Monthly Archives: May 2017

All relationships start with two people attracting each other emotionally, physically and intellectually, in a way that make them irresistible with each other. Both caught up in the spell and desire of wanting to be together. There’s a lot of excitement and romance but suddenly there’s a shift and one of the partners pulls back. The person at the receiving end starts blaming himself/herself for the withdrawal and starts feeling that one is not loved or liked any more. Various thoughts start haunting the mind.

Wouldn’t it be nice to understand the reasons behind the withdrawal and see if the situation can be reversed? When two people get close in a relationship, they both love the feeling and want more of it. Ironically it is in this same closeness that sometimes either or both need some individual space. This is how most couples function emotionally. Such space gives them an opportunity to recover. It’s very natural for couples to grow distant occasionally. What matters here is not the pulling away but how one handles the situation when that happens. The bottom line being one can’t control the withdrawal but can certainly control one’s reaction to it.

This kind of a situation requires some prudence on part of the person affected by the distant behaviour. One should never get into an immediate quick fix mode. As much as it may seem like a sensible, proactive thing to do, it can lead to create more distance. The ideal thing would be to step back and relax. Give it some time and let it take its own course to get back to normal.  There’s a time for everything but this is not the right time to over share one’s feelings. Unrealistic expectations always add fuel to the fire. Expectations about how a partner should behave vis a vis how he/she does particularly at such times may create further confusion. Last but not the least communicate clearly and take a back seat.

There’s another reason a person might withdraw. That may not have anything to do with the partner. It could be because of a missing drive. It is very important for any individual to be very clear about what he or she is doing in his or her life and what is that drive which keeps one going. It can be anything ranging from something simple like doing great professionally, being creative or even excelling at some sport. The point is that one must have the drive to remain engaged and focused on not just doing something but doing something well. A drive is very essential for one’s overall emotional and social well-being. So many times, so many people are unaware of their drive or even if they are they don’t really go after it and aren’t assertive enough towards it.

When this happens, the person lacking the drive always suffers in the relationship. Withdrawals, restlessness, irritations become frequent as they become more and more unengaged in life. Too often people are not conscious that this is what is happening to them and they end up pulling away from their relationship and make things worse for themselves and their partner. This is when they are in and out of their relationship. Instead of over analysing the situation, one must focus on other things too. Don’t let the relationship rule – the thumb rule.

At the cost of sounding a bit preachy, the best relationship advice I can give all couples is to develop an equation with one’s partner in such a way that one can have the most uncomfortable dialogue in the most comfortable setting. Sounds weird? Well, the norm in most relationships would be to either avoid or procrastinate sensitive issues with the fear of either a discourse or a distress setting in.  Couples need to learn the art of being able to talk about anything under the sun, especially about unpleasant yet necessary issues with freedom and ease.

There was this couple who supposedly got along beautifully. They were very proud of the fact that they never had any skirmishes in their relationship. They claimed to be very understanding with each other. Despite wearing the rosy glasses of their perfect relationship, something was amiss and they landed up with me. Didn’t take too long to figure the couple had a very superficial relationship. Both the partners were inhibited in expressing any negative emotions. They had conditioned themselves to insulate themselves from the unpleasant realities of their marriage. They only shared good things with each other. These included sharing meals, outings, entertaining guests and regular holidays. While this would sound more than ideal, there was a big vacuum between them. They shied away from sharing their darkest fears, unpleasant truths and disinclinations. They hardly had any differences thanks to this partial and deliberate obliteration. But in the process, it costed them their closeness. Eventually the mask they donned of completely different entities than they actually were, took a big toll not just on their relationship but on themselves. There was discomfort with a false sense of comfort.

Another couple used to have frequent bitter fights, with the husband getting over possessive about the wife interacting with any of her friends. The wife was so fed up that she severed all the ties with them only to spare herself the trauma of his possessiveness. This came with a cost. Her socializing decreased which in turn affected her mental health and her equation with her husband. In trying to mend one disturbing aspect, she ended up with a disturbed mental state herself. An intimate relationship always gets priority but not at the cost of disturbing one’s mental equilibrium.  A better option would have been to try and tap the husband’s insecurities leading to possessiveness. Even after discussing and putting him at ease with a lot of assurances, if he continues, he should seek professional help. When such a behaviour reaches pathological levels, it’s dangerous for both the partners and the relationship.

