Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

One of the key factors for a successful relationship is communication. Everyone communicates. Even couples in distress. What’s important is how effectively they communicate. Effective communication can be difficult since so many go around in circles trying to get their partner to see things their way or defend themselves from their partner’s attack.

Communication by itself is something very simple and straightforward.  But the moment two people enter an intimate relationship, the dynamics of communication change. These dynamics are important to learn for a committed and passionate relationship.

Vulnerability is at its peak in an intimate relationship since each partner is striving to navigate their way through maximising their pleasure and minimising their pain. In the process many couples struggle because when one person speaks, the other person hears something completely different. For example, when a wife tries to express her feelings about something, the husband thinks its not worth brooding over and tells her so and the problem escalates. The husband has no idea why she’s feeling worse because he’s only trying to help by diluting her intense feelings so that she wouldn’t be affected by those feelings. Men also tend to give up on communication when their innocuous comments turn into volcano time and again. Generally, women feel their husbands have no time, sensitivity and empathy and hence feel ignored and thus lose connection. Men on the other hand feel that they find it extremely difficult to please an aggressive and controlling wife.

The problem is most couples don’t understand the core problem they are facing. Surface problems overshadow the core problem in the form of kids, money, in laws, health etc. When surface problems start monopolising, couples stop communicating in a way that makes them understand each other, which further creates problems. A couple starts dealing with superficial issues instead of getting to the root of the problem.

Communication is not about words but learning the core meaning behind the words. No matter what the pattern of your communication is, unless you are creating attraction energy in it, the communication is a failure. I don’t mean only physical attraction – emotional dependence, joint decisions, bringing up children in mutually acceptable ways, consulting each other, sharing the humour timing et. al. Basically something which makes your partner come to you, come back to you every day, every time.

Are you one of those who always questions your spouse’s liaison with other people, not necessarily with someone from the other gender? So many clients repeatedly complain about their partner “being nice” to other people. Being nice to someone is a basic form of kindness. Everyone should be kind. Then why this inadequacy or jealousy the moment one’s partner is a little “extra nice” with someone else? “Why do you have to be so nice to him/her?” One should always take pride in the fact that one’s spouse is a polite, courteous being. Would you want a partner who is curt, indifferent or rude?

The basic rule which rules all human beings is that when you are with someone for a limited period of time, you tend to be nice. Its only when you spend a lot of time with someone, which is usually at home, that you are your self – a melange of nice, very nice and sometimes not nice. Any individual who feels bad about one’s partner being good to someone else lacks self – confidence. It’s vital to understand that showering attention on someone has a shelf life. A few clients complain that their spouse is “nicer” to this other person or not “as nice” with them. According to me, one should never fret over such situations. When you feel your partner is being pleasantly different from what he/she usually is, you should be happy. Since that’s not what he or she is and anything which is not inherently real, never lasts.

Generally, all couples develop an organic relationship with each other over the years. Its very natural for anyone to give or enjoy some attention from someone who is not one’s partner. Doesn’t mean your relationship is endangered. Learn to accept “niceties” extended to other people. Dwelling over it can take a toll on your mental health and also on the wellbeing of your relationship. When you are comfortable with your partner’s pleasant temperament with others, it will bring you a lot of peace.

When you generally remain unaffected by your partner’s pleasant dispositions with others, the moment you feel someone is getting extra special attention, you will be in a better position to curb it. Perennial complaining can fall on deaf ears. But with your unruffled attitude you’d know there’s a time for are and a time for peace.

Are you one of those who always questions your spouse’s liaison with other people, not necessarily with someone from the other gender? So many clients repeatedly complain about their partner “being nice” to other people. Being nice to someone is a basic form of kindness. Everyone should be kind. Then why this inadequacy or jealousy the moment one’s partner is a little “extra nice” with someone else? “Why do you have to be so nice to him/her?” One should always take pride in the fact that one’s spouse is a polite, courteous being. Would you want a partner who is curt, indifferent or rude?

The basic rule which rules all human beings is that when you are with someone for a limited period of time, you tend to be nice. Its only when you spend a lot of time with someone, which is usually at home, that you are your self – a melange of nice, very nice and sometimes not nice. Any individual who feels bad about one’s partner being good to someone else lacks self – confidence. It’s vital to understand that showering attention on someone has a shelf life. A few clients complain that their spouse is “nicer” to this other person or not “as nice” with them. According to me, one should never fret over such situations. When you feel your partner is being pleasantly different from what he/she usually is, you should be happy. Since that’s not what he or she is and anything which is not inherently real, never lasts.

