Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

The biggest mistake that most couples make in intimate relationships, especially once married is to take each other for granted. We all know the repercussions of taking someone for granted. It only breeds monotony in the relationship and takes away the essence of the dynamics that once created the relationship. A universal deal breaker.

But another mistake almost every couple makes is taking themselves for granted. When one starts taking one’s own self for granted, one unconsciously starts disrupting the equation of the relationship. Many couples I meet, generally come up with one common complaint saying their partner has changed. Now, this happens when one starts taking oneself for granted.

Generally, at the onset of a new relationship, a couple would go out of their way to impress or please each other. They would try to be well groomed, keep themselves abreast with the latest news and happenings, dress up well and basically pamper themselves apart from pampering their partner. But once they get hitched, they don’t really feel the need to do much about themselves. When pointed out, they feel they have a right to be themselves in the relationship. Well, one doesn’t have to change one’s inherent self, but changing what was once showcased is kind of letting one’s partner down. There are so many husbands who expect their wives to look nice, while they are so dishevelled themselves.

A wife had filed a petition for divorce since she was fed up with her husband’s slovenliness. He refused to shave and shower. The husband was given a warning to mend his ways or else, they would grant her a divorce.

Taking one’s self for granted is like compromising with one’s self-esteem and feel good factors. Only if one feels good about one’s self, one can feel good about the relationship. How many times have we heard married couples looking at their wedding albums and comparing themselves to now. “I used to be so slim” or “I really liked the way I decked up then, compared to now” or “we look so happy”. Haven’t we heard wives being sarcastic to their husbands saying “you will always find her more attractive than me because she has a good figure” or a husband getting insecure when his wife praises her gym instructor. Who asked you to stop taking care of yourself?

Who is asking the husband or the wife to binge on food and drinks and put on weight? Eat well, exercise, dress up well, remain well-groomed and feed yourself with the right thoughts and knowledge. Be responsible for your own deeds and see what ensues. Taking yourself or your partner for granted, is not granted…

A recent meeting with a client couple was very enlightening. Seeing each other for more than a couple of years, they sought my help to understand the ensuing differences between them. As any relationship passes past the initial euphoric phase, a new insight grows into the minds of the couple seeing each other. This couple had a beautiful beginning. As much as it seems common, to start off smoothly is not always a given. Many couples go through some teething problems. In order to help their relationship, they need to work on themselves. But the couple I was seeing shared a wonderful chemistry from day one. According to them there was this instant click which made them click.

Two years of euphoria, bliss and ease transformed into differences, apprehensions and criticism. But having invested a lot in the relationship, they refused to let go of each other. Something I really liked. Its very easy for couples who haven’t tied the knot to give up on each other. They always have options. But something was very different about this couple.

A very pleasant looking couple in their late twenties, came and sat on my couch like two small children. Their body language was very childlike too. Their comfort level with each other was second to none. They had shared a beautiful journey for two years and that reflected in their demeanour. They had major differences and were discontent with the way things had unfolded, but that certainly didn’t take away any sweetness between them and neither did it make them bitter. A quality that’s indeed rare in today’s day and age.

My point here is not to talk about their problems but to highlight the fact that despite the equation not remaining what it was once upon a time, one doesn’t have to turn hostile. All couples young and not so young should emulate this couple. They had a distinct aura about themselves as individuals which had a cascading effect on their relationship.

No matter what both of you are going through, the moment you look within and tell yourself to control all the negativity, focus on your and your partner’s strengths, the lessons learnt, and the memories earned, you can deal with any relationship distress. Regardless of whose fault it is and whether you can keep it sweet and simple without making it messy and complex, you can weather any storm of your relationship. After a storm, comes a calm, but you can be the calm before the storm.

The capacity to recover quickly from a problem is called resilience. But it is not a trait that one has or doesn’t have. Although it is partly determined genetically, it is a skill which can be developed. An intrinsic part of positive psychology, resilience is a magic drug which can heal all wounds and right all wrongs.

