27 Apr

Who is guilty – you or your partner?

Are you one of those who is badgered around and made to feel guilty at the drop of a hat by your “partner? If you allow your partner to do that you are encouraging what psychologists call ‘guilt transference’. It is very common for people who simply refuse to take responsibility of their actions to blame their partners – especially for the actions that are inappropriate. As if their partners trigger a particular exploit.

I used to be in therapy with a husband who was always accused of cheating. His wife constantly called him a liar and would question any communication on his phone. “Is that an email from your girlfriend?” He was always questioned about where he was and what he was doing. His answers were always honest – if at work he would say so, would explain every text message or an email – patiently and in in detail.

Although this is a common scenario in many households, something in me told me that there was more to this than meets the eye. Finally, we found out that the wife was cheating and was putting the blame on the husband so that she was not caught. She was trying to transfer her guilt on her husband. He was devastated to learn the reality. He wondered what made her break his trust. He decided to end the marriage.

Trust is the basis of any relationship. Given the technology driven times of today, there are enough avenues to have a fling or an extra-marital relationship. Its humanly neither possible nor advisable to keep a tab on one’s partner’s continuously.  People who want to cheat can always find a way of doing it. But if you have to keep a constant eye on your partner or his/her phone, it’s not worth it. You are wasting your precious time of your life. You should be able to blindly trust your partner or if not, turn a blind eye to his/her escapades. The choice is yours but remember when a person tries to twist and cast a blame on one’s partner for his/her wrong doings, it reflects an unhealthy mentality.  Do not allow yourself to be treated as a victim by a person with a toxic mind.  Let your partner know you are strong and smart and that he/she is weak and wrong.

20 Apr

Is your tone as dry as a bone?

“Hi honey, I’ve just left work and am on my way home”, said the newly married husband to his wife.” A few months pass. The wife calls the husband since hasn’t heard from him all day. “Hi, have invited a few friends over. When will you be home?”  “In a meeting. Will be delayed”, is the crisp and curt response.

As time goes by in a marriage, one partner becomes a speaker and the other partner becomes a listener. The speaker lives up to his/her role of speaking, while the listener usually listens either intently or out of no choice. Monosyllables mark the responses, regardless. With time, the conversation between a couple becomes so distinct thanks to its tone, that it’s very easy for the third person to gather the relationship of the couple in conversation.

Why does the tone become so pronounced when it comes to a married couple? The tone which worked wonders once upon a time, loses its modulation. Why? Is it a sign of taking a relationship for granted? Is it a sign of a failed marriage?  I have tried asking many couples during the course of therapy. Surprisingly, most couples have never noticed their tone. Many argue saying its insignificant and that the tone has nothing to do with the marriage dynamics.

It has been proved that the tone of the voice can make or mar a relationship. A cold tone or monosyllables like mere “hmm” indicate the quality of a relationship. One can isolate the relationship for a bit and take the tone away from it. But that would be a few offs when a person is not in his/her elements. But when a tone loses its inflection and sets itself to a linear frequency with zero cadence, it shows where the relationship stands or is heading.

The tone during an argument can also spell trouble. Some people cannot refrain from raising their tone to exhibit anger. The tone can play a big spoilsport if not controlled.

One doesn’t have to shout or sugar coat words to communicate. Doesn’t mean one has to continue in a dead monotonous tone either. Effective communication needs the right tone with the right words. Day to day communication needs some variation to bring back the passion in a marriage. Hone your tone and let it become the keystone of your relationship.

13 Apr

How truly do you represent your relationship?

Grass is greener on the other side of the fence and so is someone’s else’s marriage. Yardstick – the social media. FB pictures, WhatsApp display pictures, status messages are some common avenues to represent a ‘certain’ kind of marital success. Such virtual representation is driven by a need to induce a certain kind of image about the relationship. With an intention to draw a specific perception, people are usually successful in doing so.

Relationships can never be gauged by the outside world. The couple equation and dynamics have nothing to do with what is deliberately depicted to mislead people. Genuine couples don’t need extra efforts. They are happy in their own space and don’t appreciate any infringement on that space.

Then why do some couples try to deceive others about their relationship? With reasons galore, a certain psychology works behind their motive. First and foremost, when a marriage is beheld as the only source to drive away all the internal inadequacies, a false reality is formulated. It’s as if one’s identity rests on the marriage. One is gripped by the marriage and obsessed with one’s partner. In the process, the person is not only fooling the world but also him/herself.

An ulterior motive – a motive to showcase ‘something’ to ‘someone’ is another reason to flaunt one’s relationship. Human mind and its many calculations.

Last but not the least, when a person tries to generate a particular feeling in others about themselves, they try to fabricate the interpretation through virtual social platforms. This feeling is a result of some deep-seated complexes within oneself. I vividly remember seeing a couple which had massive differences in terms of social media usage. The wife would calculatedly create situations facilitating picture opportunities for the consumption of her FB friends. While the husband was totally against it, she managed to continue with the practice. During the course of the therapy it was found that she had a split personality, and she used her FB posts and pictures as a shield against her manic-depressive disorder. It became her regular coping mechanism.

Instead of depicting a wrong reality why not work on it to make it right? You don’t need any social media for your right relationship to flourish. All you need is some tender loving care to make it grow from strength to strength – to get the perfect wavelength!!!!

06 Apr

Be exclusive and not delusive with your partner

Fibbing is a part of every human nature. Harmless, yet dangerous when overdone and overused – especially in relationships.

I very recently met a couple who was in terrible marital distress, thanks to the fibbing nature of the husband. Being brought up in a conventional patriarchal family, where the father was very autocratic, fibbing became his second nature right from his childhood to protect himself from him. When he got married, his fibbing habit continued. It was very disturbing for the wife initially, but she slowly came to terms with it. To keep the marital harmony intact, she kept quiet thinking most of his lies were white lies. However, she felt the husband started taking advantage of her silence. Along with his fibbing, he also started keeping things to himself, and not share details. The husband’s friend had a major illness and the ill friend’s wife started seeking help from him. The wife was involved initially with some particulars. But gradually he tapered giving all the information. Apparently, his friend’s wife started texting him on a regular basis – initially with the health bulletins and later under the pretext of some vain matters. The ill friend’s wife made it a point to connect only with the husband’s friend and not with his wife although they were all friends. Eventually, when the wife found out about the exclusive connection between her husband and the friend’s wife, she couldn’t take it and felt deceived. It wasn’t the communication between the two that drove her nuts. Being kept in the dark by her husband made her upset. Why would her husband and the friend’s wife want an exclusive connection with each other? She felt it was taking undue advantage of her understanding, sweetness and patience apart from being unfair to the unwell friend.

One tends to fib or hide things when one fears one’s partner. If the spouse is unreasonable and innately suspicious and jealous, it’s a different story. But with an understanding partner, fibbing excessively can be a deal breaker.  It’s very much taking all the goodness for granted. So called ‘one to one’ connections with ONLY the friends’ spouse/s is unethical and unhealthy.

Have the best of friendships with your friends and their spouses. But be mindful of the exclusivity. The only person to have an exclusive relationship with is your partner.  Exclusively yours!!!