Monthly Archives: June 2019

Game of Thrones gained a lot of popularity. Marriage an equally popular institution has become a ‘Game of Blame’. Once married, its easy to blame one’s partner for anything and everything.

One of my latest clients came to me in a super grouchy mode. She had gained a lot of weight and blamed her husband for it. On asking if he force fed her with high calorific food, she of course denied but blamed him for throwing a lot of parties, socializing a lot and taking her on multiple holidays in a year – giving her opportunities to binge eat and drink. When he was blamed for the lifestyle he provided to her – the primary reason for her obesity, he was rather nonchalant. To add fuel to the fire, he even criticised her for her weight. It made her extra hyper and conscious. Here the lady loved her lifestyle but was been unable to balance it the way she should have with the right exercise and nutrition.

When a person doesn’t exercise self-control in terms of something that adversely affects him/her, one starts blaming one’s partner for it. If one gets into an extra-marital affair, its thanks to the spouse who lacks what the person involved with delivers. How convenient!! Even something as small as a headache is courtesy one’s spouse and the tension created by him/her. Not to mention, the spouse being blamed for feeling bored since he/she has different interests. Also, for some work not being accomplished it’s the spouse’s negativity at play. No one can beat that logic.

Why can’t people take responsibility for their own deeds? Tendency to blame is extremely toxic for any relationship. It leaves both the partners with a growing sense of anger and resentment. Being at the receiving end and being blamed perpetually can take a terrible toll on one’s mental wellbeing. That feeling of being used as a punching bag at the drop of a hat is akin to being emotionally abused.

Of course, everyone knows one’s circumstances the best, but when one is blamed all the time, one certainly needs to sit and wonder if things have gone beyond the pale and into the danger zone, signalling something is wide of the mark. After all, a movie may give you the “Licence to kill”, but a marriage certainly doesn’t give you the “licence to blame”.

A couple came to me with two different problems. The man was very possessive about his girlfriend and was always insecure about being dumped. He was well aware of his behaviour coming in the way of his relationship. She on the other hand was committed to him and the relationship. She loved him but of late, his behaviour was getting on to her. She admitted she had started getting attracted to guys who showcased a different set of behaviour – made her realize her ability to breathe freely. She couldn’t help comparing her man with other guys. His possessiveness had a cascading negative effect on other aspects of their equation. It was making her feel stifled. She needed help to deal with this attraction and tendencies which she hoped were temporary.

The man’s possessiveness and insecurities were a result of his childhood experiences which were more unpleasant rather than traumatic. The woman was aware of it and hence continued to be understanding. One sided understanding can never even the scales of a balanced relationship. She wanted to make the relationship work more out of pity for her boyfriend rather than the emotions she felt for him at the onset of the relationship. His behaviour was responsible for her falling out of love. She wanted it to work more out of concern towards him – what would happen to him if she left him?

Compassion and sympathy are undoubtedly good traits, but a commitment based on such traits is never good. The decision to stay can have a short-term benefit but from long-term point of view, it can work against the relationship.

A person who needs help with behaviour modification should have a supportive partner is an absolute no-brainer. But the partner of such a person should wait for him/her provided the person going through modification starts taking baby steps in the right direction. One can be patient only with some perceptible positive signs. There is a difference between supporting and dealing with one’s partner and his/her behavioural issues. When the support starts being taken for granted, dealing with the situation becomes taxing. Any relationship which takes a mental or physical toll on yourself is not worth it. Help your partner but in the process don’t forget to help yourself. If you are not happy you can never make your partner happy. Happy to help???!!!!!

Marriage is not about how much love you express to your spouse verbally by ranting “I l love you” mechanically or about what and how many gifts you give. It’s about the little goodness which goes a long way in nurturing relationships. However, you should have an eye to see it and value it.

Most couples lack the vision to see the little things, since these things can neither be said nor boxed, wrapped and gifted. In striving to focus on bigger aspects, smaller intricacies are missed, making a marriage ordinary.

In one of my recent therapy sessions, when I asked a wife to point out some goodness she perceived in her spouse recently, she mentioned when she and her husband were traveling home on different flights and despite having his share of baggage, her husband insisted on carrying her heavy hand baggage too. He didn’t want her to lug it around all the way home. She felt it was enough to feel loved.

 She couldn’t help sharing another experience of their holiday in Goa. She saw a cockroach in the bathroom. She was terribly scared and immediately called her husband to remove it. When her husband rushed to the bathroom, it had swiftly disappeared. The wife was terrified and refused to use the bathroom. Housekeeping came and checked every nook and corner of that space but couldn’t find it. At night after they went to bed, the wife woke up to use the loo and saw the cockroach again. She woke her husband up. He immediately killed the cockroach, disposed it off and went back to sleep. They were returning home the next morning and he was to go to work. But he still showed no resistance about being woken up. He could understand his wife’s katsaridaphobia. The wife was quite touched by the way her husband respected her phobia and cared for her. Before undergoing therapy, she used to overlook these small things and take him for granted. But now she realized how much he loved her in his own subtle way. This multiplied her love for him. Though tiny and trivial, such ordinary experiences give extraordinary meaning to life and relationships.

Everyone has a different way of giving and receiving love. Acknowledging what you get fuels the health of your relationship. If not in clothes, in relationships, ‘small’ is definitely all you need.