28 Sep

No lies for lasting ties

 

A grim reality of modern marriages – lies!! It has become an integral part of relationships – compromising the integrity of sacrosanct marriages. Unfortunately, most often there is no guilt – people have become immune and the guilty conscience has ceased to bite. However, some people nurse their guilt of lying by labelling their lies as ‘white lies’. Isn’t a lie a LIE? Period.

Why do people lie? While there can be reasons galore, there are a few which are mainly responsible. Primarily, when one belongs to a family where lies are a given, when one is grown up witnessing untruthfulness around, it doesn’t take time for this dishonesty to multiply, since values are always imbibed through one’s family. It is reflected in the bringing up process. When the upbringing is not right, it will manifest in a person’s disposition eventually. Like a family heirloom, it gets passed on from one generation to another.

Seldom do people with wrong values end up being fair and straightforward. When two individuals with different values get into a relationship, it can spell trouble. One of the benchmarks of a healthy relationship is correct and matching ethics. Never turn a blind eye to such pointers in the form of different morals, principles et. al.

Another factor which comes into play is fear. When a person fears one’s partner, one is compelled to fib. Now, that again is unfair but understandable. Why do something which makes one scared of one’s partner in the first place? Secondly, sometimes the deed is not as serious as the reaction of the partner. But when one of the partners behaves unreasonably, their partner is left with no choice but to mitigate the situation through lies.

Fearing one’s partner is a terrible feeling – no matter what. It comes with a cost of hurting one’s self esteem, self-respect and freedom. Mentally taxing and certainly not worth being in that kind of a relationship. Lying is never a solution to combat anything. Discourage your partner from overreacting from day one. What you nurture continues.

Lies can break any relationship or can change the entire equation. It’s up to you. Do you want it to hang on the hinges of lies and deceit? What morals do you want your children to absorb? You may be immune to lying but your conscience will never be. “Hips don’t lie” and neither should you…

 

21 Sep

Ditch the itch

Seven-year itch is passé. What followed was a three-year itch. Needless to say, that too is obsolete. As if the six-month itch was not enough, the latest is a three-month itch. Years have turned to months and do I dare say it can turn into weeks??? Well, I certainly hope not. The rate at which things are going, one never knows how soon the institution can become redundant.

Why does a marriage have to be an eye opener for a relationship? May be because one didn’t get to know one’s partner before tying the knot. Also, the ‘love is blind’ syndrome can make one overlook a lot of aspects leading to unpleasant revelations. Could it be the familiarity, the taken for granted attitude or the demystification of too many facets in a marriage? As I mentioned last week, too much too soon even in a marriage like in a relationship can act as a spoilsport.

Every relationship goes through a cycle of stages which become impossible to skip. Each stage comes with its own share of charm. Fundamentally, the relationship should keep growing with time. Why do couples find it difficult to feel the same way about a marriage as they once did? Changes in a relationship are inevitable. And surpassing certain stages in a marriage cycle unavoidable. Analogy of a plant suits this aspect the best. The more we nurture it, the better it grows. Physical love grows into emotional love over a period of time, public display of affections converts to silent communication patterns, meant to be understood only by the partners.

Nothing can be more beautiful that growing with your partner not just chronologically but also as a person. Mentally stimulating marriages unlike physically stimulating ones for a short period are a product of long years of togetherness.

Why not make the institution of marriage itch free and convert blissful days into weeks and months of romance, to years of love and affection? Accept, agree and act that your marriage will change each day – but for the better. Just because the newness has worn off, doesn’t mean the entire marriage is down in the dumps. My young reader couples of today!!!!! Make your marriage the envy of the world. Don’t bitch about your marriage/partner and ditch the itch. Marriage mein kheech kheech…. Unfortunately, no vicks ki goli helps.

 

 

14 Sep

Too soon is never a boon

Today’s column is for my young readers who regularly mail me. This week they want me to address their predicament on why any relationship which starts on a high note loses its steam in no time? Each relationship is different and so is each couple in a relationship. Two people making a couple are different. Couple dynamics are different too – how it is formed, the time frame behind it, the mental makeup of two people involved etc can throw some light on why a relationship graph dips rather than rise.

One can also attribute this problem to needs fulfilment. How soon and effectively are the needs fulfilled play a key role. Normally, the time taken to satisfy the needs is a primary relationship predictor.

Incubation period in any relationship is necessary. Couples tend to get overwhelmed initially and naturally so. But without letting it mature, rather without nurturing it to mature, the relationship is bound to go downhill. One needs to invest in the relationship. Invest in terms of time and patience. Instant gratification is a killer. When one gives it time and patiently lets it bloom, it’s wisdom.

At the slightest cue of attraction, there is a flurry of communication. Courtesy cell phones. Not just the time spent in communicating, but the essence of communication is very important. If one is engaged in 24×7 communication monopolised only by euphoria, the relationship is guaranteed to doom. The bond needs substance. Maturity of two people with similar emotional quotient has more chances of adding substance to their relationship.

Despite knowing that nothing lasts forever, especially the initial enigma and attraction, couples get carried away and end up losing each other. One can question spontaneity here – why be mindful when one can just go with the flow and experience beautiful emotions and feelings?

Whether we like it or not, feelings and emotions seldom last long. When one is aware of its shelf life, why not get prudent and do the right thing to make the relationship right? There’s a time to communicate, how much to communicate, interact and express. Instead of getting impulsive and letting your relationship peak, to eventually slump with the wrong person, take your time to make it right with the right person. To love someone to the moon and back too soon is certainly not a boon.

 

01 Sep

Don’t let the colour of your relationship fade

I have written about ghosting in the past – the sudden disappearance of one’s partner without a warning. Such individuals stop responding to texts or phone calls from their partners as they go into the oblivion.  They just exit, leaving their partner clueless.

Close to ‘ghosting’ is ‘Sudden Fading’. Here the individuals plan their exit gradually. They work on a plan to get out of the relationship when they feel they are not happy or serious about. They slowly extricate themselves from a romantic liaison. Slow fading starts with fewer messages compared to a flurry before. They tone down the communication but generally respond when communicated with.

What is the psychology behind these ‘Slow Faders’? What leads to their evasive behaviour? Such people justify the act by thinking they don’t want to disappoint their partner and hence fade away slowly instead of abruptly calling it quits. Since they have spent some decent time with their partner, they want to nurse their guilt by not ignoring their partners completely. They maintain infrequent and distant association for some time before finally walking away. They feel they are making a soft landing so that the partner is not hurt. They are mentally preparing their partner. What they don’t realize is that they are cowards rather than empathetic souls doing more harm than good. Sometimes such ‘Slow Faders’ are interested in keeping their options open. In case they want to resume their romance, they have an avenue open. Distorted thinking at its best!

It can drive the partner faded crazy. It becomes confusing to decipher their behaviour during the ‘fading’ process, since they are always responded to, but the responses are vague yet positive. For e.g. They wouldn’t know how to decode “See you soon”. Did he/she mean literally “soon” or next week or next month or…what?  Other examples are “Sounds good”, “Great, look forward”. These can mean anything – serious or casual. The partner faded is completely at his/her wits’ end to comprehend the language of the partner fading them.

Slow fading can be painful, but ‘slow faders’ are people with an unbalanced thought process. Are you a victim?  Its better to be without them rather than to be with them. Be thankful for their exit. ‘Slow Faders’, please make a clean break instead of breaking your head to find out ways to fade. Point well made???