Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

The strongest force that lies at the core of all human interactions and relationships is dignity. Humans yearn for it at personal, social and professional levels. Everyone wants to be treated well and with dignity. Yet not everyone gets their fair share of it – thanks to their lack of self-worth. I have seen so many people going against their very grain just to maintain peace – in relationships or otherwise. There is no dearth of people who set their dignity aside just to follow someone who refuses to take their phone calls or stops responding to their text messages. Many people continue to live in abusive relationships justifying the abuse under some pretext or the other. People’s tendency of pleasing others comes at the cost of threatening their own dignity. Submitting to unfairness at work out of a dire need to preserve a job is understandable but being exploited beyond the realms of mental wellness and acceptance is a mark of indignity. One can be the most vulnerable in intimate relationships. It is extremely important in such relationships to maintain mutual respect and equally important to draw some boundaries. Dignity and distance go hand in hand even in the closest of relationships. Everyone needs their space to withdraw – hence the need for some distance.

Bargaining with dignity is akin to bargaining with one’s sense of self-esteem. It can never lead to happiness or contentment. Human mind is conditioned to tolerate an excess of unwanted baggage. Barring dignity, everything else is given primacy. The fault lies in our system. Right from childhood, children have to let go of their dignity when insulted or admonished by their parents – out of no choice since dependent on them. When in school, teachers don’t always preserve their dignity either. Its never kept intact by siblings, friends and relatives too. It slowly gets woven as a pattern and gets ingrained into the persona of adults – waiting to erode the self-respect and esteem completely, leaving one feel worthless, bitter and futile.

Dignity and respect should be the core of every human being. There should be no excuses, no second chances and no concessions whatsoever when it comes to your dignity. Never exchange your dignity for anything else you may think you can’t do without for it will rebound in the long-term, harming you and your relationship. Your ability lies in preserving your dignity.

Yesterday must have seen a flurry of cards, flowers and gifts being delivered to mothers across the globe. Not to forget the handwritten notes expressing gratitude to the best mothers in the world, universe etc. I hope all mothers were made to feel special about being a mother.

I love my mother too. I admire her and can honestly hope that I do half of what she has done for me, not just as a mother but also as a person. I share everything with her. She is my “go to” person whenever I need an input on a situation and also when I have something exciting to share. She fearlessly points out what’s right for me without mincing or sugar coating her words.

With all of that said, I sincerely feel one day to celebrate a Mother’s Day is an insult to a mother. To mark one day out of 365 days is nothing but mockery. When a mother devotes every single day of the year to her child/children how selfish it is to dedicate one day to her.

There’s another reason which makes me feel otherwise about this ‘day’. It kind of resonates with my views on Valentine’s Day. In my opinion these so called ‘days’ are designed to discriminately showcase the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’ in the world of love and relationships. 

On Valentine’s Day, if one is single, one is not going to enjoy the V day celebrations or its extravagances like flowers, teddy bears or heart shaped motifs. So, when everyone around is fussing over their treats, there would be many who would fail to relate to it. The same applies to Mother’s Day. Not everyone is a mother – some out of choice, some out of no choice. Why would one be made to feel like a ‘have not’ just because one doesn’t have a child?

For those who didn’t feel celebratory yesterday, remember there are good qualities of a mother to honour in every woman. You don’t have to wait to become a mother to feel complete for you are replete (with much more).

However, I can’t help applauding all my readers who are mothers. Parenting is tough and given the stressful times of today, being a mother can be extremely daunting – even in the best of circumstances. Happy Mother’s Day, today and every day!

Couples strive to make their marriage ideal and eventually give up. A marriage can never be ideal no matter what, but a mindset can be.

The human mind is programmed by the law of negative bias, thanks to the human evolution thousands of years ago. Humans were an endangered species and prone to danger. In the process of protecting themselves, they were constantly on the lookout for negative stimuli. Despite having evolved from that phase by becoming a very safe and secure species, human thinking continues to be dominated by a negative stimulus. This applies to a marriage as well. People generally focus on what’s missing or disturbing rather than what’s alright.

