Monthly Archives: June 2015

The title certainly makes one think of something edible which has a stipulated period of life to it. But here we are labelling shelf life to something intangible in our lives. Sad but true!

A young eligible bachelor was once asked the reason for remaining single. He was accused of being commitment phobic. His retort was something which raised quite a few eyebrows. He said how could he be sure of loving the same woman he did now, after a decade or may be more?  Time cannot control anything; people grow and change and so do their likes, feelings and emotions. While this may not go down too well with many people, the young gentleman’s honest response does make one reflect on how relationships can stand the test of time.

Can we restrict the above illustration to only one kind of relationship? What about blood relations? What about platonic friendships developed and nurtured over the long haul? Are they likely to have a shelf life too? Maybe, maybe not. One certainly cannot count one’s relationship with one’s parents or siblings as something temporary. People believing in ‘no permanent friends and no permanent enemies’ may partially agree with the transitory nature of friendships. Sounds synonymous to a time barred business contract – practicality, rationality and reality (minus the emotions) at their optimum best!! No guarantees here.

The irony of an intimate relationship is that it may be subject to an expiration date and unfortunately endorsed by many. The same relationship for which all other associations take a back seat regrettably expires. Ubiquitously this isn’t always the reality – neither with the older generations nor with the new. We come across so many people in our day to day lives who have been together for ages. Couples, including most of our international film and sport celebrities have long courtships, move in with their partners for years before committing themselves into a marriage. Why do such people continue their relationships? Don’t they get bored, seek variety or greener pastures? Well, no! They want it to work.

On the other hand, why do relationships become redundant with some people? Has it got to do with more choices available, dipping tolerance levels or humdrum and monotony which set in with time?

Everyone who believes in the philosophy of shelf life, must understand that every new formed relationship is going to be transient too. How long can one keep making new associations? Why not realize it’s going to be the same each time? Please learn from your experiences and realize relationship is not a thing which has a shelf life or an expiry date. (We are not talking about exceptions, where having a shelf life may actually prove beneficial under certain circumstances); otherwise, it’s too beautiful a part of our lives to be considered short-lived. It can remain intact with just a little bit of love, care and understanding. Please shelve your idea of a ‘relationship shelf life’…

A recent survey was conducted for adults to find out, if given a chance, would they want to regress to their adolescence period? An astonishing denouement concluded that majority of people were happy in their current phase and didn’t want to travel back in time to relive their adolescence.

Astounding as it may sound, this finding  simply proves how adolescence, a time seemingly full of fun and frolic is not considered the same by many. While adulthood is plagued with its own share of responsibilities and problems, carefree days of adolescence should ideally be tilting the scales in its favour. Why this distortion between the ideal and the actual?

Adolescence, a period between childhood and adulthood marks an important developmental phase in a child. It is a period of too many ‘firsts’. Independence is tasted for the first time as children become young adults. Hormonal and physiological changes highlight this phase. They almost take over the body. Simultaneous brain changes also affect their development.  It marks the beginning of the onset of maturity in these young adults. Relationships are formed at an intimate level. They get a flavour of romance. While closeness to peers increases manifold, parents are defied as never before.

This is an equally challenging phase for parents as well. Generation gap is at its optimum high.

Can this very difficult phase, as perceived by many, be turned into something memorable to cherish one’s entire life?

To start with, parents must realise that this is a period when they have to make a transition from being parents to friends. Half the battle is won if they adopt this attitude.

Due to various changes, mental and physical, adolescents tend to become sensitive about a lot of things.

Studies prove that sometimes depression manifested in adults has its roots in adolescence. Conforming to the norms of the society makes them frazzled. They feel offended adhering to the social standards, and start rebelling. This rebelliousness leads to disdain among parents to criticise their children and the vicious cycle continues. It is a ‘first’ for parents as well, and hence a learning curve. They should learn to give due independence to their children. Let mistakes and experiences become their teenagers’ biggest teachers. Parents should realize, gone are the days to control. Tact can wield much better control than authority.

