Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a quick fix formula for an ailing relationship, especially for a marriage? Well, as much as there isn’t any specific method to tackle a marital problem, there is certainly something to mend a distressed relationship. The premise of any break up is based on the inability to take the right action at the right time. Trouble in marital paradise is a universal given. No marriage is conflict proof. No couple is insulated from the issues which crop up between them. Right from the time a couple is in a relationship, if conscious efforts are made to take relevant actions, it can last and how!!
The biggest mistake most couples make is they forget that they must ‘do something’ to keep the relationship alive. By ‘to do something’ I mean action. The initial euphoria is so strong that it over shadows everything else around at that point. So, there isn’t much done. With time, it takes on the mundane path and if no specific action is taken as and when required, a relationship will die its natural death. The only mental action taken then is to compare the relationship to the initial surreal phase. In retrospect, when the present doesn’t seem as beautiful, and when it fails to ignite similar feelings, frustration takes over. Anxiety and insecurities go up.
The next logical question would of course be, what, when and how to take the necessary actions? This involves a three-step approach. The first and foremost action would be to recognize the significance of one’s relationship and giving it the highest priority. Here the action requires one to appreciate and value the partner and the relationship.
The next step would be to understand the basis of a relationship. Does it rest on a strong foundation to survive? If not, the focus should be on strengthening the foundation on which the relationship precariously rests. Increased interaction and communication, shared activities et al. would help strengthen the foundation. This in turn would lead to rebuilding the relationship which would help couples reconnect emotionally and physically. I was seeing a couple on the verge of splitting. According to them, despite having a normal marriage, they felt something was missing. When they couldn’t point their finger on what it was, they decided to end it, but wanted to give it one last try through therapy. Didn’t take too long to figure their marriage lacked the most essential ingredient – emotional connect. Lack of it led to a lot of resentment piled up between them and subsequently that was taking a toll on their marriage.
Since the objective of any relationship is to heal the ongoing disputes and distress, it becomes very important to be aware of each other’s pattern and nature of communication. This is the third action plan to iron out the differences. The key here lies in translating what is being communicated. It’s usually the interpretation, rather the misinterpretation which spells trouble. Gender differences very often make it difficult to perceive what is being communicated. The misperceived communication hampers the process of attraction which glues a couple together. It kills the passion. Since men and women are wired differently, it becomes imperative to clarify if what is understood, actually in sync with what is conveyed.
A wife always felt her husband was never happy about her shopping indulgences. This feeling was based on what the husband had communicated. It turned out that the husband was never unhappy about her spendings, he only missed her being away from home when he returned from work. He felt the wife was not interested in him and she felt he disapproved her splurging. Such misunderstandings can be dangerous. Hence prudence lies in doing the needful – in this case clarifying the voiced dislike.
Action is required not just to help one get out of a problem but to help prevent problems in the first place. It’s time for some action!!!