Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

What holds the key to a happy long-term relationship? Tolerance. The ability to accept or deal with something one dislikes or disagrees with – the capacity to endure something. Tolerance possesses the characteristic to transform even the worst. It doesn’t mean yielding to pain inflicted repeatedly mentally or physically and shouldn’t be substituted for suffering – for these are two different words with different undertones. Tolerance is the hinge on which even the most precarious marriage can stay.

People’s tolerance has taken a beating. Specially to sustain a marriage, you need tolerance in small things – a struggle for many today.

Intolerance towards your partner’s choices – personal and professional is common. Don’t forget you are one of them and lean to live with them. Criticising your partner for not being a movie buff, for not being that foodie or not being bitten by the travel bug as you, are baseless. Every individual has a right to choose. “She never drinks with me” or “he never comes to my friends’ gatherings” are common rants. The “never” says it all. When you know that he/she doesn’t like something why force them into it?  You can jolly well do without your partner not drinking or not going out with you at certain places. Avoid letting it have an adverse cascading effect on the other areas of your marriage.

Longer the relationship, larger the tolerance – so one would believe. Unfortunately, it is getting inversely proportional. With passing years, tolerance levels are dipping. What was accepted or tolerated earlier is not acceptable any more. It could be a catharsis of long term suppression. It could also stem from some other nagging issues. But even the magnitude of smaller things is magnified and not borne. “I cannot stand your terrible dressing”. “I get so put off when you remove your shoes anywhere”.  “I can’t take your dishevelled hair any more”. Why the intolerance for something which was put up with all these years?

When a relationship loses the spark or lacks the stimulation, intolerance gets into the driver’s seat in the form of boredom or monotony. Anything said or done is seen with contempt or criticism. Do not take your marriage or your partner for granted to an extent where you become an object of his/her intolerance. Be the catalyst to get back the spark. Don’t wait. Go date your mate. Celebrate!

Thanksgiving, the annual festival in the west tells me why can’t we make our lives more meaningful by thanking not just the Almighty but also the people around who made a difference to us in some way? There can be innumerable reasons to feel thankful about. Gratitude can change the essence of our very living.

Being thankful to people who have been good to us should become a given. Human nature unfortunately doesn’t always know how to count one’s blessings. We are so preoccupied by what is lacking in our lives that we tend to become oblivious to what continues to be good. The big question is how do we make gratitude it a part of our disposition? Given the stressful times of today, every one of us is so engrossed meeting the challenges that we cannot possibly focus on being grateful. The best way to do this is to remember that no one has a perfect life. Kings to beggars, millionaires to slumdwellers have their own share of problems. After all, happiness is relative.

In a city like Mumbai, where thousands of people are racing against time to make the ends meet in varying capacities, there are people who manage to keep themselves happy. It’s very common to see slumdwellers regaling in every festival – children to adults making merry in their festively lit up slums.

The moment we become grateful even when a situation is not ideal, we can alter our living. We could be extremely irritated, upset or angry with someone who has probably hurt us beyond the realms of our forgiveness. But the moment we try to thank them for whatever they did, we would feel emancipated. For it will drive away all the negativity engulfed within. Every experience is a learning lesson. By thanking the person who wronged us, we are transforming our perception, not about that person but of the event which caused us pain.

We will never get that perfect partner, job or a house, but we should be thankful for at least having a partner, a job or a house. People change, jobs change, situations change. The transition from imperfect to perfect and vice versa is inevitable yet unpredictable. The key here is to   learn to feel perfect despite the imperfections.  Perfect the art of gratefulness.

Saal Mubarak to all my readers. Tell me, with ‘saal mubaraks’ received aplenty, how do you go about making your new year wishes come true? By simply remembering what’s done cannot be undone’. If you etch this in your minds you cannot go wrong in life.

How pointless it is to cry over spilled milk, similarly fretting over what’s already done is futile. When you realize the significance of this worthless act, you can keep your mental distress at bay, especially marital distress.  When you know you can’t change something, you tend to accept it – regardless of whether you approve of it or not. Whether you like it or not. I have seen so many clients constantly brooding over their spouses’ mistakes, only to lament over it time and again. They can’t get over their partners’ adultery but want to continue with their marriage. They are neither ready to forget nor forgive. According to me, it is a terrible state to be in. You either get out of something you don’t approve of or try to get over it. Or else it becomes impossible for the strayed partner to get over it too. To be in a marriage which is dictated by barbs and jibes, taunts and sarcasm is not a marriage. the same applies to vices too. Instead of nagging your partner, courage to get over the past, move on with the present and look forward to a better future should be the order of the day. Constantly reminding him/her about their past is like scratching a healing wound.