Generally, all couples develop an organic relationship with each other over the years. Its very natural for anyone to give or enjoy some attention from someone who is not one’s partner. Doesn’t mean your relationship is endangered. Learn to accept “niceties” extended to other people. Dwelling over it can take a toll on your mental health and also on the wellbeing of your relationship. When you are comfortable with your partner’s pleasant temperament with others, it will bring you a lot of peace.

When you generally remain unaffected by your partner’s pleasant dispositions with others, the moment you feel someone is getting extra special attention, you will be in a better position to curb it. Perennial complaining can fall on deaf ears. But with your unruffled attitude you’d know there’s a time for are and a time for peace.

One of the latest judgments from the High Court says a husband asking his wife to improve her cooking is not ill treatment. I agree. Wanting one’s wife to cook well is no offence. But there is a difference between expecting something and demanding something. A thin line of division.

Most marriages on getting a legal stamp of endorsement get infested with the bug of ownership. They feel they own each other as well as the institute of marriage they are in. It’s generally not the case till a couple is courting each other – the ownership rights are enjoyed but not violated.

When a husband expects a wife to cook well, to look after his home, children etc. it’s a part of the age-old tradition; husband being the provider and wife the nurturer. These roles made a lot of sense when it wasn’t common for women to have an occupation. Now, despite women working, gender biases continue to define gender roles. Working women must balance their homes and work. Lending a helping hand by the family, instead of entrusting them with dual responsibilities is unfortunately not a given. ‘Stay at home’ wives or mothers are expected to do or get the daily home chores done. Fair enough – if it is not demanded. I am seeing a couple where the wife is a homemaker but doesn’t like to do anything at home. Her husband comes home and clears the mess that their baby creates and cooks. Simply on humanitarian grounds, regardless of the gender, the working partner should have some liberty to get a breather once home.

Men continue to function being providers – courtesy our culture and tradition. Not only are they expected to work and make a living for themselves and their families in terms of food, shelter and education, they are inundated by demands for a better car, piece of jewellery, luxurious residence, dream holiday etc. When we expect husbands to help their wives, wives are supposed to return the favour. If not financially, wives can at least help in kind or get a little less demanding.

Too bad we live in a country where court verdicts dictate relationship dynamics. Why can’t a couple just understand and help each other? The right mindset, mutual trust, respect and care can certainly put your quest for the best (relationship equation) at rest.

‘Always’ is one of the most popular or rather common words in the vocabulary of married couples. Anything and everything is attributed to ‘always’. E.g. every time there is an argument, either or both partners will say “I know you always say this” or anything done against the partner’s wishes is also responded with “you always do this”. “You always come late” or “you are always on your phone” and “you always rake up the past”. This word coming up at the drop of a hat has the capacity to turn the tone of any normal conversation.

According to me when you use the term ‘always’, you know your partner too well or at least claim to do so. Hence the generalization. It shows how confident you are about your partner’s movements, behaviours, thoughts etc. A soothsayer at work – you know what’s coming or what’s in store.

Now my question is when you know that your partner ‘always’ does a certain thing, why keep talking about it? It shows you are aware of his or her set pattern of behaving or responding. Every human being functions in a certain pattern. By reiterating it does it help? On the contrary, this very word spoils the entire equation. Even if you want to change this pattern in your partner, by saying ‘always, instead of discouraging, you are only encouraging it. Courtesy – human psychology to rebel. You are giving a negative connotation to not just this word but also to the essence of your partner’s persona.

When you have spent some decent amount of time with your partner, you know everything about him or her – it’s a very predictable relationship. Predictable relationships can be boring but at the same time, it serves as an important tool to make your relationship smooth. Predictability can help you to change the stimulus to avoid getting the same response.

Instead of blaming your spouse for resorting to the ‘always’ behaviour every time, why don’t you get used to it? After all you have always seen that type of behaviour. Ranting the same thing time and again is a waste of time. you may underestimate the power of your ‘always’ but the power it has to dilute your couple dynamics is massive.

Always make sure that you avoid using ‘always’ when dealing with your partner. Generalizing never helps for your relationship is special and not general.

