Monthly Archives: April 2018

Men and women are wired differently. The first thing to understand; a fundamental fact to recognize and follow – explicitly in relationships. For example, men can never understand why women always rake up the past. Men on the other hand are very good at letting go of their past. Women are usually quicker to get over a fight (till they bring it up again in the future), while men take time to come to terms with what happened. Men withdraw more than women. The cooling period is a part of their process to deal with things.  Again, men and women are not on the same page when they hear what the other is saying. Individual words are taken at face value without considering the deeper meanings behind them. Expectations regarding what a marriage should be like are also different. While they both seek happiness, the journey to it is totally different.

I want my readers to accept that your partner is not like you at all. It is extremely important to understand these differences if you want an intimate relationship for life. Most couples don’t realize and thus kill the passion in their relationship, keeping only a certain level of connect alive. A relationship without passion is like a human without a heart and feelings. Feeding a relationship, the right food can keep it healthy and alive, while the wrong food can act like toxins and become relationship killers. These include being your partner’s judge, making your partner wrong, making assumptions about your partner and who they are, being highly critical of them, holding your partner responsible for what you feel, withdrawing from your partner and trying to mind-read what your partner thinks.

These actions can have a very negative impact on the marriage, if practiced for too long. So, if you want to regain the lost passion in your relationship, you must free your partner to be themselves and help them connect to the energy within them to help them see you as attractive again. You cannot control love and passion in a relationship for it only grows and thrives when it’s free. How do you let your partner be themselves? By accepting the way, they are – all the good and the bad. Trying to change your partner will only cause resistance. The gist – the urge to control, you must resist, I insist.

To love and be loved are basic human needs. Unfortunately, not all relationships take care of these needs. People across the globe have been deprived of the love they deserve – thanks to the wrong relationships, particularly a wrong marriage. Since love is not just an emotion but a brain process, the feeling it creates is second to none. Can’t underestimate its importance for the wellbeing of a person. Technology driven times have made the situation worse.

A recent service started by an agency in the city lends pets on rent for a few hours. People can cuddle and care for these pets and thus gratify their need to love. A venture commercially and emotionally viable for people who subscribe to it, is certainly not fair on the pets. Animals are one of the most loving creatures. Unlike human beings, their love is unconditional. But according to me the very idea of loving them temporarily by different and multiple individuals would be harassment. Unlike human beings they do not have the ability to comprehend such variances of different people hiring them briefly. To be treated differently by different individuals would be unnerving. I am not here to advocate an anti-cruelty cause. I just feel, there can be other ways to satiate one’s needs leaving our dear animal friends alone.

Instead of animals, why can’t we express our love to people who need it more? Not to say, animals don’t need love. Orphanages and old age homes would be the right places to visit. If we compare it to the latest pet service available, why not spend a few hours with these orphans or old people? They are so devoid of love, affection and care? It has been proved scientifically that any altruistic deed reflects in feeling happy and worthwhile. Instead of focussing on ourselves, if we focus on others who have almost no means to gratify their needs, we would help them feel so good about themselves and their situation.

Life is never perfect. Nobody gets everything one wants or longs for. Love included. Instead of wallowing in self pity about being in a loveless marriage, divert your energy to people/children who need it. You can make a difference to someone and that difference will make a difference to you. Become a ketchup for you might be told you are different!!

A recent ruling from the Mumbai high court makes emotional abuse as offensive as physical abuse. A welcome verdict indeed! While physical abuse is common, emotional abuse is a part of almost every other household. So many individuals suffer in silence. And while women are subjected to it more, men too have their share of emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse can take numerous forms. The other day, I was introduced to a middle-aged couple at a friend’s house warming gathering. They seemed as congenial with each other as with others around. During the course of the evening, their group of friends got planning a holiday together. They for some reason seemed to disagree with each other on the plan. When the wife tried to verbalize her reason, the husband gave her a stern dirty look – one which made the wife quiet immediately. The look on her face as a result of his, made her low. I could make out her silence was not out of an intent to avoid an argument publicly but was an outcome of her husband’s disdain. She was controlled by him. This is emotional abuse. When the freedom of expression is restricted, it amounts to emotional mistreatment.

I also know a couple where the husband is controlled by the wife. She makes it very apparent by calling the shots about everything. She would decide if they could stay back at a party, if he could drink, if he could interact in mixed company and much more. She would throw a tantrum if he picked up a separate plate to eat. She had made a rule that they would always eat from the same plate. Any deviance from this practice would get her out of control. She would react by getting almost hysterical. Emotional abuse again.

Emotional abuse can be verbal or non-verbal. Shouting, wailing uncontrollably, being sarcastic,  putting one’s partner down, ridiculing him/her can be akin to withdrawing and giving a cold treatment. Wearing a long face and sulking by not communicating can be equally stressful. Such behaviour causes a lot of mental trauma. The psychology of people subjecting their partners to such mental stress think they are punishing them. On the contrary, they become unpleasant and unwanted in the process. A marriage is never about control. Emotionally healthy people would never wield control. Alter your mind and delete control from your relationship.