Author Archives: Sagarika Shah

Generally, couples seeking therapy are always sceptical if they can be helped. Over the years they have gone around in circles in their marriage and are mostly exhausted. This is a normal start to the process of couple therapy. But if they bring with them a willingness to learn and grow (not forced into therapy), their marriage can be saved even from the brink of divorce.

This means the success of therapy depends on how eager they are to learn and accept that their thinking – however logical it may seem, did not help them realize the truth of their relationship. One of the fundamental factors in a successful relationship is the ability to be on the same page with one’s partner. To achieve this a person needs to expand his/her perspective to understand the partner. The biggest fallacy most people make is to focus only on their own perspective. When the focus expands to include the partner’s perspective, it creates a different world altogether.

One of my clients felt there was no good left in his marriage. When asked if there was really no good or had he simply stopped looking for the good, he realized he had translated his wife’s behaviour from his own perspective. It had made him search for bad, unconsciously yet deliberately. It had created a bias in him about her. A very common pattern which sets in distressed couples. Its something like this – when appreciating rains in monsoon, if the same rains create a deluge, one is going to see only the inundation at that point. But at other times, one cannot take away the beauty of the rains. One still looks forward to it. The shift in focus from the good to the bad is only temporary. It soon returns to the good. That applies to relationships as well.

It’s all about developing our habitual focus to see the good. The wife of my client loved him, but he didn’t understand her.  Men and women are never meant to understand each other naturally. So, it’s always a struggle to be on the same page naturally. Here the husband had converted his thoughts/fear about his wife not loving him into presumptions. These presumptions intensified as time went by. He lived with this very thought for years. Finally, the reality dawned on him. Objective: get reflective to change your perspective.

A couple was on a verge of divorce. They were convinced they would never be able to save their marriage.  The husband had severe anger issues. The wife felt his inherent nature would never change. Despite going through several anger management programmes, he was unable to get a grip on his anger. My first question was why did he want to manage his anger when he needed to get rid of it in the first place?

Over multiple sessions he was made to understand he always used his anger to meet his needs. Hence it had become his core defence and coping mechanisms. It had become a means to protect himself from anything which went against his grain. The same needs could have been met constructively and it was not too late to do that. He needed to meet his needs that protected not just himself but also his wife and his marriage. One way of doing this was by translating his wife’s communication in a far better way. He realized that it was his anger which was responsible for his wife’s behaviour which in turn was triggering his anger. It had become a vicious circle. Slowly, she had grown indifferent and he felt he was not loved and vice versa. The wife was constantly scared of his outbursts and had shut down.

I’m often asked if a person can change their inherent nature, style, behaviour, thoughts? It is very difficult to change if you don’t know how. The key to modifying a specific behavioural pattern is to understand the main drivers that are the root cause of that behaviour. For example, a person may be depressed for years, affecting the marriage. Depression cannot be the core of the person or the problem. One needs to find out the root of the problem which disables his/her ability to feel happy.

Tapping symptoms for solutions is never the right approach. At least I am not a fan of it. Working on the root of the problem by understanding the patterns that were born in the past is a much better alternative. This way the essence of the person remains intact but at the same time, they are equipped to behave in a way that support the core needs of themselves and their partner and create a life to soar but to roar no more.

Last week I briefly wrote about people’s tendency to compare their marriage with other marriages. There can be a world of difference between what you see, rather perceive and what exists. How easy it is to paint a rosy picture of your relationship, despite a contrasting reality, courtesy social media.

If this disposition to compare is difficult to control (according to me there is nothing which is beyond our control, if it’s something within us), why not change the yardstick of comparison – compare with something worse than your circumstance/problem/condition/situation? It could be your marriage, state of mind,  financial status et al. When disturbed by your own marriage with irritating yet negligible issues, if you see a couple heading for a divorce since they cannot see eye to eye and fight at the drop of a hat, you should be happy to be not in that space. You should be pleased that your marriage is not precariously perched on a shaky platform. Comparing your marriage with a marriage where husband and wife fight tooth and nail in front of their kids, get abusive verbally and physically, should put you at ease and peace about not being in that situation. Instead of giving the outside world or the social media the leverage to become the benchmarks of success, count your blessings by seeing the less fortunate ones around you. When we see people less privileged than us, it gives us a feeling of gratefulness, for not being that unfortunate. Someone will always be better looking, more qualified, vastly experienced, moneyed, mentally and physically fitter, in a better relationship, so on and so forth. Hence comparison is a futile exercise. But when you still compare with people more distraught than you, it’s a learning experience to thank your stars. You start valuing things you take for granted. Undergoing therapy with me was a couple where the husband was a culinary art expert. The wife never appreciated his art until her best friend married a man who couldn’t even break an egg when she was sick.

