Monthly Archives: September 2017

A general observation on individuals who show streaks or scads of possessiveness reflect their state of minds. These are normally the people who have no confidence in themselves and hence need to hold on to their partners. Possessiveness is never a standalone trait. It comes with its baggage of jealousy, suspiciousness and a lot more.

When one of the partners is possessive, the relationship can become extremely stifling. But seldom do such individuals realize that they are spelling doom for their relationship. They think it’s a form of their love – totally a false perception. Partners of such people get fed up being constantly under the surveillance. Possessiveness often manifests in taunts and barbs about any action or behaviour on the part of their partner which is different from the usual. Little do they know that it’s a relationship killer. One can never keep a person bound in any way.

And as per the statistics of people indulging in extra marital romps, individuals with possessive partners are more likely to stray. This is an irony because the same individuals are under scrutiny all the time and despite that, they manage to indulge in affairs. Apparently, getting involved outside their marriage is basically to find a release for their pent up and repressed feelings. Instead of getting into affairs, why can’t people check their partner’s behaviour that’s becoming nerve wracking and stifling beyond the pale? Staying in a relationship which is suffocating can be bad not just for one but both. This needs to be communicated strongly.

I was seeing a couple where the husband was so possessive that his possessiveness had reached pathological levels. He would watch every move of his wife and wouldn’t leave her alone most of the times. Its was so severe that he himself started experiencing the stress, he was subjecting his wife to, thanks to all his energy depleting only from all his efforts towards focussing only on her. There can be a lot of underlying issues here which lead to these kinds of negative traits. But people need to realize that being possessive or jealous never ever helps. On the contrary it puts off one’s partner to such an extent that either the relationship gets embroiled with conflicts and distress or it may simply become dead. Human beings always get immune to any kind of repetitive behavioural pattern –  possessive or otherwise. Possess some mental strength to let go of your possessiveness or you will be possessed!!

According to the latest research news, scientists are in the process of developing a ‘love pill’. This magical pill can help you fall in or out of love. It is believed to help one deal with a heartbreak. It will produce effects similar to the chemical reactions which take place in the brain when in love and works accordingly.

Exciting? Falling and being in love is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. Not everyone falls in love all the time and so the very prospect of falling in love can be so exhilarating. Needless to say, it sounds so alluring that the newly developed drug would be hailed with open arms.

Looking at a larger picture, do you really think this would work? I am not questioning the functionality of the afore mentioned drug. What I am coming to is, can such induced love last? The closest analogy I can think of is induced sleep. We may get excellent sleep after popping a sleeping pill. But can such sleep last beyond a few hours? This kind of sleep can’t be compared with sound natural sleep. When struggling with sleep, one needs to pop a pill every night to get good sleep. Its effects are very temporary and can be habit forming, apart from the other side effects it carries.  If taken regularly, one may become so dependent that may never be able to sleep without it. Similarly, I do not know the composition of this new love pill on the anvil, but am very much against anything which is challenged by nature.

Falling in love is something so surreal, so beautiful. It happens naturally with someone you share a wonderful chemistry with. But with a love pill, you can control falling in love. It would be something deliberate. Almost a forced decision to act in a certain way. Forced feelings – defying one’s natural instincts.

Again, it is also supposed to mend a heartbreak. Now, as much as falling in love is beautiful, so is nursing a broken heart. The healing takes time, but during this time, one grows as a person. It involves rumination which leads to a lot of self-discovery. An enriching experience always taken otherwise. Some time on your own, without the presence of someone else is extremely liberating and conducive to one’s mental growth and health. It benefits the future relationships too. You come out a different person when healed.

Pop a pill when you fall ill. But to pop a pill to mend your ‘dil’ would certainly be a kill.

I get intrigued on so many counts by couples in distress. Whatever the reasons for their differences, so many times I have seen one partner fearing the other. I wonder, how can a relationship succeed or survive if one fears one’s partner or spouse?  A big indicator of something terribly amiss – either within the person scared or the relationship. One cannot control one’s partner, who knowingly or unknowingly may be wielding the sword of control, but can certainly have a grip on one’s self.

