Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

country of control freaks???

It was a college friend’s birthday. Called up to wish her. After the birthday greetings were conveyed, we got talking about the topic that has been monopolizing every conversation these days. According to her, the silver lining of Covid-19 was that she got to be at her parents’. While she was visiting them, the lockdown was announced and she couldn’t return to where her husband and in-laws live. She was at her parents’ for threemonths – first time in her almost thirteen years of marriage. Told her would be good to catch up, if she visited again. And her response is the reason behind this write-up. 

She told me she wasn’t “allowed” to visit her parents more than once a year and would be visiting them next year. I wasn’t appalled by the response, given the nature of my work. I come across many clients controlled by parents, siblings, bosses, spouses and in-laws. But it really made me think. Why are people controlled to such an extent that they don’t evenhave the liberty to take decisions like visiting their own parents?

I’ve had discussions with my friends and fellow work associates who feel one can be controlled only if one lets oneself to be controlled. It’s easier said than done especially for people who feel intrinsically controlled when controlled extrinsically. So, the word here should be ‘exploited’ rather than controlled. 

In my friend’s case, she belongs to a very conservative family. Before marriage she was controlled by her parents and two elder brothers. After marriage, by her husband and in-laws and if I see through a crystal ball, I can see her being controlled by her grown up child in the future. May be she can put up with the restrictions because she is used to all the restraints right from her childhood. She probably has never experienced zero ruling. Her conditioning probably helps her muddle through all the controls that come her way. Doesn’t mean she is happy. She reminisced the college days and said those were the best days of her life and wish she could turn back the clock to those days.

Why is personal freedom so expensive in our country, especially for women? Although there are men who are oppressed and controlled too. In the case of women, despite the education, they are “not allowed” to work. If they don’t work, where will the financial independence come from? Well, even financially independent women don’t always have a say in their marriage. I have clients who give away their salaries to their husbands. And have to ask for money for their expenses. I do find fault with such women who don’t stand up for themselves. But it’s also not always a cake walk for them. Would walking out of a controlling marriage give them their freedom? Not always. If they go back to their parents’, they would be controlled by them. And for women who are not financially independent, they don’t have too much choice. Ihave no words for such husbands and/or in-laws capitalizing on the financial dependence and exploiting their wife/daughter in law. I see so many young adults controlled by their parents. Even married sons in the family business have to ask permission to take their wives out or on holidays or buy them some gifts.  

The tendency to own and control another person comes from a very toxic mindset which needs help. Despite their controlling nature and having controlled other people, these are the same people who come to therapy the most – rather than the ones who are controlled. Ironic! The mentality to control – the overt and covert ways of control, spoil relationships. Let go of control to save your relationship from going out of control.

The other day I gave a ride to a lady and her mother in law who stay in the house across. Her mother in law very proudly shared that her daughter in law too could drive, but was “not allowed” to drive by the men in the family.

I wish EVERYONE is ALLOWED to spread their wings and soar beyond the stars…

I know it can be very painful to see a relationship that started off so well, go down the tubes. One of my recent clients told me that his girlfriend had stopped being her old loving self and he was feeling miserable about it. He was neither able to sleep nor eat. He had been crying all day and wanted to get out of this phase of suffering which his girlfriend had subjected him to. I didn’t agree there. In fact, he was the one who’s inflicting so much pain on himself.

All human beings are like rubber bands. They tend to run hot and cold in different degrees, depending on their genetic and environmental constitution. And this tendency which is seen more in intimate relationships, can keep you off balance. So, my client’s girlfriend may have her reasons to pull away. May be her personal reasons kept her from sharing them with him. Some people are not wired to share their problems with others. May be, she was feeling too suffocated in her relationship and needed some time on her own. Everyone does. The reasons can be many. Instead of taking things personally and giving time, people start presuming it’s over and that can cause more damage to the relationship.

