Monthly Archives: March 2017

In a country where marriages, believed to be so sacrosanct and always for keeps are losing its essence, what can be said about relationships? Fragile marriages are on the rise. And on a steeper rise are erratic relationships. Shorter shelf life, unpredictability, commitment phobia, ‘on and off’ relationship status et. al. are some of the core patterns that mark relationships of today.

I had written about ‘ghosting’ some months ago – an abrupt disappearance from a dating partner’s life by suddenly becoming incommunicado. There is generally no guilt or remorse attached to the breakup. Can be quite an emotional roller coaster for the partner ditched. In contrast to ghosting is being ‘zombied’. It’s a sudden reappearance in an ex partner’s life for reasons best known to the person reappearing. The return is like a blast from the past.

There can be a multiple reason for people resorting to this. A failed relationship, a relationship not satisfying or gratifying enough, a comparison between a current and a previous relationship leading to a realization process that perceives the ex-partner  as better. Also, the inability to get hitched again can make one turn back to one’s ex.

An IT professional dated a girl for quite a few months. Being head over heels in love they even discussed their future together. However, gradually the girl started reducing her interactions and communication with him. Finally she just went into the oblivion. Nursing a broken heart, he had no other option but to move on, which indeed was very painful. One fine day, ages after the unannounced break up, he received a text message from her telling him that she couldn’t live without him. It had taken him a long time to get over her and was in no way interested in severing the old ties. The trust factor was zero now and he just couldn’t get himself into getting involved again since he was sure that he wouldn’t be able to cope with another heartbreak –  although it was very tempting. He let the head rule over the heart this time.

The gentleman was justified in keeping himself off her. People should be extremely wary about their partners especially if they have been ghosted and zombied once. The very fact that it has happened once merely points at all the possibilities of it happening again.  Getting reconnected with such a person wouldn’t be a good idea because such people lack the empathy to realize what they have put the other person through. A relationship without mutual empathy is a big non-starter.

In case, one is tempted to get involved again, one should tread very slowly. ‘Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst’ should be followed to a T. If it’s not the first time, it necessarily cannot be the last time of being ghosted. Instead of getting emotional one should very practically deal with it. Time would be the biggest test of such a relationship and would tell whether the person has returned for genuine reasons and regrets the breakup or not. After all you don’t want to become a zombie again.

A very common practice in quite a few households – giving threats. A husband threatening his wife to walk out of the house during a fight or a wife threatening to harm herself if she cannot have her way. Threats to commit suicide are common as well.

Are these people serious about what they say? Do they mean it? I was seeing a couple last year who had massive differences with each other. The husband always threatened to walk out of home, work, car – depending on his location at the time of dispute. The wife and the child always went through the routine ordeal of pleading, begging and cajoling him to stay back. It had become his regular behavioural pattern. Once on their way somewhere, they had an argument. With his anger going through the roof, he threatened to stop the car and leave. He was at his predictable best. The wife was so fed up with his frequent tantrums, that she just asked him to scoot. The husband couldn’t believe his eyes and ears. He didn’t know what to do or where to go. His inflated ego got the better of him and he had no other option but to step out – with no one to stop him this time. Without waiting a second, the wife got behind the wheel and drove off. He learnt his lesson.

Another couple had a different kind of problem. The wife had somehow always managed to do things her way – through temper tantrums, emotional blackmailing etc. Finally, it reached a point wherein the husband could take it no more. He started opposing which naturally didn’t go down too well with her. Suddenly she felt powerless and that led to strange behavioural patterns in her. She had terrible mood swings. Wouldn’t eat for a day or two. Wouldn’t lift a finger to do anything for the eight-year-old son and would remain in bed for hours. All deliberate to get back her control and attention. The son had to depend on the father at such times. If it was a holiday, things were manageable. But on working days, the son would call up the father from home and tell him about the mother not being in a good mood and not tending to his needs. The husband’s futile attempts to explain to her that the son didn’t deserve to be dragged into their differences, got him nowhere. Once at work, he received a phone call from the son saying the mother was leaving home. He rushed home. The first thing he told the wife was to leave – immediately. She was aghast since wasn’t expecting this kind of a reaction. She thought this would change him but it backfired. Was clueless as to what to do next. She was told that he and his son had enough. She had no right to make the son insecure by her frequent emotional outbursts or withdrawals. She didn’t leave and had to mend her ways.

