Monthly Archives: February 2017

Do you feel you have had a wonderful connection with your partner/friend, only to wonder why he or she suddenly withdrew? Do you blame yourself to turn him or her off? Can anything be done to salvage a great relationship from crumbling?

These are some common questions plaguing couples of today. A seemingly uniform pattern I have witnessed in their relationships. While it’s very easy to fall in love, it’s never easy to continue being in love. This fast pace of growing close and apart can be nerve-wracking. Speed always plays a spoil sport.   Their struggle to keep their relationship steady, manifests in anxiety or depression, disrupting their mental and physiological equilibrium.

Early stages of a relationship determine a smooth, stable and solid journey of togetherness. When the pace of relationship is too fast, the resultant outcome is generally the following in either or both the partners:  Firstly, one wouldn’t know what to do with the connection if developed instantly and the timing is questioned. “Am I ready for this”? “Is this the right time?” “Do I have other priorities?” Questions start ruling the mind. Secondly, one may not be mentally equipped to deal with the essential relationship characteristics necessary for getting closer. Ample understanding, honestly, patience and tolerance are required. But when the emotional maturity is missing, it’s a deal breaker. Lastly, the short and instant relationship itself can be indicative of something either amiss or unfit to carry forward.

Nothing can be done about the wrong timing or lack of emotional maturity. A non-starter indeed! But a relationship can be an excellent indicator when things are not ideal.  One can gauge and correct some relationship malfunction by identifying it. A great relationship can turn sour mainly due to the biggest mistake most couples make. They have had great lives on their own, but the moment they meet each other, they start focussing only on giving or pleasing each other. Giving up friends and hobbies is synonymous to giving up themselves in the process. One is totally blinded to see anything else. No relationship can survive with only two individuals. Eventually, the same union can be stifling. Undivided attention to each other should always be the prerogative when together, but doesn’t mean one forgets one has a life outside that relationship as well. Leading a happy life together and parallelly can make both the partners attractive in the eyes of each other. It exudes feelings of empowerment and motivation within themselves to continue attracting each other. This would also stall the excitement and euphoria from wearing off.

Appreciation, affection and reassurance are the key ingredients to any beautiful association. Being stingy in using these can spell trouble. When one feels, the partner is not interested or the relationship has stagnated, one needs to show appreciation to convey how precious the relationship and the partner is. Showering affection to express love is imperative to keep it going. Giving regular reassurance to get rid of any insecurities again plays a vital role in the long run. These three elements can cement the relationship with a strong foundation to make it last.

The only time one wouldn’t want to get up after a fall is when one has fallen in love. Let it be a free fall!!!! A fall to remember, remain and rise…

Love is in the air. The entire world is gripped with the love fever. Hearts – real and symbolic pump into action. The occasion?  The ‘Valentine’s Day’!!! The day to profess and express one’s love. A special day to get betrothed or married. Something utterly romantic about the day for most.

I like the electrifying atmosphere of the V-day celebrations. Decorations marked with red – balloons and ribbons all over. Cards and gifts in demand galore. I find the seen outside any college always very interesting. Boys and girls, dressed to the nines – some ecstatic some  apprehensive. Red roses given and received. While it’s never easy for such love to last at this age and stage, it’s   the manifestation of beautiful feelings, ruled more by dreams than reality that monopolise the young minds and hearts. Celebrations also involve the ‘not so young’. May be subtler, may be not, but work place romantics, newlyweds, couples in relationship et.al look forward to this day as well.

When I compare the young and ‘the less young’, the inherent nature and feelings associated with falling and being in love are common. It has nothing to do with age. Agreed the heart rules more than the mind when younger, but the need to love and be loved is universal. It’s a basic human need. Why are older adults required to control their feelings? Why are they required to act their age? Why are they required to not get carried away by love – a phenomenon considered fleeting, only for them? On the contrary, they can be much more mature, consistent and sincere in love. Their enriched life experiences put them on a sounder footing of love. They can be better lovers. One of the main reasons why marriages in our country lose their essence is because once married for a certain number of years, love and romance take a back seat. The biggest mistake most couples make by prioritizing everything but love between them.

It is our perception and conditioning to behave in a ‘certain’ way once we pass the so-called age of love. Is there actually an age to love? Teenagers can fall in (and out of) love at their whims and fancies. People in their twenties have a right to love too. May be thirties is still acceptable for love. But the moment one enters one’s forties, it’s almost a full stop. Time to give up the good things in life. Fifties and onwards almost resonate a renunciation phase. Love totally unimaginable. Sad but true!

My trips to the west always leave me enamoured by their world of happiness. Nothing stops them from being themselves. They enjoy every phase of life without any inhibitions. ‘Age is just a number’ is believed and lived to the fullest. Whether a shift in career or relationship, they don’t let themselves be controlled by external factors. Of course, their society is different from ours. Such landmark changes are not frowned upon. But ours is changing too. Only last week at one of the conferences attended, my hexagenerian co-therapist was on her way to buy a valentine’s gift for her husband of four years and she was all upbeat about it. She said it took her ages to get out of a bad marriage but finally found the love of her life. She wanted to enjoy the last few decades blissfully. I was pretty touched hearing her little yet big life and love story.