The biggest mistake that most people make when their partners withdraw, is they start feeling insecure and start scouting for more attention from them. Why did he/she pull away? How can someone pull away in the most loving relationships? If pulling away happens often in your relationship, you need to understand, it’s a disposition of that person. As long as they return to you, you should feel secure and confident. But instead of doing that, most partners start thinking and working in an overdrive, as if the pulling away triggers some insecurity. This very insecurity makes them push more towards their withdrawn partners, which puts them off further, which in turn makes them pull away more. It becomes a vicious cycle.

Your love and warm presence is enough to keep the relationship going when your partner withdraws. Give him or her sometime to get over it. Do not presume that you are the reason for their withdrawal. Even if you are, just give it time. if you don’t, you will spoil the chances of it getting back to normal. After all no one likes a parasite. Do not get stifled in your relationship. Breathe and let breathe. Give and take space for your relationship to blossom.

Whether you are a control freak or at the receiving end of control, you are wielding control in some form. Listen to this podcast to find out about different ways of controlling. A relationship can never blossom to its optimum potential in the presence of control. Sagarika Shah, Co-founder, Psychologist and Relationship Therapist, Thought Counsel is here to share her insights on mental wellness and relationships. sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com https://www.thoughtcounsel.com

I don’t want you to go out for drinks with your friends on a Friday night. Why did your spend your money on something you already have. I don’t want you to wear that outfit. Do these sound familiar and reflect your partner’s controlling behaviour?

But you are not like them, since you don’t tell them what to do and what not to do. Instead, you are very sweet and nice. You go out of your way to do things for them just to please them. You don’t demand anything. You are always accessible. You are neither critical nor curious. You weigh your words before you speak. When you feel low, you deal with it on your own. You don’t let your partner smooth things over.

 If you agree with any of these things that I just said, you are controlling too. Shocked or shell shocked?

There are two types of control. Overt and covert. When we try to control what people do, its an overt form of control and when we try to control how people feel about us and react to us, it’s a covert form of control. Very often, unconsciously we try to control our partner’s feelings and reactions towards us. Its easier to see overt behaviour rather than the covert ones like sulking, being sugary sweet or sugar-coating words, getting dramatic or manipulative, deceptive, lying, dismissive, sarcastic etc.

Covert control tries to navigate the way a person mostly a partner feels and responds. Everyone has some sort of controlling behaviours and it comes from one’s childhood experiences. It comes from one’s need to be loved and to avoid pain. So, we either tell others what to do or we try to influence how others react to us by showcasing a people pleasing attitude at the cost of discarding our own needs.

If you try to put yourself last in your world of prioritization, or try to be extra nice, you are trying to control how others feel about you. You want your partner or people around to know how agreeable you are, so that they wouldn’t leave you. Probably that’s the only way you can have them around you. There is an unconscious motive behind this control style. This can have a negative effect on your relationship.  When we abandon our own needs and try to please our partner, it can backfire if we don’t get the reaction that we want. Because we are soliciting a behaviour that we want. But that would only lead to resentment and conflicts in a relationship.

Everyone needs to realize how any form of control can ruin a relationship.

What’s your form of control?

Marriages are made in heaven but why does it stop feeling heavenly soon after one is married? Why do some people feel they are in hell? Listen to me to find out more. Sagarika Shah, Co-founder, Psychologist and Relationship Therapist, Thought Counsel is here to share her insights on mental wellness and relationships. sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com https://www.thoughtcounsel.com

Today I have some very important message for all my listeners/viewers/readers about marriage. For all those who aren’t married, what is your idea of a marriage? For all those who are already hitched, what drove you to that decision to commit? This is Sagarika Shah and I am going to share some insight about marriage based on my knowledge, experience and interactions with my clients.

To begin with, people have a very wrong notion about marriage. If you are in love with someone and decide to get married, why would you do it? Because your family wants you to, your partner wants you to or because you want to? Now, why do you want to get married?  The biggest problem is that majority of people tie the knot with some distorted knowledge at play. They get married with a lot of expectations and dreams. And when those fail to get realized, problems crop up. Marriage is a bed of roses, only for the first few months. And couples themselves are responsible for transforming that bed into thorns. The unrealistic ideals they hold lead to marital distress.

