Monthly Archives: October 2016

Based on certain patterns that are observed in couples going through distress, here’s a low down on a few relationship tips that can never go wrong if followed to a T.

• Taking for granted – Clichéd as it may sound, never take your partner for granted. As the relationship grows old, this becomes a given, not always deliberately but sometimes inadvertently. Feeling secure in a relationship is another reason which breeds this attitude. Please make a conscious effort to not take each other for granted and see how beautiful your relationship remains. Couples not only take each other for granted but end up taking themselves for granted too. In the process, they end up ignoring their own wellbeing. The drive to look and feel nice, fit and healthy gets diluted with time. Never stop focusing on yourself.
• Remember ‘why’ you are in it – You would have your reasons – valid indeed, to be in it and make sure to remember it to value the relationship and your partner.
• Boost your self-confidence – A relationship can soar or deplete your confidence levels, depending on how you feel about it. So, chin up and smile! And always steer clear of someone who make you feel low or inferior.
• Be true to yourself – It’s not enough to be true to your companion by being truthful. You need to be true to yourself as well. Only then will you be able to stay happy and contented.
• Give space and take space – Women tend to do this more than men when it comes to doing everything together. But the bitter reality is, even the most intimate of couples need their time to themselves. Such time alone can give the relationship a much-required boost by making the time together much more precious.
• Never ever compare – Comparing your partner to anybody is a big NO – neither with your ex nor with anyone else.
• Throw jealousy out of the window – Possessiveness and jealousies are natural human traits, but how you deal with them is what matters. At the outset, it could be only jealousy, but this could be the result of some underlying factors. With jealousy comes insecurities. Insecurities can wreak havoc with your mind and weaken your immune system. Many jealous and suspicious couples try to spy on each other through various means. This can hamper a relationship permanently. Trusting your partner and having faith in each other is the best way to respect your partner and the relationship.
• Melodrama is a big turn off – If you see your partner indulging in it, nip it in the bud from day one.
• Never keep score – Don’t try to be a referee. Relationships are always about give and take. But never try to maintain a balance sheet to keep a score of what you did vis a vis your partner’s deeds.
• Always be mindful of timing – As a couple, there would always be issues to be discussed. But there’s a time and place to do it. Sensitive issues should be discussed in a stress-free zone, when both partners are relaxed. But never make the mistake of not talking it out, fearing a negative outburst or outcome.
• Never try to changes your partner or yourself – this is the most common mistake made by most of the people. While shortcomings should be worked upon, don’t try to change only to wield control.

Are you struggling with your emotions around your man and feel as if you are oscillating between two extremes of expressing too much or too little? Do you think you are extra sensitive with him compared to your relaxed, easy going and happy disposition towards other men you aren’t involved with? Well, the answer is, you are supposed to feel things deeply! You are a woman! You ought to feel sensitive about the man you love. And that’s exactly the reason your words or actions wouldn’t weave the same chords or notes of emotions with others around you, except for him.

The problem here is not being over sensitive, but not being able to express your sensitivity prudently, so that you don’t come across as someone either cold and indifferent and blame him for doing everything wrong or as someone really needy and clingy. Both unwarranted! It’s like being ‘caught between the devil and the deep blue sea’. If you express, you may be perceived as being too dependent and if you don’t you may come about as being uncaring.

The irony of being attracted to a man, at the same time either obsessing over him or not showing you actually care, can be very frustrating. The frustration could be the result of some deep seated insecurity. Insecurities always show up when stakes seem high in a relationship. And these are the times when the feeling of being at a man’s mercy or whims and fancies reaches its peak, creating internal conflicts. As much as you feel either insecure or controlled by him, its actually your own thought process which leads to this quagmire of insecurity and uncertainty. Do you think it is restraining you from expressing uninhibitedly?

The best thing to do in these situations is to make peace with yourself first. This can happen when you think through before saying or doing something – especially when discussing sensitive issues or trying to resolve a conflict. That will give you that sure shot footing to analyse your act or thoughts. Essentially, it should sound reasonable and not too explaining or convincing. It shouldn’t take the form of disgruntle or contempt either. Always discussing in person and using the right words like “I feel” instead of “you”, help. Practising this approach regularly will certainly help you think clearly and non-judgementally about the situation you are in with him. The way you feel the at the end of expressing yourself and embracing your emotions will make all the difference.  Things can completely turnaround by fixing your faulty defence mechanism leading to unnecessary assumptions.

