Monthly Archives: May 2018

Last week I briefly wrote about people’s tendency to compare their marriage with other marriages. There can be a world of difference between what you see, rather perceive and what exists. How easy it is to paint a rosy picture of your relationship, despite a contrasting reality, courtesy social media.

If this disposition to compare is difficult to control (according to me there is nothing which is beyond our control, if it’s something within us), why not change the yardstick of comparison – compare with something worse than your circumstance/problem/condition/situation? It could be your marriage, state of mind,  financial status et al. When disturbed by your own marriage with irritating yet negligible issues, if you see a couple heading for a divorce since they cannot see eye to eye and fight at the drop of a hat, you should be happy to be not in that space. You should be pleased that your marriage is not precariously perched on a shaky platform. Comparing your marriage with a marriage where husband and wife fight tooth and nail in front of their kids, get abusive verbally and physically, should put you at ease and peace about not being in that situation. Instead of giving the outside world or the social media the leverage to become the benchmarks of success, count your blessings by seeing the less fortunate ones around you. When we see people less privileged than us, it gives us a feeling of gratefulness, for not being that unfortunate. Someone will always be better looking, more qualified, vastly experienced, moneyed, mentally and physically fitter, in a better relationship, so on and so forth. Hence comparison is a futile exercise. But when you still compare with people more distraught than you, it’s a learning experience to thank your stars. You start valuing things you take for granted. Undergoing therapy with me was a couple where the husband was a culinary art expert. The wife never appreciated his art until her best friend married a man who couldn’t even break an egg when she was sick.

Not only in relationships, there are many people who are not as well off or not as mentally healthy as you are. When you feel some tinges of self-sympathy towards yourself, look at people who are struggling with bigger challenges than you. Value your life and make it rife with an attitude of gratitude.

Just like water finds its own level so does every relationship. The problem is people try to apply a generalized approach to their marriage, compare it with others and end up feeling miserable. By a generic application I mean following the ‘relationship gems’ blindly. For example, just because it is believed one should never go to bed angry, doesn’t mean you want to make up at any cost. At times sleeping over a problem and sorting the differences within, before sorting it with your partner the next day works better. When you try to quick fix a problem, it doesn’t get resolved at the root level and lingers. Again, it is believed when one partner is angry the other partner should remain quiet. This doesn’t mean the quiet partner silently suffers every time. It is very important to speak your mind because some partners get so used to your silence that the moment you speak up, they cannot take it and end up losing it. Certain situations require voicing your thoughts. So, see for yourself what suits you and your partner. ‘Gems’ are mere guidelines. How you implement them can be person and situation specific.
Another problem which many couples face is often the result of their own doing. They tend to compare their marriage with other marriages. Now, as I said earlier, each marriage is a unique union of two unique individuals. The equation shared by one can never be equated with another. The personal space a couple shares and lives in can never be reflected to the outside world. What you see in your social circle or the social media is all masked. The realities are different. Don’t go by what your friends or relatives tell you and what you see. Don’t compare. Period.
Create your exclusive space. Human beings are complex and bring all their complexities to the marriage. It’s never easy to function with your own and your partner’s intricacies flanking you. It’s about getting used to your partner with seldom fights when required. Instead of picking on your partner, if you develop the insight to see the good and not the bad, it’s not just good for your marriage or your partner but your own mental wellbeing – a priority that should top your table. After all no marriage is a fable hence needs to be stable.

A couple I met recently were on the road to divorce. They seemed pretty convinced about their decision to separate. Predominantly the wife. She told me she was done with her marriage. When I asked her, what made her attend this meeting if she had already made up her mind, she said her husband wanted her to come. The husband seemed listless and low on energy. The moment he told me he wanted the marriage to work, the wife vehemently opposed.  When I probed to find out the reason for the marriage to reach this level, I was told by the wife that his job was the most important thing to him and she didn’t feel loved. He was just not interested in her and kept away from her – emotionally and physically. The wife was depressed for quite a few years enduring all this but now she claimed she no longer was depressed and didn’t need him.  In contrast, the husband thought she was the one who was cold and unaffectionate.

Somehow, I felt the couple dynamic was not reflected realistically.  They indeed were in a horrible place with two children involved. I realized I had to work on this couple to empower both with two key understandings. First, to help them realize how they had disintegrated their marriage to this level and once the realization dawns how to learn not repeating the mistake. They both had lost their ability to be free with their own selves. They needed help at three levels – relationship with herself, relationship with himself and their dynamic. Many couples try to fix their marriages whilst struggling with themselves and their fears at the same time. Fearful people will only protect themselves which takes an awful toll on the marriage, while confident people will protect their marriage. These people have dealt with their own problems first before dealing with their marital woes.

Helping couples to see where they are going wrong is a key skill to master to help them save and protect their marriage. These skills are not natural, so they must be taught. Every couple is different and so is the solution offered to them. But the basis of any process revolves around a safe reconnection that lays the foundation for a passionate connection. Marriage is not a play of dice that you can slice – before you give up, think twice!!

Very often I have seen women complain to me that their husbands just wont listen to them and that they are emotionally unavailable. This can leave them feeling disconnected, resentful and lonely.  Since communication is an inherent part of every woman, it is a critical part of building the relationship. It helps her feel safe to love and be loved. When she feels a lack of connect with her man, she assumes that he doesn’t care enough. She feels hurt. This leads to a vicious cycle wherein she too tones down her communication to protect herself.

Men on the other hand have their reasons to not listen to their wives the way their wives expect. During therapy I have observed that women always share their pain and problem through a proper history and describe their emotional journey in detail. Men on the other hand share their journey through facts minus the emotions. So, does it mean they are devoid of emotions or their communication process is inherently different from women? The fact is men get used to not trusting her emotions because with experience he realizes they can change. A man tends to feel his wife doesn’t always say what she means. He feels she changes her mind frequently. She can say she likes things when he knows she doesn’t.  When given what she wants, she is not necessarily happy. Also, she can become emotional over trivial issues. She can get upset for no reason. She can express her hatred to him one day and then love him the next. And above all she can be controlling through an emotional roller coaster which can make men shut down. No offence to women programmed differently.

My message to all my readers is that since men and women communicate very differently in an intimate relationship, getting through an issue amicably or calmly can become challenging – they can continue going around in circles. Women may think they are crystal clear in conveying their thoughts, but men read their feelings differently.  Men think women never follow a solution centric model. For they are generally looking for solutions to fix their problems. Once they get a solution, they move on. So, next time you feel your partner is not listening, remember this difference to understand him/her better.  Hear and be heard – word to word.