Monthly Archives: January 2016

My client couple is plagued by a problem faced by many in today’s super technological times. The wife is continuously on WhatsApp. The husband feels neglected and suspects she is having an affair. He keeps checking her ‘online’ status making him ‘online’ all the time too, only for the wife to fear that he is having an extra marital affair.
While I knew all along that being constantly on a certain messaging medium doesn’t always involve a third person, it certainly has opened up avenues for infidelity. Here I needed to go to the root of the problem. Why was the wife continuously on WhatsApp? Was she really having an affair? Was the husband justified in feeling neglected? A step by step approach helped me unfold a lot of realities unknown to both. First and foremost, the wife was addicted to WhatsApp. Although she wasn’t involved with anybody, her obsession made her husband wonder about her motives. While any addiction is detrimental to one’s physical and mental health, it always has a handle for undue indulgence. It’s not that the wife got hooked on to WhatsApp overnight. What started as an escape from boredom, slowly developed into an interest, followed by addiction. The husband with the best of intentions for the family was busy with work. In the process the family got a little side-lined. The wife resorted to WhatsApp which finally took over her completely. A vicious cycle engulfing both.

Extremes in relationships, especially a marriage can always be hazardous. Had the husband realized he was not devoting enough time to the wife, this situation wouldn’t have arose. Again, the wife’s unconscious need to break free from her monotony of life took her to a point which was almost irreversible. She failed to realize the implications of the same. Her husband’s being on WhatsApp to check her status had become his obsessive compulsive behaviour. The wife felt threatened about a probable third person and her defence mechanism only made her WhatsApp use increase. It was her getaway from the harsh reality of life.
In this case the husband and wife both failed to communicate effectively. Their fears and anxieties could have been put to rest had they talked to each other instead of assuming and presuming. The entire scenario could have been avoided, had they only addressed each other’s insecurities. When one can master the art of using various social media platforms to communicate with others, why can’t the same be done with one’s family? If the comfort level is low for direct confrontation, why not use the same WhatsApp to convey one’s feelings? After all even WhatsApp can make or mar your relationship… Use it diligently to make it and not break it. Aren’t relationships fragile?

Unresolvable differences between a couple ‘living –in’ together for nine years approached me. While the lady wanted to take the relationship to the next level by getting married, the man was not yet ready to commit. Both in their late thirties – the woman was worried about her ticking biological clock almost resembling a time bomb and the gentleman not feeling ‘settled enough’ professionally to start and support a family. He wanted to wait till he was comfortable enough to provide. Both right in their own ways, wanted a solution to this contemporary problem.
India is emulating the west in terms of co-habiting with one’s romantic partner is concerned. One can attribute a couple of factors to this kind of an alliance – one, decision making process with the youngsters of today is very swift. They don’t foresee the eventualities that can arise from residing with one’s partner. Two, the repercussions it can have, can really take a toll on both involved. While, generally for the man, it is always about his profession and making x amount of money before getting into any kind of commitment, for the woman it’s normally wanting to give a legal status to her association along with the need to start a family – regardless of whether she is a professional or otherwise.
But then my question is, in this case, hasn’t the man remained committed in the relationship for nine years? It’s too long a time and it’s almost like being married – just without a legal endorsement. What’s going to change with marriage? An addition to the family? Well, that can be discussed mutually. The lady here may be justified in thinking about her age coming in the way of her motherhood, but then why did she realize only after nine years about the impending threat to her fertility? Such problems don’t occur over night. They build up gradually. According to me, nine years is too long a time to feel beyond the pale. It’s too late. After investing in a relationship for almost a decade, it does become difficult to make a ‘U’ turn and start all over again. It’s a ‘do or die’ situation. Both caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, need to realize the gravity of the situation and take a call.
My advice to people resorting to ‘living –in’ is, please think about all the ramifications it can have. An ideal live-in period would be anything between one to three years. Good enough to get to know one another, and to gauge if it can be taken to the next level. Waiting till eternity is only inviting demystification to act as a dampener. Cold feet, reluctance and apprehensions are typical to any romantic relationship. But it makes a lot of sense to discuss one’s expectations from this kind of a setting and the probable consequences it can generate. How about replacing short-sightedness with foresightedness? Mature demeanour is what it takes for two to tango. One wrong move and the rhythm can break. After all, one would want to dance attendance on the other…

How does one compare the success ratio of love vis a vis an arranged marriage? A difficult proposition indeed! Although the ‘kind’ of marriage has nothing to do with its success, the number of avenues open for people to access potential/prospective alliance these days is astounding. Conventionally arranged marriages worked through families and friends – introducing a prospective bride/groom to the family concerned. Still a common practice, it’s no longer the only method. With joint families on the decline and nuclear families on the rise, the nature of arranged marriages have altered. Again, more openness and acceptance towards inter-caste marriages have changed the meaning of these kind of marriages.
Newspapers were pioneers in publishing matrimonial advertisements. Along with the print media, thanks to the advent of the internet, matrimony sites have become a very effective means for candidates seeking matrimonial alliances. Its abundance in terms of choices and information is almost limitless. As the biggest marriage portal in the world proclaims, it’s something as simple as this: Matrimony Indian Matrimonials – Ready for Marriage? Create Your Matrimonial Profile to find Suitable Indian Brides, NRI Grooms and find your Perfect Match only on Shaadi.com!

