Monthly Archives: July 2017

With my background in Psychology, I strongly feel that each one of us needs to go through a few lessons in Psychology in our growing up years for it would help us understand ourselves and others a tad better.  I am going to attempt to unravel the mystique of ” emotional stability” from a layperson’s point of view.

For a parent, it is very difficult to fathom how a simple calculation like why 3+4 = 7 is not understood by the child, why cannot the child learn to ride a bicycle, why cannot the child draw a circle? As parents, we are filled with more whys than wows at the beginning. But do we give up? A simple resounding answer would be NO. Do we feel frustrated, emotionally drained and physically fatigued? This time the resounding answer would be a big YES. But do we as parents ever give up??? Never!!! Because in our heart of hearts we know that we need to be emotionally stronger than our children. So, every time our child fails, our encouragement only increases. We pick up our child, wipe the tears, give a tight hug and start the process all over again. Not all parents do that and some let the frustration show and it only confuses the child. The outcome – the child grows up to be weak, fragile and mentally unstable.

As a child grows a little older, we begin to lose patience. The demons in our minds take over and we begin to believe that if we continue to shower the same love, affection and encouragement as before, we would end up being “over protective”. This distorted thinking takes a toll when the child grows up.

The situation takes a different turn altogether when our children – now adults start cohabiting with their spouse/partner. Two different but independent mind sets start interacting. Most of the relationships fail today because we as individuals do not have the same amount of time, energy and patience to deal with the emotional world of our partner. Because our formative years are different. “Why is he/ she so lazy? Why cannot he/ she think clearly, plan better, dress better, eat well?” The result is a failed relationship.

What is Emotional Stability? What is its role? Why so much noise around it these days? Why aren’t partners emotionally compatible?

Emotional stability is nothing but the awareness of one’s own mindset and the resultant mental wellbeing. It is the knowledge that a toddler/ young child/ adolescent/adult with some understanding and support can and will achieve a balanced state of emotional stability that matches ours or if it doesn’t, at least will be on the same page.

In Mahabharata, Krishna had promised parents of Shisupala that he would pardon Shisupala’s 100 mistakes. That’s exactly how adults in today’s world view each other and their relationships. Each one of us is a Shisupala and a Krishna. As humans, we are prone to making mistakes and as egoists always ready to strike the deathly blow. Emotional Stability means to always know and understand that anything and everything can be won with love, patience and support. There is no finite number of times you should try. Thomas Edison tried 1000 times and continued his quest till he discovered tungsten. What if he had given up after 100, 500, 1000? If the objective and the purpose are clear, the length of the path and the terrain should never become an issue. Giving up a relationship is easy. But continuing despite the odds is something which would not only make it challenging but also worthwhile in the long run. Emotional Stability is nothing  but  finding an Edison within us.

An escalating trend in couple distress these days is jealousy. “He who is not jealous is not in love” seems to be followed to the ‘T’ with either/both spouse getting terribly jealous, possessive and insecure. Jealousy is predominantly about lacking something that the other has. But then, wouldn’t there be million things in this world which would be more in many others than us? Someone with a better face, hair, looks, figure/physique, educational qualifications, professional achievements, finances et al. The list can be boundless. So, does it mean we become jealous of anybody and everybody who is better off than us in one way or the other? Just imagine how much mental turmoil the mind would be subjected to.

The root of jealousy is comparison. The moment we start comparing ourselves with others, the problem sets it. The ground rule to observe would be to realize we are all individuals and unique. No two individuals should ever be compared since they are unparalleled.  Every individual comes with a distinct set of qualities, characteristics and traits that set them apart.

Jealousy between partners, married or otherwise can be extremely detrimental to the relationship. Jealousy leads to low self-esteem, inadequacy in oneself, lack of trust and confidence in the partner. It can be pathologically dangerous. Once the mind gets attuned to getting into the comparison mode, retracting it becomes tedious – given a person’s predisposition towards it.

When does a partner feel jealous? Normally when some other person is perceived as better. Sometimes one’s partner cannot help praising this ‘perceived better person’. An instant jealousy generator. The most distorted logic in our relationships centres around the fact that just because one is married to someone (or even in a steady relationship), one loses the right to praise someone else. By withholding one’s real feelings, one is not only cheating one’s partner but also one’s self. The irony is all couples want their relationship to be open, honest and transparent. But at the same time, they do not have the nerves to accept or appreciate anyone/anything better in the bargain.

People with jealous tendencies have a lot of inferiority complex and hence they easily end up disturbing their own apple cart. Their jealousy is revealed through immature, sarcastic barbs and behaviour. And the worst part is it’s very difficult for such people to realize they are resorting to such tendencies. They feel justified in doing what they do. They believe they are safeguarding their relationship. Hog washed thinking. Instead of fostering such traits, the best thing would be to work on oneself by increasing the self-confidence. Confident people are never jealous or inadequate – be it in their personal or professional relationships. It can be developed by tapping the potential every individual has and honing some dormant skills in the process. This would boost their confidence big time. After all, jealousy is lack of confidence, not in others but in ourselves.

