Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

Trust is the basis of any relationship. It can make it or break it. Despite a trustworthy partner, are you struggling to trust? Find out more. Sagarika Shah, Co-founder, Psychologist and Relationship Therapist, Thought Counsel is here to share her insights on mental wellness and relationships. sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com https://www.thoughtcounsel.com

Do you find it difficult to trust your partner? If you trust yourself with your partner, your partner will trust you. Now, I am not trying to insist that you trust your significant other. And I  know it’s not as easy for someone who cannot trust easily, given one’s past experiences and conditioning.

Trust in a relationship doesn’t start by you trusting your partner. It starts by you trusting yourself. It begins with a sense that no matter what your partner says or does, you will be alright. Which also means that you won’t put up with any bad or inconsistent behaviour, which makes him or her blow hot and cold, exhibit forms of neglect or disconnection. If you trust yourself, you will be very clear about the boundaries you set. It will make you be yourself around your partner by being warm, open, loving and easy-going. You will have the confidence to be yourself. Haven’t you all experienced that you are completely yourselves with your close friends. You don’t think twice before saying something. But when it comes to your relationships, you make those extra efforts, especially when the relationship is new. Extra efforts to look nice, speak right, do right etc. But those extra efforts can come in the way of building trust.

Now, there’s some psychology behind this. If you are yourself, and accept the way you are, you tend to respect yourself. When you are comfortable in your own skin, you will respect and accept your partner, warts and all. With respect and acceptance comes trust. That’s when you begin to trust each other, and the bond gets deeper and stronger.

Trust to a large extent also depends on the words you use. From childhood everyone is used to hearing, some kind of reproach or nagging from one’s parents, older siblings, teachers, bosses etc. This kind of puts people in a shutdown mode, the moment they feel they are being cornered – by mere sound of one’s partner’s voice. It triggers a feeling as if some kind of a demand or criticism is on the way.

By learning to string your words together which are respectful and non-demanding, and yet be able to communicate effectively – the way you feel, what you need and what you think, would want your partner to get closer to you, because he or she trusts you to the core.

Emotional health is underestimated universally. It is the basis of mental health. Are you struggling to express? Do you repress your emotions? A balanced emotional state is the key to peace and happiness. And that key lies with you and no one else. Sagarika Shah, Co-founder, Psychologist and Relationship Therapist, Thought Counsel is here to share her insights on mental wellness and relationships. sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com https://www.thoughtcounsel.com

Life is an ocean of waves – a sum of ups and downs. An emotional healthy person will be able to surf through life without getting creamed by a huge, emotionally upsetting wave.

Some people are skilled at steering these complex emotions while others struggle expressing their emotions in a healthy way.

The way one processes emotions depends on the way one is conditioned from childhood.  A person who is used to supressing emotions is not as emotionally healthy as someone who is vulnerable enough to express freely.

People lacking in emotional health show signs of stress easily. It doesn’t take time for them to snap at those around them – it’s as if anger is a part of their coping mechanism. According to the world health organization, low rates of emotional health are directly linked to depression. Repression of emotions has a direct impact on physical and mental health. People who keep disruptive emotions to themselves or those who have distorted ways to express, end up compromising with their wellbeing.

Emotional health is the person’s ability to accept and manage feelings through challenge and change. Emotionally healthy people deal with their emotions objectively. They do so by practising responses rather than reactions. If a boyfriend gets angry about something and yells at his girlfriend saying, “ I want to break up, an emotionally incompetent girlfriend would react saying, “lets break up now, what are you waiting for.” While an emotionally competent girlfriend would respond by saying, “you seem angry right now and I don’t want to argue. Let’s talk about this when you are calmer.” An emotionally unhealthy person would be intimidated easily whereas an emotionally healthy person would be unfazed and be confident about dealing with any kind of eventuality, even if it means breaking up or patching up.

Regardless of how you have been conditioned from your childhood, you can always re learn to express your emotions in a healthy way and thus gain emotional health. The first step towards emotional health is accepting the fact that you need help with your emotions. You can help yourself or seek help from an expert to express effectively. Expression of emotions is like a muscle which can be strengthened anytime you decide. Practising the ability to put words into your emotions will help you release your emotions. It’s a skill which can be gradually developed.

Do you think your partner is difficult? Let’s find if you are correct in your analysis about him/her.