When it gets beyond the pale for either spouse/partner, it’s a wakeup call. It is a real test for the distressing partner’s intentions. Whether the threats are empty or are genuine. From day one, this should be nipped in the bud.  Nobody should relent or succumb to such unreasonable behaviour. Definitely not threats! It only adds fuel to the fire. The more you feed them, even with the best of intents to maintain peace it only encourages them to continue. Please don’t be threatened even if it means a threatened relationship.

A repetitive pattern of behaviour over a period of time becomes a habit.  Habits can be as insignificant as shaking a leg while sitting, doing something constructive as reading or simply getting habituated to a luxury like an air-conditioned car or a home. A habit is not developed over night and so, when one realizes that there is a pattern setting up, one should consciously try to break that pattern, particularly if detrimental in any way.

Certain habits can be harmful for a relationship. One such habit is cribbing. Such cribbers sweat the small stuff and crib about everything under the sun. The negativity is so strong that they can never look at the larger picture. They can’t count their blessings. Especially in a relationship, this can be a major source of contention. The cribbing is never internal. It’s always external –  aimed at the partner, the situation or things around. Despite being brought to their notice, such people seldom change. Anything that the partner says or does is given a negative connotation. It’s not only “why you said so” but also “when you said this, you actually meant this.” Lots of presumptions at play. Motives are imputed. This kind of approach has deep underlying causes. An unpleasant childhood, complexes developed then but manifested in adulthood, when dealing with others – closed ones. This inner circle of   people are taken for granted and bear the brunt of such complexes. Cribbing also takes the form of sarcasm and taunting. Their partners may not even know that anything said or done is misconstrued till it is conveyed through some direct or indirect chiding.

Such people make relationships toxic. Partners of such people have to struggle to be themselves. It becomes so taxing to cope with such complexities that they sometimes don’t even realize but end up losing themselves – thinking all the time about how their behaviour would be reacted upon. One of the couples I was seeing had a similar problem. The husband always misinterpreted his wife’s understanding. If he said he wanted to go to sleep early and if she readily agreed, thinking that he must be tired, she was misread. She was blamed for being latently angry about the entire thing and not showing it. Convincing him she wasn’t angry at all and that he was only imagining, she was further questioned about why she wasn’t enquiring about his health – if he was ok since retiring early. She was mocked for not even showing some care and concern. The assumptions are endless and exasperating. Such relationships don’t last and even if they do, there’s a lot at stake in terms of ‘out of control’ emotions on part of the partner finding faults and ‘totally controlled emotions’ by the opposite partner. Such controlled emotions can be dangerous and can take a toll on a person’s mental health in the long run. It’s like a ticking time bomb ready to explode any time.

If you feel your partner is toxic, it’s a red flagged relationship. I wouldn’t advise any one to be a part of such a relationship. When we live in times where nothing toxic is acceptable, why accept a toxic partner? Try to detox your partner. If it doesn’t help, detox yourself from the relationship.

My last weekend was well spent at a club. A complete family outing. My visit to the ladies room left me irked. I saw the janitor there using her cell phone to make a call. Even before she could say her hello, I could hear a loud outburst at the other end – without the phone being on speaker mode. She was snubbed for making that call and she sheepishly disconnected. Didn’t take me a second to realize, who this young girl was speaking to. The therapist bone in me was suddenly stimulated. I felt so bad, I couldn’t help speaking to her. I asked why she was yelled at by her husband? She said he was watching something interesting on television and got disturbed by her call. My second question was – how long was she married, the answer to which was two years. No wonder!! The girl was working as a caretaker of a plush club ladies room even on a Sunday evening, while the husband was comfortably plonked in front of television at home. The only thing I could do to nurse her dented heart was to give her a few inputs on how to sail through such emotionally turbulent times. How important it was for her to convey to her husband that she didn’t like the way she was put down. I knew it may not even go down too well with her husband given the orthodox times that still prevail in our country – where it’s still a male dominated society in quite a few households and children grow up witnessing their fathers being rude to their mothers. But I still wanted her to feel empowered. She was standing on her feet. Working and earning a living. I just wanted her to know her worth and not be ill-treated for no fault of hers.