Regrets are another way of defying our ‘done-undone’ mantra. Regrets lead to remorse and breed negativity, making the unpleasant worse. You can never undo what’s done, so why be regretful? Treat all your regrets as lessons learnt and move on.  Don’t waste your time and energy regretting things you have no control over. When you learn to leave behind the nonessential baggage behind, it makes life much more meaningful.

The most powerful tool to make our mar our behaviour, our thinking affects anything and everything, anybody and everybody associated with us. So, if we remember that we cannot undo what’s done, we can improve the quality of our thoughts and thus make life easy for everyone around us.  Without much ado, try to not to undo what’s done. For I am done…

Diwali, the festival of lights symbolises brightness and happiness. The big question is how many of us feel our lives are bright and happy? Cliched as it may sound, it is we who can add the zing to our lives to make it happy. While there are multiple ways of doing it since everyone defines happiness differently, I think the easiest way to do it is by not sweating the small stuff. Especially in relationships, if we stop sweating the small stuff, we can bring in a lot of love, peace and harmony. The next step is to define ‘the small stuff’. What is ‘small’ and what is ‘big’? Again, this is completely individual, though if try to perceive most of the things as small and irrelevant (after a lapse of time), we can make our lives meaningful with zero scope for mental disequilibrium.

By focussing on not sweating the small stuff in relationships, we can go a long way in beating stress. Getting hassled about why your spouse/partner was rude? Why did he/she not respond to your text? Why did they pay extra attention to ‘that’ friend? Why was your partner not in his elements? Why did he/she refuse to go out when you were so keen? Why did they play a damp squib when you were so excited about planning an impending trip?  Why did he/she appear so withdrawn? Why was their behaviour cold? The ‘whys’ can be countless. If we try to address each ‘why’, not only would we stress our partner, but also ourselves and in the process our relationships. Everyone has a bad day – our partners and us included. If we treat them with understanding and an open mind, we can deal with the situation better. Both partners need to realize the triviality of things. Conflicts always stem from trivial issues. How we filter these issues matter.

If we train our minds to stop sweating the small stuff, we can make a lot of difference to ourselves and our lives. The feeling it generates is second to none. But I wouldn’t recommend following this for ‘bigger stuff’ – be the fire cracker of Diwali to blow up your bigger issues if required. Otherwise don’t sweat the small stuff. Hope you feel light during this festival of lights. May this Diwali illuminate your life. Wishing you a bright and sparkling Diwali.

The latest research shows similarity with your partner can affect your mental wellbeing and in turn your happiness. For ages, psychologists have debated about the benefits of similarity. It has finally been proved that the more similar you are, the more likely you are to enjoy the same pursuits, ideals and attitude. Most importantly, ‘agreeableness’ seems to rule the roost. When both partners are more agreeable about things in general, they are more likely to gel well.

Couples tend to be happier if they have more agreeable, meticulous and less anxious personalities. Following such similarities come the trait of empathy. Similar empathy breeds more trust in the partner – an ideal way to feel supported in a relationship. Openness is another trait associated with it. Couples are happier when they both give equal weightage to being free and independent minded.

Sharing the same chronotype – whether you are a morning, or an evening person may be underestimated, but similarity here leads to a satisfied sexual compatibility. Also, the political and religious views held can make or mar a relationship. Basis all these similarities, you develop a shared identity which is the benchmark of relationship success.

Similarity is important not just to make the relationship last but also to help couples solve marital distress in a balanced way. It makes a couple feel more confident and less insecure about each other and their marriage. You will be able to beautifully share your similarities and celebrate your differences.

Not all individuals are similar. A husband and wife are not siblings and may not be fortunate enough to share the high level of similarity required for the wellbeing of their marriage. But you can certainly manage to achieve a form of companionship in which you feel as if you and your partner have become one in terms of values and traits. With this oneness, differences will take a backseat. There is no similarity rule that applies to all, but since its concluded that partner similarity does matter in relationships, it is important we all strive towards achieving it – partly if not fully. After all, something is better than nothing. Similarities should direct the compass of attraction. Next time you look at a prospective partner, see how similar you are. And, if opposites attract, you know it doesn’t sound familiar or should I say similar?

