Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

Technology infused times have an apparent bearing on contemporary relationships. Thanks to it, courting couples are continuously connected – a boon and a bane indeed. Being connected feels phenomenal and how. But that hardly lasts. And technology is not the standalone factor for the short shelf life of that initial connect brimming with bliss. Technology users are equally responsible. Owning a cell phone and perching on some common social media platform doesn’t give its user the power to snoop on one’s partner all the time. The charm of waiting and longing to hear from that someone special dissipates in no time. Enquiring or reporting continuously about one’s whereabouts, status report etc can erode any relationship. Feeling stifled can turn the dynamics of the entire relationship. Courtesy, an overdose of connect.

Every relationship needs space. But most couples fear giving it generously since they have trust issues. Even without cell phones, relationships have blossomed and lasted since time immemorial. If people think, by keeping a watch on one’s partner one can refrain them from doing what they are doing, are completing mistaken. Where there is love and mutual respect, relationships are never compromised.

Trust is the basis of any relationship. It doesn’t come easy and takes years of investment. But the biggest mistake most couples make is to become vary about their partners from day one. Their insecurities trigger a behaviour which works inverse and comes in the way of developing trust. The partner being at the receiving end will eventually be convinced that he/she is not being trusted. Lack of trust can cause severe psychological impact on the relationship.

The bottom line is you can either trust someone or you can’t. Whether you can trust your partner or not can become evident in no time. If you can’t trust your partner, basis some truth, it’s not worth being with him/her. But it’s even worse to continue in a relationship and wanting to keep your partner under constant supervision. It will only drive you both crazy.

We know it’s very easy to forge or sever a bond through social media. WhatsApp’s ‘online’ or ‘last seen at status’ is known to make or mar relationships. But instead of the ‘last seen’ status, why not have ‘last seen with’ feature for our self-proclaimed ‘moral polices’? A word to the wise, use technology wisely otherwise…

The most common complaint couples come to me with is they have fallen out of love with their partner. The same person they were madly in love with and couldn’t imagine their world without has become a stranger or a burden. Love has flown out of the window. It’s a big challenge when a partner feels he/she is out of love and yet can’t put their finger on ‘why’.

How do you address such a clear yet ambiguous problem? At the outset, many couples feel their relationship is fine since they never argue. But internally they are bored and feel their marriage has become dull. A marriage with no arguments may seem ideal but is disadvantaged.  When couples don’t argue, they don’t bring in the energy to communicate and thus lose the connect with each other. No energy is akin to no polarity and hence no attraction.  Unknowingly many couples create subtleties through their energy that push them to kill their love, trust and passion for each other, without realizing it.

Falling in and out of love is as much about a person’s connection with themselves as it is with their partner. Individuals create the connection through different behavioural patterns practised during their growing up years. The basic pattern is always about avoiding pain and seeking pleasure. When the same patterns continue to function, a relationship is hampered. These patterns have lost their relevance – how can the same patterns in a changed environment, phase and time work?  A person who has grown up in an autocratic family will always get defensive at the drop of a hat since that is the only way he protected himself in childhood. Like in the past, the same behaviour of getting fiercely defensive on the slightest trigger of any probable danger continues to be resorted to. In the process of trying to avoid pain, more pain is inflicted to the partner. Involuntary differences are thus created.

One basic rule of any intimate relationship is that one cannot protect oneself and expect love to stay alive at the same time. Focus on your threat – is it imagined or real? If it is real, it’s not worth being in your marriage. But sometimes, childhood experiences misperceive a threat even when it is not. Change your complex behavioural patterns to change yourself, your partner and your relationship.  

Relationships are complex. A fact known to all. The latest study reveals, genes play a major role in depicting what kind of a partner one would be – warm and supportive or cold and indifferent. So, does it mean one needs to check out the genetics of one’s prospective partner before getting into a serious relationship? Absolutely.

Genes determine what we are, what we do and how we do – our defence and coping mechanisms included. Differences in these can cause severe relationship distress. The irony is when one of the partners is pleasant, sweet and warm as opposed to the other partner, the sweetness, warmth and affection are neither reciprocated nor acknowledged. It’s either overseen or taken for granted by the partner with dissimilar traits. After all, they are wired differently – thanks to their DNA.

I am seeing a young girl with a very pleasant disposition. Unfortunately, she’s married into a family which has no place for emotions. She feels miserable because she’s grown up in a family where expression of love and feelings were always verbal and mutual. In this family, she feels she is dealing with robots and is being treated like one.