The happiness of any home rests on discriminatory acts of blindness and deafness, with a dash of forgiveness. Not just in homes, but such selective acts help in sustaining every relationship. Principally honesty and transparency are commendable qualities but when applied to reality, the toll it takes on families and relationships can be unbearably brutal. Any relationship needs some insulation from harsh truths and less palatable reality. Solicits the need to honey coat sometimes. Disclaimer: Don’t mean to encourage unethical behaviour.

Love has a distinct tendency to own and possess. A sure shot recipe to stifle and choke a relationship. Instead of wanting to own and possess, the correct approach is to turn to things that attract and to turn away from things that repel. In a nutshell it’s all about selective energies. What you pay attention to, magnifies and what you ignore, dies its own death. Paying heed to wrong emotions, thoughts and behaviour – within yourself or in others is like festering a wound. There is a time to step forward and share, and a time to step back and guard.

The biggest myth that an ideal marriage and relationships constitute happiness and contentment, is the culprit here. Relationships are just the means to these goals. If managed well, these goals are attainable. When couples are aware of the reality of their marriage, they are happier. With acceptance of the ground reality, comes the need for consistent hard work and adjustment to keep a relationship ticking merrily. To understand that a marriage cannot be on auto mode, is very essential. Research says kindness is a crucial forecaster of long-term happiness in relationships. Focussing on your partner’s kindness can never get you wrong. Focusing on negatives can colour your vision by seeing negativity even where there isn’t any – returning to our ‘selective’ paradigm.

It’s all about selecting the right responses – by accepting something and living with it. We ‘select’ to lead a happy and satisfied life by abandoning that which is unpalatable and beyond our means, even if it seems impossible to do without. Emphasis on that which can be fixed and made the most of, while trying to arrest the growth of that which is toxic and detrimental. A successful relationship needs a rhythm that keeps the people in it together, happy and content. Select your rhythm to elect your best relationship.

According to experts, there are two types of affairs. The one in which people want to leave their primary relationship and the one in which they don’t. Experts also believe that people in the second category are at times not satisfied with themselves than with their primary relationship. Hence end up with an affair. There are innumerable reasons why people cheat in their marriage but at the end of the day, all the affairs can broadly rest on the two inferences of either wanting to leave the spouse or not.

Women are more likely to stray in order to get out of their marriage while for most men its more about nurturing the needs unmet by their marriage. It’s as if an affair makes them feel complete. Despite their marriage giving them the physical and emotional support, may be the sexual risk-taking is what drives them towards an affair. There are many people in extra marital relationships who see their partner only once in a while but when they do, it’s a total blowout. They come back happy to their marriage.

I see many clients having an affair, but they are very clear about not wanting to get out of their marriage.  As stated earlier, it has little to do with a person’s contentment from the marriage. It’s sometimes because the person is unhappy with himself/herself or is bored with oneself. Given the stressful and technology infused times of today, its very easy to communicate. Communication has led to accessibility – so getting involved is easy.

One can never get everything from one person. So, when a person is drawn to someone outside the marriage, one tries to justify the involvement by focussing on the unmet needs, desires et al. A very common psychology to defend the liaison.

Variety and novelty are the biggest attraction boosters. But these very boosters have a shelf life. The moment the novelty wears off, so does the interest in the affair. Especially if it’s the second category of affair, heartbreak from either side is certain. Both sometimes are demystified by the relationship as it fails to stimulate them as before.

If you are not happy in your marriage, walk out of it ethically. Why tread the wrong path and wrong yourself, your legal partner and your ‘partner in crime’? Anything ‘extra’ costs extra – including an ‘extra’ marital affair.

A very common problem plaguing relationships of today is one of the partners’ friendship with a friend from a different gender. Who is at fault? The husband/wife who has a friend, the spouse insecure by the friendship or the friend? Whom would you blame?

It is very natural and normal to make friends with people from the opposite sex. And trying to stop one’s partner from befriending someone just because he/she belongs to a different gender is unreasonable. One should have the right mix of friends – from the same or different gender to many. It never hurts to have many friends. The problem arises when there is this ‘one’ friend who gets all the attention. And this friend also loves to show all the intimacy in the presence of their friend’s partner. Isn’t the partner justified in feeling jealous?