People’s definition of an ideal marriage is also based on what they see in other marriages and what lacks in their own. Most of my clients come to me in a comparison mode. “So and so’s husband is so romantic” or “his wife is such a good homemaker and entertains guests regularly”. Forming a judgment based on external perceptions is the biggest deal breaker. What constitutes a marriage is much more than what appears at the superficial level. A couple may be entertaining guests to avoid any internal conflicts at home. Being trapped in a dull marriage, entertaining guests could be their getaway. Someone’s spouse may appear to be romantic, but one can never tell if he/she is romantic when alone with their partner. Very rarely would a picture being depicted and the reality that exists are in sync with each other. A couple will only portray as much as they want to – nothing more or nothing less.

On one of the recent social gatherings, I saw a woman constantly nudging her cousin to validate all the good about her brother in law. “C’mon, jiju is so sweet and cool. He can never get angry and is never demanding”. She went on and on. Finally, her cousin had to snub her by asking her to keep her compliments to herself.  She stated very bluntly that since she wasn’t married to him, she didn’t know who he really was.

Stop going by what you see in other marriages and start seeing the good in your own marriage.  Valuing even a single quality will be worth being in it. Seal your bond with the real and not ideal. Real quick -though not with fevibond or feviquick!!!

Are you one of those who is badgered around and made to feel guilty at the drop of a hat by your “partner? If you allow your partner to do that you are encouraging what psychologists call ‘guilt transference’. It is very common for people who simply refuse to take responsibility of their actions to blame their partners – especially for the actions that are inappropriate. As if their partners trigger a particular exploit.

I used to be in therapy with a husband who was always accused of cheating. His wife constantly called him a liar and would question any communication on his phone. “Is that an email from your girlfriend?” He was always questioned about where he was and what he was doing. His answers were always honest – if at work he would say so, would explain every text message or an email – patiently and in in detail.

Although this is a common scenario in many households, something in me told me that there was more to this than meets the eye. Finally, we found out that the wife was cheating and was putting the blame on the husband so that she was not caught. She was trying to transfer her guilt on her husband. He was devastated to learn the reality. He wondered what made her break his trust. He decided to end the marriage.

Trust is the basis of any relationship. Given the technology driven times of today, there are enough avenues to have a fling or an extra-marital relationship. Its humanly neither possible nor advisable to keep a tab on one’s partner’s continuously.  People who want to cheat can always find a way of doing it. But if you have to keep a constant eye on your partner or his/her phone, it’s not worth it. You are wasting your precious time of your life. You should be able to blindly trust your partner or if not, turn a blind eye to his/her escapades. The choice is yours but remember when a person tries to twist and cast a blame on one’s partner for his/her wrong doings, it reflects an unhealthy mentality.  Do not allow yourself to be treated as a victim by a person with a toxic mind.  Let your partner know you are strong and smart and that he/she is weak and wrong.

“Hi honey, I’ve just left work and am on my way home”, said the newly married husband to his wife.” A few months pass. The wife calls the husband since hasn’t heard from him all day. “Hi, have invited a few friends over. When will you be home?”  “In a meeting. Will be delayed”, is the crisp and curt response.

As time goes by in a marriage, one partner becomes a speaker and the other partner becomes a listener. The speaker lives up to his/her role of speaking, while the listener usually listens either intently or out of no choice. Monosyllables mark the responses, regardless. With time, the conversation between a couple becomes so distinct thanks to its tone, that it’s very easy for the third person to gather the relationship of the couple in conversation.

Why does the tone become so pronounced when it comes to a married couple? The tone which worked wonders once upon a time, loses its modulation. Why? Is it a sign of taking a relationship for granted? Is it a sign of a failed marriage?  I have tried asking many couples during the course of therapy. Surprisingly, most couples have never noticed their tone. Many argue saying its insignificant and that the tone has nothing to do with the marriage dynamics.

