Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

So many couples come to me distressed – not because they have a problem with each other but because they have problems with their in-laws. Given the patriarchal society we live in, its generally, the wife who bears the brunt of her in-laws. Our culture encourages a marriage between two families and not two individuals. While it sounds a beautiful communion, it seldom remains beautiful. Unfortunately, the same family members spoil it for their married children.

One of my recent clients came to me very upset about her mother in law. She thought she was awful, manipulative, selfish and inept at communicating. According to her the mother in law always made attempts to pit her husband against her. Her husband on the other hand was aware of his mother’s tactics but let her get away every time since she was his mother. Things reached a stage with her husband that any conversation centred around her mother in law escalated into a fight and fights into epic battles.

It can be awfully stressful for any woman to go through such emotional difficulties. It can be equally stressing for any husband since he beautifully gets sandwiched between his wife and mother. How does he even the scales of two people so close and important? A daunting task indeed. However, if he knows his mother has a problem and is difficult to deal with, he must gently talk to his mother about breaking her patterns of behaviour. Also, she needs to know that though its affecting his equation with his wife, he’s not going to let that continue. The price he’s paying to put up with her problematic nature is too high. He should step back and let his mother rebuild his relationship with his wife. Better late than never.

When a husband intends to do so much, the wife should become calmer and appreciate her husband’s efforts.  After all, it’s never easy for a son to go against his mother. He would always aspire for a happy ending and want things to work out between the two ladies. Regardless of whether the ending is happy or not, it’s the effort that counts.

Don’t let anyone come between your spouse and you. Disturbances will come and go but how you sail through such turbulences is what matters. Don’t let any matter batter your relationship. No matter what.

The nature of relationships solicits expecting the unexpected. At the onset of a relationship, when there are no expectations, the unexpected happens, leaving one pleasantly surprised. A newly courting girlfriend may not be expecting her boyfriend to go out of his way to plan a special surprise on her birthday.  She may also be surprised by a celebration to mark their first month of romance. So, when a boyfriend does something special for his girlfriend on her birthday, she would expect him to do that every year. And when it doesn’t happen, she’s disappointed and the relationship satisfaction graph takes a beating. A relationship gives rise to expectations. Once things start happening beyond the expected, expectations follow suit. The age of relationship and fulfilment of expectations are inversely proportionate. Ironical indeed!

‘No expectations, no disappointments’ goes the age-old adage. But is it really possible to keep one’s expectations under check in a relationship? Even if it’s possible, what is the point of a relationship where expectations must take a back seat? Every relationship should nurture the expectations of one’s partner as long as they are not   unreasonable, unreal and too many.

Similarly, in a marriage, initially a couple would do anything and everything for each other. Although it doesn’t continue for long, it is expected to continue. With time, the special things a couple did for each other dwindle and that couple may start feeling things have changed. Also, if one of the partners is more expressive in terms of celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, important occasions, he or she would expect to be reciprocated with the same for theirs. When their spouse fails to level scales, they end up feeling distressed. But unless it is not verbalized, the partner may not know at all.

Marriage is all about meeting each other’s needs but it’s also about meeting your own needs. Marital expectations are a part of your own needs. Communicating your expectations with your partner is essential to keep the relationship ticking. Your expectations can help you achieve the kind of relationship you want rather than compromising on your expectations and letting them slide by. Expect, provided you feel you deserve it, it’s not unreasonable and its achievable. Make your spouse understand that to take care of your expectations is expected. Someone very rightly said, “It is not love that disappoints us. Expecting it won’t is what does.” 

As Samuel Johnson very aptly said the chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. In continuation to our last week’s column, the list of negative habits is endless. But highlighting a few more can prevent a marriage from getting damaged. A tendency in long-term marriages develops into a habit of not prioritizing intimacy – at various levels. One should change this habit at any cost to make a marriage invaluable with time. The habit to forget to be romantic after marriage can kill a relationship even before it matures.

Marriage is more about focussing on the future than the present – a habit or an outlook held by many. Couples are busy mapping out their detailed future together. While planning at a macro level is always beneficial, micro planning can take that mystery and wonder away.

To err is human but challenging to take criticism especially from one’s partner. Its crucial to form a habit to listen to one’s partner with an open mind no matter how challenging it seems. Holding unnecessary grudges can be a harmful habit. People struggle to let things go. Its important to be able to forgive and forget and not let things accumulate in the form of antipathies for long.