This tendency to bounce back depends one’s experiences. And that’s one of the reasons people have different resilience levels. It depends on the amount of emotional distress a person has gone through – no pain, no gain!

While no one comes with a shield to protect oneself from difficult situations, some people spring back easily, while it’s a struggle for others. People with a strong sense of purpose are more resilient than others. It has been scientifically proved that purpose in life builds resilience by protecting the brain against the negative effects of stress.

Resilience goes hand in hand with optimism, emotional intelligence, humour, compassion and equanimity. One should also factor in sociability and social competence – the basis of all social interactions. Relationships need positive emotions and regulation of negative emotions to survive. To enrich the quality of relationship, one needs  to continually enhance one’s resilience.

Developing resilience is a personal journey. It needs to be built like a muscle – through small yet incremental steps. Replacing old paradigms, say for example worry or anxiety, with renewed positive interpretations of a situation can be a focal point here. Leveraging one of the most difficult events of life by positively finding meaning in one’s stressful environment can help one become resilient.

The Japanese concept of happiness,’ ikigai’ rests on the premise of looking forward to waking up every morning. A strong purpose can make life meaningful – who are you, what makes you feel alive the most, what are you grateful about et. al. By fostering positive thoughts and emotions, one can broaden one’s thoughts and actions towards fulfilling experiences. Happier people are known to be more resilient and vice-versa. Humour seems to have eroded from people. Incorporating daily humour leads to improved relationships and in turn breeds more resilience.

Since no relationship is conflict proof and because it comes with its own share of conflicts and issues, resilience is the secret ingredient to make it work. Resilient people are known to enjoy better quality of relationships. Show me some evidence you have resilience.

The latest research suggests the young adults of today are in the process of redefining a lot of things – relationships included. No pressure from the society or people around them can force them to give up on their freedom. The current generation seems to echo the need to live on their own terms. They seem to defy all the rules but their own. Marriage certainly doesn’t seem to be on their cards – may be till they have ticked all the right boxes of achievements.

Youngsters these days nurture values and opinions very different from their parents’. They also seem unperturbed when not in sync with their friends’ preferences. They are just out there to break the clutches of the conventional. The attitude that no one knows them better than themselves seems to rule the roost. Having grown up in a world very different from the one their parents grew up in is probably a major factor of mismatch, particularly in relationships and matrimony. Their idea of what a marriage brings to the table is very different from what their parents think. It’s difficult to tell what appeals them. For girls, guys well settled, tall, dark and handsome, professionals or entrepreneurs don’t seem to float their boat. Beautiful, fair, homely girls no longer attract the young guys of today. Default traditional gender roles don’t exist in their lives.

One of the reasons why parental or societal influence doesn’t work for them is the strong presence of the social media. It has become a great source of validation. The YOLO generation is not unnerved about talking to total strangers through social media. In fact, quite a few would rather find a meaningful relationship through a dating app than through family or friends – a normal narrative focussing on the ‘my vs all others’ validation. “What will people say” seems meaningless. They refuse to conform to the norms and judgements of the society.

The research further indicates that marriage doesn’t essentially seem to be mandatory for people in love, proving their priorities and happiness triggers are diverse. For them a relationship is a journey and not a destination. When they plight their troth, nothing would deter them from choosing a partner they think is right for them.

Youngsters have been forced to compromise but it seems they have come with a promise to compromise no more – a threat or a promise?

The age-old adage ‘to err is human and forgive is divine’ is not as simple (to follow) as it sounds. Especially forgiveness, for it requires a sustained effort and commitment on the part of the person from whom forgiveness is sought. It’s not easy to ask for forgiveness either.  Everybody at some point in their lives get into situations where they need to grant or ask for forgiveness.  

How should one function when in the wrong? Confession is the first step towards forgiveness. One must admit the wrong doing. This must be followed by a sincere apology. The key point here is to understand the pain of the person one is asking forgiveness from. An apology by itself is not powerful enough. One needs to empathise with emotional experience of the person after the confession. Relationship is more valuable than one’s inflated ego. One must strive to wade above the ego and try to compensate for the wrongdoing. Restating with conviction that the same would never be repeated should be emphasised. Asking explicitly for forgiveness reflects one’s genuine remorse and intent to change.

