Monthly Archives: August 2019
Distorted thinking can distort your marriage
Love is blind, and marriage is an eye opener is relevant to those who haven’t known their partners well before getting married. And when I say not known them “well”, I mean really well, with warts and all and for enough time. Tying the knot after briefly knowing one’s partner is bound to lead to disillusionment. Disillusionment and distress go hand in hand in relationships.
Most people feel any relationship should culminate into a marriage. Culmination is a kind of closure and why would one want anything to end? Not to say, one shouldn’t get married. But a marriage certainly doesn’t mean the culmination of happiness and the beginning of challenges. It’s this attitude and not the marriage which breeds boredom and nonchalance in a relationship.
The outlook towards a marriage needs a major shift. Every couple needs to refurbish their relationship fundamentals. Primarily, feeling a marriage is the end of romance is a fallacy. To keep that attraction and longing going, one shouldn’t have too much of each other. Enough space should be taken and given, limiting the scope to take each other for granted. Secondly, the mentality to exercise a right over each other should be exorcised. Just because one is married, doesn’t mean one can get away with murder or expect the moon. Instead of looking at marriage as a license to get away with anything and everything, one should focus on the relationship dynamics and whether the equation shared before continues.
Duties and responsibilities mar every relationship but if they are shared and worked out, life becomes easier and don’t hamper a beautiful relationship otherwise. For example, if one partner is working and slogging it out, the other partner should be understanding enough and manage the rest of the show. And when the show is managed well, the working partner shouldn’t feel just because their partner is home, he/she is having it easy for its never easy.
Last but not the least, every individual should continue to look happy and attractive. Putting on weight, losing interest and becoming complacent is directly proportional to an unhappy and a compromised relationship.
A happier, satisfying and stimulating marriage only needs a swing in your thinking. The right thinking will lead to the right behaviour. Do you think you can change it? I think you can.
Condition yourself to become condition free
“If you study hard, you will be rewarded” or “if you get full marks, you will get that bike”. If you don’t come back home in time, you will not be allowed to go out again” or if you talk to that friend, we won’t speak to you.” A very common household scenario. When children are brought up in an environment where conditions have played an important and frequent part, they continue the trend of using conditions in their relationships later on. How many times have we seen a husband or a wife wearing a long face, withdrawing, being radio silent to showcase their resentment? It’s almost a warning that such situations would always warrant such a behaviour from them. It may sound childish to the partner who is being subjected to such a behaviour. But can’t blame them to not understand their spouse’s childhood experiences have led to this kind of conditioning – always trying to prove a point through conditional ‘give and take.’
A relationship marked by frequent conditions can never blossom. Whether it’s a relationship between a husband and a wife or a child and parents, the moment conditions come in, it can be distressful. Two things can happen in families plagued by conditions all the time – either the child or the spouse gets so affected that they end up fearing the person putting conditions or it can escalate into further problems, when a person refuses to be controlled by conditions. He or she may start rebelling and in the process the family peace is disrupted.
People are wrong when they feel that conditions make relationships disciplined and thus more satisfying. Conditions and relationship satisfaction are inversely proportional to each other. More conditions mean the relationship is less satisfying. Conditions can strangle the growth of relationships.
Conditional relationships are always transitory in nature. They don’t last and even if they do, it’s certainly not real. One should be able to accept and appreciate someone – warts and all. Grades, education, jobs or status should never tilt the scales of relationships.
Real relationships are never dictated by conditions put by someone or by the conditions marking the ups and downs of life. Please make sure you create the right conditions to nurture a relationship free of conditions – the only conditioner being your air or hair conditioner.
What matters is both of you are together
So many couples come to me distressed – not because they have a problem with each other but because they have problems with their in-laws. Given the patriarchal society we live in, its generally, the wife who bears the brunt of her in-laws. Our culture encourages a marriage between two families and not two individuals. While it sounds a beautiful communion, it seldom remains beautiful. Unfortunately, the same family members spoil it for their married children.
One of my recent clients came to me very upset about her mother in law. She thought she was awful, manipulative, selfish and inept at communicating. According to her the mother in law always made attempts to pit her husband against her. Her husband on the other hand was aware of his mother’s tactics but let her get away every time since she was his mother. Things reached a stage with her husband that any conversation centred around her mother in law escalated into a fight and fights into epic battles.
It can be awfully stressful for any woman to go through such emotional difficulties. It can be equally stressing for any husband since he beautifully gets sandwiched between his wife and mother. How does he even the scales of two people so close and important? A daunting task indeed. However, if he knows his mother has a problem and is difficult to deal with, he must gently talk to his mother about breaking her patterns of behaviour. Also, she needs to know that though its affecting his equation with his wife, he’s not going to let that continue. The price he’s paying to put up with her problematic nature is too high. He should step back and let his mother rebuild his relationship with his wife. Better late than never.
When a husband intends to do so much, the wife should become calmer and appreciate her husband’s efforts. After all, it’s never easy for a son to go against his mother. He would always aspire for a happy ending and want things to work out between the two ladies. Regardless of whether the ending is happy or not, it’s the effort that counts.
Don’t let anyone come between your spouse and you. Disturbances will come and go but how you sail through such turbulences is what matters. Don’t let any matter batter your relationship. No matter what.