Monthly Archives: September 2016

I have seen so many women give up on love after failure of a serious relationship. I know a lady, who after meeting an interesting man, would feel very optimistic about him. There would be mutual attraction and in no time they would be in a relationship. Her initial feeling would be of hope and optimism. But over a period of time, she would be told that he considers her to be only a really good ‘friend’, or would start seeing other women or become less affectionate with time and finally walk out. She would be left nursing a broken heart and the story would repeat itself each time.

It can be very daunting to get into a new relationship each time and that too on a clean slate – without carrying the baggage from the past relationship/s that unfortunately haven’t worked. The pain from the past always colours the vision of the present. It can make one lose faith in love, relationship and marriage. But still the need to be loved, get married and have a family make most of the girls/women put up with a lot from men, especially if their relationship track record is not very encouraging. One of the main reasons for their relationship failure is this mentality to continually compromise. I have been a witness to a guy flirting with his female friends right in front of his girlfriend. She being mortified to even express her feelings of jealousy, out of sheer fear of a break off, sat there in silence. These kind of instances leave a terrible taste in the mouth which come from being hurt time and again. The fault lies within the woman and not the man she is seeing.

By accepting the wrong behaviour and treating a man as if he matters more than one’s feelings and self-respect isn’t very attractive and definitely not appealing to a man one is involved with. It only makes one appear needy and clingy and a little too forgiving to issues which are absolutely not acceptable, not even to him. It simply turns off a man in the long run. Even if it doesn’t, it is extremely unhealthy for a lasting relationship. And this pattern gets repetitive with each new relationship.

By working on a couple of very important inherent traits, a woman can certainly fix this ‘relationship going haywire’ syndrome. Attitude and self- esteem, along with self-respect play a vital role here. One needs to rise above the negativity by bringing in changes in these aspects. It will not only make the woman feel more energetic and empowered towards the relationship but also make her more relaxed around him. The aura which flows from self-confidence is tremendous. This will help her become more realistic and thus true to herself. The denouement –  incredible attention from him. Don’t wait another day to feel better about yourself. Never get desperate to have his attention. Work around your strengths and stop feeling hopeless.

Nobody is perfect. But the individuality you have is second to none. It is unique. When you reflect this in your demeanour, it will automatically bring a man close to you, naturally – by being yourself and not changing for anyone.  All you need to do is turn your mindset around to turn your relationship around. One good turn deserves another…

Of late there has been an escalation in Sudden Divorce Syndrome (SDS) cases. As the name suggests, it involves taking a sudden decision about going in for divorce. But the peculiarity about this kind of divorce is that it is gender specific. It is restricted to only women. Multiple factors come to play here. It’s an outcome of years of discontentment and distress in a marriage. Men and women are wired differently, they have different ways of dealing with their emotions and expressing their feelings, especially in a marriage. After the newness of a marriage wears off, the relationship has all chances of getting mundane. Monotony sets it. Expression of love and affection is taken for granted. It becomes an ‘understood given’. So when a wife feels that things are going out of hand and when she points it out, the reaction or response determines the future state of marriage. Initially she might be heard and temporarily things become better. But in no time its back to square one. It’s about communicating one’s expectations, fears, thoughts, concerns, insecurities, dreams et. al. Usually she is labelled a nag to keep talking about her feelings. Her emotional outbursts are perceived as complaints. Slowly, she stops sharing her thoughts thinking that they don’t go down too well with him. Over the years when these feelings stop getting a vent and have percolated deeply into her system, it becomes unbearable.

Husbands don’t deliberately overlook their wives’ thoughts. Given the stressful times of today even they are struggling to find a means to their ends. It’s never easy when time is the biggest constraint. When a wife stops expressing her anxieties it is often misperceived as contentment. They feel everything is hunky dory. But the sad reality is they have no inkling about their wife’s state of mind. And when the wife suddenly announces her decision to break up, they are completely caught off the cuff. They are shaken up when the reality sets in. Panic mode sets in and they scramble to seek professional help to fix their already ‘broken beyond fixing marriage’. But, the wife has made up her mind. She’s done with the marriage.

No relationship can go sour overnight. Deep seated emotions need to be expressed, heard and validated. Pent up feelings and emotions over the years lead to such a situation. A two-way communication is extremely important for any relationship to work.

As much as SDS is a universal with women, my question is why should women bear the brunt of a mundane marriage? I would also like to stress upon the factor which makes women more susceptible to this. it’s the time factor. One always tends to take people with more time for granted. But when one realises that time is a constraint even for one’s partner, one would go that extra mile to be with him/her. So, my advice to all women is to lead a busy life. Work hard and cultivate a passion for something.  Why think of SDS, when there are ways and means of dealing with your situation in a much better an effective way? It’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the sudden step at the end – ergo no sudden decision about divorce!!!!

“My boyfriend used to be so warm and generous in showering his affection and of late he’s not what he used to be.” My wife used to be so exuberant, would go out of her way to do things for me. There is a marked difference in her behaviour these days.” Have you ever wondered why your partner has stopped opening up like before and seems emotionally withdrawn?  Do you feel the affection has gone down because of conflicts and poor communication? Is there something missing which was there before? Do you have to struggle to get your partner’s undivided attention? Relationships follow a cyclical pattern of ups and downs. If you love a person and share yourself with him/her, it is equally important to be able to express your feelings and emotions completely without being judged. One of the sad but true realities of today with people is they never have the kind of relationship they wish to have wherein they can freely express and don’t have to emote. These problems can easily and effortlessly be addressed with a few changes in one’s approach.

First and foremost, one should always start with taking the time out for each other. With technology now being constantly available and daily stresses constantly weighing people down, one may need to find time to actually concentrate on each other. Even one hour a day of quality time can make a huge difference to the quality of a relationship. Next comes expression, since it holds the key to a relationship status. Losing one’s centre during a conflict and letting fears, insecurities and emotions dominate something which wouldn’t be important after a few hours or days, can be responsible for partner’s gradual detachment.  While these are absolutely critical to share, how you convey them has tremendous power. These emotions have the power to connect or disconnect you with your loved one.

Experience is another key element which can make or break a relationship. Negative feelings are a given in any relationship. How you handle these determines the kind of experience you create.  Two people bring different set of ideas and feelings into a relationship. With these come their own share of differences. Majority of people will always think about the worst when in distress. This leads to pressing the wrong buttons and getting nervous and upset unnecessarily, breeding distance and contempt. Analysing each and every move of your partner or yourself can only spell trouble. So when your partner doesn’t return your call, instead of thinking about the worst, give it a positive meaning. Imagine they are caught up with their own issues and it’s not about you. Finally, when they call it’s going to be even more interesting since it’s taken so long to catch up with each other. Positive people are attractive people and they can make great lasting relationships.

It is very essential to have a conscious relationship to enjoy the magical bond of closeness. When I say conscious, I want to reiterate being always aware about the significance of your relationship and having the constant drive to make it better; thereby never letting your partner draw back. It takes practice to make this a habit – especially if it is not your disposition. Start by being positive about yourself when on your own and gradually it will rub on to your relationship. Don’t practice until you get it right. Practice until you can’t get it wrong.