Monthly Archives: March 2018

On a recent flight, I had a couple seated next to me. Both looked in their mid-forties. While I had no intentions to invade their privacy, it seemed their mannerisms certainly wanted to invade mine. Their public display of affection looked a little out of sync. Increased movements and expressions during the flight made me realize they were not married. Their conversation thanks to being within my earshot, centred around spouse bashing and children stories – making it obvious they were in an extra marital relationship. To each his/her own, of course!!! But made me ruminate on a few things.

Why do people get into an extra marital affair? May be because their marriage lacks the love, lust, excitement and the exhilaration an affair offers. I have always maintained that any relationship never remains the same. No matter what, it goes through a cycle of ups and downs. So, instead of looking outside for love, why not look within your marriage? After all we are responsible for turning our marriage either boring, annoying, bitter or wonderful. The best analogy I can think of is a plant or our body. If we nurture them with love, care and the right nutrients, it pays us back by resulting in a beautiful plant or a healthy body.

The biggest mistake a couple can make is to take each other for granted. In the process they crib, nag, get suspicious, irritable, intolerant, complacent or insecure, jealous and what not. If these qualities are fed to a marriage, how can it become a paradise of love? instead, why can’t it be nurtured with love, understanding, affection, support, honesty et al? The key to a great marriage is openness. Honesty is a wonderful characteristic of any relationship. But very often fear holds the key to dishonesty. When one is brutally honest with one’s partner, that partner is expected to appreciate the truthfulness. But instead they end up reproaching the partner for the candour.  Honesty is thus diluted and deleted from a marriage.

Frankness and openness are the backbone of any relationship. If you want your marriage to give you a high, the much-wanted stimulation through love, please give it space and closeness in proportion to keep the doors of attraction open even after years. Why seek something complex, immoral and illicit outside? Momentary longing and attraction never create a lasting relationship.

A marriage never grows bitter overnight. The transformation is a long-drawn process. The problem is, most of the times the couple is either oblivious or disinclined to believe there is a problem in their marriage – a problem which can lead to a separation or divorce. Smugness or denial to identify marital discord often paves way for the unwanted, the unpleasant and the unexpected. Regret unfortunately rolls in when its generally too late.

I would like to help my readers understand that its vital to learn where you stand in your marriage and get real about it. Living under an illusion of a hunky-dory marriage can be disastrous. A reality check is required to tackle not just a friction-stricken marriage but any marriage. Every relationship goes through a cycle and if you recognize where you are in this cycle, it can help you work on your marriage/relationship better.

Any intimate bond starts with attraction, a phase where a couple is drawn to each other and love being together. Resistance follows attraction. This is the stage where problems begin to surface. With resistance comes resentment. In this stage problems sometimes don’t get resolved. This is when one or both partners feel unheard and uncared for and yet remain tacit. When this continues, it breeds detachment. A partner generally detaches himself/herself to emotionally protect themselves from the distress. Detachment becomes a shield to disconnect emotionally from one’s partner. Emotional distance generates physical distance, sometimes in the form of a divorce.

Between the emotional and the physical disconnect lies the significant stage of ‘decision’. This is one of the most challenging stages. The decision to stay would mean to engage oneself back into the unpleasant and the decision to move would end the long-term suffering. But, you can reverse your path to break up if you honestly embrace the actuality of where you both are today.

Once you are mindful of the reality, it is possible to build a brand-new marriage where you and your partner can become immensely valuable to each other by keeping the true essence of what you both really are as people. You can support each other to build a rock-solid platform that can weather any ups and downs of life. Just be realistic about yourself, each other and your marriage. After all our real eyes are meant to realize the worth of our reality.

A marriage never grows bitter overnight. The transformation is a long-drawn process. The problem is, most of the times the couple is either oblivious or disinclined to believe there is a problem in their marriage – a problem which can lead to a separation or divorce. Smugness or denial to identify marital discord often paves way for the unwanted, the unpleasant and the unexpected. Regret unfortunately rolls in when its generally too late.

I would like to help my readers understand that its vital to learn where you stand in your marriage and get real about it. Living under an illusion of a hunky-dory marriage can be disastrous. A reality check is required to tackle not just a friction-stricken marriage but any marriage. Every relationship goes through a cycle and if you recognize where you are in this cycle, it can help you work on your marriage/relationship better.

Any intimate bond starts with attraction, a phase where a couple is drawn to each other and love being together. Resistance follows attraction. This is the stage where problems begin to surface. With resistance comes resentment. In this stage problems sometimes don’t get resolved. This is when one or both partners feel unheard and uncared for and yet remain tacit. When this continues, it breeds detachment. A partner generally detaches himself/herself to emotionally protect themselves from the distress. Detachment becomes a shield to disconnect emotionally from one’s partner. Emotional distance generates physical distance, sometimes in the form of a divorce.

Between the emotional and the physical disconnect lies the significant stage of ‘decision’. This is one of the most challenging stages. The decision to stay would mean to engage oneself back into the unpleasant and the decision to move would end the long-term suffering. But, you can reverse your path to break up if you honestly embrace the actuality of where you both are today.

Once you are mindful of the reality, it is possible to build a brand-new marriage where you and your partner can become immensely valuable to each other by keeping the true essence of what you both really are as people. You can support each other to build a rock-solid platform that can weather any ups and downs of life. Just be realistic about yourself, each other and your marriage. After all our real eyes are meant to realize the worth of our reality.

One day is never enough to celebrate women’s day and hence many are against the idea of celebrating it. But if we all go around celebrating the spirit of womanhood, we need to celebrate a woman’s freedom from stereotypes, expectations, idolisation and sacrifice.

Instead of celebrating a woman for her roles as a mother, wife, daughter and a sister, we need to celebrate her as an individual, a person, in isolation of relationships. Michelle Obama and Barack Obama went out for dinner when he was still the President of the United States of America. When seated, they realized Michelle Obama and the owner of the restaurant knew each other. In fact, the owner used to be madly in love with her in their teenage years. When she told the President about it, Mr Obama teasingly told his First lady that had she married him, she could have been the owner of the lovely restaurant. Michelle Obama responded with a smile saying, had she married him, he would have been the President of the United States. A woman’s confidence is supreme.

A woman is saluted for the sacrifices she makes. But why can’t she be helped to reduce those sacrifices?  Instead of justifying her necessity and ability to multi task, why can’t she be given a chance to not multi task? All the constructs aim at making her strive to balance the impossible, why can’t she be imperfect yet happy? A woman always wants to look beautiful because beauty is her first feminine appeal. Why can’t she be told that its not important to be beautiful?

Every woman carries the burden of perfection and righteousness all the time. But she has a right to be imperfect, whimsical, irresponsible, lazy, fierce, opinionated, adventurous, unpredictable, unprepared and impractical. To just be. Without a label. Without any judgmental eyes judging her through the conventional lens. When we talk about the conventional, why not encourage her to do the unconventional – to learn to change a tyre, to fix a gadget or use a drill? And men should learn what’s unconventional for them – sewing/stitching/knitting, cooking, ironing. Gender biased roles need to change. One should learn what’s important and helpful instead of segregating tasks based on gender.

Life is a celebration. Let’s not restrict it to a day or gender. Everyday should be celebrated by one and all. Happy everyday!!