It has been proved that the tone of the voice can make or mar a relationship. A cold tone or monosyllables like mere “hmm” indicate the quality of a relationship. One can isolate the relationship for a bit and take the tone away from it. But that would be a few offs when a person is not in his/her elements. But when a tone loses its inflection and sets itself to a linear frequency with zero cadence, it shows where the relationship stands or is heading.

The tone during an argument can also spell trouble. Some people cannot refrain from raising their tone to exhibit anger. The tone can play a big spoilsport if not controlled.

One doesn’t have to shout or sugar coat words to communicate. Doesn’t mean one has to continue in a dead monotonous tone either. Effective communication needs the right tone with the right words. Day to day communication needs some variation to bring back the passion in a marriage. Hone your tone and let it become the keystone of your relationship.

Grass is greener on the other side of the fence and so is someone’s else’s marriage. Yardstick – the social media. FB pictures, WhatsApp display pictures, status messages are some common avenues to represent a ‘certain’ kind of marital success. Such virtual representation is driven by a need to induce a certain kind of image about the relationship. With an intention to draw a specific perception, people are usually successful in doing so.

Relationships can never be gauged by the outside world. The couple equation and dynamics have nothing to do with what is deliberately depicted to mislead people. Genuine couples don’t need extra efforts. They are happy in their own space and don’t appreciate any infringement on that space.

Then why do some couples try to deceive others about their relationship? With reasons galore, a certain psychology works behind their motive. First and foremost, when a marriage is beheld as the only source to drive away all the internal inadequacies, a false reality is formulated. It’s as if one’s identity rests on the marriage. One is gripped by the marriage and obsessed with one’s partner. In the process, the person is not only fooling the world but also him/herself.

An ulterior motive – a motive to showcase ‘something’ to ‘someone’ is another reason to flaunt one’s relationship. Human mind and its many calculations.

Last but not the least, when a person tries to generate a particular feeling in others about themselves, they try to fabricate the interpretation through virtual social platforms. This feeling is a result of some deep-seated complexes within oneself. I vividly remember seeing a couple which had massive differences in terms of social media usage. The wife would calculatedly create situations facilitating picture opportunities for the consumption of her FB friends. While the husband was totally against it, she managed to continue with the practice. During the course of the therapy it was found that she had a split personality, and she used her FB posts and pictures as a shield against her manic-depressive disorder. It became her regular coping mechanism.

Instead of depicting a wrong reality why not work on it to make it right? You don’t need any social media for your right relationship to flourish. All you need is some tender loving care to make it grow from strength to strength – to get the perfect wavelength!!!!

Fibbing is a part of every human nature. Harmless, yet dangerous when overdone and overused – especially in relationships.

I very recently met a couple who was in terrible marital distress, thanks to the fibbing nature of the husband. Being brought up in a conventional patriarchal family, where the father was very autocratic, fibbing became his second nature right from his childhood to protect himself from him. When he got married, his fibbing habit continued. It was very disturbing for the wife initially, but she slowly came to terms with it. To keep the marital harmony intact, she kept quiet thinking most of his lies were white lies. However, she felt the husband started taking advantage of her silence. Along with his fibbing, he also started keeping things to himself, and not share details. The husband’s friend had a major illness and the ill friend’s wife started seeking help from him. The wife was involved initially with some particulars. But gradually he tapered giving all the information. Apparently, his friend’s wife started texting him on a regular basis – initially with the health bulletins and later under the pretext of some vain matters. The ill friend’s wife made it a point to connect only with the husband’s friend and not with his wife although they were all friends. Eventually, when the wife found out about the exclusive connection between her husband and the friend’s wife, she couldn’t take it and felt deceived. It wasn’t the communication between the two that drove her nuts. Being kept in the dark by her husband made her upset. Why would her husband and the friend’s wife want an exclusive connection with each other? She felt it was taking undue advantage of her understanding, sweetness and patience apart from being unfair to the unwell friend.