Not getting along with your partner can be painful. Especially after having spent some wonderful time together. Do you feel totally clueless about how to fix your relationship? Blaming your partner for bringing so much grief to you and your relationship is normal and easy. But is that helping? If not, you need to change your approach. How about shifting the focus within and trying to analyse the problem? I am sure you will get some headway.

Do you think things have changed of late because you want something from the relationship which you are not ready to disclose? Are you keeping a secret from your partner because you think it would either hurt or hamper your relationship? Holding back needs, emotions, feelings or a truth – as bitter as it may be, can make both of you to feel on the fence and unsettled. Over time it can lead to distance and difficulties in connecting organically. Authentic and open communication is the basis of a thriving relationship. so, ask yourself, if you are holding back something, which your partner has a sixth sense about.

Another reason why a relationship can go sour is because you don’t pay enough attention to your own feelings. How do you feel right now? What causes those feelings?  People most often try and avoid embracing their feelings by distracting themselves.  Unless you get to the root of your feelings and how to express those feelings to your loved one, you will never be true to yourself, your partner and your relationship. Accept your feelings – warts and all.

When you take responsibility for your feelings and needs, you create an equal playing field. Relationships can be in harmony only among equals. Anything else becomes a power struggle. Break your patterns of blocked emotions and uncover your hidden emotions to restore your relationship.  Only if you can understand yourself fully you can manage the conflicts in your relationship.

Learn to identify what you are feeling and what you need to express to yourself. Once you make these shifts, you will experience a better relationship – provided you are honest about your feelings and emotions to yourself. Based on your feelings, you will be able to reconnect with your partner effortlessly and honestly.

Next time you blame your partner, I am sure your analysis will tell you otherwise.

Corona driven times have erased the difference between weekends and weekdays. But Sundays haven’t lost their charm. They bring along a sense of calm and peace to rewind and rejuvenate. While I was enjoying every bit of my favourite day, I heard some very disturbing news regarding one of my favourite actors – “Sushant Singh Rajput is dead.” I wanted to tell myself, they were confusing his secretary’s death to his. My next reaction was the presumption that maybe corona took away his life, but when I found out the actual reason for his death, I was shell shocked. This write up is a feeble attempt to comprehend and accept the fact that one of the fine actors of the film industry is no more with us. I want to get rid of my overwhelming numbness haunting my mind with several thoughts asking me, why would such a successful young actor take his own life?

Reports say he was under medication for depression. Why was he depressed? Was he financially strained, was he struggling with his intimate relationship or was the uncertainty about his profession that caught him in the web of anxiety? Success, money, fame have nothing to do with a balanced mind. There are many people who are neither successful nor moneyed but are happy. And there are people with fame and money, yet unhappy. This totally discards the premise that materialistic gains promise happiness or mental wellness.

Was Sushant Singh Rajput lonely? Having three siblings, many friends and an intimate relationship would never put someone on the threshold of loneliness. Then, what made him commit suicide? Speculations will be rife about his mental state that drove him to take the extreme step. We probably will never know the correct reason. But my heart goes out to all the people who are in depression or on the brink of it.  I would like to say with all my conviction that a lack of meaningful relationship will make you perceive your life as meaningless. Just because one has many friends or siblings doesn’t mean one cannot feel isolated. Every human being needs the right support system to support oneself. The right set of people make difficult times relatively easier to get through. But do you know, happiness also needs support? Celebrations are incomplete, rather impossible without the presence of people you are close to.

Relatives and friends are always there but it’s difficult to fall back upon them and vice-versa. You can’t be close to all your friends and relatives either. But having at least that one person whom you can speak to, about anything and everything without the fear of being judged is what makes your relationship with that person valuable. And as a result, your life invaluable. It can be your parent, partner, sibling, or a relative. But if for some reason if you can’t have that confidence and comfort to confide or counsel, you need that person. A genuine friendship/relationship, not necessarily intimate can be the biggest coping mechanism and defence mechanism against anything and everything. With a dearth of people who are not honest and straight forward, finding someone who is not critical, manipulative and jealous is difficult. But if you are true to yourself and true in your conduct, you will find that kind of genuineness. Don’t be in a hurry to find that person. Such relationships do not develop overnight. Time will help you find that special someone, who can make your life special.

