Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

41% of first marriages end in divorce. 60% of second marriages end in divorce and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.  Shouldn’t these grim statistics be the other way around? One should actually get better at picking a partner. So, if you think, you are unhappy in your current relationship, and you will be happy in your next one – the odds are you won’t be.  if you are unhappy in one relationship, you go on to be unhappy in your next relationship. Unless, you are really embroiled in a toxic relationship, it’s not about the partner you choose, its about you. If you carry the same issues from relationship to relationship, you will continue recreating the same old experiences in your new relationships. People who are controlling, will continue being controlling in their next relationship.  those who are insecure, will be the same in their next one and those who are fake, and manipulative can never get back to being genuine in their future relationships. Hence the patterns continue and so do the problems.

And when the problems arise, many starts holding their partners responsible for their feelings and sense of self-worth. It is as if they are expecting them to take away their feelings of discomfort and make them feel alright. This belief makes one behave in destructive ways. Its like you have relinquished your personal responsibility of your feelings. You expect your partner to give you what you’re not giving yourself.  So, you get into one of these three modes: you end up being overly nice and accommodating to your partner or become over possessive and super cautious or get into an overly submissive and caretaking mode. Through this, you try to get love and avoid pain. but in the process, you end up pushing your partner away and create even more insecurity, anxiety and anger in the relationship.

Leaning on to your partner to make you feel alright is going to burden your partner to a point where they feel pressured, smothered and controlled.

You have got to realize that you are the only person who can make you feel alright. Take responsibility of your feelings. You cannot connect with others when you are disconnected from your own self. you don’t need others to constantly pay attention to you to make you feel better. Once you learn the process of learning to define your own self-worth, it becomes a habit, a lifestyle to take care of yourself. Do not get into a relationship out of neediness or control. All you need to do is give yourself the love and validation you need, to naturally share that love and create a wonderful relationship for you and your partner.

Do not get stuck in the rut of choosing the same person over and over, until you sort your underlying issues that led you to choose that person in the first place. If everyone of us understands this, probably the grim statistics of divorce would change.

In order to have a successful relationship with others, we need to have a wonderful relationship with our own self. I am going to ask you a very important and relevant question which probably is coming in the way of your happiness.

Do you feel your attempts to feel happy are never enough?

At the outset, it may seem as if you have everything to feel happy about. But there’s always something in the background that’s stopping you to feel that happiness.

Are you one of those who wants your partner to show you more love despite being in a committed relationship? Do you wish your partner would open up more, be more affectionate and may be more romantic?

Did you have fun at your recent date but aren’t particularly excited about meeting your date again?

Do you go shopping on a whim, end up spending a fortune and feel happy only to get back home and feel it was unnecessary?

Did you get your dream job only to make you realize its more of a nightmare than a dream, just because it doesn’t make you happy?

Happiness is evading you because you are trying to fill a void inside you through external factors – your relationship, money or your job.

To fill that emptiness, you need to learn to do what will change your perception about everything. And that will come when you learn to love yourself.

When you love yourself, you will feel immense peace and happiness with the outside world, but you can never seek that peace and happiness through it.

The best part about loving yourself can help you value the love you receive from others and you don’t have to worry about losing that love.

When you love yourself, you can live a life that reflects who really are. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

Learning to love yourself is the most powerful tool you can equip yourself with.

It is easier said than done to love yourself especially if you haven’t done it for all this while. To love yourself you must get rid of a few things which hinder your falling in love with yourself process.

For example, you spend money on yourself thinking you deserve it. Which means you will buy yourself nice things or may be indulge in massages, holidays, expensive cars or treat yourself in an expensive restaurant. People usually scout for that big fix that would give them that instant gratification to feel better about their life or relationship. Instant gratification never works, for they don’t really cater to what you are at the core.

Another common practice which comes in the way of self-love is when you do things for others so that they won’t label you as a bad person. People pleasing behaviour to do things for others when you really don’t want to, not disagreeing with a friend just because u don’t want to disappoint or lose them, seeking approval from others to feel good will never make you feel good for more than a few days.

Last but not the least, you keep searching for that ideal relationship and think your life will be perfect the day you find the right partner. This is a losing strategy because you are looking at another person to make you feel complete. If you don’t love yourself, no matter what, you will never feel loved by anyone else. But, when you love yourself, your relationships will improve. You won’t be hiding your true self from others. Your honest and integrity will be second to none. It will give you another level of confidence, security and calm around your loved ones.

Once you learn to delve into your deeper self, your health and wellbeing will bloom. It will help you enjoy each day and end your chronic dissatisfaction and increase your inner peace and happiness.

I was in a joint session with a couple, when the wife gets a phone call from her outstation friend. She excuses herself to speak to her right in the middle of a session. She wanted to prove a point to her husband. The friend was inviting her to visit her for a few days. The phone was put on speaker and she responded to the invitation by saying her husband wouldn’t “allow” her to get away from home. While my eyebrows were raised, the husband appeared nonchalant. The wife precisely wanted to prove how controlling her husband was.