People especially, those in marriageable age brackets need to get a little realistic about what they are getting into. We all know, love is blind and that it can blind you from the reality. But we also know that marriage is an eyeopener. Now, instead of waiting for the eyes to open after getting married, why not see that a marriage is not about only love and romance, right from the time you start thinking about getting serious in your relationship?

 Clients who come to me complain how their partners let them down. Different couples have different issues like, “My husband is not as romantic as he used to be, or My wife over spends. Our children are not raised properly by my parents in law. We don’t find time for ourselves. He returns late from work. She is too busy looking after the baby that I feel ignored”. Now, these according to me are not problems. These are the things which every married couple goes through. Instead of perceiving these as problem areas, I advise my clients to realise these are the reality of marriage. No marriage is immune to these kinds of issues.  

If you enter a wedlock prepared that its going to take a lot of efforts to make it work with your partner and to handle the challenges it will offer, you will be on a good wicket. For you won’t be disappointed by your expectations and it won’t feel as if your dreams have defeated you.

Acceptance about the reality can change your perception about marriage. Conflicts in your marriage will go down drastically. You will be well armed to deal with yourself, your spouse and the situation you are in. Marriage can be a beautiful union, provided you are realistic about the institution you are already into or on the verge of getting into.

Have you been euphoric after a splendid date that you just can’t get over it n can’t stop thinking about it?
has it made you lose sleep over it? a wonderful time at a date may not mean the same thing
to him or her as it feels to you. Can you recollect those dates in the past which resulted in you been ghosted
or slow faded out of it. This is Sagarika Shah here and i am going to help you understand the basics of dating
that can protect you from unrealistic expectations and disappointment.

So,did an amazing date make u feel connected brilliantly – emotionally and physically? And you thought the feelings were mutual
and reciprocated.
you were told you were phenomenal. Maybe, both of you discussed a future together and how lucky and blessed were you
two to have met each other. Probably you never felt this way before and this was the perfect mix you were waiting for.
But suddenly this person who was so into you disappears. What do you do? Think about a thousand reasons to find out the reason
for the disappearance. What could have possibly been the reason for such a retreat?
Did something you say or do go against you? was that person lying when saying things about you and your relationship?
How could you have been fooled by someone who sounded so convincing? Why would someone come on strongly only to exit without a reason?
But the bottomline is that such things happen and they happen pretty often.especially when the closeness increases too soon,
and it gives you a too good to be true kind of a feeling, you need to focus on the longer view.
What you need to realize is that when someone wants something serious and not frivolous with you, you would know it with
conviction. you will receive some form of communication after the date or if you have taken the lead to communicate,
you would know from the response that another date is on the horizon, real soon. you would plan to keep an evening or
a weekend free to meet up again. this is how its supposed to work when someone’s really serious about you. its not just talks,
its action.
Hence it doesn’t really matter if you have had a mindblowing date, but if you are left waiting for days after it, it’s only gonna blow you away literally. All you need to remember is that there is no correlation between what a person says on a date and what a person feels. I am not saying
that the person who said all good things was not quite deceiving you. Probably they were driven by the moment which made them say all beautiful
things. But those feelings were not good enough to last. The dynamics shared were not long term. You need to accept that people operate differently and experience dating differently.
Do not jump to conclusion till you have dated a person a few times. Say 4-5 times. If a person disappears in a couple of dates,
you ought to know, that person was not cut out to court you. looking beyond the first few dates is the key to having a happy relationship.
So, even if the first couple of dates were amazing, the conversations flowed, it clicked at various levels and the chemistry was super,
you need to understand, it may or may not be promising. Only after meeting a person quite a few times can help you understand the intentions
of a person about you.whether you are taken seriously or just as a casual hook up.

Falling in love can be easy, but to remain in love can be not so easy. To find out more listen to this podcast on Happiness & Relationships. Sagarika Shah, Co-founder, Psychologist and Relationship Therapist, Thought Counsel is here to share her insights on mental wellness and relationships. sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com https://www.thoughtcounsel.com

Does your partner continue to look a lot like the person you fell in love with, head over heels? If not, you need to know why. This is Sagarika Shah and I welcome you to another episode on Happiness and Relationships. If your relationship doesn’t seem as easy as before, here’s what you need to listen to.