Not only in relationships, there are many people who are not as well off or not as mentally healthy as you are. When you feel some tinges of self-sympathy towards yourself, look at people who are struggling with bigger challenges than you. Value your life and make it rife with an attitude of gratitude.

Just like water finds its own level so does every relationship. The problem is people try to apply a generalized approach to their marriage, compare it with others and end up feeling miserable. By a generic application I mean following the ‘relationship gems’ blindly. For example, just because it is believed one should never go to bed angry, doesn’t mean you want to make up at any cost. At times sleeping over a problem and sorting the differences within, before sorting it with your partner the next day works better. When you try to quick fix a problem, it doesn’t get resolved at the root level and lingers. Again, it is believed when one partner is angry the other partner should remain quiet. This doesn’t mean the quiet partner silently suffers every time. It is very important to speak your mind because some partners get so used to your silence that the moment you speak up, they cannot take it and end up losing it. Certain situations require voicing your thoughts. So, see for yourself what suits you and your partner. ‘Gems’ are mere guidelines. How you implement them can be person and situation specific.
Another problem which many couples face is often the result of their own doing. They tend to compare their marriage with other marriages. Now, as I said earlier, each marriage is a unique union of two unique individuals. The equation shared by one can never be equated with another. The personal space a couple shares and lives in can never be reflected to the outside world. What you see in your social circle or the social media is all masked. The realities are different. Don’t go by what your friends or relatives tell you and what you see. Don’t compare. Period.
Create your exclusive space. Human beings are complex and bring all their complexities to the marriage. It’s never easy to function with your own and your partner’s intricacies flanking you. It’s about getting used to your partner with seldom fights when required. Instead of picking on your partner, if you develop the insight to see the good and not the bad, it’s not just good for your marriage or your partner but your own mental wellbeing – a priority that should top your table. After all no marriage is a fable hence needs to be stable.

A couple I met recently were on the road to divorce. They seemed pretty convinced about their decision to separate. Predominantly the wife. She told me she was done with her marriage. When I asked her, what made her attend this meeting if she had already made up her mind, she said her husband wanted her to come. The husband seemed listless and low on energy. The moment he told me he wanted the marriage to work, the wife vehemently opposed.  When I probed to find out the reason for the marriage to reach this level, I was told by the wife that his job was the most important thing to him and she didn’t feel loved. He was just not interested in her and kept away from her – emotionally and physically. The wife was depressed for quite a few years enduring all this but now she claimed she no longer was depressed and didn’t need him.  In contrast, the husband thought she was the one who was cold and unaffectionate.

Somehow, I felt the couple dynamic was not reflected realistically.  They indeed were in a horrible place with two children involved. I realized I had to work on this couple to empower both with two key understandings. First, to help them realize how they had disintegrated their marriage to this level and once the realization dawns how to learn not repeating the mistake. They both had lost their ability to be free with their own selves. They needed help at three levels – relationship with herself, relationship with himself and their dynamic. Many couples try to fix their marriages whilst struggling with themselves and their fears at the same time. Fearful people will only protect themselves which takes an awful toll on the marriage, while confident people will protect their marriage. These people have dealt with their own problems first before dealing with their marital woes.

Helping couples to see where they are going wrong is a key skill to master to help them save and protect their marriage. These skills are not natural, so they must be taught. Every couple is different and so is the solution offered to them. But the basis of any process revolves around a safe reconnection that lays the foundation for a passionate connection. Marriage is not a play of dice that you can slice – before you give up, think twice!!