Navratri is that time of the year when the tone for the festive season suddenly picks up. This longest festival puts everyone in a celebratory mood. With Diwali round the corner, people are upbeat about the season.  For the youngsters, Navratri is always special.

Youngsters are super excited since it’s the only time of the year when they have the freedom to have fun all night. As if they are given a license to make merry at unearthly hours. While this comes with its own share of problems and issues, I feel youngsters in our country are too subdued and controlled. Despite being in an age bracket where they are at the end of their teens, they are never treated as young adults.

Parents tend to question the safety and security of their children during this time. They feel, their ‘grown up kids’ may not act responsibly.  Such doubts are a product of the bringing up process. Right bringing up will evoke the right behaviour. Why can’t we instil the right morals in our children so that they can turn into accountable individuals?

When we compare the children of the west to our children there is a stark difference. I used to take pride in the fact that our children remain children even after they turn teens. They still have streaks of innocence. In the west, most of the children take a leap from childhood to adulthood on turning adolescents. There is no ‘in-between’ phase. What I failed to realize is that this ‘innocence’ comes with a cost. It takes a toll on the children and their parents. Children are too engaged in ‘the moment’ that they fail to see beyond their nose when placed in temporary independence zones. Parents on the other hand are haunted by thoughts about–  what kind of company would they be in – same or mixed? Would they be in a group or with a single individual, et.al?

Conditioning of the children and parents need to change. When the right values, principles and ethics are inculcated, the independence is seldom misused. Its not easy when its not a part of the inherent bringing up process. We must realize, we need to trust our children. Let them make mistakes but don’t let those mistakes mar the important lessons of life. Parents let your thinking grow so that your children can grow up.

A grim reality of modern marriages – lies!! It has become an integral part of relationships – compromising the integrity of sacrosanct marriages. Unfortunately, most often there is no guilt – people have become immune and the guilty conscience has ceased to bite. However, some people nurse their guilt of lying by labelling their lies as ‘white lies’. Isn’t a lie a LIE? Period.

Why do people lie? While there can be reasons galore, there are a few which are mainly responsible. Primarily, when one belongs to a family where lies are a given, when one is grown up witnessing untruthfulness around, it doesn’t take time for this dishonesty to multiply, since values are always imbibed through one’s family. It is reflected in the bringing up process. When the upbringing is not right, it will manifest in a person’s disposition eventually. Like a family heirloom, it gets passed on from one generation to another.

Seldom do people with wrong values end up being fair and straightforward. When two individuals with different values get into a relationship, it can spell trouble. One of the benchmarks of a healthy relationship is correct and matching ethics. Never turn a blind eye to such pointers in the form of different morals, principles et. al.

Another factor which comes into play is fear. When a person fears one’s partner, one is compelled to fib. Now, that again is unfair but understandable. Why do something which makes one scared of one’s partner in the first place? Secondly, sometimes the deed is not as serious as the reaction of the partner. But when one of the partners behaves unreasonably, their partner is left with no choice but to mitigate the situation through lies.

Fearing one’s partner is a terrible feeling – no matter what. It comes with a cost of hurting one’s self esteem, self-respect and freedom. Mentally taxing and certainly not worth being in that kind of a relationship. Lying is never a solution to combat anything. Discourage your partner from overreacting from day one. What you nurture continues.

Lies can break any relationship or can change the entire equation. It’s up to you. Do you want it to hang on the hinges of lies and deceit? What morals do you want your children to absorb? You may be immune to lying but your conscience will never be. “Hips don’t lie” and neither should you…

Seven-year itch is passé. What followed was a three-year itch. Needless to say, that too is obsolete. As if the six-month itch was not enough, the latest is a three-month itch. Years have turned to months and do I dare say it can turn into weeks??? Well, I certainly hope not. The rate at which things are going, one never knows how soon the institution can become redundant.

Why does a marriage have to be an eye opener for a relationship? May be because one didn’t get to know one’s partner before tying the knot. Also, the ‘love is blind’ syndrome can make one overlook a lot of aspects leading to unpleasant revelations. Could it be the familiarity, the taken for granted attitude or the demystification of too many facets in a marriage? As I mentioned last week, too much too soon even in a marriage like in a relationship can act as a spoilsport.

Every relationship goes through a cycle of stages which become impossible to skip. Each stage comes with its own share of charm. Fundamentally, the relationship should keep growing with time. Why do couples find it difficult to feel the same way about a marriage as they once did? Changes in a relationship are inevitable. And surpassing certain stages in a marriage cycle unavoidable. Analogy of a plant suits this aspect the best. The more we nurture it, the better it grows. Physical love grows into emotional love over a period of time, public display of affections converts to silent communication patterns, meant to be understood only by the partners.

