Monthly Archives: November 2017

Trouble in marital paradise when one of the partners is insecure is very common. Not only does the relationship get into trouble but so does the insecure partner. Such individuals are constantly ruminating their partner’s actions. Millions of thoughts – mostly hypothetical come to haunt them.

The wife in one of the couples I was seeing was so insecure that her insecurities reached pathological levels. She had almost stopped thinking straight. She was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She would call her husband at work multiple times to check on him. When travelling, would want a video call with him to make sure he was where she was told he was. She became clingy to the extent where she started feeling their only child was loved more by the husband than her. Her behaviour would oscillate between very sweet to very bitter and she knew it was getting the better of her. The husband was feeling stifled to no end.  At times these insecurities are understandable, never justified though –  thanks to their past experiences or partner’s disposition. But getting insecure is seldom the solution.

The toll it takes on one’s mental equilibrium can be unnerving. How can one ever be happy or make the partner happy with this state of mind? Jealousy and possessiveness are direct descendants of insecurity.  How does one stop this disturbing pattern of thoughts and resultant behaviour? A difficult circle to square, but certainly not impossible.

Idle mind is devil’s workshop. Insecurities breed in such minds. You should control your mind before the mind starts controlling you. Instead of monopolising your mind with constant negativities about a singular thing, why not feed it with positives?

Talking about your insecurities with your partner is the first step. But if your restless mind is not at peace even after communicating your fears to your partner, you need to ask yourself if the constant anxiety you are living with is worth it?  A relationship is meant to make you happy and secure. Now, if either you or your partner cannot provide that much needed security and happiness due to whatever the reasons, it’s time to change something. A change in your thinking pattern can change you and your relationship. By focussing on other aspects of life, apart from your partner and relationship, you can learn to secure your insecurities.

Parenthood for some is about following a protocol to have children within a certain time frame of marriage.  Supreme contentment follows a child’s birth. Culmination of one yet beginning of another phase.

Parenthood is all about patience. Do you have the patience to deal with your child? Do you have the ability to understand their emotions? Is their bringing up healthy? To answer these questions, you need to ask yourself a few questions. First and foremost, we owe everything to the child because we bring them into this world. There are many couples who decide not to have children. Fair enough. But for those who wish otherwise, it is your responsibility to give them a healthy and a happy life.

Losing it on a kid at the drop of a hat, whatever the reason is never the right approach. To make them emotionally and physically stable, it becomes imperative to deal with them softly – without being angry, critical, resentful or stern. Children always imbibe what they observe. Hence you need to check your behaviour. If you are on your cell phone all the time, don’t expect your children to be away from it. Again watching television and hoping they don’t follow suit is being unrealistic, especially if you want them to emulate you. Parents don’t think twice before reacting to situations. Throwing a temper tantrum, withdrawing, turning cold, sulking, wearing a long face are some very common adult behavioural patterns in quite a few households. This is mainly done to prove a point without realizing you are only proving to be a weak and an unstable person. Why would you want your children to learn such behaviour? And when they resort to the same behaviour, the child is reproached. Never have double standards. What’s not acceptable to you cannot be expected to be acceptable to them.

I see so many couples fighting in front of their kids. Do they ever realize what scars a martial turmoil can leave on such tender minds? Instead of having children just to fulfil a social obligation, please check your emotional maturity to check your ability to bring them up. If you can’t give them the best of you, parenthood is meaningless. Give meaning to your child’s life by being exemplary parents. Can I have your word on it?

It has been observed that individuals with dual personalities are more prone to relationship distress.  Such people function very differently in their inner circle of spouse, children, parents, close relatives and friends, vis a vis their outer circle. It’s as if they are two different entities in two different spaces. Partners of such people always complain that they cannot fathom such behavioural differences. They can be poles apart as far as their behaviour goes. Temper tantrums, rudeness, excessive mood swings, nagging et. al.  can come easily to people with dual traits. And because of such traits these are the people who cannot get along easily with their partner. Although they claim to love them they cannot refrain from exhibiting a negative behaviour. The very same people when dealing with others are very charming and pleasant. Some are even boastful of a fantastic relationship they enjoy with their spouse, although the reality is different. People with a tendency to seek validation about everything they say or do from the outside world are normally predisposed to such dualities.

So many people complain that it’s almost impossible for their extended families or friends to believe they have relationship issues. Many people create such a façade of their marriage that the outsiders can never sense anything wrong. The point here is not about how well you can hide your differences behind a façade – that’s for the world to see and believe. It’s more about fooling yourself. Are you living in your marriage/relationship for yourself or others? At the end of the day what really counts is the happiness and contentment you give yourself and each other. Only if you are happy will you be able to make your partner happy. Nobody is ever hurt from being nice to others. But it should start from home.

It’s never too late to consciously curtail dual behaviour. Any form of behaviour affects one’s relationships, especially intimate ones, hence its very essential to behave well. Positive verbal communication and interaction help.  One is not expected to be impeccable or right all the time, but never hostile. Behaviour and feelings are correlated. You feel good when you behave good. Oscar Wilde very rightly said, “some people cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.” You want to be the former and certainly not the latter, right – especially for your loved ones?