Why does a relationship change post marriage? Why does one start taking one’s partner for granted? I am sure the same girl and her husband were once head over heels in love with each other. Till the newness wore off, their initial period must have been bliss like all other marriages. Why does all the love and affection evaporate into thin air once married? Courtship days are supposed to be the best days since the partners make the most of both the worlds – their individual and together. Once the legal stamp of matrimony is put, things start sliding down. Why is it all temporary – the love, the care, the concern?

Whatever section of society one belongs to, taking one’s spouse for granted (not necessarily only the wife) becomes a given. I have seen so many couples, not just my clients who are so rude to their spouses. With this unpleasant approach, things are expected to be rosy at least to the outside world. Its very easy to overlook one’s flaws but overlooking a partner’s flaws seems so daunting.  And then people crib and question the institution of marriage. Grudges and resentment over a period of time can only breed bitterness. Once that gets woven into the fine fabric of a relationship, it becomes very difficult to get rid of it.

When one is cohabiting with one’s life partner, why can’t the alliance be so pleasant, loving and wonderful that one looks forward to the future together? The feeling of being able to cope with anything and everything with a partner by one’s side is second to none. The children of such strong marriages are phenomenal. It doesn’t cost much to be sweet and easy to get along with. Please don’t be rude, dude!!!!!

Contemplating certain core traits responsible for relationship distress specially between couples have made me focus on one trait which interferes with the functioning of a smooth relationship. Anxiety!! Commonly defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. There are two types of anxieties. One which is inherent in a person, given the genetic disposition. And the second being generated as a result of one’s repetitive negative thinking pattern which ultimately gets internalised in a person – detrimental not just to the partner or the relationship but to oneself as well.

While anxiety is manifested through various means, digital platform is a common carrier these days. A dating couple seeing each other may get anxious when they don’t get a response from their partner. “Why hasn’t he/she responded to my text despite it being delivered so long ago?” Married couples wouldn’t think any different. Their predicament would be, why hasn’t the message been opened or read? And once that is done, again the same rut of why hasn’t it been responded to? A thinking ritual. Is it very difficult to send a text and then forget about it till it is responded to? Anxiously waiting for a reply with a single-track mind, getting fidgety, checking one’s cell phone restlessly almost becomes an obsession.

Why can’t one adopt a simple straight forward thinking that the message will be responded when the partner finds time? Instead of imagining the worst, why not be positive, realistic and accept the delay? When I ask my over anxious couples to practise this “delayed response acceptance” positively, they say they have a basis of comparison responsible for their anticipated response time. Because the texts were always responded instantly in the past, that pace is still expected. Not realizing the initial euphoria of a relationship is always different and quick paced. It slows down with time but doesn’t mean the love and affection have gone down. It is wrong to presume the two are correlated – delayed response equal to lessened love.  Another very common complaint these days is being seen online on a certain messaging application but not communicating with one’s partner. “He/she was online but still just wasn’t ready to acknowledge me.” There’s a very fine line between an anxious and a suspicious mind. “Has he/she lost interest in me?” “Has he/she started seeing someone else?”  “Is my husband/wife having an affair?” Why can’t we condition our minds to think maybe the partner got busy doing something else and forgot to get off that chat. Maybe a technical glitch – online status may be offline or the priority was someone else for a reason at that point.

Jumping to conclusions is so easy when anxious. Insecurities, emotional dependence and a lot of free time at hand can lead to overt anxiety. Always adding logic to one’s thoughts, rationalizing about a situation and talking it over with one’s partner can help counter anxiety. Anxiety is a trait which can breed a lot of contempt in a relationship. Training one’s mind to consciously not get anxious would get rid of a lot of emotional turmoil. Especially initially the mind must be anxiety free to analyse a situation objectively. Anxiety should step in only if a situation gets to the extreme. Anyway, it’s not worth losing one’s sanity over anxiety!!!