Once again, I maintain one should strive to make a relationship strong enough to bear the manifestations of the most uncomfortable talks in the most comfortable situations. The husband and the wife should be able to sit across each other without any reservations to share their deepest of concerns about themselves or each other. A relationship in which both the partners can express their apprehensions, insecurities, fears, guilt and sadness freely is a mark of a healthy relationship.

Please get out of your comfort zone to take your relationship to a stress-free zone of comfort to discuss anything ranging from unacceptable, undesirable, unreasonable, unimaginable, unthinkable to uncomfortable. Unbelievable but not unachievable!!!

A recent discussion with a friend over tea was quite discerning. In the process of exchanging some random thoughts on relationships and what all it takes for it to function smoothly, we zeroed in on a simple yet generally taken for granted kind of an element. While stereotyping the conventional like honesty, openness, comfort, mutual respect et al, we talked about the ‘easy’ aspect a relationship. If the nature of any relationship is easy, if two people are easy to get along with and easy on each other, it becomes so easy!!! ‘Easy’ should be the prerequisite for any relationship – be it intimate or otherwise. If it’s not easy it’s not worth it. And it holds so much truth. Why should one fret or struggle in any relationship? Except may be business associations where it’s not always an easy going.  But in friendships or romantic liaisons, why would one sweat? Happiness is the goal which got two people together in the first place – friends or lovers. It shouldn’t come at the cost of two people constantly bickering and causing unhappiness or unpleasantness to each other. What is the point of such a relationship? Well, no denying the fact that close ties always need some fine tuning and nurturing.

Everyone should strive to make their relationships simple. In fact, all relations are easy. We make them complex by attaching some unnecessary predetermined thoughts encoded into our system by our formative, childhood and growing up experiences. Everyone comes with a set of predisposed ideas which play a big role in what we offer to our relationships. Unpleasant or negative experiences complicate the fabric of an otherwise sound relationship. A new relationship is like a clean slate. The essence of its ease lies in what two individuals chalk out of it as time goes by.

Since every individual has different life experiences by the time they get into a union, it is not always easy to declutter certain wrong relationship notions. Most of the times, one doesn’t even realize that the faulty mindset is instrumental in creating distress and thus it is taking a toll on the relationship. Blaming others aggravates the situation further. One needs to look within and see what is causing the distress that’s making it complex rather than easy. A lot of my clients are very surprised when a different perspective is presented to them. They have never perceived this different context affecting a relationship.

Instead of brooding over a relationship that’s not cent percent satisfying, one needs to simplify one’s thinking in order to make it simple. For example, a person may doubt his or her partner which may or may not have any basis. What is required in such situations is to simply control such doubts which come in the way between them. The right thing to do in such tricky situations would be to talk over even the most uncomfortable of topics with an open mind. The same applies to constant contempt, criticism and resentment from either or both. Train the mind to do some simple thinking rather than chew the cud over some imaginary or deliberate negatives. When the thought process is easy, one is easy on one’s self and on one’s partner. Take it easy and make it easy. It’s worth it…

We come across all kinds of people in this world. The strong and the weak. The major difference between the strong and the weak lie in the way they react to a situation. It is the response or the reaction which mirrors the strength of a person.

While what differentiates the strong from the weak is something easy to answer, why are some people stronger and some not is something which is intriguing. Theoretically, strength is an amalgamation of genes, bringing up and the experiences gathered. Mental strength is inevitable in today’s times. What happens when the right set of genes are not inherited and the environment is not conducive to be strong in life? Does it mean one must put up with a weak mind because of not very ideal nature and nurture? Not in the least. It is very imperative to teach today’s children that like physical strength (which again is under question – given the lax outlook towards it), mental strength is equally important.

