23 Feb

Don’t fall out of love

The most common complaint couples come to me with is they have fallen out of love with their partner. The same person they were madly in love with and couldn’t imagine their world without has become a stranger or a burden. Love has flown out of the window. It’s a big challenge when a partner feels he/she is out of love and yet can’t put their finger on ‘why’.

How do you address such a clear yet ambiguous problem? At the outset, many couples feel their relationship is fine since they never argue. But internally they are bored and feel their marriage has become dull. A marriage with no arguments may seem ideal but is disadvantaged.  When couples don’t argue, they don’t bring in the energy to communicate and thus lose the connect with each other. No energy is akin to no polarity and hence no attraction.  Unknowingly many couples create subtleties through their energy that push them to kill their love, trust and passion for each other, without realizing it.

Falling in and out of love is as much about a person’s connection with themselves as it is with their partner. Individuals create the connection through different behavioural patterns practised during their growing up years. The basic pattern is always about avoiding pain and seeking pleasure. When the same patterns continue to function, a relationship is hampered. These patterns have lost their relevance – how can the same patterns in a changed environment, phase and time work?  A person who has grown up in an autocratic family will always get defensive at the drop of a hat since that is the only way he protected himself in childhood. Like in the past, the same behaviour of getting fiercely defensive on the slightest trigger of any probable danger continues to be resorted to. In the process of trying to avoid pain, more pain is inflicted to the partner. Involuntary differences are thus created.

One basic rule of any intimate relationship is that one cannot protect oneself and expect love to stay alive at the same time. Focus on your threat – is it imagined or real? If it is real, it’s not worth being in your marriage. But sometimes, childhood experiences misperceive a threat even when it is not. Change your complex behavioural patterns to change yourself, your partner and your relationship.  

16 Feb

Genes or jeans seek the right fit

Relationships are complex. A fact known to all. The latest study reveals, genes play a major role in depicting what kind of a partner one would be – warm and supportive or cold and indifferent. So, does it mean one needs to check out the genetics of one’s prospective partner before getting into a serious relationship? Absolutely.

Genes determine what we are, what we do and how we do – our defence and coping mechanisms included. Differences in these can cause severe relationship distress. The irony is when one of the partners is pleasant, sweet and warm as opposed to the other partner, the sweetness, warmth and affection are neither reciprocated nor acknowledged. It’s either overseen or taken for granted by the partner with dissimilar traits. After all, they are wired differently – thanks to their DNA.

I am seeing a young girl with a very pleasant disposition. Unfortunately, she’s married into a family which has no place for emotions. She feels miserable because she’s grown up in a family where expression of love and feelings were always verbal and mutual. In this family, she feels she is dealing with robots and is being treated like one.

The constitution of a potential partner’s family reveals a lot. Their style of interactions, patterns of communication, dynamics of their parents’ equation and behavioural patterns speak volumes about them. Since genes and environment shape an individual, one should never turn a blind eye to these two superlatively important factors. Wrong genes can be corrected with the right environment but when the same genes are compounded by a similar environment, the chances of any positive modification become bleak in the future. When I say wrong genes, I don’t mean to say they are ‘wrong’ literally but rather wrong for someone who has a drastically different set of genes.

So, when one’s optimistic thinking prescribes to overlook the genes and environment not favourable for a good alliance, one should think twice. Regrettably, such relationships never succeed in the long run. “Oh, I will change him/her in the future” or “I will adjust because I love him/her” are all transitory feelings. When the reality dawns after the emotional euphoria fades, it can spell doom.

 ‘Love is blind’ holds a world of wisdom. Be wise and don’t be blind to the love around you. Whether genes or jeans, seek the right fit.

01 Feb

Bound to feel bound?

Out of the many ‘firsts’ for my son, his recent train joinery was a ‘first’ which turned out to be rather intriguing. In his articulate differences between train and rail travel, he distinctly pointed out his affinity towards trains. The most pronounced difference was the amount of freedom he felt while on the train.  With no restrictions – no seat belts, no window shades to shut and open and with no need to curb the nature’s calls based on the seat belt signs, he felt at the top of the world. His analogy of an aircraft cabin to a classroom and a cabin crew member to a teacher was hilarious.  On an aircraft, the controlled environment with a teacher trying to wield control for safety and security felt stifling to him. No time restrictions to eat and drink on a train made him doubly pleased.

My son’s perception of these noticeable differences gave me some good insight into the human nature. If an eleven-year-old boy could appreciate the freedom around him, an adult would always seek and appreciate one. Unfortunately, the nature of our relationships never makes us feel free and we are responsible for the same. We are always bound by some controls and boundaries – on our selves and others. If I want my husband to not get too friendly with some other woman, if I don’t want him to come home late, I must practise what I preach. Hence, I am curbing his freedom and mine.

Why should we make each other feel bound? We get into a relationship to give meaning to our life, to enjoy it together and to grow old together. The feeling of ownership and exclusivity spoil it all. We cannot own our partner. The very fact that we are married to one shows the exclusive connection. We don’t have to go about diluting that exclusivity by harping on our perceived dos and don’ts, rights and wrongs.

Every human being is inherently free spirited. Our social set up binds us from early childhood and till eternity. To be bound to one’s family is divine but when it transforms into force, obligation and control, it weakens the essence of any relationship. When love is the only measure of control for spouses, children and parents, we are bound to feel free yet remain bound to our union of love and family.