children etc. it’s a part of the age-old tradition; husband being the provider and wife the nurturer. These roles made a lot of sense when it wasn’t common for women to have an occupation. Now, despite women working, gender biases continue to define gender roles. Working women must balance their homes and work. Lending a helping hand by the family, instead of entrusting them with dual responsibilities is unfortunately not a given. ‘Stay at home’ wives or mothers are expected to do or get the daily home chores done. Fair enough – if it is not demanded. I am seeing a couple where the wife is a homemaker but doesn’t like to do anything at home. Her husband comes home and clears the mess that their baby creates and cooks. Simply on humanitarian grounds, regardless of the gender, the working partner should have some liberty to get a breather once home.

Men continue to function being providers – courtesy our culture and tradition. Not only are they expected to work and make a living for themselves and their families in terms of food, shelter and education, they are inundated by demands for a better car, piece of jewellery, luxurious residence, dream holiday etc. When we expect husbands to help their wives, wives are supposed to return the favour. If not financially, wives can at least help in kind or get a little less demanding.

Too bad we live in a country where court verdicts dictate relationship dynamics. Why can’t a couple just understand and help each other? The right mindset, mutual trust, respect and care can certainly put your quest for the best (relationship equation) at rest.

‘Always’ is one of the most popular or rather common words in the vocabulary of married couples. Anything and everything is attributed to ‘always’. E.g. every time there is an argument, either or both partners will say “I know you always say this” or anything done against the partner’s wishes is also responded with “you always do this”. “You always come late” or “you are always on your phone” and “you always rake up the past”. This word coming up at the drop of a hat has the capacity to turn the tone of any normal conversation.

According to me when you use the term ‘always’, you know your partner too well or at least claim to do so. Hence the generalization. It shows how confident you are about your partner’s movements, behaviours, thoughts etc. A soothsayer at work – you know what’s coming or what’s in store.

Now my question is when you know that your partner ‘always’ does a certain thing, why keep talking about it? It shows you are aware of his or her set pattern of behaving or responding. Every human being functions in a certain pattern. By reiterating it does it help? On the contrary, this very word spoils the entire equation. Even if you want to change this pattern in your partner, by saying ‘always, instead of discouraging, you are only encouraging it. Courtesy – human psychology to rebel. You are giving a negative connotation to not just this word but also to the essence of your partner’s persona.

When you have spent some decent amount of time with your partner, you know everything about him or her – it’s a very predictable relationship. Predictable relationships can be boring but at the same time, it serves as an important tool to make your relationship smooth. Predictability can help you to change the stimulus to avoid getting the same response.

Instead of blaming your spouse for resorting to the ‘always’ behaviour every time, why don’t you get used to it? After all you have always seen that type of behaviour. Ranting the same thing time and again is a waste of time. you may underestimate the power of your ‘always’ but the power it has to dilute your couple dynamics is massive.

Always make sure that you avoid using ‘always’ when dealing with your partner. Generalizing never helps for your relationship is special and not general.