18 Jan

Myths you can ditch when you get hitched…

Myths and misconceptions can ruin a beautiful relationship. Clichéd thinking in terms of certain specific patterns, which dictate behavioural and emotional responses, can create unnecessary relationship distress. There are quite a few delusions we all have as human beings, especially about the way we function in a marriage or a relationship. These could be attributed to some past experiences, mere hearsay or maybe a result of our conditioned thinking. Whatever be the responsible factors, it does lead to some distorted thinking, which in turn hampers a wonderful relationship otherwise. While to list down all would be a difficult proposition, summarizing a few basic ones is feasible. Hope the logic behind these would help you stop believing in these misconstructions and witness your relationship go through a phenomenal change.

First and foremost, the belief that just because you are in love, in a relationship, living-in or married doesn’t mean you do everything together.  The sole reason to intimately get together with another person is to live a life together. But that doesn’t mean you forget yourself as an individual in the process. Hanging out with other friends or even indulging in some ‘me-time’ would do more good than harm. We as human-beings learn and imbibe so much by interacting with other people. When that is stopped and the partner becomes the only focus, the horizon gets narrowed due to limited exposure. It can be stifling to breathe down each other’s neck all the time.

Another myth which drives most couples to some disturbance at some point in their relationship is that sex should happen regularly and frequently. Of course, a healthy sex life is very essential for your relationship, but not at the cost of stressing yourself out. There can be constrains – physical and mental sometimes. Sweating over it would only frustrate you more. When such stressors are at play, the best thing to do would be to schedule a sex date.

Children come first is the biggest myth most couples, especially mothers believe in and act accordingly. It is very normal to prioritize your kids when they are infants and toddlers. Its natural to be not able to give as much time or attention to one’s spouse. But at least taking out some time to just be with him/her can do wonders to your relationship. Maybe watching some movie or television programme together when the baby is asleep or just indulging in a silly conversation with each other, reminiscing your days prior to the baby’s arrival would be so good. Make the most of the situation when it becomes inevitable to be homebound because of the baby.  One of the reasons most couples drift apart on becoming parents is that they have failed to remain connected in that critical phase.

Last but not the least, never go to bed angry doesn’t always work. Sometimes prudence lies in not making up immediately after an argument. Sleeping over something can help you get a better perspective on the issue. It gives you time to mull over it. Getting some space after a conflict is recommended.  Most of the times, the topic over which the argument happens is trivial. Ignoring it and going to sleep is another best formula to forget about it the next morning. Talking about it by trying to make up instantly can only add fuel to the fire. After all next day is another day.

Unfold the myth to unfold the magic your relationship holds!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11 Jan

Action for increased interaction and attraction

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a quick fix formula for an ailing relationship, especially for a marriage? Well, as much as there isn’t any specific method to tackle a marital problem, there is certainly something to mend a distressed relationship. The premise of any break up is based on the inability to take the right action at the right time. Trouble in marital paradise is a universal given. No marriage is conflict proof. No couple is insulated from the issues which crop up between them.  Right from the time a couple is in a relationship, if conscious efforts are made to take relevant actions, it can last and how!!

The biggest mistake most couples make is they forget that they must ‘do something’ to keep the relationship alive.  By ‘to do something’ I mean action. The initial euphoria is so strong that it over shadows everything else around at that point. So, there isn’t much done. With time, it takes on the mundane path and if no specific action is taken as and when required, a relationship will die its natural death. The only mental action taken then is to compare the relationship to the initial surreal phase. In retrospect, when the present doesn’t seem as beautiful, and when it fails to ignite similar feelings, frustration takes over. Anxiety and insecurities go up.

The next logical question would of course be, what, when and how to take the necessary actions? This involves a three-step approach. The first and foremost action would be to recognize the significance of one’s relationship and giving it the highest priority. Here the action requires one to appreciate and value the partner and the relationship.