The habit to forget one’s ‘me time’ once hitched is destructive. Wanting to spend 24×7 with one’s partner can be intense, and one needs some time alone regularly. Having no personal hobbies is a part of this habit.

Every relationship is about ‘give and take’. But if it becomes a habit to give too much, it can be traumatic – compromising one’s needs in the process. Its never a good habit to give in to one’s partner’s wishes and needs all the time. People also have the habit to cribbing about their partner to their family and friends. Venting is a human need. But when it comes to a marriage, one should guard the privacy of that space and not let an outsider enter. The most detrimental habit these days is spending too much time on the cell phone, which always interferes with the relationship. Divided attention leads to conflicts beyond repair. The habit to check one’s partner’s phone should be also broken immediately.

To co-habit with your spouse, edit your habits.

It has been proved that even the smallest of bad habits can have a negative impact on one’s marriage. Let’s start with the worst habit which most couples have – the habit to change or improve one’s partner. The moment this idea germinates in the mind of a person, it puts him/her into a false superior mode and leads to unnecessary power struggle in a marriage.

 A very common habit in these technology infused times is the practice of squabbling via text messages. Prolonging a fight through text messages can spoil a relationship. Having serious conversations through the same medium can be troublesome. In tune with this habit comes the habit of posting about one’s partner on the social media – particularly venting can have an adverse impact on the relationship. A partner always wants to feel safe and attached. But this habit can take that attachment away.

 A very detrimental habit is to compare one’s partner to others. Making comparisons is a human tendency but when it becomes a habit to compare one’s partner at the drop of a hat, it ruins a relationship. To accept one’s partner as a unique individual will get rid of this habit. So, when one should refrain from making stark comparisons, one should also refrain from keeping one’s feelings bottled up. Communication is the key to any strong relationship. Feelings should always be shared – good or bad. Inability to do so have manifestations in the form of resentment, anger and frustration.

The moment one is married, the mentality to own one’s spouse sets in. It leads to a habit of not giving space. Although it could be a result of inner fears and insecurities, one should stop oneself from cultivating this habit. Not giving enough space leads to familiarity which breeds contempt and takes each other’s presence for granted. The quality of relationship is thus compromised.

Another very bad habit with many couples is to argue in public spaces. Arguing publicly creates couple shame which can be mentally wounding. As opposed to arguing in public, giving silent treatment is another bad habit to avoid. Couples who use silence frequently as a conflict mechanism have low relationship satisfaction, poor intimacy and communication.

Habits first start as cobwebs and then become cables. Stop being a creature of your habits or you will be entangled in them forever.

Every relationship comes with a cost. Intimate included. At what cost, depends completely on the person involved. The costs can be multi-dimensional – financial, social, personal and many more. While, the first two would become an intrinsic part of any relationship, at what personal cost can one afford to remain in a relationship remains a question mark. ‘Personal’ cost entails infringement on privacy, hampering one’s hobbies and interests, likes and dislikes, resistance in nursing one’s idiosyncrasies et. al. The list is not exhaustive and there are so many more.

Most couples or individuals pay heavily by cutting off with their family, relatives and friends once involved. While at a certain juncture it could be justified – courtesy bitter experiences with the inner circle people, that apart no other situation solicits such a move. Overtly unfair on the people who were a part of their lives for all these years, only to be side lined by a new entrant in their orbit. A big personal cost.

I know a couple. Right from their courtship days the woman discouraged her man from keeping any relations with his family. The motive behind making him lose touch with his family was to break his support system – to make him so dependent on her that he would be forced to commit. Now, any sane person would not blindly tread such a path and ignore one’s family, but there are people who momentarily get so involved with their partners, that they cannot see beyond them. The irony of the entire situation was such that the woman continued to live and be a part of her family and expected him to be nice to them. But he was stopped from interacting with his. Love is blind, but the guy was super blind.

Having a partner who doesn’t want you to have anything to do with your family reflects a lot about him/her. Also, a partner who cuts off all the ties with his/her family for the sake of their partner speaks volumes about them as a person. When a person can break an eternal bond with the family, do you think that person would think twice before calling it quits with their partner? Sadly, the person who wants their partner to sever ties with his/her family is dumb to realize. Plant your seeds properly for what you sow, so you reap.