Valentine day’s celebrations – no prerequisites required…

The role of Emotional Quotient (EQ) has been firmly established. It has been proved after decades of research that EQ is ‘that’ critical factor which sets successful people apart. It is ‘the’ parameter for an effective life – personal or professional.

Although EQ is intangible, the way in which we manage our behaviour, relationships and decision making, can reflect the level of our EQ. Unfortunately, there aren’t very many tests to measure EQ unlike IQ because of its intangible nature. However, there are certain characteristics of people with high EQ. A low down on these can help one understand how relationships and EQ are correlated.

Vast emotional vocabulary is a sign of high Emotional Intelligence. A person with high EQ can express and understand varied emotions. This can help foster a strong relationship, since emotions are the basis of all relationships, particularly intimate ones. EQ gives an insight into how one feels, what triggers the feeling and how to respond rather than react to the triggered feelings –  a guaranteed relationship facilitator.

People with high EQ are very adaptable and are open to any change. Their flexibility helps them in their relationships since it gets rid of any rigidity and closemindedness.

This is my favourite characteristic. I have experienced that people with high EQ are very difficult to offend. They are unruffled by things thanks to their self-confidence. Their sense of humour helps them take a situation lightly. No seriousness at play. So, when things are not taken personally – the art of taking everything in one’s stride is always a boon for any relationship. But at the same time, they can discriminate humour from degradation.

Self-control is another quality which distinguishes a highly emotionally intelligent person from the rest. Such a person believes in delayed gratification if required and impulsive avoidance. This can go a long way in dealing with all kinds of relationships. Patience is a form of this characteristic. Couples who exercise self-control and patience are always doing great in their intimate space.

High EQ also means that one doesn’t seek perfection all the time. One realizes that imperfection is real and that perfection is a myth which never exists. With such a mindset, its always easier to accept one’s partner and focus on the positives rather than the negatives.

Emotionally Intelligent people are content with what they have rather than what they don’t. Gratitude is ingrained for they always count their blessings. This attitude makes two people in a relationship grateful for each other.

This one may sound a little off track but people with high EQ can easily disconnect. They realize the importance of taking out time for themselves. Whether at work or in a relationship, they don’t make themselves available 24×7 since that’s a sure way of inducing stress. To have a stress-free relationship it becomes imperative to regularly breakaway for some time.

Negativity is nipped in the bud since it can breed toxic thoughts which in turn can lead to adverse actions or reactions. Emotionally Intelligent people will always focus on the brighter side. A tendency which works very well personally and otherwise.

Last but not the least, people with high EQ are never dependent on external factors for their happiness. They never make the source of their happiness anything but themselves. With this approach, two people in love are never insecure, possessive or jealous as far as their relationship goes.

Intelligence Quotient can be genetic, but EQ can certainly be developed. All one needs to do is imbibe the aforesaid traits and practise them. After all, high EQ is responsible for our Relationship Quotient.

“I told you not to watch television for so long.” You are on your tablet all the time, then what do you expect?” “Henceforth I am going to take back your cell phone.” Any guesses for this reference to context? These are some common dialogues heard at school Parent Teacher Meetings (PTM). While I await my turn to hear about my son’s progress, there’s a beeline of over enthusiastic parents glued in front of the teachers to know about their child. General questions range from “is my child studying well, to how much did he/she score in the reviews, to why did he/she get half, one or two marks less in a particular subject?” Here the emphasis is more on the lost marks rather than the excellent aggregate marks scored.

Any negative feedback from the teacher and there’s a flurry of instant nagging, scolding and reproaching. It is the parent who is responsible for getting a child addicted to television. Children imbibe what they see. The irony being parents are so fond of watching television that they can’t let go of their favourite programme and expect the child to not watch. The latest gifting trend for primary school children is a cell phone or a tab. Why is it so difficult for some parents to realize that their generosity is instrumental in getting the children hooked on to these gadgets?

I fail to understand why the focus is always on the child’s academic achievements?  Why are examinations the only parameter of success in life, that too at a stage and age where it hardly matters? Agreed, it is essential to score well in grades ten and twelve, for that is the pathway to higher education, paving way for one’s career. But what about lower grades? Children are burdened with long school hours. On top of that they have tons of homework. And still the parents want them to study more. This is unfair on the children. They have a right to just be. Do whatever they enjoy. If they are left with no time on their own how would they develop their hobbies and interests? How would they know what skills they have? It has been proved that if children are bored, parents shouldn’t intervene for the boredom helps them become creative. But with most children today, where is the time to be bored when they hardly have any time for themselves?

Formative years are the years to develop a child’s emotional intelligence. With due respect to parents who have a single-track mind to focus only on their child’s academics, are low on emotional quotient themselves. They not only torment the child, but unconsciously psych themselves up as well. As if that is not enough, academic achievements are discussed with other parents and comparisons made. Not academic but emotional intelligence will help these children deal with tremendous stresses and pressures when they face the world. If their emotions are treated with indifference or negligence in childhood, they would have a hard time coping with life in general – be it in their careers or relationships.

Childhood is a miniscule part of one’s life. Children have every right to live it to the fullest. Beautiful childhood can lead to a beautiful mind. An unhappy childhood on the other hand can leave scars forever. Let’s help our children make beautiful memories…