Not getting jealous is the biggest mark of respect you can pay to your spouse and yourself. The need of the hour is to realize that you don’t have to be jealous to prove your love. Proving you are not the ‘jealous type’ is far more beneficial. And some people have really conquered and gotten over this trait beautifully. Jealous????

A recent dinner at a restaurant made me rethink about the dynamics of relationships. A table across us saw two couples – one after the other, in stark difference from each other. The first couple in their thirties, looked married and bored with each other. The husband was constantly playing a game on his cell phone while the wife wore a glum look on her face, while waiting for their food. When their meal came, they ate without much dialogue and left.

The same table was occupied by another young couple. The guy and the girl looked head over heels in love with each other. They couldn’t take their eyes off each other and held hands from time to time till their order was served. They seemed to be courting each other or may be were just newly married.

Why does the equation change once married? All relationships go through a stipulated pattern of peak and plateau, while some go downhill. It’s very natural for the initial euphoria and excitement to die down. But can’t these be replaced by some other aspects stimulating enough to keep the relationship going?  Normally once married, complacency sets in and hence one starts taking the partner for granted. A legal stamp of matrimony brings a sense of ownership which is associated with feeling empowered about the spouse as if he/she is one’s property.  Encroachment in any form is dealt with control, domination, sulking et al. Going by the same rulebook to keep the relationship smooth with a motive of matrimony in mind when courting, why can’t the changing times of today be taken as a benchmark to ‘behave’ similarly in one’s marriage? Just because married, why put all the niceties on the backburner?

Marriages have become very fragile. This sacrosanct union so unpredictable. There is this lingering bond of uncertainty which can break any time in today’s times. I am not saying  one should live with constant insecurities but should remember this bitter fact and act prudently. Why tread the path indifferently or recklessly to regret later? Just being basically nice and happy with each other does the trick.

Along with niceness, one needs to keep the  relationship stimulating – emotionally and physically, since the two are correlated. This is probable when one gives  as much space as possible to one’s partner and respect their individuality. Most partners forget that they and their spouse are individuals first and then a couple. The moment they lose their individuality and become ‘merged’, the problems start.

Along with space comes freedom. And this is very easy to grant since it always results in greater responsibility. If a partner trusts his/her partner completely, there is generally no scope for either to disappoint the other because the freedom is appreciated and valued. Constant nagging in the form of getting possessive, suspicious and interrogative is never healthy. It is indicative of disrespecting the partner’s space and individuality. The best analogy I can think of here is of a rubber band, the harder you pull, the more the tension, reaching a point where it may snap, if not released at the right time. The same applies to relationships. A partner may put up with all the stress but nobody can take it beyond the pale. By being mindful of these few issues, a relationship can have a smooth sailing.

Give some space to create the right space between the two of you.

Bad patches in good relationships or bad relationships altogether are a universal given and at some point, everyone goes through it. While there are some who sail through the rough beautifully, there are some who choose to cling on to the bad and keep talking about it, whipping themselves up to a point of distorting their thinking. They perpetually are anxiety prone and consumed with fear, anger, negativity – whether in a new or the same relationship, they are constantly worried that the unpleasantness of the past might strike again. So when something or someone good enters their life, they neither value it nor respect it. They fail to trust the good, ‘too good to be true’ kind of a syndrome and keep fearing the worst. This is the biggest deal breaker. Why should someone so good pay the price of what someone did in the last relationship? Again, within the same relationship, why can’t one forget and forgive the past or the partner? The past erodes the good and the positive of the present. Wrong relationship with the wrong person cannot be equated with the right relationship with the right person.  This would come in the way to love someone wholly and deeply and to trust someone totally. ‘No regrets, only lessons learnt’ should be the mantra. Just because one relationship went askew doesn’t mean the next will follow suit.

Resilience is the key here. If one develops enough resilience to let go, the weight of the past will suddenly be lifted, only to feel lighter and better. Another key element is gratitude. If one is grateful for all the good things, the partner and the relationship bring, it’s easier to get rid of all the extra baggage attached to the bitterness in the current or past relationship. Appreciating the present also goes a long way in bringing harmony. All these three elements require overshadowing negativity with as much positivity as possible. This enables one to start life on a clean slate, afresh and abound with hope and happiness. When an otherwise good relationship goes through turbulent times, regardless of who is at fault, the couple should bury the hatchet at the earliest. Looking at the larger picture and counting one’s blessings always help. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, thinking what is right that’s keeping them together works better.

A case study on couples who kept focussing on the negatives and those who refused to give up on their past vis a vis, those who preferred to see the brighter side proved that the latter had an easy go at resolving their differences. The contentment in their relationship was much higher as opposed to those who only saw the darker side.  How a person fairs in life, personally and professionally also has a lot to do with their relationship approach. Interpersonal skills to deal with people other than one’s partner can be a major indicator of one’s relationship outlook. Also when a person gets along beautifully at work and does well professionally, its thanks to their overall attitude towards life in general. Positivity breeds positive emotions and negativity on the other hand yields destructive manifestations. Let go of your past, fast and focus on the present – the best present you can give yourself and your relationship.