Recollect those moments when things used to be perfect between the two of you. Do you still relish being in each other’s company or does your time together get wasted on cribbing, complaining, arguing and assuming? Do you feel secure in your relationship or do you get jealous and insecure? do you wonder why you feel the way you do? After all isn’t falling in love supposed to lead to a healthy relationship? Do you think mutual acceptance, harmony and security should be a given in an intimate relationship?

Astonishing as it may sound, but the essence of an intimate relationship creates conditions to breed conflict and negative feelings. In simpler words, a close relationship reflects your vulnerability which can bring out the worst in you and your partner. this vulnerability in every sense will make your partner know everything about you. It offers an opportunity to be completely known. And this can make or mar your relationship.

Let me explain. At the onset of a relationship, you are at your best behaviour. You put your best foot forward. But you can do that only for so long. Sooner or later, you can’t help showing your true colours – the real you, with all your quirks and foibles.

So, as a relationship moves forward, and as the closeness increases, the fear of revealing your true self invokes an underlying discomfort – which can come in your way of opening up and  You feel forced  keep things to yourself and not share with your partner. This often triggers behaviours that can destroy a relationship. that includes fault finding, picking fights, either pulling away or pushing for more.

Hence, I always maintain that be yourself in a relationship, if you want it to be constant. If you want it to be the way it used to be when it started. When you are brutally yourself you don’t give any scope for the relationship to deteriorate. You can’t really compare the good with the not so good. When you stop being what you projected early on in a relationship your partner is going to miss that you, he/she fell in love with and won’t be able to stop comparing you with the initial you – be yourself, continue to dote on your partner and see your relationship blossom and remain blossomed.

Are you fed up with yours partner’s emotional outbursts? Do you feel drained fixing your relationship? Are you constantly striving to stay afloat in your relationship? This episode will guide you to transform your relationship drastically. Sagarika Shah, Co-founder, Psychologist and Relationship Therapist, Thought Counsel is here to share her insights on mental wellness and relationships. sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com https://www.thoughtcounsel.com

Do you experience a lot of drama in your relationship? does your partner throw you off balance as far as the reactions are concerned? Do they over react at the drop of a hat? This is Sagarika shah and welcome to another episode on happiness and relationships. Today I’m going to talk about a very important skill which can transform your relationship completely.

The best predictor of whether y relationship will last or not depends on the emotional parameter that both partners possess. When you cannot regulate your emotions, and everything becomes an issue, you are creating a lot of drama in the relationship unnecessarily. It equally hard to be in a relationship with someone who overreacts to almost anything and everything and you are left wondering what’s going to make them set off again. Its just impossible to figure what the emotional trigger is. it could be something insignificant or inconsequential. When you must constantly weigh each word that you say out of mere fear that your partner would blow up at you, the emotional parameter needs to be in place.

Having an emotional parameter would set your boundaries to regulate your emotions in a way that would create space between your feelings and your responses. How to respond because of your feelings resulting from strong emotions, is a skill you need to learn.

how do you develop your emotional parameter? Its very simple. All you need to do is ask yourself, if you can make your emotions stronger, why can’t you make it weaker? The key lies in your hands. You can in fact get rid of your unwanted emotions. First and foremost, by taking responsibility for your emotions, you get a step closer to achieving your emotional parameter. By taking a few seconds, say about 10, to respond can change the tone of your emotions. The ability to give and receive feedback on each other’s responses/over reactions is another way to stabilise the emotions – provided both the partners are open to criticism. After all you can’t really crib about your partner’s behaviour by saying why do you always create a drama? There are high chances of him/her becoming defensive. Many times, a heart to heart conversation also doesn’t work. By paying attention to your emotions and reactions, you can influence your partner so that they become receptive to change.

It doesn’t really matter if you have wasted months or years over your partner’s emotional outburst. But you can wake up to a brand new relationship if you choose to develop a strong emotional parameter which can guide you to respond and behave in a way that would give you a good chance of getting closer to your partner for ever. So, what are you waiting for? Please write to me on    and tell me what your emotional parameter is?