The next step would be to understand the basis of a relationship. Does it rest on a strong foundation to survive? If not, the focus should be on strengthening the foundation on which the relationship precariously rests. Increased interaction and communication, shared activities et al. would help strengthen the foundation. This in turn would lead to rebuilding the relationship which would help couples reconnect emotionally and physically. I was seeing a couple on the verge of splitting. According to them, despite having a normal marriage, they felt something was missing. When they couldn’t point their finger on what it was, they decided to end it, but wanted to give it one last try through therapy. Didn’t take too long to figure their marriage lacked the most essential ingredient – emotional connect. Lack of it led to a lot of resentment piled up between them and subsequently that was taking a toll on their marriage.

Since the objective of any relationship is to heal the ongoing disputes and distress, it becomes very important to be aware of each other’s pattern and nature of communication. This is the third action plan to iron out the differences. The key here lies in translating what is being communicated. It’s usually the interpretation, rather the misinterpretation which spells trouble. Gender differences very often make it difficult to perceive what is being communicated. The misperceived communication hampers the process of attraction which glues a couple together. It kills the passion. Since men and women are wired differently, it becomes imperative to clarify if what is understood, actually in sync with what is conveyed.

A wife always felt her husband was never happy about her shopping indulgences. This feeling was based on what the husband had communicated. It turned out that the husband was never unhappy about her spendings, he only missed her being away from home when he returned from work. He felt the wife was not interested in him and she felt he disapproved her splurging. Such misunderstandings can be dangerous. Hence prudence lies in doing the needful – in this case clarifying the voiced dislike.

Action is required not just to help one get out of a problem but to help prevent problems in the first place. It’s time for some action!!!

09 Jan

Changing trends of matrimony

“Till death do us part”, once considered so solemn, is losing its essence with time. Sacrosanct wedding vows unfortunately do not have a profound impact on a lasting bond. Sanctity of marriage is fading. The latest in the United Kingdom is the concept of a wedding contract. Depending on the term of the contract, in case a marriage needs to be terminated, It facilitates a smooth separation and divorce. And if the couple is happy at the end of the stipulated period, they can renew the contract. I can’t but help comparing it to a work contract. If the employer and the employee are satisfied with each other, the contract is renewed or else they part ways. Ironical yet surprisingly realistic – befitting the times of today.

At the outset, this concept appears negative. The initial response to such an arrangement would be of disgruntle and contempt. May sound horrifying too. It would  raise many an eyebrow. Why start a relationship on a negative note? Why presume it won’t work out?  But delving deep into it reveals that it’s not as bad. Given the changing times of today, this is a very practical approach to matrimony. It would help couples work hard towards making it work – if they are happy with each other. The scope to take each other for granted reduces to quite an extent. In this kind of a setup, there is a different kind of motivation to strive towards making it a success.

A marriage contract claims to protect the interest of both the partners. If things don’t go as expected, they can call it quits and their individual interests are thereby safeguarded.  It rests on the principle of ‘hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.’ A little too modern for our culture, but given the ever-increasing number of divorces in the west, it certainly is a good step towards maintaining a distress free split. Especially when children are involved this can help a couple remain amicable post divorce. An extremely essential condition for the wellbeing of children involved – scars that a broken home can leave on children should never be underestimated. Divorce is a long-drawn process in our country. People in dead or bitter marriages continue to stay in it only because opting out takes years. People end up wasting precious years of their life waiting for one legal stamp of termination. Of course, this is done to deter people from taking the extreme step. It does discourage couples to a large extent. But with some marriages, breakup is inevitable when it is irreparable. A contract or an agreement would certainly help.

No relationship, especially a sacred matrimonial association should ever break. Should always be for keeps. It’s no rocket science to remain married but an art for sure. With the right attitude, open mindedness, determination and commitment, a beautiful and lasting tie can be created. After all ‘till death do us part should never be replaced by till divorce do us part…’