A new bond should be formed to continue remaining close to these young adults. Talking and discussing with their wards to ward off any unwanted eventuality can really help.

Irrational optimist that I am, would like the next survey verdict to want adults to wind their clocks back to adolescence…. does this sound awkward or adorable???????

About a decade ago, it used to be considered very normal to share everything with one’s partner. A universal given, ‘loving is sharing’. Maybe, it remains the same even today, except for only one difference – inability to share one’s phone with one’s partner. There is no dearth of suspicious people wanting to spy on their partner’s phone and enough compulsive users obsessed with deleting their phone history all the time. One of the major causes of couples having tumultuous relationship is unfortunately the mobile phone and the toll it has taken on their trust.

Why has it become responsible for so much friction between two people intimately involved? Why does it cause so many breakups? Whom do we blame – the spying partner or the partner with inseparable phone? The answer to this will probably always remain debatable. How does one justify the need to check on one’s partner’s phone? Why can’t one show his/her phone to the curious partner and satiate curiosity? Two different perspectives work here. First and foremost, the fact that one doesn’t want to share the phone with one’s partner conveys something amiss and hence the reluctance. Secondly, sometimes nothing could be wrong at all, but sheer discomfort to share one’s phone – an infringement upon one’s personal zone, considered by many.

There is nothing wrong in not wanting to share one’s phone with the other. Every individual is entitled to his/her private and personal space. Any encroachment on the same can add a negative tone to the relationship. Something not shared or brought into the open doesn’t always spell trouble. Suspicious partners have to put their doubts to rest in order to work out their relationship. A newly dating couple almost were on the verge of calling off their relationship only because the woman insisted on literally checking on her partner’s phone, much to his annoyance. In this day and age when smart phones act as mini computers, information stored in it can be pretty extensive, ranging from one’s personal data to one’s work related material etc. A scepticism well understandable.

But, what about individuals who are actually cheating on their partners through this mode of communication? Infidelity has many forms including emotional. One doesn’t have to be physically intimate with another to cause emotional infidelity in their existing relationship. And this infidelity can harm a relationship if flecked with addiction, compulsion and dependence with the other person involved.

Regardless of whether a person is involved with someone else through this medium or not, mobile phones have become addictions and people afflicted by this disorder certainly need therapy to wean themselves off. It’s a common sight in restaurants and many other public places where couples are physically together but with their eyes locked on their respective cell phones. Why not look into each other’s eyes instead of looking at the phone screens and avoid the inability to see eye to eye? It’s a marker couples should realize and recognize; an index of their future relationship – please don’t let your cell phone turn into a ‘touch me not’ plant!!!

There’s something called the mental age and there’s something called the chronological age.  The human intelligence quotient is calculated on the basis of these two. Emotional quotient which was trailing behind the IQ has gained momentum in terms of its significance. There is enough evidence to prove how essential it is to be emotionally competent, especially in today’s stressful day and age, taking a toll on so many individuals who aren’t self-equipped to deal with it. How many times have we come across a young person looking older that he/she actually is? Or how many times do we run into people who never look their age. It is as if they live in a time machine, defying the rules of aging. “Oh, look at her, she doesn’t look like a mother of a 14 year old.” Maybe its the soap, maybe it’s the genes or it could be neither. There are so many factors that play a role in keeping fit, looking and feeling younger.

When people say, 30s is the new 20s and the 40s is the new 30s, are they trying to evade from their actual ages and therefore the reality? Do they resort to this theory to protect themselves from their own age bug they are bitten with? No, not at all!  Looking and staying younger as opposed to one’s actual age is humanly possible. With longevity increasing world over and with astronomical medical advancements, health of population on an average has significantly improved. People are not just getting conscious about maintaining their physical health, even the mental health is focussed upon. With the world yoga day round the corner, once just cannot deny the benefits of yoga to reverse the aging. It has been proved that regular practice of yoga can have magical effect on one’s body. Not to forget the benefits that follow in maintaining a balanced mind. What about people who are not into yoga?