Very often I have seen women complain to me that their husbands just wont listen to them and that they are emotionally unavailable. This can leave them feeling disconnected, resentful and lonely.  Since communication is an inherent part of every woman, it is a critical part of building the relationship. It helps her feel safe to love and be loved. When she feels a lack of connect with her man, she assumes that he doesn’t care enough. She feels hurt. This leads to a vicious cycle wherein she too tones down her communication to protect herself.

Men on the other hand have their reasons to not listen to their wives the way their wives expect. During therapy I have observed that women always share their pain and problem through a proper history and describe their emotional journey in detail. Men on the other hand share their journey through facts minus the emotions. So, does it mean they are devoid of emotions or their communication process is inherently different from women? The fact is men get used to not trusting her emotions because with experience he realizes they can change. A man tends to feel his wife doesn’t always say what she means. He feels she changes her mind frequently. She can say she likes things when he knows she doesn’t.  When given what she wants, she is not necessarily happy. Also, she can become emotional over trivial issues. She can get upset for no reason. She can express her hatred to him one day and then love him the next. And above all she can be controlling through an emotional roller coaster which can make men shut down. No offence to women programmed differently.

My message to all my readers is that since men and women communicate very differently in an intimate relationship, getting through an issue amicably or calmly can become challenging – they can continue going around in circles. Women may think they are crystal clear in conveying their thoughts, but men read their feelings differently.  Men think women never follow a solution centric model. For they are generally looking for solutions to fix their problems. Once they get a solution, they move on. So, next time you feel your partner is not listening, remember this difference to understand him/her better.  Hear and be heard – word to word.

Men and women are wired differently. The first thing to understand; a fundamental fact to recognize and follow – explicitly in relationships. For example, men can never understand why women always rake up the past. Men on the other hand are very good at letting go of their past. Women are usually quicker to get over a fight (till they bring it up again in the future), while men take time to come to terms with what happened. Men withdraw more than women. The cooling period is a part of their process to deal with things.  Again, men and women are not on the same page when they hear what the other is saying. Individual words are taken at face value without considering the deeper meanings behind them. Expectations regarding what a marriage should be like are also different. While they both seek happiness, the journey to it is totally different.

I want my readers to accept that your partner is not like you at all. It is extremely important to understand these differences if you want an intimate relationship for life. Most couples don’t realize and thus kill the passion in their relationship, keeping only a certain level of connect alive. A relationship without passion is like a human without a heart and feelings. Feeding a relationship, the right food can keep it healthy and alive, while the wrong food can act like toxins and become relationship killers. These include being your partner’s judge, making your partner wrong, making assumptions about your partner and who they are, being highly critical of them, holding your partner responsible for what you feel, withdrawing from your partner and trying to mind-read what your partner thinks.

These actions can have a very negative impact on the marriage, if practiced for too long. So, if you want to regain the lost passion in your relationship, you must free your partner to be themselves and help them connect to the energy within them to help them see you as attractive again. You cannot control love and passion in a relationship for it only grows and thrives when it’s free. How do you let your partner be themselves? By accepting the way, they are – all the good and the bad. Trying to change your partner will only cause resistance. The gist – the urge to control, you must resist, I insist.

To love and be loved are basic human needs. Unfortunately, not all relationships take care of these needs. People across the globe have been deprived of the love they deserve – thanks to the wrong relationships, particularly a wrong marriage. Since love is not just an emotion but a brain process, the feeling it creates is second to none. Can’t underestimate its importance for the wellbeing of a person. Technology driven times have made the situation worse.

A recent service started by an agency in the city lends pets on rent for a few hours. People can cuddle and care for these pets and thus gratify their need to love. A venture commercially and emotionally viable for people who subscribe to it, is certainly not fair on the pets. Animals are one of the most loving creatures. Unlike human beings, their love is unconditional. But according to me the very idea of loving them temporarily by different and multiple individuals would be harassment. Unlike human beings they do not have the ability to comprehend such variances of different people hiring them briefly. To be treated differently by different individuals would be unnerving. I am not here to advocate an anti-cruelty cause. I just feel, there can be other ways to satiate one’s needs leaving our dear animal friends alone.