July 17 was world emoji day. emojis have become a universal language of communication. they play a vital role as far as communication in relationships is concerned. We use emojis to convey our thoughts and feelings. It helps us express in ways that at times reflect our personality.

Emojis can help us either attach meaning to our words or they can replace our words. The way we use them in our communication reflects our inherent nature, characteristics and personality traits. It also talks about the dynamics of a relationship. When emojis support our words, they exhibit a clear form of communication, but when they are used as a replacement, it’s perception becomes subjective and varies from person to person. It can be a little tricky. Especially in intimate relationships, where every word and emoticon received are amplified, its meaning can be misconstrued.

People who use too many emojis are either too expressive or too lazy – depending on whether they use it to attach a meaning or replace words respectively. Everyone usually has a set of favourite emojis to use. Those describe their emotional state, deep feeling, mood index etc. of course, the use of emojis would differ as per the context and situation and sometimes wouldn’t reflect one’s personality traits but a situational response.

Emojis have become basic relationship maintenance tools. People get so used to their partner’s predictable ways of communication, – thanks to the use of emojis. Love, joy, sarcasm, sulk etc can be expressed explicitly. I have a client who is almost phobic about her partner’s style of using emoticons. She gets restless when she sees a specific emojis sent to her. its upsets her to no end and makes her highly insecure.

Well, there are people who use emoticons to dilute the essence of harsh reality, which again talks volumes about them as a person. It shows their compassion and sensitivity. A person using it compulsively indicates frivolity or casualness. There are escapists or tactful people who choose to use emojis to avoid an argument or confrontation. Honest form of communication doesn’t always need emoticons. They shouldn’t be over used and shouldn’t change the flavour of communication – for it can hamper the meaning to be conveyed.

Be mindful about your emoji usage. Do not over do but don’t be stingy either. A smile goes a long way and never hurts. So, the best bet would be to use a smiley, to help you smile and bring a smile on your partner’s face.

Trust is the basis of any relationship. It can make it or break it. Despite a trustworthy partner, are you struggling to trust? Find out more. Sagarika Shah, Co-founder, Psychologist and Relationship Therapist, Thought Counsel is here to share her insights on mental wellness and relationships. sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com https://www.thoughtcounsel.com

Do you find it difficult to trust your partner? If you trust yourself with your partner, your partner will trust you. Now, I am not trying to insist that you trust your significant other. And I  know it’s not as easy for someone who cannot trust easily, given one’s past experiences and conditioning.

Trust in a relationship doesn’t start by you trusting your partner. It starts by you trusting yourself. It begins with a sense that no matter what your partner says or does, you will be alright. Which also means that you won’t put up with any bad or inconsistent behaviour, which makes him or her blow hot and cold, exhibit forms of neglect or disconnection. If you trust yourself, you will be very clear about the boundaries you set. It will make you be yourself around your partner by being warm, open, loving and easy-going. You will have the confidence to be yourself. Haven’t you all experienced that you are completely yourselves with your close friends. You don’t think twice before saying something. But when it comes to your relationships, you make those extra efforts, especially when the relationship is new. Extra efforts to look nice, speak right, do right etc. But those extra efforts can come in the way of building trust.

Now, there’s some psychology behind this. If you are yourself, and accept the way you are, you tend to respect yourself. When you are comfortable in your own skin, you will respect and accept your partner, warts and all. With respect and acceptance comes trust. That’s when you begin to trust each other, and the bond gets deeper and stronger.

Trust to a large extent also depends on the words you use. From childhood everyone is used to hearing, some kind of reproach or nagging from one’s parents, older siblings, teachers, bosses etc. This kind of puts people in a shutdown mode, the moment they feel they are being cornered – by mere sound of one’s partner’s voice. It triggers a feeling as if some kind of a demand or criticism is on the way.

By learning to string your words together which are respectful and non-demanding, and yet be able to communicate effectively – the way you feel, what you need and what you think, would want your partner to get closer to you, because he or she trusts you to the core.