The constitution of a potential partner’s family reveals a lot. Their style of interactions, patterns of communication, dynamics of their parents’ equation and behavioural patterns speak volumes about them. Since genes and environment shape an individual, one should never turn a blind eye to these two superlatively important factors. Wrong genes can be corrected with the right environment but when the same genes are compounded by a similar environment, the chances of any positive modification become bleak in the future. When I say wrong genes, I don’t mean to say they are ‘wrong’ literally but rather wrong for someone who has a drastically different set of genes.

So, when one’s optimistic thinking prescribes to overlook the genes and environment not favourable for a good alliance, one should think twice. Regrettably, such relationships never succeed in the long run. “Oh, I will change him/her in the future” or “I will adjust because I love him/her” are all transitory feelings. When the reality dawns after the emotional euphoria fades, it can spell doom.

 ‘Love is blind’ holds a world of wisdom. Be wise and don’t be blind to the love around you. Whether genes or jeans, seek the right fit.

Out of the many ‘firsts’ for my son, his recent train joinery was a ‘first’ which turned out to be rather intriguing. In his articulate differences between train and rail travel, he distinctly pointed out his affinity towards trains. The most pronounced difference was the amount of freedom he felt while on the train.  With no restrictions – no seat belts, no window shades to shut and open and with no need to curb the nature’s calls based on the seat belt signs, he felt at the top of the world. His analogy of an aircraft cabin to a classroom and a cabin crew member to a teacher was hilarious.  On an aircraft, the controlled environment with a teacher trying to wield control for safety and security felt stifling to him. No time restrictions to eat and drink on a train made him doubly pleased.

My son’s perception of these noticeable differences gave me some good insight into the human nature. If an eleven-year-old boy could appreciate the freedom around him, an adult would always seek and appreciate one. Unfortunately, the nature of our relationships never makes us feel free and we are responsible for the same. We are always bound by some controls and boundaries – on our selves and others. If I want my husband to not get too friendly with some other woman, if I don’t want him to come home late, I must practise what I preach. Hence, I am curbing his freedom and mine.

Why should we make each other feel bound? We get into a relationship to give meaning to our life, to enjoy it together and to grow old together. The feeling of ownership and exclusivity spoil it all. We cannot own our partner. The very fact that we are married to one shows the exclusive connection. We don’t have to go about diluting that exclusivity by harping on our perceived dos and don’ts, rights and wrongs.

Every human being is inherently free spirited. Our social set up binds us from early childhood and till eternity. To be bound to one’s family is divine but when it transforms into force, obligation and control, it weakens the essence of any relationship. When love is the only measure of control for spouses, children and parents, we are bound to feel free yet remain bound to our union of love and family.

A lot of marital distress can be attributed to one’s childhood. It may sound a little out of sync in terms of its relevance, but it very much has a major role to play in one’s relationships. Values inculcated or not inculcated in the childhood get reflected in the future relationships. Bringing up patterns are always different but when the differences are drastic, it can become daunting for couples to function with these differences.

A couple’s pattern of bringing up a child would generally depend on the way they have been brought up. Exceptions of parents adopting a different parental approach compared to their own always exist but all in all, their style of being brought up reflects in the upbringing of their child. For example, a partner brought up in a social family with frequent and regular interactions with family and friends, would have a similar socializing system ingrained in them, vis a vis a partner from not a very social household would find socializing taxing. Such variances can disrupt the family equilibrium.

A parent who went to a boarding school would probably want his/her child to go to one, while the other parent who never went to a boarding school wouldn’t want his/her child to be away from home. A person from a close-knit family would want very close ties with his/her family. Whereas a person not too close with his/her family would have problems relating to a partner sharing close ties with the family. Not being on the same page with one’s partner can take a heavy toll on the couple’s mental set up, their child and the marriage. There is no right, or wrong here but mere differences cause friction. Conflict resolution techniques ranging from throwing a fit, to being composed, to defence mechanisms like contempt, criticism and sulking to accepting a fault with no hang-ups are imbibed genetically and through the environment a child is brought up in. Differences in these create severe disharmony. Unfortunately, couples when seeking an alliance overlook these and end up being miserable in the long run.

A pleasant family always has pleasant children making pleasant families themselves. My humble request to parents – if you can try to secure you child ‘s future with the right financial investments, why not make their future pleasant by investing a lot of love, values and harmony in your family?

