Monthly Archives: August 2017

My very recent talk at Ahmedabad Management Association ended with a flurry of questions from the audience. A regular given, but this time around I found a couple of questions rather puzzling. One of the questions from a gentleman almost tickled my funny bone. He wanted me to tell him what kind of a life partner he should seek. Or if I reproduce his question verbatim, he wanted to know “what kind of an ideal girl should he ‘select’ to get married?” I was expected to answer his question after knowing him for less than a minute, apart from him being a part of the audience.

When advised to see me in a one to one counselling session to understand him and his partner requirements better, he was insistent on an immediate response. I was quite bemused by the fact that had I given him a lowdown on some general key elements essential in a relationship, he would have gone looking for a girl matching those elements, maybe with a torch in his hands, without realizing the compatibility implications.

With due respect to him and his thoughts, his question here is very easy, but the answer is certainly not! There are certain basic factors that should be a part of each relationship. These would  encompass honesty, trust, love et al. But at a micro level, it would be very person specific and depend on what kind of a person one is.

I always maintain opposites attract, only to repel later. It’s very important to find someone who is on the same page with a lot of things if not everything. The core values should always match. Values related to parenting, finances, emotions, sex, religion, morals, ethics – to name a few.  A disconnect in any of these can be a red flag for a relationship.

Marriage or for that matter any intimate relationship is never a bed of roses. Once the initial euphoria dies down and with demystification slowly rising on the horizon, it becomes very imperative to have a partner whom one can relate to. Major as well as minor irritants can snow ball into big scuffles. When familiarity breeds contempt, a right partner can help deal with it. Hence coming back to my original take, one needs to know oneself to know one’s prospective match better. Expectations, without the ability to deliver the same can spell trouble. Many people get disillusioned by their marriage mainly due to their unawareness about themselves which in turn hampers the process of getting hitched or involved with the right person.

So, before dreaming of an ideal marriage with an equally ideal life partner, one needs to do some self-introspection and discover what lies within, to be able to tap the right qualities in one’s partner. After all, you want to seek the right life partner the right way. Right or wrong?

Have you ever felt that you shouldn’t have said what you did to your partner in more than one situation? How do you undo something already done? And you wish you hadn’t said it because it ended up pushing him/her away. Words and action have equal power to either pull a partner close or drive him or her away.

Normally all relationships start out great, but fade later with the partner only being half there. They lose interest – forget to call, text etc. Affection and attention become rare. It turns a dream into a nightmare.

Turning things around require fixing a few behavioural patterns. Given today’s modern times, it is very common for people to chase their love. But chasing brings along over functioning, over giving and over nurturing. The person in target takes the centre stage in one’s life. This is the worst mistake that most people make. They cannot see anything beyond them. While the relationship and this person should be the priority, it shouldn’t take a toll on other areas of one’s life. It should rub on to other areas of one’s life beautifully and positively. But the obsession of focussing singularly on this person can make a relationship stifling. Most people take an imaginary relationship as a real one. The one in which they feel they are already there even before getting an indication from the other person that he/she is on the same level on the relationship timeline. The entire relationship is based on false presumptions. The truth is, no amount of presumption or assumption can work. It only results in turning someone away.

One of the factors responsible here is one’s feelings. When they get out of hand and cannot be controlled. The important thing here is to know the difference between what one feels and what one does.  It is not always possible to control one’s feelings. Feelings are the compass to one’s relationships. Feelings trigger emotions. It is very necessary to convey what one feels.  Problem sets in not when expressing one’s feelings or emotions, but expecting him/her to reciprocate the same feelings. This expectation can drive a person away. Since it results in pressure not love.

Showing continual interest in someone is a great way to exhibit one’s seriousness, especially when one is not on the same page with one’s partner and when the partner’s interest seems to be dwindling.  One can be proactive in giving undivided attention to revive his/her interest or to getting them commit, but beyond that if it doesn’t work, it certainly is not worth it. But before giving up completely the only thing to do is to step back. After doing what one had to, it is time to retract since it’s not fetching the right outcome. This is hard to practise but it works. Once done, one will feel much stronger.  No matter how hard the desperation, stop doing all the giving. The texts, emails, reaching out and your time. Once you do this without making any excuses or playing games, the message is conveyed. Stop initiating contact.  This will give the person some time to reflect upon oneself and the relationship – current or probable. The right person will definitely come back – with a clearer mind this time.