Well, for them and everyone else, Its all about the mind. When we have our mind in control, we can control almost anything and everything. Human beings on an average have fifty to seventy thousand thoughts visiting their minds in day. For a balanced mind these thoughts would be a mix of good and bad, positive and negative, of course with the scales tilting more towards the positives.  Positivity has a great influence on our aging process. A positive mind can act as a magic wand for a healthy body, diminishing the effects of physiological changes related to age. In a nutshell, it all depends on one’s attitude. And to cultivate the right attitude, one needs the right approach to create the right frame of mind with the right thoughts. It really isn’t any rocket science to create a healthy mind. Condition your mind to indulge in selective thought processing, mind de-cluttering and positive thinking through meditation, yoga or any form of exercise.  One cannot stop the natural course of aging, but why not delay it if it’s in our control? Mind control is equal to age control…

“Anika, can you find me my tie, please, I am getting late for work.” Anika who was rushing to make breakfast for her husband, immediately joins him to find his tie. On reaching their bedroom, she notices everything from the cupboard has been rummaged and dropped on the floor in the process to find the tie. She opens a drawer, takes it out and gives it to him. Despite her irritation about the mess created in the room, she decides to keep quiet, not wanting to spoil her husband’s mood when leaving for work. She is again beckoned by him asking if the breakfast is ready. Once again she dashes to the kitchen and fetches him what was made. “Oh, I’ll rather eat something at work. This is not made according to my liking.” He gets up and leaves. Before Anika could register her husband’s discontentment, her daughter summons her to find her book.

This was a regular morning feature for Anika who lived with her fifteen year old daughter and husband of 20 years in Ahmedabad. Once the father and daughter left, Anika a stay-at-home mom would get busy with the household chores only to find some breather to read the newspaper later during the day. It used to be her stress buster. She would read for hours together thinking about the happenings and developments in the world. Somehow it took her away from her own reality.

Humdrum of daily routine got on her. She sensed something was missing in her life. Her wish list from the subconscious was suddenly out. And she now felt the urge to work towards her wish list, only to make her wonder why she couldn’t do it all these years. She realized her time was used only to complete the chores and run some errands for her home and family. There was no time for herself. How she wished for some ‘me time’!!!

Many women can identify with Anika and relate to her life story. It is a very common lifestyle of quite a few women. Salute to such women who dedicate their life to their husband, children and home. But, at what cost? If the trade-off is a sense of fulfilment at the end of serving one’s family, it is maybe worth it. But, in Anika’s case, the equation is different. The husband and daughter seem to have taken her for granted. She too has started feeling the void despite doing what she has been doing for years. With no financial strain, no physical abuse in her marriage and divine gift of motherhood, Anika’s situation would be ideal for many.

Well, Anika is very normal in feeling the way she does. Not that doing things for one’s family is something wrong. What is wrong is the fact that she is taken for granted and expected to do whatever she has been doing for years. Along with the basic needs, a woman has many secondary needs to be fulfilled. Appreciation is one of them. Taken for granted attitude corrodes any relationship. It is a basic human tendency to be liked, cared for, valued and respected. These small gestures can go a long way in making a relationship worthwhile. In Anika’s case, the biggest mistake she made was she forgot herself in the process of meeting her family’s needs. She forgot she too had needs. Respect yourself and others will follow – is the philosophy everyone should practise. Women, wish to be treated like a doormat and you will be, wish to be treated like a queen and you will be. The choice is yours…..

“Seeing is believing” doesn’t hold water for emotional abuse as it does for physical abuse. No (visible) mark, no problem, isn’t the reality. People tend to take emotional abuse much more lightly compared to physical abuse. Emotional abuse can be defined as a form of abuse characterised by a person subjecting or exposing another to a behaviour that may result in psychological trauma including anxiety, chronic depression or post stress disorder, consequences of which are devastating.