While I find fault with the husband to hold the controlling strings, I also find fault with the wife for putting the controls in his hands. Why would she want to seek permission to go? Or why would she want to presume, she wouldn’t be allowed to go? Of course, the statement must be based on some past experiences. However, controlling behaviour on part of either of the spouses is damaging to the relationship.

Wives who are not financially independent normally let their husbands rule the roost. It’s as if an unwritten law that the provider is the decision maker. It’s a given that he rules. Just because one of the partners doesn’t earn, doesn’t mean he/she is inferior to their partner. Marriage is not about a power battle, based on some financial benchmark. Both partners should be able to breathe equally and freely.

The partner who is not the breadwinner need to see him/herself in a poor light. A stay at home wife or a mother has tons to do in terms of running the house or bringing up a baby. For some reason, the significance of a person staying at home is always underestimated. It’s easier said than done. Wives of controlling husbands have no say. They are in constant fear of distress and hence end up being controlled and act as puppets.

It’s high time the situation changes. Both the spouses need to realize that both are doing a great job in their own capacity as either the provider or the nurturer. Trying to dominate or control your partner will only bring you a lot of contempt and resentment in the eyes of your partner. False superiority based on gender or financial discrimination leads to frivolity and inequality. Believe in equality and see your relationship reflecting alacrity.

The number of marriages is declining while the number of divorces is going up. However latest research shows that most divorces are not a result of big fights but rather a process that fades out a relationship gradually.

Majority of couples want their relationship to culminate into a marriage, thinking marriage is a bed of roses. When the motive to get married is wrong, the relationship ahead is going to be wrong. It will be dealt with in a wrong way as well. Marriage is about growing, evolving, learning and developing but when treaded upon the wrong way, it gets just the opposite and ends up stagnating and deteriorating. Marriage is daunting. It’s hard work and it is a 24×7 job.

It’s always better to be realistic to know some signs indicating trouble in one’s marital paradise. First and foremost being married and living like a single person is something to think about. When the future doesn’t include one’s spouse, one needs to find out if the marriage is going to stand the test of time. Enjoying time without one’s spouse is one of the biggest red flags to consider. When one loses interest to fix one’s marriage, it is almost a dead marriage. When contempt and criticism are expressed towards the spouse at the drop of a hat, there is a major relationship malfunction. When one cannot hold talks without arguing, it shows the sad state of marriage. Also, when there are zero arguments, it is equally worrisome. Both or either spouse has given up on the marriage. When one cannot or wouldn’t want to talk about one’s problems to one’s spouse, one should consider it over. When wanting undivided attention becomes a task, the relationship is in doldrums. Last but not the least, when one stops respecting one’s better half, it’s time to call it quits.

Instead of waiting eternally to either improve or end the relationship, dwell over your issues. Re-evaluate your relationship to find out where you stand. A marriage is a beautiful journey to be enjoyed together with your spouse, the person you spend maximum time with. If it becomes a drain, it’s time to convert the red flags into flags of truce.

Break-up specialists are the latest specialized relationship experts. They help people get through their heartbreak and move on. These specialists focus on the red flags in a relationship to find out if it’s going downhill. According to them, when a relationship becomes emotionally draining and all consuming, it is time to  reconsider.

No relationship is ever ideal. Every couple goes through the occasional distress every now and then. But if one is feeling constantly stressed, the moment they think about their partner, its time to rethink. Devoting one’s energy to a partner who isn’t reciprocating one’s needs can be frustrating. When a partner seems unsupportive, communication takes a back seat and it can be mentally exhausting. It can lead to fatigue, anxiety and depression.

Of course, emotional problems don’t necessarily mean one needs to break up with one’s partner. But there are certain aspects which need some help from a therapist to work through them. When one feels anxious about one’s partner’s issues all the time, and if it makes them focus only on the ways to fix the issues rather than worrying about their own wellbeing, it can be emotionally draining. Also, with a tendency to fix a problem, one ends up becoming the caretaker in the relationship. One starts to offer support and care to ensure their partner feels listened to and has someone to lean on. This in turn is expected from the partner in return. And if the same intensity of support is not provided, it leads to distress.

Expecting one’s partner to be supportive is natural. One should be able to lend an ear to facilitate some venting. But the moment one becomes an emotional labourer to deal with the problem on behalf of one’s partner, one is forced to put one’s own issues aside. Over helping can take a toll on the relationship. When this happens, one loses interest in being physically affectionate towards one’s partner. There is nothing left to be given since everything is already taken. Without effective communication and affection, intimacy of any kind can just drop and suck the life out of a relationship.

Invest in your relationship but do not over invest. Evaluate your relationship to make sure it is functioning at an optimal emotional level. All you want to do is to level the scores – play fair and fight fair, to make your relationship ‘fair and lovely’.