Monthly Archives: December 2018

As we ring in the new year in a few hours, it’s time to restart the clock and reset our goals – so, the cliched thinking chides us to believe and practice. You may want to promise yourself to lose weight, to get a new job, to wean yourself off the social media, perhaps? Like promises, resolutions are meant to be broken. Let’s throw our bucket list of resolutions out of the window and tread afresh on an alternative pathway.

Give up the idea of wanting anything to happen in the New Year.  Your only goal should be to set a goal to have no goals. Especially if you don’t want to be at the same place every year end, thinking the same thoughts and feeling the same feelings, have no resolutions. Just get into the mode of being present and positive. By adopting this approach, you will almost do everything you are supposed to do when its supposed to be done. Delete the “I must” from your vocabulary.  Going with the flow sometimes is the best way rather than saddling yourself with unnecessary pressure. You can remain open to any possibility and receptive to any change that comes your way. Don’t deny yourself the compassion for your failings.

None of us know what the future holds. Its beautiful to see it unfold at its own pace. Setting the same resolutions every year is a futile exercise. The cycle only perpetuates disappointment. – why you couldn’t lose that weight or change that job or were not successful in having that meaningful relationship? You had your reasons. Its time to stop forcing yourself, stop making empty promises, stop living through the expectations of others.

The moment you stop piling pressure on yourself to fulfil goals you are not totally committed to, you are giving yourself the much-deserved break to stop and get mindful enough to appreciate the things around. This break helps you to do some self-actualisation. You don’t need a new year to restart or reset your goals. Once you look within, you will realize you are reborn and you have come out of the shackles of time – you have set yourself free.

Being HERE and not THERE is the way to live.  Get over your mind’s predictions and estimations about the new year. Happy New Year!

I am looking forward to Christmas tomorrow. I love the festivities around every festival. Every year when Navratri gets over, my spirits are dampened. But there is Diwali to look forward to. That too comes and goes. Christmas is my solace thereafter – my new source of happiness. Although my sources keep changing my happiness remains constant. Christmas is followed by Uttrayan. In a nutshell, there is always something to look forward to.

Looking forward to something gives a high according to the Psychology of Happiness. Anticipation of something and savouring the wait leads to a feeling of positivity. Happiness is something which lies within but must be fed with some external stimuli. So, if you are a sports freak, you can look forward to various tournaments to keep you going. if you are a social butterfly, you can keep planning and organizing different gatherings.

When you organize a wedding, anniversary or a birthday party, the preparations are as enjoyable as the main occasion and the excitement is always more. We are happier in the anticipation than in remembering the actual experience. It is anticipation that generates happiness and ultimately a sense of well-being.

When you learn to appreciate the value of looking forward to things, it can also give a boost to your relationships. Adopting this approach helps you look at the dynamics of your relationships differently. For example, you may have fought with your partner. But when you look forward to making up with him/her, it changes your attitude towards your partner and thus dilutes the bitterness of the dispute. You spend your energy on resolving the differences. The very thought of making up can make you feel wonderful.

Looking forward to something can keep you focussed and thereby helps you to refrain from focussing on anything unsolicited or undesirable. You are away from all the negativity. You can stay motivated and enthusiastic. An envisaged future always makes the present worthwhile. So, what are you looking forward to? It doesn’t have to be only the bigs like your graduation, new job, engagement, wedding, birth of your baby et. al. but also the smaller aspects of life – 2019 cricket world cup, the spring, a coffee meet, a family re-union, a holiday, an excursion, a new book, a newly mastered language… ?

Merry Christmas!! (I am already looking forward to planning the New Year’s Eve).

Unlike in the west where people marry and divorce multiple times, the statistics here are much better. Divorce rates have gone up but all in all it is still believed marriages are for keeps.Despite several social changes, marriage is still considered a sacrosanct institute. Women have started voicing their opinions, thoughts and feelings,unlike before. Also, divorce no longer happens to be a taboo and societal outlook towards it has thawed.  Moreavenues with accessibility to find new partners without a scramble is possible now.

There’s a difference between venting and whining. There are people who seem to complain endlessly while in their marriage or committed in their relationship.  Influenced by several external stimuli, these are the people who belong to the technology driven era of today. Anything read, seen or heard on the social media or the internet triggers their cantankerous nature. Whatever they view results in what they imbibe – regardless of whether it is worthy of it or not. Unreasonable expectations stem from overdose of the social media. Comparisons rise at pandemic rates. Resultant disappointments play havoc with the minds and eventually take a toll on the mental health.

