Monthly Archives: April 2017

We live in an era of instant noodles, instant camera, instant coffee, instant messaging, instant makeover, instant geyser, instant intimacy, and many other instant alternatives. The ‘instant’ pace has led to a need for instant gratification. Today’s generation hardly knows the meaning of delayed gratification. Everything is expected to be served instantly – be it food, love and sex or communication. Waiting can be psychologically taxing. Patience is daunting if exercised.  Any sort of delay manifests in impatience, frustration, pressure, anxiety and anger.

Only a couple of decades ago, writing letters and waiting for a reply used to be so common. One would eagerly but not impatiently wait for a letter from a postman. And the gratification that followed would be supreme on getting a reply. Unfortunately, thanks to the email, this practice is almost redundant. While the internet has drastically transformed the communication process, it is responsible for delayed gratification becoming challenging. Transformation from snail mail to email reduced the pace of response time from days to minutes. People would email one another – the pace would be quick so back and forth emails became the norm. Parallelly, various email messengers became popular.  Live chat across different boundaries and borders of the world became possible. This was the beginning of instant communication. Finally, with the advent of mobile messenger applications, response time got reduced to seconds. It has made people so used to getting instant responses that a delayed response causes restlessness. A terrible mental state cascading down on a lot of areas in life including relationships.

Telephone conversations still highlight the main mode of communication for courting couples. Even after having a telephonic conversation for hours together, one wants to text or chat. The need to be connected 24×7 leads to a lot of stress.  It stems not only from a longing or a state of missing each other but more from compulsion. Just because one can, why not? When one doesn’t hear from one’s partner for some time, there is an emotional turmoil. The same affects the partner and takes a toll on the relationship. Technology should be used to facilitate a relationship and not hamper it. Just because it’s available doesn’t mean one must use it incessantly. The scope of giving space to each other is almost zero. If one is not physically present with one’s partner doesn’t mean one is providing the much-required space.  Following one’s partner and expecting him or her to be connected constantly is like virtual stalking. Extremely unhealthy for a relationship and rational health of the couples involved.

The need for instant gratification has become so ingrained in people thanks to the technological advancement that one wonders if the mental health index of people was higher before or now. Addiction was only restricted to drugs. Terms like digital detox was unheard of. Paranoia, obsessive compulsive disorder and trauma have increased manifold thanks to the addiction to be gratified instantly. The need to have immediate need/want fulfilment has become a lifestyle disease.

Some of the best things in life are worth waiting for. We  all should learn to cultivate the habit to wait. Develop more patience and see our self and our relationship blooming.

The age-old debate on what should be the ideal age difference between a man and his wife continues, but in a different context. It’s not conventional any more for a man to be older than his woman. It can be the other way around as well. May December relationships are no longer a rarity.

What should be the ideal difference and who should be older has no precise answer. There are no ground rules to decide the gender specific age difference. If we go by the statistics of the west, age is never a bar. Hollywood actors are the biggest examples.  The acceptance towards an older woman, younger man is progressively increasing but nevertheless, a big difference between the two is still frowned upon.

The culture in our country still encourages a big age gap between a husband and a wife. Many times, the difference is astronomical in terms of the husband being older. The much older husband is supposed to be looked up to by his wife and she is also expected to be in awe of him. Nothing wrong with this notion provided the man is really worth the admiration and awe.

Does age difference have anything to do with the quality of the relationship? Being older doesn’t mean one is always wiser, enriched by life experiences and proportionally mature. Similarly, being younger doesn’t mean one is inexperienced and immature always. Age can never define a person’s overall growth and sanity. The best relationships can work in any direction – regardless of whether the age difference is too much or too little between the couple with either being older, younger or of the same age.

I have seen varied couples with all kinds of age differences. And as much as I have tried to derive at a leaning in terms of the most successful age difference, I have not been able to zero in on a number.  If there is harmony in the relationship, it really doesn’t matter who is older and how much. A happy relationship requires a lot of understanding more than anything else from each other –  a characteristic which can constitute from an individual of any age group. A person advancing in age doesn’t necessarily have this very important quality. It could come from someone very young as well.

It’s all about being a balanced human being. If one is emotionally stable, no age can dictate terms about who is wiser since older. Control plays a big role. Not the need to control the other, but the need to be in control of one’s self. Requirement of a strong and stable mind. A relationship is paradoxically the most turbulent journey a couple embarks on and requires a lot of control to stay strong and true, not just to the partner but to oneself to function smoothly. Slotting people in different groups as per their age, age difference and number of years they are married or in a relationship is the mother of all misconceptions.

No matter how young or old you are. if you know how to handle your beautiful communion with your partner, you have arrived (regardless of whether a few or many years ago – into this world).

Dating tips can help one get a date but to get the love of one’s life, one needs a lot more. Self-introspection for lasting love can help open one’s mind, heart and body. It’s always easy to love or fall in love with someone. But when that love is not reciprocated with the same intensity, it can be quite distressing. It’s also very normal to feel dejected when a loved one or a friend doesn’t return a call or cancels some last-minute plans. Doesn’t take time to label them as uncaring or impolite. If this is a chronic pattern every time you befriend someone and the raised hopes are dashed, you need to make certain inner shifts through self-introspection.

It happens because one tends to demand, of course at an unconscious level, what one is most unwilling to give. It is very natural to seek love, respect and acceptance. It is equally natural to feel disappointed when it is not provided. The bottom line is, to seek love, one needs to feel that love for oneself. Or else no amount of love expressed by the significant other can suffice. No matter how hard your partner, even spouse for that matter tries, it will never lead to contentment. A wife kept receiving flowers and gifts from her husband regularly. According to her friends she indeed was a lucky woman. But she kept doubting her husband’s gestures – was he doing it to hide an affair, was he doing it because he had to, may be out of duty? Appreciation took the form of suspicion. Again, the feeling that the partner is losing interest, despite no apparent signs is common. Regardless of how intensely a partner expresses love –  through expensive gifts or passionate declarations, if it is not evenly scaled by one’s own self-worth, it will always make things difficult. The feeling of not being good enough has a cascading effect on other relationships and even on work sometimes. The gnawing emptiness within due to lack of self-love can only be filled by loving oneself. It’s all about accepting oneself and one’s feelings. No validation from an external source is required to be considered worthwhile. Not to say one shouldn’t try and correct some unpleasant or faulty behavioural patterns hampering a relationship.

Loving oneself makes room for love to come into one’s life. Is it difficult to love oneself? Why the resistance, then? It’s not something deliberate. At times, past trauma, parental dysfunction or typical childhood experiences can be responsible for lack of self-love.  Everyone deserves the love of their life. Through counselling or right therapy one can have a breakthrough and reverse the traumatic past experiences that block one from feeling in complete acceptance of oneself.

The need to love and be loved is universal. Everyone deserves to enjoy being loved by their loved ones, be it a friend, partner or spouse – coupled with the feeling to know that they are good enough just the way they are. You have the right to create what you want and to love deeply. Embark on a journey to love yourself first before you let anyone else love you. And see for yourself what love and life have to offer.