Not only are adults a victim of emotional abuse, unfortunately even children and teens are at times subjected to it. It goes through its own cycle especially in a relationship. The dominant partner abuses his/her partner. Instead of protesting, the submissive partner somehow starts feeling that he/she probably deserves it. This leads to low self-esteem resulting in a major personality disorder. While it is commonly believed that the woman is normally at the receiving end in a relationship, it is actually not true. Men too are subjected to it. Regardless of who is abused, partners who are nagging, jealous, over possessive, suspicious and into illogical splurging – just to name a few, can create mental turmoil beyond imagination. Screaming and shouting are other common forms of verbal abuse. Nonverbal forms of abuse include sudden silence, withdrawal and resentment towards everything like refusing to eat, not wanting to mingle with family, sulking and creating unpleasant atmosphere at home. If children are involved and are a witness to all this, it can be detrimental to their mental health and future relationships. Although the receiver generally tends to underplay it, it is extremely unhealthy to suffer silently. It can take a toll not just on one’s mental but physical health as well. Several ailments related to this kind of stress have been identified.

How does one deal with it? First and foremost, there should be acceptance of the fact that there is emotional abuse, followed by a strong need to address it and last but not the least to deal with it effectively.

Wounds caused by a physical abuse are temporary (minus the emotional scars), but the effects of an emotional abuse can never be healed or rather it takes a very long time to heal if addressed at the right time. With proper professional help and therapy, one can regain one’s lost self-confidence and self-esteem.

Life is too precious to take any abuse – physical or psychological.  Don’t take it for the sake of it or you will never make it to a better life awaiting you. Wake up and speak up!

Although this blog is being written, keeping Indian culture in view, I am sure there are many other cultures (particularly Asian) that still have husbands dominating marriages.

While the west continues to influence the world all over in ways more than one, there are still many things which can be imbibed positively. Instead of cloning only the fashions and styles, the language and the methods, why not focus on some aspects which can really turnaround a society for the better? Almost all marriages in the west are on an equal footing, which isn’t the case in our country most of the times (exceptional husbands are not targeted here). The normal practice of a husband considering his wife to be his inferior is very common, not confined to rural, but urban couples as well. It’s the wife who has to bear the brunt of all the house hold chores, especially if the husband is the bread winner of the family. She is expected to be at his beck and call, who ironically is supposed to ‘provide’ for the entire family. But it’s actually the wife who ends up ‘providing’ for everybody in terms of all their needs. This applies to a wife who is a career woman too. She has to walk the tight rope of work and marriage constantly.

Why is man always put on a pedestal? Gender disparity between a girl and a boy is ingrained right from childhood. Unfortunately, it’s the boy who is given all the privileges at home. And this disparity, rubs on his marriage too. He continues to feel superior and presumes he can get away with anything. Unfortunately the wife in most of the cases is also conditioned into believing and accepting the supremacy of the husband. It is a given that she has to comply by his rules. Inappropriately, the husband’s family keeps reiterating his role as the master of the family. Nothing can be more paradoxical than the parents of a son, who also have a daughter, continuing to daunt the daughter-in-law by their unreasonable means. They forget their daughter too could be subjected to such unfairness. Or maybe, they consider it normal for their daughter to live within the framework of an unfair marriage. Not to forget the mother in the mother-in-law who was once a daughter and a wife too.

Times are changing, but it’s still far from a fair and ideal society, wherein the man and the woman can grow equally in a marriage. We continue to be enamoured by the west. How beautifully a couple in the west share a balanced marriage with neither feeling superior nor inferior to the other. The husband never looks down upon helping his wife with all the chores. He is a ‘hands on’ father too, giving his wife a helping hand in looking after the children. If we can look up to the west for all kinds of materialistic pleasures and influences, why not try to adapt to their ways of parity?

We do have many husbands who are treading the same path in terms of treating their wives equally. But the statistic is too less to change the reality. Women have started asserting their right to equality leading to many broken marriages. Men have to realize that they are ordinary men and not supermen to enjoy a blissful family life. If not then the men should be contented with hiring a maid if not a slave to inflate their already bloated egos… Why do they need a wife?????????