41% of first marriages end in divorce. 60% of second marriages end in divorce and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. Shouldn’t these grim statistics be the other way around? One should actually get better at picking a partner. So, if you think, you are unhappy in your current relationship, and you will be happy in your next one – the odds are you won’t be. if you are unhappy in one relationship, you go on to be unhappy in your next relationship. Unless, you are really embroiled in a toxic relationship, it’s not about the partner you choose, its about you. If you carry the same issues from relationship to relationship, you will continue recreating the same old experiences in your new relationships. People who are controlling, will continue being controlling in their next relationship. those who are insecure, will be the same in their next one and those who are fake, and manipulative can never get back to being genuine in their future relationships. Hence the patterns continue and so do the problems.
And when the problems arise, many starts holding their partners responsible for their feelings and sense of self-worth. It is as if they are expecting them to take away their feelings of discomfort and make them feel alright. This belief makes one behave in destructive ways. Its like you have relinquished your personal responsibility of your feelings. You expect your partner to give you what you’re not giving yourself. So, you get into one of these three modes: you end up being overly nice and accommodating to your partner or become over possessive and super cautious or get into an overly submissive and caretaking mode. Through this, you try to get love and avoid pain. but in the process, you end up pushing your partner away and create even more insecurity, anxiety and anger in the relationship.
Leaning on to your partner to make you feel alright is going to burden your partner to a point where they feel pressured, smothered and controlled.
You have got to realize that you are the only person who can make you feel alright. Take responsibility of your feelings. You cannot connect with others when you are disconnected from your own self. you don’t need others to constantly pay attention to you to make you feel better. Once you learn the process of learning to define your own self-worth, it becomes a habit, a lifestyle to take care of yourself. Do not get into a relationship out of neediness or control. All you need to do is give yourself the love and validation you need, to naturally share that love and create a wonderful relationship for you and your partner.
Do not get stuck in the rut of choosing the same person over and over, until you sort your underlying issues that led you to choose that person in the first place. If everyone of us understands this, probably the grim statistics of divorce would change.