Given the festival of Uttrayan today, all relationships resonate a rock and a kite to me – a unique union of strength and spirit. In my opinion, an ideal relationship consists of a ‘Rock’ and a ‘Kite’. A grounded and logical person who puts the head before the heart is a ‘Rock’. While, the ‘Kite’ is a free-spirited soul wanting to soar high, driven by emotions, impulses and instincts. Lasting relationships are made up of both. Hence every relationship should entail a ‘Rock’ and a ‘Kite’

A partner who is a ‘Rock’ is very dependable for almost everything. Such a partner is a guiding force, a doer and a “go to” person. Procrastination is seldom a part of their persona. “Rocks’ cannot relax without accomplishing their tasks or chores. They wouldn’t even hesitate to nudge their partners multiple times to complete theirs. In a nutshell, ‘Rocks’ are the hinges that form the basis of a smooth relationship.

“Kites” on the other hand are totally intuited with their gut and allow their emotions to rule them. Decision making is controlled by their gut feeling too. They are inherently relaxed about things in general. Regardless of whether all the boxes of their tasks are ticked or not, they can have fun. They focus more on the present rather than the future. “Rocks” are more future centric and are always focussed on making it secure. ‘Kites’ make relationships easy, interesting and fun.

As much as the “Rock” appears more sensible than the “Kite”, a successful relationship is a melange of both. Without the “Rock”, the relationship can go haywire with no sails to let it sail through. A relationship can get mundane by the absence of a “Kite”. It would lose the spontaneity and fun essential to stimulate a relationship. Like the magnetic force that pulls on ferromagnetic materials like iron, a ‘Rock’ and a ‘Kite’ create their own magnetic field of attraction.

I have observed people wanting to change their partners basis their own type. A serious, logical person would look down upon his/her partner misperceiving them as frivolous and immature. A fun loving ‘Kite’ would constantly feel their partner takes life too seriously and typecast the relationship. Trying to change your partner would be a recipe for disaster. Accept your ‘Rock’ or your ‘Kite’. Let the ‘Kite’ glide in a ‘Rock’-solid relationship. Happy Uttrayan!!

As we ring in the new year in a few hours, it’s time to restart the clock and reset our goals – so, the cliched thinking chides us to believe and practice. You may want to promise yourself to lose weight, to get a new job, to wean yourself off the social media, perhaps? Like promises, resolutions are meant to be broken. Let’s throw our bucket list of resolutions out of the window and tread afresh on an alternative pathway.

Give up the idea of wanting anything to happen in the New Year.  Your only goal should be to set a goal to have no goals. Especially if you don’t want to be at the same place every year end, thinking the same thoughts and feeling the same feelings, have no resolutions. Just get into the mode of being present and positive. By adopting this approach, you will almost do everything you are supposed to do when its supposed to be done. Delete the “I must” from your vocabulary.  Going with the flow sometimes is the best way rather than saddling yourself with unnecessary pressure. You can remain open to any possibility and receptive to any change that comes your way. Don’t deny yourself the compassion for your failings.

None of us know what the future holds. Its beautiful to see it unfold at its own pace. Setting the same resolutions every year is a futile exercise. The cycle only perpetuates disappointment. – why you couldn’t lose that weight or change that job or were not successful in having that meaningful relationship? You had your reasons. Its time to stop forcing yourself, stop making empty promises, stop living through the expectations of others.

The moment you stop piling pressure on yourself to fulfil goals you are not totally committed to, you are giving yourself the much-deserved break to stop and get mindful enough to appreciate the things around. This break helps you to do some self-actualisation. You don’t need a new year to restart or reset your goals. Once you look within, you will realize you are reborn and you have come out of the shackles of time – you have set yourself free.

Being HERE and not THERE is the way to live.  Get over your mind’s predictions and estimations about the new year. Happy New Year!

I am looking forward to Christmas tomorrow. I love the festivities around every festival. Every year when Navratri gets over, my spirits are dampened. But there is Diwali to look forward to. That too comes and goes. Christmas is my solace thereafter – my new source of happiness. Although my sources keep changing my happiness remains constant. Christmas is followed by Uttrayan. In a nutshell, there is always something to look forward to.

Looking forward to something gives a high according to the Psychology of Happiness. Anticipation of something and savouring the wait leads to a feeling of positivity. Happiness is something which lies within but must be fed with some external stimuli. So, if you are a sports freak, you can look forward to various tournaments to keep you going. if you are a social butterfly, you can keep planning and organizing different gatherings.

When you organize a wedding, anniversary or a birthday party, the preparations are as enjoyable as the main occasion and the excitement is always more. We are happier in the anticipation than in remembering the actual experience. It is anticipation that generates happiness and ultimately a sense of well-being.