Many people would look down upon someone’s friendship to an opposite gender, especially if not single. But the friendship you share should be open and transparent, that your conscience would make you proud of it and your partner would never question it.

When death toll from corona is reaching new peaks every day and any death reported is correlated with the pandemic, seeing the rise in the number of suicides is unnerving. please ask your self if you have the capability to deal with any eventuality? Do you have someone who makes you feel good when not feeling good? My last word of advice would be ‘never be a go-to person for someone who is not your go-to person. But that apart, depression is temporary. Don’t let it take away your life permanently.

Sagarika Shah, Co-founder, Psychologist and Relationship Therapist, Thought Counsel is here to share her insights on mental wellness and relationships. sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com https://www.thoughtcounsel.com

The internet has transformed the world. The feeling of having all the information at your finger tips is second to none.

As much as social media is an effective way to grow and learn, personally and professionally,  it is an awful way to get exposed to strangers who can stalk you and bother you, often leading to an unpleasant internet discourse. Online harassment is a very common problem plaguing people across the globe. Celebrities fall prey to intent provoking every now and then. But there are common people, who are not exempted from such inflammatory, extraneous and digressive responses which often take the form of cheap and derogatory remarks.

Individuals who subject people to cyber bullying understand what hurts people. Two very big aspects of their personalities demonstrate narcissism and sadism. A lack of empathy and a need for admiration drives people to narcissistic behaviours. Sadism is a term used for someone who derives pleasure by humiliating or hurting others. Their traits are designed to make people a victim of emotional suffering. Such people deliberately act to irk people with their unsolicited and sometimes cheap comments. It often reflects their perversion.

Loneliness coupled with aggression seem to be another reason why people resort to this kind of behaviour. Its as if they use the internet to vent their frustrations in maladaptive ways. Men are intrinsically more prone to subjecting people to such harassment than women.

How do you deal with such online offenders? The first rule of thumb is to never ever respond to such people or their remarks. Nip it in the bud from day one. responding to them would be akin to feeding their ego or encouraging them to multiply their perpetration. The moment such perpetrators realize their plan is not succeeding in fulfilling their motive, they will be discouraged.

Such people should never discourage you to stop your presence on the internet. You can probably take a technology break if you feel overwhelmed or intimidated. But you also need to realise that for every person troubling you online, there are many more kind-hearted people too. Talking to someone you trust always helps in such a situation. So, do not shy away from sharing your thoughts and feelings. And always remember, its not your fault and you do not deserve this. Do not let it define you let it diminish your worth. It’s not worth it.

Sagarika Shah, Co-founder, Psychologist and Relationship Therapist, Thought Counsel is here to share her insights on mental wellness and relationships. sagarika@thoughtcounsel.com https://www.thoughtcounsel.com

Let me hurl this riddle to you.

If five birds are sitting on a branch and if four decide to fly away, how many are left?

The answer is five. Surprised? Because a decision is never an action. But it highlights one of the crucial aspects of personal growth. Everyone wants to do a lot but how many would actually act in order to do all that?

Given our current pandemic driven situation, everyone is having trouble focussing. The drive and the motivation have taken a beating. As someone very rightly said, “the price of inaction is far greater than the cost of making a mistake.” And we are all making a mistake by not acting, while we are waiting for the storm to pass.

But as Mr Warren Buffet says, be greedy only when others are fearful. The time couldn’t have been better to act, for action is the antidote to almost every challenge. Accept the tough times and move ahead where you can. Do not waste your time over anxiety, stress or fear.

Focus on what you can control, what you can gain and ignore the rest. You will never get this kind of time to invest in your personal development and health. Develop a growth mindset to accelerate your personal growth. What you think, you become. So, a growth mindset will help you push your limits. Mind is a manifesting machine – thoughts manifest into action. So, its up to you, what kind of thoughts you want, to run your mind on. Installing a healthy mindset doesn’t mean you don’t get any negative thoughts, but rather take charge of them and decide which thoughts to entertain and which thoughts to shun.

Unfortunately, we tend to forget that time is our most precious, yet limited asset. In these ‘shut-in’ days, we have had ample time to re-evaluate our priorities in life, a forced introspection to deliberate over our daily 1440 minutes. Time to start with baby steps towards your goal of personal growth. Instead living the life, you are given, start living a life that you want.