Who is guilty – you or your partner?

Are you one of those who is badgered around and made to feel guilty at the drop of a hat by your “partner? If you allow your partner to do that you are encouraging what psychologists call ‘guilt transference’. It is very common for people who simply refuse to take responsibility of their actions to blame their partners – especially for the actions that are inappropriate. As if their partners trigger a particular exploit.

I used to be in therapy with a husband who was always accused of cheating. His wife constantly called him a liar and would question any communication on his phone. “Is that an email from your girlfriend?” He was always questioned about where he was and what he was doing. His answers were always honest – if at work he would say so, would explain every text message or an email – patiently and in in detail.

Although this is a common scenario in many households, something in me told me that there was more to this than meets the eye. Finally, we found out that the wife was cheating and was putting the blame on the husband so that she was not caught. She was trying to transfer her guilt on her husband. He was devastated to learn the reality. He wondered what made her break his trust. He decided to end the marriage.

Trust is the basis of any relationship. Given the technology driven times of today, there are enough avenues to have a fling or an extra-marital relationship. Its humanly neither possible nor advisable to keep a tab on one’s partner’s continuously.  People who want to cheat can always find a way of doing it. But if you have to keep a constant eye on your partner or his/her phone, it’s not worth it. You are wasting your precious time of your life. You should be able to blindly trust your partner or if not, turn a blind eye to his/her escapades. The choice is yours but remember when a person tries to twist and cast a blame on one’s partner for his/her wrong doings, it reflects an unhealthy mentality.  Do not allow yourself to be treated as a victim by a person with a toxic mind.  Let your partner know you are strong and smart and that he/she is weak and wrong.