Instead of animals, why can’t we express our love to people who need it more? Not to say, animals don’t need love. Orphanages and old age homes would be the right places to visit. If we compare it to the latest pet service available, why not spend a few hours with these orphans or old people? They are so devoid of love, affection and care? It has been proved scientifically that any altruistic deed reflects in feeling happy and worthwhile. Instead of focussing on ourselves, if we focus on others who have almost no means to gratify their needs, we would help them feel so good about themselves and their situation.

Life is never perfect. Nobody gets everything one wants or longs for. Love included. Instead of wallowing in self pity about being in a loveless marriage, divert your energy to people/children who need it. You can make a difference to someone and that difference will make a difference to you. Become a ketchup for you might be told you are different!!

A recent ruling from the Mumbai high court makes emotional abuse as offensive as physical abuse. A welcome verdict indeed! While physical abuse is common, emotional abuse is a part of almost every other household. So many individuals suffer in silence. And while women are subjected to it more, men too have their share of emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse can take numerous forms. The other day, I was introduced to a middle-aged couple at a friend’s house warming gathering. They seemed as congenial with each other as with others around. During the course of the evening, their group of friends got planning a holiday together. They for some reason seemed to disagree with each other on the plan. When the wife tried to verbalize her reason, the husband gave her a stern dirty look – one which made the wife quiet immediately. The look on her face as a result of his, made her low. I could make out her silence was not out of an intent to avoid an argument publicly but was an outcome of her husband’s disdain. She was controlled by him. This is emotional abuse. When the freedom of expression is restricted, it amounts to emotional mistreatment.

I also know a couple where the husband is controlled by the wife. She makes it very apparent by calling the shots about everything. She would decide if they could stay back at a party, if he could drink, if he could interact in mixed company and much more. She would throw a tantrum if he picked up a separate plate to eat. She had made a rule that they would always eat from the same plate. Any deviance from this practice would get her out of control. She would react by getting almost hysterical. Emotional abuse again.

Emotional abuse can be verbal or non-verbal. Shouting, wailing uncontrollably, being sarcastic,  putting one’s partner down, ridiculing him/her can be akin to withdrawing and giving a cold treatment. Wearing a long face and sulking by not communicating can be equally stressful. Such behaviour causes a lot of mental trauma. The psychology of people subjecting their partners to such mental stress think they are punishing them. On the contrary, they become unpleasant and unwanted in the process. A marriage is never about control. Emotionally healthy people would never wield control. Alter your mind and delete control from your relationship.

On a recent flight, I had a couple seated next to me. Both looked in their mid-forties. While I had no intentions to invade their privacy, it seemed their mannerisms certainly wanted to invade mine. Their public display of affection looked a little out of sync. Increased movements and expressions during the flight made me realize they were not married. Their conversation thanks to being within my earshot, centred around spouse bashing and children stories – making it obvious they were in an extra marital relationship. To each his/her own, of course!!! But made me ruminate on a few things.

Why do people get into an extra marital affair? May be because their marriage lacks the love, lust, excitement and the exhilaration an affair offers. I have always maintained that any relationship never remains the same. No matter what, it goes through a cycle of ups and downs. So, instead of looking outside for love, why not look within your marriage? After all we are responsible for turning our marriage either boring, annoying, bitter or wonderful. The best analogy I can think of is a plant or our body. If we nurture them with love, care and the right nutrients, it pays us back by resulting in a beautiful plant or a healthy body.

The biggest mistake a couple can make is to take each other for granted. In the process they crib, nag, get suspicious, irritable, intolerant, complacent or insecure, jealous and what not. If these qualities are fed to a marriage, how can it become a paradise of love? instead, why can’t it be nurtured with love, understanding, affection, support, honesty et al? The key to a great marriage is openness. Honesty is a wonderful characteristic of any relationship. But very often fear holds the key to dishonesty. When one is brutally honest with one’s partner, that partner is expected to appreciate the truthfulness. But instead they end up reproaching the partner for the candour.  Honesty is thus diluted and deleted from a marriage.

Frankness and openness are the backbone of any relationship. If you want your marriage to give you a high, the much-wanted stimulation through love, please give it space and closeness in proportion to keep the doors of attraction open even after years. Why seek something complex, immoral and illicit outside? Momentary longing and attraction never create a lasting relationship.