Monthly Archives: December 2016

A recent discussion with a friend on relationships being one of the strongest indicators of happiness opened my vista of thoughts on happiness derived from a meaningful relationship vis a vis the happiness that comes from within. The two may sound mutually exclusive but are congruent as well. It is very difficult to draw a line between happiness based on external and internal forces. While, the happy feeling is something internalized, it is the source we were discussing. When it has been proved that relationships, health and profession are the highest predictors of happiness respectively, does it mean we are dependent on them to feel happy? Why can’t we be happy regardless of what our circumstances are?  The most ideal situation to be in – undeterred by all and remain happy.  We create our own happiness. And that happiness can have a cascading effect on other areas of life. Unfortunately, a difficult proposition to be practised by many. Maybe, these qualities of zero dependence distinguish saints from us, ordinary human beings.

But man is a social animal – one of the elementary social science lessons we were taught. All human beings seek physical, social and emotional connection. The need to connect is inherent in one and all. One may try to defy this natural urge to attach – whether with one’s mother or a primary caregiver from birth, to siblings and friends at growing up years and through an alliance with one’s partner which one hopes would last for life. While the first one is almost impossible to defy, the remaining two become difficult if not impossible. So, when we seek contact with another human being, it is out of our need to connect. That connection gives us the joy to connect even further as it is not something momentary which would end with our needs fulfillment. It’s an ongoing process. Or else no relationship would ever last – intimate or even a close friendship. Attachment and connection with others is what drives us to happiness.

Coming back to our earlier observation of happiness resulting from within or a sound relationship can be based on the premise that when one is internally happy, one can generally be happy and relationships would be a part of it too. But at the same time, the happiness generated by a meaningful relationship can be second to none. It can influence and encourage one to keep going in life, no matter what the challenges. The passion, zeal or enthusiasm which it exudes can be phenomenal. It is not only the partner, but the platform that is created by a couple, the platform of love, trust, understanding and respect that lifts a couple’s confidence, self-esteem and mood. The feeling of security and assurance through someone being there is matchless. Here, the happiness comes from within but at the same time it is not self restricted.

Of course, making your partner the only source of your happiness is something I would never propagate. But one central association can rub on to other things in life. The zeal to pursue other interests and hobbies can reach great levels. The happiness generated through it can reveal new realms of passion to pursue one’s dreams. Happiness through love is like an elixir – experience it to believe it!!

A latest trend I have  experienced of late is this peculiar phenomenon wherein couples are struggling to communicate directly. Communication has become indirect and somehow the ability to communicate effectively – what needs to be conveyed is lost. Communication takes the form of beating around the bush, without getting to the crux of the matter.

Couples are wary in conveying what they want to, for reasons galore. And when they decide to, the medium generally used is the social media, these days. Couples post articles and images on Facebook reflecting their thoughts, expecting their partner to understand the gist of their message, without any direct effort to make them realize its addressed to him/her.  WhatsApp is another platform used to open the eyes of the partner. As a result of this an over flow of sarcasm comes into play sometimes. The result, further dip in communication.  These kinds of communicating patterns hamper the relationship rather than repair it.

During a family therapy session, I was quite surprised – not at all pleasantly though to see the immediate family members connect with each other through a group chat.  Resorting to an internet platform to communicate with one’s family seems and sounds horrifying.  And they wanted to bridge the gap of disconnectedness. What got them to connect digitally more than personally? The root of the problem can be complex. From not being heard, to lack of empathy towards one another, disinterest and indifference can make communication take a backseat. The easiest way then becomes through texting. At least one knows for a fact that the messages won’t fall to deaf ears or blind eyes. Unfortunately, the art of meeting and conversing with people is almost lost.

We live in technology soaked times where ironically communication has become so much easier. Connecting with anyone under the sun is no big deal. Then why this big gap in interpersonal communication among the loved ones? In the process of communicating with everybody but our very closed ones, whom we often take for granted, we have shut ourselves to them, their feelings and at times to their existence. It becomes an addiction to communicate virtually. Weaning off process sometimes requires therapy.

The toll which lack of communication can take on a relationship is a universal given. People are aware of this major relationship detractor. But by the time this is dawned upon, it gets detrimental to a relationship equation. And in desperation to mend it, it leads to secondary rather than primary communication. The resentment grows so deep that it often takes the form of bitterness, taunts and cynicism which is like adding fuel to the fire. The courage to communicate effectively and directly is daunting for most of the people. Why wait for things to get out of hand?

If one cannot be one self to put forward one’s feelings or thoughts without any fears, apprehensions or reservations, the relationship is not worth it and its time to communicate this to your partner. It’s time to muster your courage and say what you must!! It’s not distance which keeps people apart, its lack of communication, rather lack of direct straightforward communication.