28 Jun

Divorce – end of a marriage, not the end of the world

The D word in a marriage is always synonymous with depression, stress, coping etc. A phenomenon perceived as one of the most traumatic experiences of one’s life, may not be so disturbing once the dust settles. Nobody enters a marriage, thinking they would end up with a breakup. The person one dreams of spending the rest of one’s life with, is no longer going to stay together. The vacuum it creates may trigger feelings of worthlessness, frustration, financial crunch and so much more. The pain because of an impending or post-divorce can be deep, leaving one feel devastated and shattered. While this holds true for most of the divorces, there are ‘good’ divorces’ too. It may sound paradoxical, but with changing times, divorce trends are changing too.

It is not etched in stone that the process of divorce must be distressing. It can be a pleasant experience if one consciously decides to tread that path with an open mind and heart. But thanks to the wrongly conditioned mindsets of people, this practice is not very prevalent. People lack the basic ability to objectively look at their relationships.  The reality check on their marriage – the acceptance that something is wrong beyond repair and that divorce is the only way forward is seldom realized. More out of a deliberate attempt to deny the truth. When couples accept the state of their marriage, it becomes easier to deal with the inevitable.

If the process of a legal breakup starts on a negative wicket, what follows will only get more bitter. It is not about two individuals uncoupling, it’s also about the other family members involved and affected. This warrants the need for a pleasant and friendly split. Also with child/children custody battles and alimony/maintenance issues encompassing the enmeshed relationship, it is very important to part ways in a way that can resolve sensitive issues amicably.  Just because one couldn’t get along with one’s partner, doesn’t make him/her a bad individual or a human being and certainly not one’s enemy. It’s all about not wasting one’s precious life in an unhappy relationship. Psychology proves that no matter what, if one doesn’t feed the feelings of resentment and contempt generated from a relationship gone sour, negative feelings are never multiplied. The psychological barrier of hatred and blame is thus unshackled.

Lessons in divorce, rather a ‘good’ divorce can be plenty. One just needs to focus on the brighter side. So many of my clients have been able to find themselves, realized their strengths and potential and discovered the joy of peace and freedom. If it can’t be a ‘win-win’ situation, it can at least be – ‘you gain some, you lose some.’ If couples resolve to work through it together, it can culminate into a beautiful new found equation.  As someone very rightly said, “resolve and thou art free”.

Last but not the least, forgiveness is always a choice. The choice to forgive yourself or your partner. If one leaves one’s wounded or fragile ego, hurt and pride aside, the other side of forgiveness can be immensely blissful and liberating. And it’s not about the other person. It’s about you washing away the remnants of the past. For divorce, may be the end, but also a new beginning and you don’t want to keep living in the past.

 

21 Jun

Finding happiness, the wrong way…

Why is it that despite being in a committed relationship or married, one is not satisfied with the partner for either want of more love and affection or for more attention? After all, this was the same relationship that gave one everything to feel happy once upon a time.  One may get extravagant and end up shopping. The shopped stuff may remain unopened in the bag for days together, without even giving it one glance after purchasing it. Similarly, one may land up a dream job. But on getting it, the feelings may change. One may question the decision to take it up – if it was something that one really wanted in the long term?  Why do these nagging thoughts keep haunting the mind?

In the process of seeking happiness, one ends up changing one’s external factors – the partner, things or jobs, thinking that’s where one’s ultimate happiness resides. Which of course is not true. The first and foremost thing one needs to do to fill the emptiness within is to change the way one feels about everything. And that starts by loving one’s self. When one loves oneself, inner peace and happiness can be in harmony with the outside world and it does not become a medium to receive the sought contentment through it. Loving oneself also includes living a life that speaks volumes of who one really is without proving anything to anyone.

Learning to love oneself is powerful yet people end up loving themselves the wrong way. There are some misguided approaches people pursue to feel happy about themselves and their life. These don’t work since it’s not something intrinsic. In terms of relationships, one keeps searching for that perfect partner. Relying on another person to make one feel happy is a non-starter. If one doesn’t love oneself, one won’t be able to feel loved by anyone else. No amount of showered love would be enough to feel whole and healed at times. Another fallacy lies in resorting to pleasing behaviour to seek approval from others. That may make one feel drained. People often say ‘yes’ when they mean ‘no’ only to create mental turmoil, since that’s not what they are at the core. Again, thinking that spending money on oneself to quick fix a mood disorder, can only lead to momentary gratification. A dream job with all its prerequisites can feel futile if one is not able to do justice to it by putting one’s passion and hard work into it. And both these come from within. Can never be forced upon.

Loving oneself doesn’t require as much effort as it takes to make someone else love you. All you need to do is to not hide your true self from others, particularly close loved ones. This would drastically improve your relationships. It will also make you feel confident and at peace with who you are as a person. Doesn’t mean you should either put up with or showcase negative behavioural traits or qualities and expect it to be accepted. Loving yourself can be the most transformative thing you can do to improve your life – a process which must start from deep within and not superficially. If you continue to depend on other person/thing to make you feel accepted and happy, no matter what you do will never feel enough. Love yourself to be loved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

14 Jun

Smile and no one will rile or vile

Emphasizing the benefits of laugher last week has helped me realize one more thing – many people are struggling to even smile these days. People always look beautiful when they smile. Then why is it very easy for some to smile while very difficult for others? For a lay person, the analysis would be simple – one would smile when happy and wouldn’t when not. Are feelings and smile correlated? Do people always smile only when happy? I don’t think so. There are people who smile regardless of what their state of mind is. Is it really a difficult proposition to smile? Smiling when happy is a given – a universal given. But to smile when things are not perfect is something commendable.

The art lies in smiling despite all the odds. Let’s not even consider the odds. Nobody has his/her happiness index at the peak all the time. Monotony marks the lives of one and all. The beauty lies in smiling through the mundane, the monotonous. Waiting for the right or happy circumstances for the lips to curve rightly is not fair. Smile as we all know doesn’t cost a thing. So, why then this stinginess?

I am always enamoured by people who can smile through anything and everything. People who smile are much more positive in life as opposed to the ones who hardly smile. Such people can handle any adversity. Even between couples, I have seen, for so many partners smiling is a challenge. They constantly wear a sullen look on their face as if carrying the burden of the world. One of the partners showcasing remorse or resentment by being grave all the time is very common. They get so used to this pattern of behaviour that it becomes very difficult for them to get out of this annoying habit of either being grumpy or sad. They only radiate negativity. The value of smile should never be underestimated, especially in relationships. The pleasantness it generates is second to none.

A sweet simple smile can change the environment at home. Whether a couple is living on their own, or with family, a smile can transform the atmosphere and manifest pleasant feelings in all the members of the family. The most effective nonverbal mode of communication. Whatever the reason/s for distress, a smile is not only a message for others but for one’s own self. A smiling person always feels happier than the non-smiling one. People wearing long faces seldom realize that in the process of wanting to let the other person feel responsible for their grouchiness, they end up feeling miserable themselves. It can take a terrible toll on their mental wellbeing.

It has been proved that despite not feeling happy if one looks in the mirror and smiles for a few seconds, one immediately starts feeling better. An induced smile is better than no smile at all. Stanley Gordon West very rightly said, “Smile and the world will smile with you”.

Smile is like a universal elixir. Use it to see how it can transform yourself, your world and your relationships.