“There is no spark in our marriage”, “he/she doesn’t stimulate me as before”, “our physical intimacy has taken a beating” or “my friend/colleague understands me more than my spouse” are some common outbursts. Such people refuse to accept the reality. No marriage is a perfect mix after a certain stage. But with time, what it offers is streets ahead of what’s gone by. It’s very easy to complain but, it’s not very difficult to understand and analyse either. Trying to emulate romantic couples on the social media is a hogwash. Instead of focussing on what’s lacking, concentrating on what it offers can increase the net worth of any relationship. Any marriage ultimately becomes a comfort zone – a zone taken for granted by most. Only when it is endangered, does one realize the value of it. Every marriage is about getting used to one’s spouse. Certain habits become a ritual. Nonverbal communication marks the tone – nothing is said yet done or understood.

There comes a time when a spouse understands you or rather puts up with you much more than your parents or siblings. You may grumble about your marriage, but it is your happy space. Let it reflect on your face…

One of the latest relationship slangs is curving. Curving can be used in different contexts but its normally used to convey a disinterest in someone who is bidding for affection. It also means to reject someone. ‘Curvers’ have a smooth way of executing it.  They have mastered the art of walking the thin line between being interested yet being casual about their relationship.

The odds are that it could have happened to you without you having realized it. While in ghosting there is a sudden exit with no explanation, in curving there continues to be a connect. A connect which leaves the person being curved confused and anxious – struggling to fathom the equation of the relationship.

Unlike in ghosting, in curving your texts do get a response but that’s about it. The texts are well crafted and dotted with excuses. Singular “hey” and “k” mark the common response patterns. Questions seldom are a part of their texts. Their ‘sorrys’ for a delayed response on not seeing your missed calls or texts demonstrate their nonchalance. ‘Curvers’ continue to engage with you but only at a superficial level and as per their convenience.

My client had a hard time recovering after being curved by her boyfriend. She used to turn a blind eye to every indicator which came her way. Despite dating her boyfriend and spending a lot of time together, they never had ‘that talk’. Making the relationship official or taking it to the next level was never spoken about. She felt like a couple when with him and felt being loved. But nothing was expressed verbally or in writing. Right from the beginning he would never text or call saying he had a great time after they met. He was never keen to meet her during the week blaming his busy work schedule. When she tried to plan a weekend, he would remain vague. The news about him being promoted at work and his brother getting married were not shared with her. Her disappointment was met with a very casual response citing his absentmindedness. Also, he didn’t want to appear too dependent on her. Hence refrained from sharing anything and everything.

‘Curvers’ can be super subtle or obnoxiously obvious. Either way it is very damaging. Take it as a learning curve and stop getting curved. Stay ahead of the ‘curvers’ – pitch a curve.

What holds the key to a happy long-term relationship? Tolerance. The ability to accept or deal with something one dislikes or disagrees with – the capacity to endure something. Tolerance possesses the characteristic to transform even the worst. It doesn’t mean yielding to pain inflicted repeatedly mentally or physically and shouldn’t be substituted for suffering – for these are two different words with different undertones. Tolerance is the hinge on which even the most precarious marriage can stay.

People’s tolerance has taken a beating. Specially to sustain a marriage, you need tolerance in small things – a struggle for many today.

Intolerance towards your partner’s choices – personal and professional is common. Don’t forget you are one of them and lean to live with them. Criticising your partner for not being a movie buff, for not being that foodie or not being bitten by the travel bug as you, are baseless. Every individual has a right to choose. “She never drinks with me” or “he never comes to my friends’ gatherings” are common rants. The “never” says it all. When you know that he/she doesn’t like something why force them into it?  You can jolly well do without your partner not drinking or not going out with you at certain places. Avoid letting it have an adverse cascading effect on the other areas of your marriage.

Longer the relationship, larger the tolerance – so one would believe. Unfortunately, it is getting inversely proportional. With passing years, tolerance levels are dipping. What was accepted or tolerated earlier is not acceptable any more. It could be a catharsis of long term suppression. It could also stem from some other nagging issues. But even the magnitude of smaller things is magnified and not borne. “I cannot stand your terrible dressing”. “I get so put off when you remove your shoes anywhere”.  “I can’t take your dishevelled hair any more”. Why the intolerance for something which was put up with all these years?

When a relationship loses the spark or lacks the stimulation, intolerance gets into the driver’s seat in the form of boredom or monotony. Anything said or done is seen with contempt or criticism. Do not take your marriage or your partner for granted to an extent where you become an object of his/her intolerance. Be the catalyst to get back the spark. Don’t wait. Go date your mate. Celebrate!