A polite expression of praise and admiration one commonly terms as ‘compliment’ seems to go out of stock once married. Before marriage there’s no dearth, in fact the stock is inexhaustible. Then why the dearth once hitched? Among many things one takes for granted in a marriage, extraction of compliments is one of them – compliments not only cease to pour, they cease to sprinkle altogether. Marriage, especially in our country seems to give the license to take each other for granted. When couples change or stop focussing on the finer nuances like showering compliments, expressing love and gratitude, they once used to, one may feel one’s partner has changed – although they inherently remain the same.

Just because one is married doesn’t mean one becomes complacent with things. A couple may stop complimenting each other, but the moment a third person showers some compliments, they feel euphoric. How ironic! Its very human to feel happy when complimented.  All relationships germinate through compliments – extra-marital included. Hence when couples having experienced it with each other, stop the practice once married, feel at the top of the world when complimented by an outsider.

Flattery and compliments are different. One might have to use both to get married but once married, meaningful compliments can make a bond rock solid. Complimenting a partner for being a great parent can be very effective. Given how challenging parenthood is these days, a good parent deserves it.  One should never refrain from complimenting one’s partner for looking good. If he/he has made a special effort for it – hitting the gym, indulging in some self-care beauty therapy or simply having a new haircut or colour, all the more. Throwing a compliment for someone who is beautifully balancing everything never hurts. Managing work, home, children, friends, family et. al. is never easy. Last but not the least, gratitude is the biggest form of compliment too. It may not seem like one until one is at the receiving end, but being paid in kind in that space, can feel blissful.

Couples underestimate the importance of compliments, but it can be an elixir for any relationship to soar. Start seeing the positive in your spouse and make sure you genuinely compliment them at least once in a day – with something you haven’t mentioned before. Compliments cost nothing so go pay a compliment now!!!

Game of Thrones gained a lot of popularity. Marriage an equally popular institution has become a ‘Game of Blame’. Once married, its easy to blame one’s partner for anything and everything.

One of my latest clients came to me in a super grouchy mode. She had gained a lot of weight and blamed her husband for it. On asking if he force fed her with high calorific food, she of course denied but blamed him for throwing a lot of parties, socializing a lot and taking her on multiple holidays in a year – giving her opportunities to binge eat and drink. When he was blamed for the lifestyle he provided to her – the primary reason for her obesity, he was rather nonchalant. To add fuel to the fire, he even criticised her for her weight. It made her extra hyper and conscious. Here the lady loved her lifestyle but was been unable to balance it the way she should have with the right exercise and nutrition.

When a person doesn’t exercise self-control in terms of something that adversely affects him/her, one starts blaming one’s partner for it. If one gets into an extra-marital affair, its thanks to the spouse who lacks what the person involved with delivers. How convenient!! Even something as small as a headache is courtesy one’s spouse and the tension created by him/her. Not to mention, the spouse being blamed for feeling bored since he/she has different interests. Also, for some work not being accomplished it’s the spouse’s negativity at play. No one can beat that logic.

Why can’t people take responsibility for their own deeds? Tendency to blame is extremely toxic for any relationship. It leaves both the partners with a growing sense of anger and resentment. Being at the receiving end and being blamed perpetually can take a terrible toll on one’s mental wellbeing. That feeling of being used as a punching bag at the drop of a hat is akin to being emotionally abused.

Of course, everyone knows one’s circumstances the best, but when one is blamed all the time, one certainly needs to sit and wonder if things have gone beyond the pale and into the danger zone, signalling something is wide of the mark. After all, a movie may give you the “Licence to kill”, but a marriage certainly doesn’t give you the “licence to blame”.

A couple came to me with two different problems. The man was very possessive about his girlfriend and was always insecure about being dumped. He was well aware of his behaviour coming in the way of his relationship. She on the other hand was committed to him and the relationship. She loved him but of late, his behaviour was getting on to her. She admitted she had started getting attracted to guys who showcased a different set of behaviour – made her realize her ability to breathe freely. She couldn’t help comparing her man with other guys. His possessiveness had a cascading negative effect on other aspects of their equation. It was making her feel stifled. She needed help to deal with this attraction and tendencies which she hoped were temporary.

The man’s possessiveness and insecurities were a result of his childhood experiences which were more unpleasant rather than traumatic. The woman was aware of it and hence continued to be understanding. One sided understanding can never even the scales of a balanced relationship. She wanted to make the relationship work more out of pity for her boyfriend rather than the emotions she felt for him at the onset of the relationship. His behaviour was responsible for her falling out of love. She wanted it to work more out of concern towards him – what would happen to him if she left him?