If a partner shows resentment towards every single friend made by the spouse with the opposite gender, there is an underlying problem. He/she has inherent tendencies of jealousy and inadequacy. Certainly not worth encouraging. I would advise such people to refrain from giving in every time their partner smells a rat especially when there isn’t one. But, one can always tell the difference between partners who always throw a tantrum when they see their spouse interacting/communicating with a person(s) from a different sexual category and a partner who is unhappy and justifiably so, with a ‘particular’ friendship. Its is the moral duty of every husband/wife to put his/her partner at ease about the friendship. If the spouse is taken into confidence, involved in the friendship, I don’t see the problem escalating. If the spouse is made the priority and the same is conveyed to the ‘friend’, the friendship can go a long way and no partner would ever mind such a friendship.

Some people want to eat the cake and have it too. They want this super close friendship and feel justified in hiding it from their spouse just because the spouse doesn’t approve of it. Beats all logic. Why marry and befriend someone who is not your spouse at the cost of the marriage? Have friends but don’t let them monopolise you or your marriage. Setting priorities right is the key to a successful marriage. Are you using the right key for there can never be room for three? Agree with this decree?

Majority of people struggle with relationships. In fact, everybody does. The key to a successful marriage is to create a mission, a very clear mission to make your life with your partner, the most amazing. This one life we all have.  Problems begin when couples start taking each other for granted in no time. Instead when you start to learn more and more about your partner from day one you will create a beautiful union.

At the cost of sounding too giving, I feel gone are the days when you can focus on what you are not getting. Gone are the days when you can look for fairness and respect. Gone are the days when you can show your displeasure because your spouse is not doing things your way and gone are the days to be right all the time. What does your partner really need? What does he/she want to feel? What’s their kind of security? How would they feel truly loved and cared for? What kind of a life would he/she want? Learning to hear your partner when they speak, what they mean, what their fears and worries are can help them feel supported, safe and secure. A valuable lesson to remember. If both partners cultivate this attitude, they become invaluable to each other. If you are the husband, you must make your wife feel feminine and safe in your relationship. And if you are the wife you need to nurture your man in a way which makes him feel confident of protecting you while being himself.

Making your marriage a priority and your spouse one of the most important part of your life should be the essence. But people lose who they are in their marriage – they usually don’t continue being who they were when their partner first fell in love with them. This causes real problems.

A man and wife always think and behave differently. How you deal with life and problems can be different from the way your partner deals. Embracing these differences will give you the strength to create attraction.

Successful marriages just don’t happen. What makes a good marriage lies in the couple’s ability to create it together. By navigating your problems, differences, conflicts and stresses, you remain emotionally connected through a deeper understanding of each other. Don’t try to have the last laugh or the last word, make your connection last.

Kindness is in vogue! It is the latest word or rather deed, doing the rounds these days. Suddenly there’s a buzz about how important it is to be kind and how good it is for our own good etc. Something which everyone is enlightened about, then why this necessity to propagate it? There is no contest that kindness is an extremely important and integral part of humanity, but the fact remains there is a deficiency of it in reality. With so many brutal crimes coming to the fore, one wonders why the dearth of kindness as if some commodity shortage? Kindness needs to be ingrained from childhood, in the form of values at home and in the form of morals in school. Unless it becomes an inherent part of every individual, our society will always be devoid of it.

Kindness to the society is a given and that we should all give back to the society. But like charity, kindness begins at home – are we kind to our family?  Although the affirmative answer by most will say it all, it is not enough. People do these one-off acts of kindness and think they have done their bit.  Many times, providing materialistic comforts/pleasures is considered kindness which reflects only obligation.  Being kind means being respectful, empathetic and nice, by simply giving a helping hand at home, or an ear to listen or to just be available to talk. The reality somehow is unfortunately different.  I have see couples being indifferent and rude to their partners, taking their spouses for granted on a day to day basis. These everyday behaviour patterns of couples in long term marriages mirrors unkindness. Unless children don’t see their parents practising kindness – with them and others, they would never learn.

People underestimate kindness for they do not realize the positive power it holds. How many times have we seen husbands sulking after a fight and refusing to eat or wives wearing long faces after an argument? Not sleeping in the same room to show one’s displeasure is another unkind way which takes a heavy toll on the relationship.

It doesn’t cost much to be kind. Random acts of kindness can multiply into beautiful phases of life and relationships. All relationships should be driven by the synergy of kindness. What is your kind of happiness? Being kind? That’s kind of kind. Very kind.