Nothing can be as wonderful as being yourself in a relationship – the way you are with other men you don’t have feelings for or with your girlfriends.  Then why not with your man? Men always like women who are real. The trick lies in expressing instinctively and finding out what works for you to connect at that deep emotional level. Too bad no real emoticons to support our emotions in real life… J J

In continuation to my last week’s article on Emotional Intelligence (EI), I would like to share some more insight into human emotions. When I read about the latest concept of people hiring relatives or friends for hosting weddings, parties etc., for want of friends or relatives, to showcase their social circle, my first reaction to a very innovative business venture was – why does one need to pay or buy such a service? Why do some people find it so difficult to make friends and nurture friendships? Agreed, one cannot choose one’s relatives, but one can definitely have close ties with the ones we are bestowed with.

Another latest concept picking up is cuddle parties. Weird as it may sound, it is mushrooming in the west. People pay for cuddles to strangers. Again makes me think what kind of a world we are living in? We live in a so called modern world where more and more people interact through screens – small and large, where typed messages become easier than meeting and conversing with a person of flesh and blood, unfortunately sad but true. I am afraid a time will come when paying for emotional and physical connect may seem as common as paying for therapy.

Clichéd as it may sound, EI plays a vital role in our disposition towards making friends. Well, befriending someone is just step one. To make a friendship last, one needs to have all the core characteristics of EI, viz. self-awareness – one needs to be conscious of one’s emotions at all times, especially when interacting with people. Self-regulation is another characteristic, the ability to manage one’s emotions under pressure. All close relationships go through ups and downs. People with strong EI would be able to differentiate between the external and internal factors – within or in the person causing the upset and thereby dealing with it. Motivation is equally important. Here the art lies in converting a negative behaviour or a situation into a positive one. Positivity plays a big role in EI. Getting rid of negativity is an art, if mastered can really help one cope with any eventuality in life. Social skills help us in our interpersonal interactions by helping us communicate effectively. Last but not the least, empathy – the capacity to understand other’s emotions and respond to them sympathetically helps. It’s like an elixir for any relationship malfunction. People who can empathize, who can put themselves into others’ shoes and feel their emotions are always at an advantage.

Human beings are designed to be social. We aren’t called social animals for nothing. Virtual connect can facilitate a strong connection to a point. It can also help one form a new connection and bond. But no relationship can last if it doesn’t have a physical contact – not literally but being physically with the people who matter.

If the above stated characteristics are imbibed and a deliberate effort is made to use these in our day to day interpersonal dealings, making new friends and maintaining relationships would no longer be challenging.

By bringing the EI core to the fore, I hope we eliminate our need to connect only virtually and be with our loved ones more…

The ability to identify, manage and communicate one’s emotions at the same time being able to respond appropriately to the emotions of others is defined as Emotional Intelligence (EI). Emotional Quotient (EQ) or EI as it is popularly known, was always underestimated compared to the Intelligence Quotient (IQ). IQ is the measure of baseline intellect.

Students were and are still made to believe that academic achievements determine success in life. It is the key to a bright future. While good grades and a high IQ never hurt, they don’t guarantee prosperity and happiness in life. Psychologists have come to a conclusion that IQ accounts for only 10-25% of success. A better predictor of success is EQ. Research on Harvard pass outs showed that men with the highest scores were not as successful as their lower scoring peers in terms of their professional and personal satisfaction and happiness.

People with emotional intelligence are at an advantage in any domain of life – family, friendships, career or intimate relationships. These people are believed to be more content in life. They know how to deal with their emotions and of those around them.

Empathy is a very important part of EQ. It is the capacity to know how others feel and to sympathetically respond to them. Emotions are seldom conveyed through words. They are rather expressed through other channels like the tone of one’s voice, gestures and facial expressions. The art lies in interpreting these cues to understand the feelings of the other person. People adept at doing this have high EQ.

