Monthly Archives: January 2018

No human being is perfect. No relationship is perfect either. When people strive to make their relationship perfect, they end up making it even worse than what it is. Every couple has a unique equation with each other. This equation is the result of some parameters which the relationship functions on. What is important to one couple may not be so to another one. These parameters vary from person to person, couple to couple and relationship to relationship and ultimately define the relationship dynamics.

The biggest folly which most couples or rather individuals in relationships make is to compare their equation with another couple/relationship. One of the main reasons of distress. So long as those parameters continue to have a traction on their relationship to work overall smoothly, it doesn’t really matter what the other couple shares. What a couple share is something totally personal and unique. It is impossible to emulate another couple by simply observing them. What their dynamics are, can be very different from what meets the eye. Their social makeup can be very deceptive. Various social media platforms only make it worse. With no offence to social media users, I strongly believe that public exhibition of love, romance and closeness is nothing but a reflection of inner inadequacies, fears or insecurities. A false display of reality. An attempt to meet some unfulfilled needs at some subconscious level.

To stop comparing yourself or your relationship with others, you need to develop a sense of contentment. The moment you start feeling content about yourself and your partner, your relationship will transform into something very beautiful. If the basic parameters set by you and your partner are in action, you don’t need to sweat the small stuff. You may feel someone’s spouse loves him/her more than yours. You may feel someone is rewarded more materialistically than you. But those are not the gauging measures to go by. Be happy in your own space. Like there’s no limit to comparing, sky is the limit to expecting. When you stop comparing and expecting, you stop any kind of a relationship distress trigger from activating.

No matter what others think about your relationship, what’s important is how you feel about it. What you have created, and share is inimitable. Hope you feel content by the contents of this column and develop a sense of contentment.

Many people have asked me the recipe for long lasting successful relationships. There is never a specific recipe since all relationships are unique.  But a universal ingredient that tops my list of ‘can’t go wrong’ formula is the ability to make oneself valuable in a way one’s partner needs it. Generally, people assume they are doing great with their partner. Needs of each other are either overlooked or not comprehended clearly without realizing it. Thus, a relationship starts working on these assumptions, especially as it ages – breeding complacence. As a result, people’s actions completely miss what their partner need to feel happy and connected to. Communication takes a backseat.

When the needs are not effectively communicated, and actions start getting presumption based, a large gap between the two is formed.  A paradigm shift in the mindset of couples to bridge this gap is necessary. It is extremely essential to be on the same page with one’s partner. Once they get the drift of it, issues can be tackled very easily. A mindset shift requires to make a few changes in one’s thought process and behavioural patterns. Cultivating patience is the first step in that direction. Timing and patience go hand in hand. To wait patiently for the right time to respond or react allows a lot of time to understand and analyse a partner or a situation. As opposed to being impulsive, patience can be peace inducing.  It’s never easy to feel content about anything in life – not just relationships. With patience comes understanding. Patience facilities the process of understanding one’s partner.  With understanding comes the identification of their needs – battle half won.

We somehow have conditioned ourselves to constantly judge others –  our near and dear ones included. That takes away the essence of any close relationship. Instead of judging, being receptive to the needs of your partner can help get rid of any negativity. Since Judgement forms the basis of contempt and criticism it’s imperative to have an open mind. Being non-judgmental requires a ‘clean-slate’ mind, free from any preconceived notions or thoughts. Here the ability to forgive and forget works wonders. Rather than holding a grudge against your partner about anything, forgiving and forgetting always help. Don’t let your memory become a bane instead of a boon.

So, With the right ingredient mix, how about proving you are a great cook? Happy cooking!!!

Today being Uttrayan, I can’t help comparing relationships to kites. Strong and sturdy relationships like kites go a long way.  Just as a good kite can sustain a string battle, so can relationships. They are never threatened by external factors. Right dimensions make a good kite and the same applies to relationships. There’s something about kites which makes them appear free spirited, bright and happy. Relationships need to be similar – gliding happily and effortlessly.

Efforts on part of both partners keep a relationship going. But if it requires constant efforts, its not worth it. Any budding relationship goes through teething troubles. But once that is sorted, intermittent fine tuning is enough for it to function smoothly.  Continuous hard work saps the energy levels of persons involved. Any bond which is mentally draining is a sign of toxicity. Couples generally take a few years to understand each other. But thereafter, if one still must be mindful of putting in energies for its survival, it certainly is a toxic one. Relationships are never easy. The point here is, working towards it continuously will not only corrode it but also corrode the couple and their wellbeing. I am neither encouraging passivity nor inviting complacence but only driving home the fact that right efforts at the right time to make a relationship right should be the order of the day.

The essence of Uttrayan is to be altruistic. If every couple imbibes being altruistic – well, not in its literal sense, but by being overtly generous, this generosity can help them scale great heights together. By putting the partner first, one can be generous. By forgiving one’s partner one can be generous. By adjusting and compromising sometimes, one can be generous. By merely ‘letting go’ one can be generous. Pinning down one’s ego, being large hearted, accepting one’s partner as is and being empathetic are all deeds of generosity. Generosity is a subset of kindness. Being kind never hurts. Practising kindness in all walks of life can be life changing. Any relationship can blossom on the basis of kindness and generosity even with other elements missing.

I earnestly hope you make your relationship as lovely as this festival today. While you soar high with free spirit, kindness and generosity, let the bad elements exploiting your relationship go fly a kite too. Happy Makar Sankranti!!