One tends to fib or hide things when one fears one’s partner. If the spouse is unreasonable and innately suspicious and jealous, it’s a different story. But with an understanding partner, fibbing excessively can be a deal breaker.  It’s very much taking all the goodness for granted. So called ‘one to one’ connections with ONLY the friends’ spouse/s is unethical and unhealthy.

Have the best of friendships with your friends and their spouses. But be mindful of the exclusivity. The only person to have an exclusive relationship with is your partner.  Exclusively yours!!!

No marriage guarantees to last forever with all its passion and connection intact.  A fact known by all but believed by some. A couple tying the knot is under a spell which makes them believe their marriage will be very different from all other marriages and that their love would last forever. Superlatively positive yet distorted thinking. If couples continue to exist in a fool’s paradise, they are bound to feel disappointed, frustrated and heartbroken when their marriage fails to even its scale with their beliefs, dreams and expectations.

A couple tends to magnify its initial phase of love and passion. Once monotony sets in, they outgrow this first phase and get into the mundane phase, causing strong withdrawal symptoms. They can’t get over the initial euphoria which makes them jittery. A couple starts feeling their partner has changed when actually it is the phase that has changed. Without realizing it, they start the blame game.

The biggest problem with most couples is that they are not well equipped to deal with their problems effectively. Sometimes they make their problems even worse due to lack of any expertise to cope with their issues. This results in conflicts remaining unresolved and causing a long term disconnect. It’s not really their fault especially if it’s a first marriage since every day is a new day and every experience is a learning experience.

Every couple needs to be realistic about their marital goals. The first step in any marriage or for that matter any serious relationship is the acceptance of the fact that ‘nothing lasts forever.’ One should be mindful of the fact that it will keep changing, transforming and evolving continuously. As soon as a marriage gets a little tarnished, people can’t help comparing it to the initial blissful state they were basking in and end up feeling blue. Going through a marital cycle is inevitable, but the key to cope with the transition lies in learning new skills and gaining the tools that can enable a couple to navigate through these changing phases.

What works for you may not work for some other marriage or some other individual. Create your own skillset and dynamics that best work for you and make your marriage meaningful. When you know nothing lasts forever, why run after an illusion? Follow the reality and  happiness will run after you.

Most of the parents who come to me complaint about their teenagers not listening to them. They seem to defy them about anything and everything – right from not eating right, not studying enough to wasting time on their gadgets et. al. Rebelliousness in terms of not taking a shower on time or not wearing apt clothes befitting a particular occasion included. More than children, parents need some lessons here. After all, they seem to conveniently forget ‘what you sow is what you reap.’

What kind of a teenager, a child turns out to be, what kind of a bond a child and parents share, how close they are et. al. solely depends on the amount of time invested by the parents. The foundation is laid right from the time a baby is born. Did the parents spend maximum time with their infants when they needed them the most? Something as small as reading a bed time story in a child’s formative years makes a world of a difference. Its like putting money into a bank account and watching it grow. Such associations help to build a strong relationship, increase vocabulary, aid to introduce the right morals, feed their imagination apart from a plethora of other benefits.

It’s as simple as parents who don’t read always have difficulties in convincing their children to read. With the internet and television being the biggest competitors to books, reading can get worse. Not just academics, children should be encouraged to read fiction to assist them to cultivate an interest in reading. Fiction eases the anxieties of children and adolescents since it introduces them to an array of characters and situations they can relate to and can find ways to deal with life just the way these characters did.

Children can’t be expected to be weaned off their gadgets, when they see their parents glued to their phones, tabs or televisions all the time. Healthy eating habits of parents get rubbed on to children. But when parents eat out or order in food, children are bound to emulate. Expecting them to eat right is not right, right?

As someone said “Cultivate your craft (of parenthood). Water it daily, pour some tender loving care into it, and watch it grow. Remember that a plant doesn’t sprout immediately. Be patient and know that in life you will reap what you sow.”