Nothing can be more beautiful that growing with your partner not just chronologically but also as a person. Mentally stimulating marriages unlike physically stimulating ones for a short period are a product of long years of togetherness.

Why not make the institution of marriage itch free and convert blissful days into weeks and months of romance, to years of love and affection? Accept, agree and act that your marriage will change each day – but for the better. Just because the newness has worn off, doesn’t mean the entire marriage is down in the dumps. My young reader couples of today!!!!! Make your marriage the envy of the world. Don’t bitch about your marriage/partner and ditch the itch. Marriage mein kheech kheech…. Unfortunately, no vicks ki goli helps.

Today’s column is for my young readers who regularly mail me. This week they want me to address their predicament on why any relationship which starts on a high note loses its steam in no time? Each relationship is different and so is each couple in a relationship. Two people making a couple are different. Couple dynamics are different too – how it is formed, the time frame behind it, the mental makeup of two people involved etc can throw some light on why a relationship graph dips rather than rise.

One can also attribute this problem to needs fulfilment. How soon and effectively are the needs fulfilled play a key role. Normally, the time taken to satisfy the needs is a primary relationship predictor.

Incubation period in any relationship is necessary. Couples tend to get overwhelmed initially and naturally so. But without letting it mature, rather without nurturing it to mature, the relationship is bound to go downhill. One needs to invest in the relationship. Invest in terms of time and patience. Instant gratification is a killer. When one gives it time and patiently lets it bloom, it’s wisdom.

At the slightest cue of attraction, there is a flurry of communication. Courtesy cell phones. Not just the time spent in communicating, but the essence of communication is very important. If one is engaged in 24×7 communication monopolised only by euphoria, the relationship is guaranteed to doom. The bond needs substance. Maturity of two people with similar emotional quotient has more chances of adding substance to their relationship.

Despite knowing that nothing lasts forever, especially the initial enigma and attraction, couples get carried away and end up losing each other. One can question spontaneity here – why be mindful when one can just go with the flow and experience beautiful emotions and feelings?

Whether we like it or not, feelings and emotions seldom last long. When one is aware of its shelf life, why not get prudent and do the right thing to make the relationship right? There’s a time to communicate, how much to communicate, interact and express. Instead of getting impulsive and letting your relationship peak, to eventually slump with the wrong person, take your time to make it right with the right person. To love someone to the moon and back too soon is certainly not a boon.

I have written about ghosting in the past – the sudden disappearance of one’s partner without a warning. Such individuals stop responding to texts or phone calls from their partners as they go into the oblivion.  They just exit, leaving their partner clueless.

Close to ‘ghosting’ is ‘Sudden Fading’. Here the individuals plan their exit gradually. They work on a plan to get out of the relationship when they feel they are not happy or serious about. They slowly extricate themselves from a romantic liaison. Slow fading starts with fewer messages compared to a flurry before. They tone down the communication but generally respond when communicated with.

What is the psychology behind these ‘Slow Faders’? What leads to their evasive behaviour? Such people justify the act by thinking they don’t want to disappoint their partner and hence fade away slowly instead of abruptly calling it quits. Since they have spent some decent time with their partner, they want to nurse their guilt by not ignoring their partners completely. They maintain infrequent and distant association for some time before finally walking away. They feel they are making a soft landing so that the partner is not hurt. They are mentally preparing their partner. What they don’t realize is that they are cowards rather than empathetic souls doing more harm than good. Sometimes such ‘Slow Faders’ are interested in keeping their options open. In case they want to resume their romance, they have an avenue open. Distorted thinking at its best!

It can drive the partner faded crazy. It becomes confusing to decipher their behaviour during the ‘fading’ process, since they are always responded to, but the responses are vague yet positive. For e.g. They wouldn’t know how to decode “See you soon”. Did he/she mean literally “soon” or next week or next month or…what?  Other examples are “Sounds good”, “Great, look forward”. These can mean anything – serious or casual. The partner faded is completely at his/her wits’ end to comprehend the language of the partner fading them.

Slow fading can be painful, but ‘slow faders’ are people with an unbalanced thought process. Are you a victim?  Its better to be without them rather than to be with them. Be thankful for their exit. ‘Slow Faders’, please make a clean break instead of breaking your head to find out ways to fade. Point well made???