How does one develop it? For children, it’s very easy – what they see is what they imbibe. If they notice their parents/teachers/primary caretakers generate a lot of mental strength, they would inculcate similar qualities. Children always learn better through observation. If they witness positive reactions to challenging situations, they will automatically reflect the same behaviours. If they see relaxed set of family members at home who don’t fret over things, sweat the small stuff, they would pick up the same. The problem arises when they learn wrong things the wrong way. Adults must demonstrate being mentally very stable. Unfortunately, not all grownups have this stability.

Now, the next question is how can adults who have a direct influence on children establish their mental strength if they are devoid of it? First and foremost, they need to identify the areas which wind them up and lead to negative reactions. Once the difficult areas are identified, they need to decisively change their repetitive patterns of reactions by controlling their negative emotions. They may struggle with this initially, but it’s never impossible to break a pattern one is aware of. One should never forget the fact that reacting impulsively, immaturely or negatively seldom help cope with a difficult situation. Controlling one’s feelings to avoid emotional outbursts or silent withdrawals leading to anxiety, depression or nervous breakdown are always dangerous.

Once developed, mental strength is something which is revealed when going through trials and tribulations of life – in sickness, loss of any kind or even relationship distress. Couples having this quality are always at an advantage in their relationship. They can resolve their conflicts better and are always able to take things in their stride.

“Life is not what happens to you, but how you react to what happens to you” should be practised to the hilt. If one breaks down at the drop of a hat, loses his/her cool frequently and gives up easily, it can have a terrible effect on the people in their orbit of family, work and close friends. When one reacts to a situation prudently, over a period of time, these reactions become ingrained in a person and consequently the mind strong and stable. After all, even mental health is wealth…

No relationship is conflict proof. That’s not only impossible but unhealthy as well. Every couple has its share of arguments and issues. But how to draw a line between what’s normal and what’s not? There are some indicators which can help one gauge if a relationship is worth being invested in or time to move on.

Have you set healthy boundaries in your relationship? if no, it’s a matter of concern. By setting a boundary one can show one’s displeasure by saying no to things which don’t go down too well with the partner. By respecting these boundaries, one can reset the relationship norms between the couple and thereby improve the quality of a dysfunctional relationship.

Are your feelings minimized by your partner? When your feelings are minimized and your partner’s feelings are expected to be magnified, it is a toxic relationship for sure. A balanced relationship wherein the feelings of each other matter is worth maintaining.

Has your partner accepted you – warts and all? The point here is, how well do you accept your imperfect partner and working through his/her flaws together to make the bond meaningful.

Does your partner’s honesty hurt you? A healthy relationship is not always about total honesty. At times things are kept to oneself without sharing. Being brutally honest can hurt the partner’s sentiments. One must be considerate towards the partner’s feelings and be sensitive and empathetic. Doesn’t mean one must be dishonest though.

Do you vent your negative feelings all the time? A constant outburst of how much your partner ruffles your feathers, irritates and winds you up can negatively play on your relationship. You may temporarily feel better after the catharsis but eventually can spell trouble for your relationship. Similarly, unbridled self – expression of love and affection can also have a negative impact. One should always be mindful and understanding towards the partner before spouting out one’s feelings and emotions. Being unmindful can sting a relationship and its scar can last a life time.

Do you feel healthy, energetic and positive in your partner’s presence? If your answer is no, the relationship is a question mark. It is very important to recognise how you feel when with your partner. Any relationship is not always roses but if it generates similar negative feelings of anxiety, depression, depleted energy levels, and if it is the norm rather than the exception, you are in a toxic relationship.

Are you detracted from being your full version? Two people come together and create synergy which makes them feel complete about themselves and with each other. Feeling more powerful and stronger because of the communion than being an individual reflects the relationship index.

Do you always blame everybody/thing but yourself for a problem in your relationship? An affirmative answer shows a relationship to be toxic. Being defensive all the time about issues cropping up in a relationship is a huge relationship malfunction. It’s very important to take responsibility for the share of the problem you are a part of.

During the beginning of any romantic relationship it is a natural tendency to be blinded by love and lust and one may overlook some pointers indicative of relationship distress. it is very important to be wary of these red flags by gauging the situation objectively. Invest in a relationship which is happy and relaxing rather than toxic and taxing.