It can be equally daunting for the person to forgive. Not only can he/she not empathize with the transgressor, it’s almost impossible sometimes to feel sorry for the person who inflicted pain or harm. Journaling the positives of the relationship and of the partner involved can dilute the intensity of pain. Emotional replacement can come in handy.  Replacing some negative emotions with positive ones can facilitate the process of forgiving. One can always change the magnitude of the mistake by taking control of the situation. What’s done cannot be undone but forgiving is something which is well within the realms of one’s control. Last but not the least one can always visualize a hypothetical situation and see if one can live without the person at fault or can one accept him/her despite the fault and forgive?

Its always easy to dwell on people’s faults and hold on to grudges. But it has been proved that forgiveness reduces distress and increases life satisfaction which in turn leads to higher levels of happiness. Forgiveness is not always about others but also about self-forgiveness. Our sense of self is defined through our relationship with others. Hence the need to forgive others as well as our own self. Live to give – forgiveness for happiness.

Words have the power to heal or hurt. Hurtful words can be emotionally degenerating. The irony is when such words are uttered by people we love, it hurts us even more.

Communication through harsh words seems to be the order of the day. Rationalized thinking would try putting the love on a pedestal and consider these words as an intrinsic part of the process. However, just like an arrow that has left the bow never returns, words once uttered can never be retracted, leaving the person at the receiving end hurt and how.

Offensive words escalate into verbal abuses when couples don’t exercise enough control over their temper. While this may seem temporary and a couple may get back to being normal, it hampers the equation of the relationship. Again, yelling at one’s partner is something which takes an intense toll on the relationship. The partner who loses his/her cool usually apologizes for their unacceptable behaviour. Although a natural tendency, the damage is irreversible. Their partner is expected to take it as a momentary reaction and accept the apologies gracefully. And when a partner continues to be affected by this behaviour, they are like, “do I jump out of the window to prove I don’t do it deliberately?”  It’s a paradox to see such a partner showing remorse at the same time appearing nonchalant. It can be very difficult to survive in this kind of a relationship.

In situations like these, one needs to start zooming in on many factors that influence both the partners. Each partner needs to understand the depth of each other’s feelings. They need to show extra empathy to each other by putting themselves in each other’s shoes. “Would I like being shouted by my partner or would I be happy hearing some detestable words from my partner?”

The best possible way to refrain from getting into these kinds of situations is to think twice before speaking whenever in an argument. Instead of crying over spilled milk, one should be doubly careful about not letting the milk spill in the first place.

If you are in a relationship with your partner, you ought to make sure that you respect each other. Intimacy doesn’t grant you the liberty to hurl harsh words or use fowl language against your partner. Words can be sticky. Be a stickler in using them.

We are seldom conscious when we brush our teeth, apply a moisturiser or undertake any such mundane activity. Chores are generally performed mechanically. Apart from these nearly programmed rituals, a lot of   unconscious behaviour gets ingrained within us and forms into a pattern. While these behavioural patterns may seem helpful as they may not tax our minds, such patterns come in the way of relationships. Here are a few examples of how.

There was a husband who felt his wife wanted to be in control of everything. So, apart from going to work, he let her be in the driver’s seat about everything else. All major decisions were taken by her. Eventually, she became the man of the house and he couldn’t really connect with the woman he was married to. He wanted to leave her. Here, the wife didn’t realize her control wielding behaviour came in the way of their relationship.

I have seen another case of a woman who was married earlier and had been through a bad marriage. She would hold back her love from her husband just because she was scared it wouldn’t be reciprocated like in her first marriage. Her pattern of self-protection by withdrawing her love from her husband drove him into the arms of another woman.

A man’s depression though treated, came in the way of his marriage. His biggest fear was he wouldn’t be loved and thus longed for sympathy. The wife on the other hand was fed up with sympathy ruling the roost of their relationship and love taking a back seat. Eventually she divorced him. The man’s behaviour because of his fear became a cold, withdrawn and emotionless pattern hampering the dynamics of his relationship. With time the wife became emotionally emptied and ended up with an affair and eventually a divorce.