When you learn to appreciate the value of looking forward to things, it can also give a boost to your relationships. Adopting this approach helps you look at the dynamics of your relationships differently. For example, you may have fought with your partner. But when you look forward to making up with him/her, it changes your attitude towards your partner and thus dilutes the bitterness of the dispute. You spend your energy on resolving the differences. The very thought of making up can make you feel wonderful.

Looking forward to something can keep you focussed and thereby helps you to refrain from focussing on anything unsolicited or undesirable. You are away from all the negativity. You can stay motivated and enthusiastic. An envisaged future always makes the present worthwhile. So, what are you looking forward to? It doesn’t have to be only the bigs like your graduation, new job, engagement, wedding, birth of your baby et. al. but also the smaller aspects of life – 2019 cricket world cup, the spring, a coffee meet, a family re-union, a holiday, an excursion, a new book, a newly mastered language… ?

Merry Christmas!! (I am already looking forward to planning the New Year’s Eve).

Unlike in the west where people marry and divorce multiple times, the statistics here are much better. Divorce rates have gone up but all in all it is still believed marriages are for keeps.Despite several social changes, marriage is still considered a sacrosanct institute. Women have started voicing their opinions, thoughts and feelings,unlike before. Also, divorce no longer happens to be a taboo and societal outlook towards it has thawed.  Moreavenues with accessibility to find new partners without a scramble is possible now.

There’s a difference between venting and whining. There are people who seem to complain endlessly while in their marriage or committed in their relationship.  Influenced by several external stimuli, these are the people who belong to the technology driven era of today. Anything read, seen or heard on the social media or the internet triggers their cantankerous nature. Whatever they view results in what they imbibe – regardless of whether it is worthy of it or not. Unreasonable expectations stem from overdose of the social media. Comparisons rise at pandemic rates. Resultant disappointments play havoc with the minds and eventually take a toll on the mental health.

“There is no spark in our marriage”, “he/she doesn’t stimulate me as before”, “our physical intimacy has taken a beating” or “my friend/colleague understands me more than my spouse” are some common outbursts. Such people refuse to accept the reality. No marriage is a perfect mix after a certain stage. But with time, what it offers is streets ahead of what’s gone by. It’s very easy to complain but, it’s not very difficult to understand and analyse either. Trying to emulate romantic couples on the social media is a hogwash. Instead of focussing on what’s lacking, concentrating on what it offers can increase the net worth of any relationship. Any marriage ultimately becomes a comfort zone – a zone taken for granted by most. Only when it is endangered, does one realize the value of it. Every marriage is about getting used to one’s spouse. Certain habits become a ritual. Nonverbal communication marks the tone – nothing is said yet done or understood.

There comes a time when a spouse understands you or rather puts up with you much more than your parents or siblings. You may grumble about your marriage, but it is your happy space. Let it reflect on your face…

One of the latest relationship slangs is curving. Curving can be used in different contexts but its normally used to convey a disinterest in someone who is bidding for affection. It also means to reject someone. ‘Curvers’ have a smooth way of executing it.  They have mastered the art of walking the thin line between being interested yet being casual about their relationship.

The odds are that it could have happened to you without you having realized it. While in ghosting there is a sudden exit with no explanation, in curving there continues to be a connect. A connect which leaves the person being curved confused and anxious – struggling to fathom the equation of the relationship.

Unlike in ghosting, in curving your texts do get a response but that’s about it. The texts are well crafted and dotted with excuses. Singular “hey” and “k” mark the common response patterns. Questions seldom are a part of their texts. Their ‘sorrys’ for a delayed response on not seeing your missed calls or texts demonstrate their nonchalance. ‘Curvers’ continue to engage with you but only at a superficial level and as per their convenience.

My client had a hard time recovering after being curved by her boyfriend. She used to turn a blind eye to every indicator which came her way. Despite dating her boyfriend and spending a lot of time together, they never had ‘that talk’. Making the relationship official or taking it to the next level was never spoken about. She felt like a couple when with him and felt being loved. But nothing was expressed verbally or in writing. Right from the beginning he would never text or call saying he had a great time after they met. He was never keen to meet her during the week blaming his busy work schedule. When she tried to plan a weekend, he would remain vague. The news about him being promoted at work and his brother getting married were not shared with her. Her disappointment was met with a very casual response citing his absentmindedness. Also, he didn’t want to appear too dependent on her. Hence refrained from sharing anything and everything.

‘Curvers’ can be super subtle or obnoxiously obvious. Either way it is very damaging. Take it as a learning curve and stop getting curved. Stay ahead of the ‘curvers’ – pitch a curve.