Monthly Archives: May 2019

It’s common for people to feel as though they have suddenly lost feelings for their partner. They may not be able to point their finger on why it has happened, yet they know that something has changed. Why does this happen? Although, this may seem sudden, it usually is a result of subtle changes which may have been brewing and are built up.  It can be a result of the differences in a couple’s values. Things affecting a person’s lifestyle could also be a factor. If a person suddenly starts seeing the relationship in a new way, feelings towards their partner can change. When pointed out, couples are surprised as to how they overlooked these differences earlier, only to become deal breakers now.

Initially people often put on rose-coloured glasses to perceive their marriage as a bed of roses. The moment they take them off – which everyone does at some point, they get a clear and real view of who their partner really is.  As a result, they start feeling differently than they did with their glasses on.  The problem here is not the partner. Its people’s coloured perception of their partner. It’s extremely important early on in a relationship to see one’s partner as he or she is. No room for any colour blindness here. Potential problems should never be ignored or avoided fearing conflict.  Not doing so can erupt a dormant volcano eventually.

It is very difficult for a person to go through such shift in feelings. Processing it can be daunting. But one should immediately have an open conversation with one’s partner. One should honestly open up and share the sudden change in feelings – for it doesn’t mean the relationship is over. Rather it is a good time to reflect on the relationship reality.  Talking to one’s partner may help if he/she is equally open minded. At times, changed feelings can be taken otherwise and may be attributed to many unpleasant and imaginary factors.

Ultimately, it’s up to you how much you can compromise with your feelings and ignore your needs to be with your partner. Relationships need to work. But, if you must cross your own boundaries or neglect your own values, you are not respecting yourself. Otherwise, nothing is permanent in this world. Not even your feelings. Just because they change, doesn’t mean your relationship changes.

The strongest force that lies at the core of all human interactions and relationships is dignity. Humans yearn for it at personal, social and professional levels. Everyone wants to be treated well and with dignity. Yet not everyone gets their fair share of it – thanks to their lack of self-worth. I have seen so many people going against their very grain just to maintain peace – in relationships or otherwise. There is no dearth of people who set their dignity aside just to follow someone who refuses to take their phone calls or stops responding to their text messages. Many people continue to live in abusive relationships justifying the abuse under some pretext or the other. People’s tendency of pleasing others comes at the cost of threatening their own dignity. Submitting to unfairness at work out of a dire need to preserve a job is understandable but being exploited beyond the realms of mental wellness and acceptance is a mark of indignity. One can be the most vulnerable in intimate relationships. It is extremely important in such relationships to maintain mutual respect and equally important to draw some boundaries. Dignity and distance go hand in hand even in the closest of relationships. Everyone needs their space to withdraw – hence the need for some distance.

Bargaining with dignity is akin to bargaining with one’s sense of self-esteem. It can never lead to happiness or contentment. Human mind is conditioned to tolerate an excess of unwanted baggage. Barring dignity, everything else is given primacy. The fault lies in our system. Right from childhood, children have to let go of their dignity when insulted or admonished by their parents – out of no choice since dependent on them. When in school, teachers don’t always preserve their dignity either. Its never kept intact by siblings, friends and relatives too. It slowly gets woven as a pattern and gets ingrained into the persona of adults – waiting to erode the self-respect and esteem completely, leaving one feel worthless, bitter and futile.

Dignity and respect should be the core of every human being. There should be no excuses, no second chances and no concessions whatsoever when it comes to your dignity. Never exchange your dignity for anything else you may think you can’t do without for it will rebound in the long-term, harming you and your relationship. Your ability lies in preserving your dignity.

Yesterday must have seen a flurry of cards, flowers and gifts being delivered to mothers across the globe. Not to forget the handwritten notes expressing gratitude to the best mothers in the world, universe etc. I hope all mothers were made to feel special about being a mother.

I love my mother too. I admire her and can honestly hope that I do half of what she has done for me, not just as a mother but also as a person. I share everything with her. She is my “go to” person whenever I need an input on a situation and also when I have something exciting to share. She fearlessly points out what’s right for me without mincing or sugar coating her words.

With all of that said, I sincerely feel one day to celebrate a Mother’s Day is an insult to a mother. To mark one day out of 365 days is nothing but mockery. When a mother devotes every single day of the year to her child/children how selfish it is to dedicate one day to her.

There’s another reason which makes me feel otherwise about this ‘day’. It kind of resonates with my views on Valentine’s Day. In my opinion these so called ‘days’ are designed to discriminately showcase the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’ in the world of love and relationships. 

On Valentine’s Day, if one is single, one is not going to enjoy the V day celebrations or its extravagances like flowers, teddy bears or heart shaped motifs. So, when everyone around is fussing over their treats, there would be many who would fail to relate to it. The same applies to Mother’s Day. Not everyone is a mother – some out of choice, some out of no choice. Why would one be made to feel like a ‘have not’ just because one doesn’t have a child?

For those who didn’t feel celebratory yesterday, remember there are good qualities of a mother to honour in every woman. You don’t have to wait to become a mother to feel complete for you are replete (with much more).

However, I can’t help applauding all my readers who are mothers. Parenting is tough and given the stressful times of today, being a mother can be extremely daunting – even in the best of circumstances. Happy Mother’s Day, today and every day!

Couples strive to make their marriage ideal and eventually give up. A marriage can never be ideal no matter what, but a mindset can be.

The human mind is programmed by the law of negative bias, thanks to the human evolution thousands of years ago. Humans were an endangered species and prone to danger. In the process of protecting themselves, they were constantly on the lookout for negative stimuli. Despite having evolved from that phase by becoming a very safe and secure species, human thinking continues to be dominated by a negative stimulus. This applies to a marriage as well. People generally focus on what’s missing or disturbing rather than what’s alright.

People’s definition of an ideal marriage is also based on what they see in other marriages and what lacks in their own. Most of my clients come to me in a comparison mode. “So and so’s husband is so romantic” or “his wife is such a good homemaker and entertains guests regularly”. Forming a judgment based on external perceptions is the biggest deal breaker. What constitutes a marriage is much more than what appears at the superficial level. A couple may be entertaining guests to avoid any internal conflicts at home. Being trapped in a dull marriage, entertaining guests could be their getaway. Someone’s spouse may appear to be romantic, but one can never tell if he/she is romantic when alone with their partner. Very rarely would a picture being depicted and the reality that exists are in sync with each other. A couple will only portray as much as they want to – nothing more or nothing less.

On one of the recent social gatherings, I saw a woman constantly nudging her cousin to validate all the good about her brother in law. “C’mon, jiju is so sweet and cool. He can never get angry and is never demanding”. She went on and on. Finally, her cousin had to snub her by asking her to keep her compliments to herself.  She stated very bluntly that since she wasn’t married to him, she didn’t know who he really was.

Stop going by what you see in other marriages and start seeing the good in your own marriage.  Valuing even a single quality will be worth being in it. Seal your bond with the real and not ideal. Real quick -though not with fevibond or feviquick!!!