First and foremost, one needs to find out the reasons for this fear. Is the partner dominating? If yes, why is that permitted? Dominance can be exercised from both ends. If not from one side, why from the other? At times, it is out of insecurities. Threatened relationship, inadequacies, lack of self-esteem and many more can feed such insecurities. Also, one may inherently be mild, in terms of dealing with people or situations due to childhood and growing up experiences. Circumstantial factors too contribute towards instilling fear. Whatever the reasons, no relationship is worth the fear.

What one allows, continues. One must develop the mental strength to cope with any eventualities in life. Marriage is a lifelong bond. Why live with constant fear?

The wife in a couple I was seeing was always unreasonable. She wanted to have her way and say in everything, no matter what. She was a ‘stay at home’ mom. Her husband a working professional always gave in to maintain peace. What started off as a peace maintaining mechanism snowballed into the husband becoming more and more subservient at home. He started fearing her about everything – her taunts, wearing a long face when he returned from work or he feared the worst – frustration being taken out on their daughter. Took him a long time to realize that he was putting up with things he didn’t agree with principally or otherwise. When the pot of tolerance starts brimming, it finally spills. One morning the wife threatened to leave. The husband very calmly asked her to go. The wife was shocked. She never expected such a response from him. Since it was just a threat, she didn’t leave. But since that day, she started curtailing her unreasonable behaviour.

Never fear your partner. But if you feel the fear is creeping in, do some plain talking about what would be acceptable and what won’t be – with yourself and your partner, right from the beginning. There should be no place for fear or it can cast a shadow of irreparable damage on your relationship. Scary?

In my experience as a relationship therapist, I have come across some repetitive behavioural patterns that lead to distress in relationships, particularly marriages. A quick look at them would help my readers to be vigilant about not repeating these in their relationships.

I will start with the ‘partner first’ approach. Many times, unknowingly, you may not take your partner for granted but give him/her the 2^nd, 3^rd or 4^th place instead of the much deserved 1^st. This can become a problem. You may be giving priority to anybody/thing but your partner – may be to yourself, your passions or interests like a sport or hobby, extreme attachment with your parents or even friends for that matter, over your spouse. If the priorities are not right, there is no point in being in a relationship. Might as well enjoy the rest. Why get hitched?

Secondly, don’t wait to repair your relationship. A stitch in time saves nine. Conflicts are inevitable. The mistake most couples make it to adopt either a very aggressive or passive approach when it comes to resolving conflicts. This would not only breed resentment and contempt but increase the distance between a couple.  Conflict should be dealt in a way which increases the closeness. How can one increase the closeness especially after a conflict? Surprisingly, this would be the easiest way to grow close to your partner.  Dealing with a conflict with maturity and moderation by being mindful of the situation   is the key here. Instead of approaching it with extremes, discussing the differences calmly yet openly can always help.

It is very important to know who you are. Most couples in relationships have forgotten themselves by either becoming what their partner wants them to become or losing their individuality by continuously pleasing the partner. By not being yourself or by not being true to yourself, you are not being true to your relationship. When you start being yourself, you shed that extra weight of being someone else. See your relationship bloom when you fill it with your own of essence of who you really are.

Understanding your roles as a couple also helps a great deal. Most couples struggle to figure this. Men and women are wired differently. So their roles would also differ. For example women are designed to be more emotional in terms of expressing their needs. If men don’t realize that, there would be a disconnect. Similarly, men are designed to deal with their issues differently. Women need to learn how to communicate at such times. Seeing husbands withdraw get wives’ minds running wild. Onset   of a transactional relationship – “if he/she did or not did this, I will/won’t either.” So, if one knows the differences in the way men and women operate, the roles can be defined better and lead to a wonderful relationship.

Like all individuals, all couples are unique. They are driven very differently and function as per their own value system and childhood experiences. Hence becomes imperative to factor in these factors. Never underestimate its importance –  whether in math or marriage.