Compassion and sympathy are undoubtedly good traits, but a commitment based on such traits is never good. The decision to stay can have a short-term benefit but from long-term point of view, it can work against the relationship.

A person who needs help with behaviour modification should have a supportive partner is an absolute no-brainer. But the partner of such a person should wait for him/her provided the person going through modification starts taking baby steps in the right direction. One can be patient only with some perceptible positive signs. There is a difference between supporting and dealing with one’s partner and his/her behavioural issues. When the support starts being taken for granted, dealing with the situation becomes taxing. Any relationship which takes a mental or physical toll on yourself is not worth it. Help your partner but in the process don’t forget to help yourself. If you are not happy you can never make your partner happy. Happy to help???!!!!!

Marriage is not about how much love you express to your spouse verbally by ranting “I l love you” mechanically or about what and how many gifts you give. It’s about the little goodness which goes a long way in nurturing relationships. However, you should have an eye to see it and value it.

Most couples lack the vision to see the little things, since these things can neither be said nor boxed, wrapped and gifted. In striving to focus on bigger aspects, smaller intricacies are missed, making a marriage ordinary.

In one of my recent therapy sessions, when I asked a wife to point out some goodness she perceived in her spouse recently, she mentioned when she and her husband were traveling home on different flights and despite having his share of baggage, her husband insisted on carrying her heavy hand baggage too. He didn’t want her to lug it around all the way home. She felt it was enough to feel loved.

 She couldn’t help sharing another experience of their holiday in Goa. She saw a cockroach in the bathroom. She was terribly scared and immediately called her husband to remove it. When her husband rushed to the bathroom, it had swiftly disappeared. The wife was terrified and refused to use the bathroom. Housekeeping came and checked every nook and corner of that space but couldn’t find it. At night after they went to bed, the wife woke up to use the loo and saw the cockroach again. She woke her husband up. He immediately killed the cockroach, disposed it off and went back to sleep. They were returning home the next morning and he was to go to work. But he still showed no resistance about being woken up. He could understand his wife’s katsaridaphobia. The wife was quite touched by the way her husband respected her phobia and cared for her. Before undergoing therapy, she used to overlook these small things and take him for granted. But now she realized how much he loved her in his own subtle way. This multiplied her love for him. Though tiny and trivial, such ordinary experiences give extraordinary meaning to life and relationships.

Everyone has a different way of giving and receiving love. Acknowledging what you get fuels the health of your relationship. If not in clothes, in relationships, ‘small’ is definitely all you need.

It’s common for people to feel as though they have suddenly lost feelings for their partner. They may not be able to point their finger on why it has happened, yet they know that something has changed. Why does this happen? Although, this may seem sudden, it usually is a result of subtle changes which may have been brewing and are built up.  It can be a result of the differences in a couple’s values. Things affecting a person’s lifestyle could also be a factor. If a person suddenly starts seeing the relationship in a new way, feelings towards their partner can change. When pointed out, couples are surprised as to how they overlooked these differences earlier, only to become deal breakers now.

Initially people often put on rose-coloured glasses to perceive their marriage as a bed of roses. The moment they take them off – which everyone does at some point, they get a clear and real view of who their partner really is.  As a result, they start feeling differently than they did with their glasses on.  The problem here is not the partner. Its people’s coloured perception of their partner. It’s extremely important early on in a relationship to see one’s partner as he or she is. No room for any colour blindness here. Potential problems should never be ignored or avoided fearing conflict.  Not doing so can erupt a dormant volcano eventually.

It is very difficult for a person to go through such shift in feelings. Processing it can be daunting. But one should immediately have an open conversation with one’s partner. One should honestly open up and share the sudden change in feelings – for it doesn’t mean the relationship is over. Rather it is a good time to reflect on the relationship reality.  Talking to one’s partner may help if he/she is equally open minded. At times, changed feelings can be taken otherwise and may be attributed to many unpleasant and imaginary factors.

Ultimately, it’s up to you how much you can compromise with your feelings and ignore your needs to be with your partner. Relationships need to work. But, if you must cross your own boundaries or neglect your own values, you are not respecting yourself. Otherwise, nothing is permanent in this world. Not even your feelings. Just because they change, doesn’t mean your relationship changes.