It is easy and instant. With no boundary restrictions of the globe, people can access database from all over the world. Merely proves how the dynamics of marriages have changed and evolved over the years…

Of late I have come across quite a few couples who are not friends with each other on Facebook. “Oh we are not friends on Facebook” is a frequent statement ranted by many – with either of the partners wanting to, only to be precluded by the other. Makes me wonder if they are actually ‘friends’ in reality!! While their friendship status is no benchmark to gauge their relationship, it can AT TIMES be a pointer towards the unusual.

Is it so important to ‘befriend’ one’s spouse/partner on the social media? Well, not really. Isn’t social media supposed to be for people wanting to remain connected with their friends whom one cannot meet regularly, long distance friends and acquaintances? The spouse or the partner (I don’t think) falls under this category. The very fact that one is cohabiting with one’s partner/spouse means that one knows everything about each other and don’t need a separate platform to communicate or interact with. While there are couples who mutually decide to stay off each other’s orbits, there are disgruntled partners who are itching to desperately become friends – in an endless, anxious and hopeless  wait for the acceptance of their friend request.

Why are people skeptical or apprehensive to befriend their partners? Plethora of reasons ranging from not getting along, to not wanting any infiltration on one’s private space; basically to avoid explanations and justifications for any activity online – constant bickering and challenging one’s motivation to ‘befriend’, ‘unfriend’, ‘like’, ‘post’, ‘comment’ on other friends et al. Discouraging indeed.

But again wanting to paint a wrong picture on the same media is another indicator of  a relationship hazard. Why should there be a need to show/show-off, justify to the world, something which is not actually the truth? After all, going by the lovey dovey pictures posted on FB is definitely misleading one’s friends by their noses to see and believe something which is not the actuality. In the process of fooling the world, one ends up fooling oneself. The reality doesn’t change its colour just because of a different projection to the virtual world. Not being friends on FB with such a partner is hardly a price to pay to be away from this false reality.

This tendency is more prevalent in the insecure partner. There is this constant need for acceptance, recognition and to an extent adulation in these kind of people. What better platform than the social media to feed their needs? It’s instant gratification, only to be satiated for an instance and wanting much more at the very next instance. Research has proved that Facebook is addictive. There were times when people would be so agitated if someone went through their personal diaries. And now tables have turned completely. People are so affected if someone doesn’t go through their posts on the social media. Incurable addiction!!!

Social media is a platform for leisure time. Doesn’t deserve to dominate our lives, control our minds or hog on our precious time. Instead focus more on being ‘REAL’ friends in ‘REALITY’. The rest is all unreal even if it seems surreal…

While I sit and write this on the first day of the year, the morning is beautiful – it every day is. But there is something special about today. There is a refreshing charge to the day. Brighter and shinier. It certainly is a new day of the year – a year filled with hopes and dreams. A world full of optimism waiting with open arms. Present pregnant with the future.

As we take the leap into the leap year, my question is why do we always have to wait for a new beginning? And once the beginning is made, why is it always drawn to a conclusion? New Year resolutions at the start of the year, followed by a reality check at the end of the year to gauge the attainment of goals set during the course of the year are a universal given.

Why does everything have to be conclusive? While New Year’s Eve and the New Year should be celebrated to mark the end of the year and the beginning of the New Year, it shouldn’t always hold us accountable for our achievements or failures. Life is a continuous process and shouldn’t be dictated by a calendar. The journey is always as much or more enjoyable than the destination – a fact understood or adapted by very few.

People are conclusion focused. Right from childhood, it’s always about conclusions – birth, education, career, marriage, children, so on and so forth. While everyone embarks on such an indispensable journey and there is no escape from it, life can be so much easier, slower, enjoyable and more liveable if not controlled by conclusions. One impatiently awaits the completion of one’s studies only to be bogged down by work later. As the initial excitement of a new job wears off, one is soon reminded of the earlier schooling/college phase seeming so much better than the present. Somehow, most of the times, the past always seems better than the present in retrospect.

Two people going around always have their happiness dependent on their marriage at some point. Instead of enjoying every bit of their relationship, after a certain time, their focus is primarily on their upcoming/impending marriage. Again a conclusion. Once united in a marriage, the brief marital bliss is replaced by a longing to be blessed with a child. Upon the arrival of a child (again a conclusion), the emphasis changes to another denouement.

After all conclusions are ends. And by no means do we want to end our beautiful journey of life. Don’t let life become just a means to an end…