Monthly Archives: October 2019

A recent meeting with a client couple was very enlightening. Seeing each other for more than a couple of years, they sought my help to understand the ensuing differences between them. As any relationship passes past the initial euphoric phase, a new insight grows into the minds of the couple seeing each other. This couple had a beautiful beginning. As much as it seems common, to start off smoothly is not always a given. Many couples go through some teething problems. In order to help their relationship, they need to work on themselves. But the couple I was seeing shared a wonderful chemistry from day one. According to them there was this instant click which made them click.

Two years of euphoria, bliss and ease transformed into differences, apprehensions and criticism. But having invested a lot in the relationship, they refused to let go of each other. Something I really liked. Its very easy for couples who haven’t tied the knot to give up on each other. They always have options. But something was very different about this couple.

A very pleasant looking couple in their late twenties, came and sat on my couch like two small children. Their body language was very childlike too. Their comfort level with each other was second to none. They had shared a beautiful journey for two years and that reflected in their demeanour. They had major differences and were discontent with the way things had unfolded, but that certainly didn’t take away any sweetness between them and neither did it make them bitter. A quality that’s indeed rare in today’s day and age.

My point here is not to talk about their problems but to highlight the fact that despite the equation not remaining what it was once upon a time, one doesn’t have to turn hostile. All couples young and not so young should emulate this couple. They had a distinct aura about themselves as individuals which had a cascading effect on their relationship.

No matter what both of you are going through, the moment you look within and tell yourself to control all the negativity, focus on your and your partner’s strengths, the lessons learnt, and the memories earned, you can deal with any relationship distress. Regardless of whose fault it is and whether you can keep it sweet and simple without making it messy and complex, you can weather any storm of your relationship. After a storm, comes a calm, but you can be the calm before the storm.

The capacity to recover quickly from a problem is called resilience. But it is not a trait that one has or doesn’t have. Although it is partly determined genetically, it is a skill which can be developed. An intrinsic part of positive psychology, resilience is a magic drug which can heal all wounds and right all wrongs.

This tendency to bounce back depends one’s experiences. And that’s one of the reasons people have different resilience levels. It depends on the amount of emotional distress a person has gone through – no pain, no gain!

While no one comes with a shield to protect oneself from difficult situations, some people spring back easily, while it’s a struggle for others. People with a strong sense of purpose are more resilient than others. It has been scientifically proved that purpose in life builds resilience by protecting the brain against the negative effects of stress.

Resilience goes hand in hand with optimism, emotional intelligence, humour, compassion and equanimity. One should also factor in sociability and social competence – the basis of all social interactions. Relationships need positive emotions and regulation of negative emotions to survive. To enrich the quality of relationship, one needs  to continually enhance one’s resilience.

Developing resilience is a personal journey. It needs to be built like a muscle – through small yet incremental steps. Replacing old paradigms, say for example worry or anxiety, with renewed positive interpretations of a situation can be a focal point here. Leveraging one of the most difficult events of life by positively finding meaning in one’s stressful environment can help one become resilient.

The Japanese concept of happiness,’ ikigai’ rests on the premise of looking forward to waking up every morning. A strong purpose can make life meaningful – who are you, what makes you feel alive the most, what are you grateful about et. al. By fostering positive thoughts and emotions, one can broaden one’s thoughts and actions towards fulfilling experiences. Happier people are known to be more resilient and vice-versa. Humour seems to have eroded from people. Incorporating daily humour leads to improved relationships and in turn breeds more resilience.

Since no relationship is conflict proof and because it comes with its own share of conflicts and issues, resilience is the secret ingredient to make it work. Resilient people are known to enjoy better quality of relationships. Show me some evidence you have resilience.