When people try to change themselves inherently by becoming what they are not, they set a pattern of behaviour which doesn’t sync well with their persona and creates a conflict with the unconscious. Not being what one inherently is, always comes in the way of a relationship.

Its not always easy to be aware of some self-patterns. People are limited by what they know and that keeps them away from experiencing marital harmony. The wrong patterns can be catastrophic for a couple. Treat patterns as designs. How about your relationship by design?

Love is blind, and marriage is an eye opener is relevant to those who haven’t known their partners well before getting married. And when I say not known them “well”, I mean really well, with warts and all and for enough time. Tying the knot after briefly knowing one’s partner is bound to lead to disillusionment. Disillusionment and distress go hand in hand in relationships.

Most people feel any relationship should culminate into a marriage. Culmination is a kind of closure and why would one want anything to end? Not to say, one shouldn’t get married. But a marriage certainly doesn’t mean the culmination of happiness and the beginning of challenges. It’s this attitude and not the marriage which breeds boredom and nonchalance in a relationship.

The outlook towards a marriage needs a major shift. Every couple needs to refurbish their relationship fundamentals. Primarily, feeling a marriage is the end of romance is a fallacy.  To keep that attraction and longing going, one shouldn’t have too much of each other. Enough space should be taken and given, limiting the scope to take each other for granted. Secondly, the mentality to exercise a right over each other should be exorcised. Just because one is married, doesn’t mean one can get away with murder or expect the moon. Instead of looking at marriage as a license to get away with anything and everything, one should focus on the relationship dynamics and whether the equation shared before continues.

Duties and responsibilities mar every relationship but if they are shared and worked out, life becomes easier and don’t hamper a beautiful relationship otherwise. For example, if one partner is working and slogging it out, the other partner should be understanding enough and manage the rest of the show. And when the show is managed well, the working partner shouldn’t feel just because their partner is home, he/she is having it easy for its never easy.

Last but not the least, every individual should continue to look happy and attractive. Putting on weight, losing interest and becoming complacent is directly proportional to an unhappy and a compromised relationship.

A happier, satisfying and stimulating marriage only needs a swing in your thinking. The right thinking will lead to the right behaviour. Do you think you can change it? I think you can.

“If you study hard, you will be rewarded” or “if you get full marks, you will get that bike”. If you don’t come back home in time, you will not be allowed to go out again” or if you talk to that friend, we won’t speak to you.” A very common household scenario. When children are brought up in an environment where conditions have played an important and frequent part, they continue the trend of using conditions in their relationships later on. How many times have we seen a husband or a wife wearing a long face, withdrawing, being radio silent to showcase their resentment? It’s almost a warning that such situations would always warrant such a behaviour from them.  It may sound childish to the partner who is being subjected to such a behaviour. But can’t blame them to not understand their spouse’s childhood experiences have led to this kind of conditioning – always trying to prove a point through conditional ‘give and take.’

A relationship marked by frequent conditions can never blossom. Whether it’s a relationship between a husband and a wife or a child and parents, the moment conditions come in, it can be distressful. Two things can happen in families plagued by conditions all the time – either the child or the spouse gets so affected that they end up fearing the person putting conditions or it can escalate into further problems, when a person refuses to be controlled by conditions. He or she may start rebelling and in the process the family peace is disrupted.

People are wrong when they feel that conditions make relationships disciplined and thus more satisfying. Conditions and relationship satisfaction are inversely proportional to each other. More conditions mean the relationship is less satisfying. Conditions can strangle the growth of relationships.

Conditional relationships are always transitory in nature. They don’t last and even if they do, it’s certainly not real. One should be able to accept and appreciate someone – warts and all. Grades, education, jobs or status should never tilt the scales of relationships.

Real relationships are never dictated by conditions put by someone or by the conditions marking the ups and downs of life. Please make sure you create the right conditions to nurture a relationship free of conditions – the only conditioner being your air or hair conditioner.