I know a gentleman; his empathetic feelings go back to his childhood. A classic example of how it manifests at a tender age. He was travelling with his father in a cycle rickshaw on a summer afternoon. After reaching their destination, the cycle rickshaw driver asked for an x amount. The father of this boy, a well off professional started haggling and insisted the driver was asking an unreasonable amount. The boy still remembers how he felt so bad for the driver. He thought the driver deserved every bit of the small amount that he was asking. After all he was putting in so much physical labour. He said, if he had the money that time, he would have just shelled out and given him. And till date this gentleman continues to be as empathetic as he was as a young boy. Speaks a lot about emotional intelligence and how it develops from childhood.

This small gesture bespeaks of an emotional skill – empathy, essential for the preservation of close relationships like marriage, friendship or a business deal. It develops in infants virtually from the time they are born. They get distressed on hearing other babies cry.

One can enhance one’s emotional intelligence at any time. But just as one needs to practice to excel at something, one has to work hard towards working on poor emotional patterns. It’s never too late to work on your emotions and develop a balanced emotional state. Emotional intelligence is an ongoing process. And we should all strive to consciously work towards attaining it. The art lies in being aware of one’s emotions, how to manage them under pressure, how to be motivated to change negative ones into positive ones and to be empathetic to others and understand them.

IQ is inborn but EQ can be cultivated…

Incompatibility is cited as the most common factor responsible for a relationship distress or breakup. Couples simply claim to be incompatible when it comes to any relationship malfunction. It is very easy to blame it on this very noun, but is the problem actually a result of incompatibility or an outcome of something else, is always difficult to gauge. Compatibility encompasses a wide range of feelings and characteristics, absolutely necessary for a healthy, happy and meaningful relationship. These range from like-mindedness, empathy, friendship, intelligence quotient, rapport, respect etc. Because of the multitude of these characteristics, many a time, some other factors are misinterpreted as incompatibility. Many couples feel they are incompatible, only to learn their past created a pattern that was structured to protect them at that point without being aware that the same pattern was the perpetrator of what the couple now perceived as an incompatible relationship. The issue here is not incompatibility, but past acting on the present. Similarly, there can many such external factors, not always responsible for incompatibility between couples.

Are you one of those who feels your compatibility is under question? Are you worried about your future as a result of the same? Along with its multiple attributes, incompatibility comes in various forms and can be very challenging to a couple equation. Here are but a few pointers which could help you understand your compatibility quotient better:

• Life goals – purpose of life, mission, ambition, e.g. parenting style and geographical preferences
• Life philosophies – core values, beliefs and needs
• Sexual alignment – attraction, frequency, openness and adventure
• Relationship dynamics – expectations vs reality
• Experience vs outlook – experience based future projections
• Intelligence quotient – major differences in intellect baseline
• Emotional quotient – childhood and past experiences, inherent nature to deal with emotions of others as well as oneself.

A couple is never expected to be on the same page with each other from day one, as far as these pointers are concerned. Two individuals enter a relationship with different sets of ideologies, thoughts and principles. Hence the differences are always challenging to be settled. But gradually they need to be worked upon and reduced if not removed completely. Stark differences in these indicators can be a sign of red flagged relationship. Incompatibility at work!!

A relationship goes through a cyclical pattern of association, interaction, attraction, familiarization and adaptation. The last two phases are always dicey as far as maintaining healthy compatibility is concerned. These are also the best times to test the waters of your relationship compatibility. There comes a stage in a relationship, where because of unresolved conflicts, one or both partners feel the need to protect themselves from the other. If the couple’s equation is incompatible, it will take the form of defensiveness, withdrawal, contempt or criticism. Compatible couples will have no problems to weather a rocky relationship phase.

Most of the couples are never prepared to face the turmoil when things go wrong.  The sad part is, most of them don’t even realise the need of developing a relationship success model. Theoretical as it may sound, basic skills like trust, understanding, clarity, care, needs, intent et al. enveloped in a model can help deal with almost all kinds of compatibility issues. Prudence lies in being astute about your relationship instead of turning a blind eye to the negatives. ‘What counts in making a happy relationship is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility’. After all, relationship compatibility can be a liability…